You don't understand; I am that Raven, though. 🥲
I genuinely do not even know how to take this. You have to understand that after everything that has happened, I'm not unreasonably suspicious, while I'm also neither willing nor able to find any explanation as to why someone would fake this or figure out whether you're forgetful, oblivious, or rather ballsy for this if it's legitimate. So, let's go with legitimate.
Listen, it's been a good day, it's Christmas Eve, even if that's not my personal belief system...I'm willing to treat this seriously and proceed in a kind manner, alright? Please, do not make me regret it, as this is an effort, your "one mistake" has caused me harassment, it caused friends harassment, I have watched and dealt with the fallout of this for months, and, frankly, you weren't exactly nice the first time I tried to help you. I'd appreciate it quite a lot if you could extend the same courtesy this time, this is, obviously, still a detriment to you. Maybe we can figure something out to start repairing the damage to everyone, yourself included.
Firstly, there are going to be people who are never going to forgive you, I cannot sufficiently explain the severity of negativity, to say the least, that your actions have caused. I know that may be difficult, but forgiveness is never a guarantee with anything we do wrong and are sorry for, and should never be the ultimate objective when making an effort to do better. We just have to realize that people have a right to be angry with us and never want anything to do with us again, and to let that reality be what it is. It's alright, so long as you're doing better, and while I, obviously, cannot promise you that the harassment will stop from the most determined parties, it will help ease a lot of it off otherwise and start putting meaningful distance between who you were when you did this and who you are becoming in learning from it. After a while, it becomes a cruel, moot point to keep actively trying to ruin someone when they've changed. This is one of my major problems with things like callouts, they give no one an opportunity to move on, on top of being wildly unnecessary among adults and in a community in which no one's real world impact is ever going to be significant enough to make such a thing pertinent.
Secondly, you actually do have to commit to making changes, to being better, and you need to demonstrate that in your actions, not only in saying you are sorry.
The way in which you are apologizing matters, it is part of the proof of your seriousness to doing better by others (and ultimately, by yourself as well). I told you once that because your actions affected so, so many people and because you had all of them blocked (if you will remember, that is why I, specifically, decided to engage with you as a more neutral party), apologizing only on a post on your blog wasn't cutting it. No one is seeing it, it hasn't the same reach as the wrong doings. It's also not very impactful when paired with both actions that continue the issue and statements that heavily imply your regret is based in suffering consequences, not in being truly sorry for what happened.
You've got to stop saying things that minimize all of this. Owning this, all of this, goes a long way. That's difficult, it doesn't feel very good, and it's ugly, but if you truly are sorry and wish to demonstrate that and move forward, it's necessary. Make a post and admit to everything that was done, own that these things were poor choices, and if you're going to explain why you made them, avoid turning the explanation into an excuse or statements that otherwise feel like backhanded apologies. You know the kind, we've all gotten them from someone! I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but you made me angry. That sort of thing isn't an explanation, it's a backhanded apology. It is an excuse.
Here, I will demonstrate by genuinely apologizing to you and explaining something to you. When discussing your actions, I initially misgendered you. I made this mistake because, as I mentioned in the last response, I have known many other Ravens and every one of them went by female pronouns. My mind filled in blanks because I was tired, tired of this already, and was unusually careless in not double-checking a blog for preferred pronouns. It was an honestly innocent mistake that didn't warrant the harassment I received, but it was still a mistake made in carelessness, and one I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of, no less. I should have been more careful, and now that I can speak to you directly, I want you to know I'm sorry for being careless like that and hope it didn't give you terrible feelings of dysphoria or anything. Not being done on purpose or without malicious intentions doesn't mean something is free of harm, after all. So, I'm sorry for that mistake, and I hope that knowing why/how it happened makes some difference. Since then, I have even politely corrected others who did not have the benefit of your information, no matter how nasty things have gotten, I haven't allowed anyone to misgender you intentionally or by accident.
See? There is a big difference in what I've said instead of either opting to ignore that it happened or simply saying that it was one mistake I apologized for that wasn't enough to stop harassment. If an apology is sincere, it needs to be said with sincerity and viewed by those it is directed toward.
You have a lot of blogs, and because the people you hurt either left or go out of their way to avoid you, the issue of directly approaching them is difficult...but not impossible. I have every blog anyone has ever told me you might be involved with blocked, but you contacted me. I'm not for subverting blocks for any reason, people have a right to avoid others, please don't do that to someone else. However, perhaps you could get a friend to send short, individually meaningful apologies to those who are still here, with the additional statement that they can find you at x blog. On that blog, make your pinned post a lengthier apology, be sure no one is blocked, have those you know with platforms of some reach reblog it so that it has a higher chance to be seen. You can literally create a blog specifically for this purpose.
I'm really serious, take some time to take stock of everyone you can think of who was in a callout, whose blogs went on hiatus, who was forced to quit tumblr, whose rules you drug around tumblr, and who your friends and followers harassed. Literally, anyone and everyone negatively affected by this. Then, be specific. "Blogname, I caused you to be harassed when I accused you of x, you have a right to write whatever content you enjoy, and you were doing everything right so that others could avoid or opt out of it. That was wrong and hateful of me, I realize now how terrible this was for you." "Blogname, I know now that by choosing to 'call out' something you said on your blog, I started up harassment for you and compromised your ability to interact in the RPC and feel safe. There was no excuse for what I did, no matter how in the right I felt at the time. You deserve to enjoy yourself and feel safe here."
And so on. All of these people expressed what they were going through, for many of them, all you have to do is go back to the months in which this was at its most severe and look at their posts, but if you can't find them, you can always take the initiative to try speaking with them or their friends about what they suffered. Unless they specifically state somewhere that they are outright triggered by the mere mention of you, then, leave them alone and apologize for doing something so terrible as to be an actual trigger for someone else. You can make reasonable assumptions as to the damage you caused, you know the things they were being told and accused of, and you can see many of them on this blog.
Yes, apologize in general, there's no way you're going to find everyone, and there was damage done to the RPC as a whole. Be honest and specific about that as well, like your actions involving COAR. Don't sugarcoat it, don't hide things, your admittance and honesty is very important. Apologize overall, but don't leave it there, you didn't leave it there when you were doing these things, the apology needs to be just as direct and determined.
Be honest about your expectations. You know exactly what it felt like to be on the receiving end of what you did now, it's okay to say that, but don't make this the basis of your apology. You're sorry because you're sorry, not because you've received similar shit in return, or you're not sorry at all. Express that being harassed has made it clearer to you how terrible this was, if that is true. When you passionately vilify people as you did, it can be difficult to see them as human beings who are experiencing terrible things until you get slapped by it in return. That doesn't make it right, not at all, but again, honesty. We all need to recognize we're people, being honest about experiences, fault, and flaws is humanizing...this might help people give you the benefit of empathy they were not given by you. But you need to tell them, too, that you're not expecting forgiveness or anything else, you just want the opportunity to apologize as part of doing better and growing as a person. That's all.
If you're already being harassed everywhere, you might as well offer a list of your blogs to demonstrate how serious you are. This is everywhere I am, so that those of you I have hurt can block me and feel safer. I wish I was exaggerating, but there are at least two muns out there I've ran into entirely on accident while looking for memes and such that are terrified of where you are. These people literally live in fear of not knowing where you are so they can avoid you, you didn't just cause them problems online, turning their safe space inside out sent them into mental health spirals. More people than have directly said it on their blogs were thus impacted, people had to be hospitalized, they lost progress with their mental illness battles. They deserve to feel safer again, and only you can do that for them. If you're sorry enough, if you're actually accepting guilt and interested in making amends.
Being better is often hard as hell, I'm not talking out of my ass here, I know it is. Some years ago, out in reality, I was kind of a fucking bastard, bluntly. It doesn't matter that much of it was due to untreated mental illness, social deficits, and defense mechanisms from trauma. I was still a shitty person sometimes, and it was not easy or painless for me to confront people I hurt, but it was the right thing to do because I was sorry for my actions. Some of them even forgave me, a few of them became very good friends, I only expected, since this was face-to-face, not to be slapped, though.
I know that when all of this happened, you were expressing some mental health concerns and that you are autistic. As I said at that time to you, me too, and several of the people you hurt as well. It's okay to explain yourself, these are relevant factors! Just, again, don't make excuses, remember the difference. I hope that you are in a better place now than you were then, it is so much easier to make horrific choices when our brains are against us. I meant what I said both above and to you previously, taking responsibility and genuinely trying to make amends is a benefit to you as well. It helps with the lifelong learning experience you've been saddled with being ND. You can better recognize in the future that this is a bad choice, it's easier to distance yourself from high emotions and think logically about how it really isn't your place to judge people like that, take action against them, or go without questioning that you might be misconstruing something you'll regret later. It's relieving, even if hard, to accept guilt and work on making things better! I know you keep saying things like it was just one mistake and so on, but you've got to feel even a tiny bit guilty, to keep wrapping this around somehow not being at fault, right? This helps. A lot.
Lastly, as a part of demonstratively being better, you seriously cannot do anything like this again. You're not sorry, let alone ever going to be trustworthy and welcome again, if you keep doing this. I don't know that it's true that you put another callout for me, I didn't see it, I look at blogs I'm sent to block just long enough to verify that they're a problem, then I block them. So, maybe that was bullshit, but because of the past behavior, I have to believe it's possible. Just like I have to believe it's possible you are still harassing, or encouraging/allowing people out there to be harassed. You have got to stop that shit right along with excusing and downplaying your actions in the past.
Absolutely nothing that happens in tumblr RP is endangering the world. Neither is anyone here capable of making anyone else RP differently, and their requirements and preferences are just that, requirements and preferences. A majority of them come from being ND and/or physically ill. You've got to stop judging people for what they need to do for themselves, it isn't hurting you or anyone else. It's not your business. If you don't like it, you don't have to interact with it. If someone is writing something or enjoying media that you find repugnant, that's fine! Just leave them alone about it. Again, no one is making anyone else interact, and what they're doing isn't real. It doesn't have any bearing on reality whatsoever. You're not calling out a super popular celebrity on being an open transphobe or something, okay? You're just harassing a random ass person online writing something you find upsetting. Your reasons for finding something upsetting are valid, their reasons for enjoying it are valid. You can both exist by ignoring each other. There are a lot of things I am deeply uncomfortable with and a few I am triggered by, it's still someone else's right to feel differently than I do. I'm not them, and you aren't either. You're not protecting anyone or acting righteously, you're doing the opposite when you act like that.
No more callouts, no more reblogging other people's callouts. Make a commitment to staying away from places, people, and topics that upset you instead. No more toleration of friends and followers harassing people, you need to put your foot down here. If you know someone is doing it, you've got to cut them loose from now on. Make it clear you will not be tolerant of this, that was the old you, this is the new you. Nope, you don't control anyone but yourself, you'll not be able to stop everyone, but you can make a serious effort by posting warnings that this is not acceptable and you will be dropping threads and blocking from now on, you need it to stop. Then, follow through on this.
No more URL dropping in your DNIs or labeling people. You can just say that you're uncomfortable interacting with those writing incest, underage, dubcon, etc. It is wholly unnecessary and purely inflammatory to use adjectives like "nasty" or "freak shit" or to imply/state that someone is a child molester, rape apologist, and so on for engaging with these topics. It's enough to say you won't interact, anything else is intentionally being hostile, and you've seen what that hostility does now, correct? Insulate yourself without vilifying others.
Make an effort to exclude these things from your other conversations as well. If you are only doing this publicly, you're not really changing, are you? No. This isn't the way we legitimately grow. Since you've almost certainly surrounded yourself with people who felt and behaved the same way, you'll be around conversations like this. Don't feed it, it's enough to say that, yeah, I find that upsetting, but hey, guys, we don't need to bring their character as a human being into what we dislike, that makes me uncomfortable. You know that annoying "be the change you want to see" shit? Yeah, well, it's kind of right, no matter how annoying! So, be the change instead of the problem. You have the power to positively be an influence.
Be willing to speak to those you've hurt, and be open about it when it comes up. Eventually, if you truly demonstrate change and being a positive member of the community, or just one that stays in their lane peacefully from now on, that will stop. It won't remain relevant, you're no longer keeping it relevant. As I said, some folks are never going to like you or want to be nice to you again, some are going to remember this with insult years from now, but if you're growing, their behavior becomes the unreasonable behavior after a time. You obviously have friends and mutuals, you don't need everyone here to forgive and love you, it's okay. I promise, plenty of people don't like me lol it isn't ruining my life any, and a lot of that is because I do have great friends and mutuals. Rely on them to be your support system through this difficult time. After what happened, if you want to make a meaningful change and be treated better again, allowing people their anger and giving them your honesty is critical.
I'm not saying you need to become the community's whipping boy or tolerate harassment...certainly not that the harassment is acceptable. Not once have I said that harassing you was a solution or something I supported. You don't have to respond kindly to people treating you like shit, but you should be aware of the really valid emotions you caused. Either don't respond at all, or have the patience to simply say that you're sorry for the damage done, please see the pinned post or speak civilly so we can work on this, otherwise, fueling this with more hostility toward me isn't helping and I will block you next time. I understand if you don't always have that patience and calm, I don't either. Those are the times you let it sit until you do, or you call it enough and block without responding - such as the case with death threats. Understanding where people are coming from and accepting some penance isn't the same thing as allowing people to seriously harm your mental health by incessantly suicide baiting and such. It's a fine line to walk, you may need to experiment some, just don't lose it on anyone.
When someone comes to you in the future and says that something you are currently doing is harming them or is harmful for whatever reason? Don't lose it on them either. Don't treat them like you did everyone, myself included, who tried to reasonably converse with you this year. Consider what they've said, accept what they've said, and stop doing whatever it is. Apologize and take down an inflammatory post, don't use whatever word or phrase anymore, make a statement about how post x you reblogged was in bad faith without your realizing it. Be responsible and willing to listen. If you get pissed off or feel irrationally defensive, step away from it for a while until you're calm again. Acting rashly is what got you here, refusing to listen to others and sticking to a course of extreme hostility because you've got to be right is what you got you here. It's okay to be wrong, it's okay if there is still something right in the wrong and you just need to clarify and change the tone or direction. That's a real mistake! You're a person, mistakes will happen. Unfortunately, you're also a person who dropped fucking napalm on the RPC, people will scrutinize what you do for a while. It's frustrating and exhausting sometimes, but remind yourself that it is your own fault.
Be open and welcoming on your meme blogs. Don't make people feel like they're walking into a trap by engaging with your resources, that if they RP something you don't like or a character you don't like, and reblog a meme from you that has nothing to do with either, they'll end up in a callout or getting harassment in their inbox. It's okay to say that you won't make memes or reblog them that deal with XYZ, that's your right! But it's just more inflammatory behavior to expect people to go to your meme blog's rules page/doc/carrd and correctly infer that they're the "proshipper" you're saying shouldn't reblog your resources regardless of content or use. People see them on their dashes and reblog, they're not even in a position to see these rules most of the time. No one should be punished for using resources the way they're meant to be used on tumblr, and you aren't RPing with these people. You don't have to engage with their content or them. In fact, you can quietly block them on your RP blogs to ensure you don't ever interact with them directly. It's just not necessary and only furthering the problem to do this on a meme or other resource blog, okay? Just don't share your RP blogs in connection with your meme etc. blogs, keep it separate to control your environment the way you need to peacefully.
Be intolerant of harassment where you see it going on. You can uniquely speak from experience on both sides of this issue now, this is what changing in a way that isn't just performative means. Send a polite anon advising someone not to do what you did and why, join a conversation and help someone understand why this is wrong and how it can really come back on them awfully as well. Make yourself a voice for reason and tolerance, re-establish yourself in this way, become known as someone who did something bad, but is now using that experience to do good.
All of this takes work, but hey, if it's important enough to you, if you're earnest enough, you have the strength to do this. And, furthermore, if you truly can be that genuine and committed, are not weirdly trolling my blog in a way that'll just make you look like an ass, or lying for passable sympathy to end your problems, I'll help you. I'll reblog that post you need to make, I'll go over it with you before you post it and help you understand any problems with it, that way, it has a higher chance of being seen by people you hurt as well as coming from a genuine place. I'll not block this anon message, I'll unblock a blog of your choice you can contact me with directly, and you can vent or ask for help in this process privately.
I was willing to be that person before, I really do believe in making the RPC better, so, I'm willing to be that person now despite what you've done. You hurt a lot of people, they deserve for you to change, if I can help make that really happen, I will do it, you didn't harm me like you did them. I just need you to do some self-examination and be serious about it. If you can't commit to this, if you're going to keep blaming everyone else and coming off like your primary point of regret is that you're being harassed in return, if you want to keep pretending that the majority of the RPC didn't see what you did, if you engage in callout culture or otherwise harass anyone, that's going to be the cut off. I will retract that offer, I'm not going to be civil to someone who is engaged in those behaviors, and am not willing to endanger others by helping them pull the wool over their eyes until it suits them to attack again. If you choose to pull that kind of thing? I'm sorry, but I really will get unbelievably hateful this time and I will stay that way.
I genuinely hope that this can be a turning point, that everyone can start on the long road to moving beyond this entire thing. We all deserve to peacefully enjoy ourselves in a fun hobby.
