How do I stop being frustrated that someone says they can't reply to my "longer" thread with them (our only thread) because it's hard for them to write "long" replies atm but they write long replies with their other closer partners? Even combined other those replies add up to a lot of writing, way more than my thread with them.
Hey, Anon!
I am so sorry that this answer is likely to be awful, but it's at least honest and I really mean that I'm sorry about both the situation and that there isn't a whole lot to be done for it. Sometimes, just hearing someone else understand what you're going through and echo your own thoughts is helpful, though. It can really help solidify options we know exist, but maybe, we just weren't ready to acknowledge them.
This is one of those situations where you're the only person involved you can change in any way, so it's good that you're wanting to mitigate your frustration instead of changing the other mun. Good on you for that!
It's certainly frustrating! I try to take on at least one or two blogs at a time who have come to me expressing a desire to write more, they want to become lengthy multipara to novella RPers, and this is quite often the situation I end up in. The mun can manage to churn out lengthier replies to a handful of other muns, but not me. Ultimately, it tends to be a combination of them not being super invested in our plots/the action in the thread right off and my writing style. I can be a difficult person to reply to unless the other mun is also deeply, and I mean, like, Marianas Trench deeply, thrilled by writing in and of itself...and I also do not quick-ship or quick-smut as well as writing muses who can preclude those common interests anyway.
I say that because there might be some similarity going on here, and understanding the why of it can make things a bit less frustrating and personal feeling.
You might also write in a style that is harder for this person to jump right into and roll with - especially if these other blogs getting the lengthier replies are a little below the other mun's writing skill level. People often feel like they're up to and excited by a challenge until they really get into the thick of it, then, it's stressful and they can feel like they'll be judged if they do not write as well as they perceive their writing partner is.
You might have muses and preferences that are not aligning with what they most want and are, as such, most inspired by to write more. Again, that can seem interesting as a challenge, something like a slowburn or platonic interaction, or even a muse that is more difficult to interact with, but once someone who isn't usually into those situations gets into one...it just feels like delay and boredom to them.
I'm not saying that your threads, writing, muses, or you, yourself, are frustrating or boring! Simply that this has been an issue in the past with these situations not just for me but also for other muns I've known, so, it might hold some significance here.
There isn't any good way to do this, I'll be honest, but if you're so frustrated that you're willing to risk losing them as a mutual to feel better about this situation, I'd suggest talking to them about it. Handling it with a lot of care, of course. By that, I mean keeping this all phrased as a you problem not a them problem, regardless of how accurate or upsetting that might be. Don't directly state that it's a little hurtful and frustrating that they can magically expend the effort to write more with everyone other than you!
If you go this route, try something like:
"I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I wanted to talk to you about something. Is there something I'm doing that is making it harder for you to reply more to me? I notice that your other interactions are longer and seem to be easier for you to do. I know you said that you have difficulty writing longer replies, but if there's something I'm doing that is making it harder, I'd rather know so we can have a better time."
Like I said, still likely to be received poorly. No matter how you phrase it, it's probably going to come off as accusatory or like you're being jealous. I'm only advising it as something for you to consider because, either way, it could lessen the frustration you feel to more actively discuss it with them.
I am pretty sure you don't want to go the route of calling it quits, either. However, I'd definitely be dishonest if I did not advise that as a possibility.
If their actions are making you so frustrated that it's distracting you from better partnerships, making you outright angry a good deal of the time, or otherwise ruining your time here more than it isn't...they really shouldn't be someone you keep writing with. Your frustration is totally valid, you are expending more effort than they are, and watching someone put that effort into everyone else's threads but yours is not a good time. And it isn't something you can expect to change, rather, this situation usually resolves by one mun or the other simply ceasing to reply to the thread quietly.
That isn't ideal for anyone, even though I very much understand the inclination, and you know what? On some rare occasions, that can be the nicest and most peaceable thing one can do. You really do have to know the other mun to decide that. If they're someone who is going to be very hurt, suffers from RSD, or has ever expressed, be that privately, on the dash, or in their rules, that they want people to tell them when a thread is dropped, please, tell them you're dropping. If they're someone who is going to be incredibly hostile about it, who has a ton of threads they struggle to keep up with, might not even notice or be relieved, it might be better. I still will advise 99% of the time to tell someone when you're dropping a thread.
If you don't want to unfollow because you enjoy this mun OOC, they are, or have become, a friend or just someone you enjoy on your dash, a lot of muns are perfectly fine remaining friends and mutuals without continuing to write together. So long as you're not being caustic about how you end writing together, of course! Just telling them that you don't think you mesh as well in writing as you do OOC is a good way to inoffensively end a thread - and it isn't untrue! Again, takes some awareness of the mun as a person, but if they won't take it the wrong way (projecting the meaning of "you're boring, you suck at this, I don't like you" onto what you've said), you can even tell them that you have lost interest in the thread.
Anyway, as I said, I'm very sure that's not an option you are looking for at this time either, but...it is an option. You will be less frustrated if you remove the source of that frustration.
An option you might like a little bit better is trying to allow yourself to...sort of reposition the importance of these threads.
Think of it like this - if you have ten threads and you're not dealing with frustrating partners in eight of them, you can make the two that are a problem low-priority interactions.
I know it's even more frustrating if you're doing something in the threads with this mun that you were very excited about. For some reason, for the longest damn time, every time I had someone who was up for a plot, muse, or verse I had been dying to do, they were not exactly great writing partners. It's so disappointing when you're excited, getting to do something you've wanted to finally, but you're forced to accept that you're kind of still not getting that thread. It's the truth, however. You aren't actually getting what you wanted here, even if all the pieces are in position on your end because they are not, and will not be, on the crucial other end of things.
If that's the case, seek out people who might be interested in something similar from within the group of mutuals you are happy interacting with. It's actually pretty rare that, once you have more than just two to three active mutuals anyway, you don't already write with someone who wants to write even more with you. Maybe they don't know you have a burning need for that plot or to use that verse, maybe they just aren't sure about asking you about it, there are a lot of reasons why! Usually, we're all simply busy with what we're doing and don't notice until someone directly asks/mentions it. So, when you've identified which mutual is most likely to be interested, don't just post on the dash that you want x and hope they pick up on it - directly talk to them about it.
You can also include elements of what you were excited about in already existing threads. Use those things as inspiration for those plots, the developing characterization going on in them, and so. Try to remember that everything doesn't have to happen all at once, nor should it, actually. It's alright to only sort of know how you'd like to include that bit of inspiration in an already rolling thread! Once you're aware of wanting to, that you are totally allowed to do this, and somewhat how, you're prepared to see the moment when it happens and jump on it.
Even if this isn't the case, placing higher importance on the threads written with muns who are returning your energy is a great way to feel less frustrated by the one you feel is devaluing you. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong about having threads, muses, plots, and muns of different personal priority levels. So long as you're not being shitty to anyone involved or trying to hide it, it's fine. Creativity is not something linear and equal at all times, just as this other mun is obviously more invested in other people, you can be as well. Just be more honest and self-aware than this mun is being with you.
If you think you can't do that because it's your Process to reply in order and/or to queue replies when they're all done, neither is a hindrance. No one is actually watching the order you do your replies in. You can do the ones you feel most inspired by first, don't queue them yet, then, do the replies you know you're not going to get much other than frustration out of last. This way, you won't be wasting the creative effort on those threads either, you'll be concentrating it on the mutuals who appreciate it more. It's absolutely possible to do things with the organization you might require while still making it a better experience for yourself.
Furthermore, sometimes muns do get annoyed when their shorter replies are not the ones replied to quickly. Particularly when they outright state that short replies are their preference, this is usually a part of their process and they feel like it's easier and faster for everyone else because it is for them. If it is harder, and as such, slower, for you to deal with these shorter replies? Be sure you pop that in your rules as a warning, and make it clear when speaking to mutuals that this is the case for you and they shouldn't expect extremely quick turnaround because something is short.
While it's valid and human to not understand why something that is totally fun, easy, and rewarding for us is the opposite for others, upon it being made clear, that's a boundary you're saying needs to be respected.
Expecting replies to be fast because they're short is also something that can induce stress and be incredibly unfair.
When someone expects that their reply should be responded to expediently because it is shorter, that can be stressful to the other mun, it can feel very pressuring. To the mutuals interacting who are writing longer replies, it's unfair when it takes a week for their replies they have put a lot of effort into but someone who won't match length at all is getting numerous replies from you.
And if you like to post replies as soon as you get them done, but doing this is upsetting to the frustrating mun when it isn't theirs? Honestly, Anon, I know it sounds mean, but that's a point to have an unpleasant conversation with them about what they're doing. If they don't like it, the difference is right there for you to point out to them - these threads don't leave me feeling like I'm wasting my energy.
A lot of the time, when we are upset about perceived unfairness, the difference between what we're doing and the other muns are doing is right there for us to see. It probably is unfair to some degree, but if we want to get to the bottom of it, it's a good place to start - asking what these other muns are doing that we're not. Then, the all-important question of whether it's something we want to change, or even can, and acting according to what is going to be most rewarding and possible in the situation.
Like with delineating above what might be some reasons why this mun is responding to others differently than you, actually! Perhaps, those are things you'd like to do differently, but then again, perhaps, that would mean lessening your writing quality and enjoyment. The frustrating replier can see that the muns you reply to give back more of what they've been given, and if they feel like it's both worth it and possible, they'll do the same...or not. Either way, the awareness and tools are right there.
We all don't work out, or work out smoothly and immediately, and nothing about that is inherently mean.
Speaking of not working out, in addition to mentioning in your rules that you don't reply faster to shorter threads, it might lessen some of your frustration to work on a bit of a side project to prevent some of it from happening again in the future by going over your rules. I know much of the RPC is allergic to lengthy rules and any whiff of expectations, but clearly stating what you want and how you operate is the only way to insulate yourself and others from disappointment and frustration.
You might want to consider including some of the following:
you only write multipara - give a rough estimate of what that means to you, as mutlipara can be anything from two to twenty paragraphs, technically! Letting people know what you, specifically, tend to view as multipara, while making it clear it's not a fixed number or anything, can even help alleviate the new mutual anxiety of too much guesswork
or you only write novella - same thing, what does that look like for you? Is it 2-5k words on average, or is it 10k+? Give a rough idea to remove the guesswork, but be clear that you aren't always going to write exactly that amount or expect it
if you do have a minimum you'd like to receive, tell people - it's not demanding, it's honest. If receiving one line back after writing two paragraphs is going to upset you, say you need at least a para in return, for example
if you have a hard time writing short replies, tell people that - again, you should be a little more specific about what "short" means to you. If you find it impossible to write anything under four para, say so
should you prioritize threads based on inspiration, or even well-known partnerships, be open about that as well - it's absolutely going to make some folks pissy, but if they can't appreciate your honesty and are already annoyed before they interact with you, do you actually want to interact with them?
say that you need to know upfront if there is a consistent problem replying to you - you won't be upset or anything, but you can't address a problem you don't know exists, so, if someone is struggling with replying to you, they should feel like it's safe to talk to you about it
Obviously, these are suggestions and need to be things that are true to you! The whole point is taking the frustration you feel and doing something proactive and good with it. It isn't changing this particular situation, but making certain that you are providing new mutuals with clear information as to your boundaries, expectations, and what you'll be giving them could help prevent some similar problems. While, unfortunately, not everyone reads or respects rules, having rules that outline such things let muns know what they're getting into, allows them to make better choices of who to interact with, and is respectful to both them and yourself.
In the future, if you have another mutual like this and have made such things apparent in your rules, you can address it with a bit less awkwardness and even anxiety. It's a different feeling coming to someone with a problem when you already have a base of discussion! That doesn't mean it's a way to be forceful or shitty or anything, just that you can casually remind them at a point in this conversation that "like I said in my rules, it's not fun for me to reply to shorter things." Kind of helps to remind that, hey, you did come into this knowing that was a problem for me, you're the one being kind of lame in this situation, without literally saying that.
Any time you start to feel really frustrated and you want to settle down, consider working on something you can use that energy on. Not talking about going outside and hacking up a tree or anything ridiculous, totally talking about projects that could use a touch of frustration that you might already have sitting in your drafts or have otherwise been meaning to get to.
Take the frustration and work on a thread or meme reply in which your muse is frustrated. Take it and go work on the graphics overhaul you've been meaning to do, as annoyance can be a great way of giving us extreme focus on a task. It doesn't have to be your rules is my point! A lot of things could channel the upset into something enjoyable and productive.
And, I mean, I guess, if you really want to murder a tree...so long as it is your tree and you're prepared to accept the physical consequences of this intense amount of exertion, you could do that.
I'd still suggest replying to the muns who are more appreciative of what you're doing, though. While keeping in mind that, eventually, it really might be in your best interest to not keep writing with this person. They're not doing this maliciously or anything, but the outcome is still that you're not enjoying yourself.
Even in a hobby, you're not going to effortlessly enjoy yourself constantly, but if something is markedly frustrating you on a consistent basis, it doesn't have a long-term place in your downtime. Things do not have to be intentionally shitty for them to be negatively impacting you enough that they've got to go. You might want to work on letting this mutual go by having some more enjoyable, prioritized interactions with others. Not only will it keep you less frustrated to concentrate on positive, more fulfilling experiences, but it'll also make those threads much easier to let go of, even if there are things in them you'd have loved to have written. You'll get the opportunity to with the right people!
Again, I'm sorry if this wasn't incredibly helpful. It's not a great situation, and it isn't one that has a single possible solution, but rather, several that totally depend on how you feel about things and at what point in your frustration you're at.
For me, this would be a we've got to talk, this isn't working out point, but I don't think you sound like you're there...and that's fine! So long as your frustration isn't hurting anyone else, it's perfectly alright to need to get to your own, unique point of being done with a situation. Only you know where that's at, and I don't feel like it's a kind or viable answer to tell people they've got to drastically and immediately make choices like blocking someone over something like that. In addition to being a juvenile way of handling an interaction that isn't glowingly positive, it reeks of serious removal of agency to me. Like, no one other than the mun doing the advising is capable of adult cognition lol that's not cool! We don't do that on this blog. Same thing with not giving you some insulting, and potentially even ableist, "advice" that you should remember it's "just stupid tumblr rp" and not to be frustrated at all.
You're interacting with other human beings in this hobby as is required, other human beings do things that are frustrating, the venue is irrelevant, right? It's also every bit as Not That Deep that it's great to be invested in your hobby, period. (Unless your hobby is something like creating a fascist dictatorship lmao, then, maybe please kind of really get a different one.) So, if, in voicing your frustration with mutuals and friends, anyone has made it feel like you're being ridiculous? You're not, it's 100% valid to be annoyed when someone is telling you one thing and doing another right in front of you. I'd also be frustrated, Anon, and have been with this kind of thing!
I hope whatever you end up trying works out well for you, Anon! If nothing else, maybe you'll find a new mutual or existing one you can write even better things with. Just try to be patient, with this other mun and yourself. Resist the urge to snap at them or be hateful about it, and I'm sure the impulse has come up because these situations feel a lot like being simultaneously othered and lied to. It's just not worth it, it won't change anything, and you'll be the one who looks like a dick. You deserve better than that!