[x] deleted scene: if these walls could talk they’d cry || Julianne & Steven
It had been a month since, Steven had first started to notice it. It had started small. He’d missed taking one of his pills one night, because Julianne and Luca, were home and he didn’t need it. Not really. Not when there were blanket forts to make and Superhero impersonations to do for Luca anyway. He’d woke up that night in a sweat, but had it pegged to falling asleep in a blanket fort. Not exactly a 5 star resort was it? So it wasn’t until the next night, where he’d forgotten to take them again, that he really knew what he’d forgotten and everything started to connect.
Steven hadn’t wanted to even take the pills to begin with.
He remembered the doctor warning him if he didn’t take them, physiotherapy for his arm would be almost impossible to complete and he might never be able to get the same movement in it as he once had before. But Steven hadn’t cared much about that. He wasn’t going to risk it. Even if pain pills hadn’t been his main problem before, he still had liked them. Liked them enough for them to cause a problem and he wasn’t going to risk having another with them. So he’d put them away in the back of the medicine cabinet and forgot all about them.
For at least two weeks anyway. His therapy hadn’t been going well — if not at all and he could tell Julianne was getting worried. Sid, who’d been much more seriously injured than he had been was on the mend and Steven could still barely grab anything without wincing and dropping it on contact. His doctor reminded him once again if he didn’t start taking the pills he was going to make things worse. That the pain wouldn’t get better and would probably become all too much for him to take. Something about nerves and pinches. That if he was really worried about his ‘problem’, there were steps in place to manage that. Steven took the pills out that night and stared at the bottle for an entire hour before he put them back away and went back downstairs to make Luca his dinner.
He made up his mind. He was going to ride this out. He wasn’t going to take them. He could do this on his own.
It was another week, before he took out the pills and popped one. He’d been shifting furniture around and something just happened, he still wasn’t sure what but he’d fallen so hard to the floor because of the pain, that Luca who’d been napping in his bouncer had woke up and started to cry. He’d been barely able to speak. Let alone do anything else. but groan in pain, as his good hand reached up to clasped his elbow and try to keep everything together. The problem was everything wasn’t together. Everything was actually falling apart. Or at least was about to, Steven just didn’t know it, or at least didn’t want to admit it just yet.
His arm sorted itself out pretty soon after all of that. He was picking his son up again. He was even picking up his soon to be wife again. Life was good. Actually life was great.
“So, everything is looking good then?”
Steven didn’t want to appear cocky, but yeah he’d just lifted a good size dumbbell for the Doc to see his progress, “better than ever.” Okay slight pull at the truth there… he use to be able to do deadlifts after all.
“Well, I guess we’re done here then. The rest of the bottle of Vicodin you got last week should last you till you’re through.”
Getting up, Steven shook his doctor’s hand, before grabbing his things and walking back outside the office. The smile on his face wouldn’t last though. He wished he’d known that. Or maybe it was better off that he hadn’t. At least not then. When the damage had already been done and he couldn’t have changed anything even if he’d really wanted to.
After waking up another night in a sweat, Steven had pushed his way out of the covers and run over to the bathroom, throwing up the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl. After struggling to hold himself up, Steven walked over to the medicine cabinet and looked inside. The Vicodin had long run out, but he knew Julianne kept something strong for whenever she had real bad cramps, so he took a couple of those pain killers, before climbing back in and under the covers. Feeling better, Steven managed to sleep the rest of the night without a problem and he probably would have kept sleeping if Julianne and Luca hadn’t woken him up. Something about a day at the park? Steven groaned, his stomach hurt and his head was aching. There was no way he’d be able to make it to the park today. Julianne immediately had it pegged done that he had the flu and quickly got Luca out of there. Which he actually kind of hoped he did.
By the end of the week the house was lacking any sort of pain killer and Steven had to take a few out of his mom’s house so Julianne wouldn't notice. He’d gotten back in contact with his old friend Matt as well, who’d given him an entire two weeks worth of Vicodin. Steven was sure…. he was so sure if he just did this properly he could ween himself off it. That everything would go back to being okay.
Kissing Julianne and Luca goodbye, after offering up the excuse that he wasn’t feeling so good and wouldn’t be able to make the show tonight, Steven quickly ran upstairs and grabbed out the duffle bag he’d been packing for two days now. He’d decided the only way to do this was to go cold turkey again. Last time he’d had Ian to ride it out with him, but there was no way he was going to allow Julianne to see that side of him. He’d hurt too many people the last time he’d gone through it. Candice, Ian, Matt… there was just no way he’d risk Julianne. Walking over to his side of the bed, Steven grabbed the picture he had framed of Luca and Julianne. The very picture he was planning on putting right next to his phone, so if he even thought once about calling his dealer to come out and save him, he wouldn’t. He kissed it and placed it in the bag on top of a spare change of clothes and few boxes of Tuna he’d also pack in there. He was going to need to keep up his energy up. Throwing everything into his car. Steven took off, driving out to a motel that was just far enough out that no one was bound to recognise him as Julianne Hough’s finance.
After pulling up and organising a room for himself — one as far away from the reception as possible, Steven grabbed his bag and locked himself in for rest of the night. He knew Julianne would be suspicious if she came home and he wasn’t there, but he left a note on the fridge that he went to Casey’s for the night, because he was having an ‘ex’ issue. He figured it was realistic enough for her not to question it. The room was a horrible pink and Steven had to remind himself he wasn’t here for a holiday and the color of the room was soon going to be the last thing on his mind. Taking out the bottle of pills from his bag, Steven walked over to the toilet and tipped them all out in one go, before flushing them. He smiled. “You’re not going to win this time. I’ve got too much to lose.”
Once setting up the picture of, Julianne and Luca, on the sink next to where he’d also placed his phone, Steven moved to the back of the bathroom and pressed his back against the bath. He could already feel the effects of his body withdrawing. It had been a good day since he’d taken anything and he knew, he just knew he was going to fall apart tonight without them. It was what he’d been planning for though. He needed to get them out his system. After pushing his head back against the shower screen, Steven closed his eyes and tried to think of the people he was doing this for. He needed them now more than he ever had before.
Julianne was there when he closed his eyes and so was Luca, only he wasn’t a small baby anymore, he was about six or seven and they were on the ice trying to get him to follow them out. Luca had just learned this really cool trick that he wanted to show him. Julianne was wrapping her arms around him and whispering something in his ear as he watched his son skate around the ice and manoeuvre the puck back and forth between the cones. He was great. He was really something. He yelled it out so Luca could hear him and smiled when his son smiled and shot him a thumbs up in response. Turning towards back towards his wife, because she was his wife now, Steven smiled and pressed his mouth against her neck. “So, his got hockey camp coming up and Carter has that whole dance thing too, what do you say we make our way back to Cabo again?” He found her lips and pressed his own against them. Luca had long got use to his parents doing shit like that, so the sounds of his son’s skates moving across the ice hand’t stopped. Breaking away from the kiss, Steven smiled, at her agreement and took her hand in his own, “I love you, Mrs McQueen.”
Steven was woken up by the sudden need to throw up, which he didn’t try to fight. He knew this was all part of the deal. Going cold turkey wasn’t meant to be easy. Once his stomach had calmed down, the brunette made his way back over to the same spot he'd been sitting before, closing his eyes again once he had. Only this time he wasn’t taken to the future but rather a memory from the past.
Shifting over to the blonde, Steven traced his fingers down the arch of her back, before stopping as she rolled over to meet him. Her smile mirrored his own. He hadn’t stopped smiling since he’d asked to turn the cab back around and told her he loved her. He hadn’t stopped smiling as she said it back and pulled him inside — in more ways then one. He pressed his lips to her cheek, to her lips, to her nose, to her chest.. he pressed his lips everywhere he could reach. He knew they'd succumb to exhaustion soon, but Steven wanted to live in this moment just that little bit more. He reached out, his hand searching for her’s.
He woke up again. His hand still outstretched and trying to locate Julianne’s, but not for much longer as Steven needed it to grab his stomach. That pain was really starting to hurt, so he closed his eyes again. Holding them shut as long as he could muster it.
“Steven! Steven!” Julianne was grabbing his hand. Placing it on her stomach, only just short of whenever their baby decided to kick. “I’m never going to feel it.” Steven huffed, but Julianne was determined. Holding his hand there a little while longer than usual and sending him the biggest smile he’d ever seen when the baby finally decided to say ‘hello, dad.’ “Wow. That’s our baby…” They kissed and Steven smiled.
He tried to keep his hand glued to Julianne’s stomach, but he needed to hold his own. “Ah—ahhh.” Steven choked out a scream, as he curled up against the tiles and tried to keep Julianne and Luca with him. But the pain was keeping him awake, so he couldn’t. Instead he cried out as his chest tightened and his stomach twisted. He begged for relief. He begged to everyone who wasn’t there to help him. To take the pain away. But of course no one answered. No one was really there. He had wanted it that way. No one to hurt except himself then. But fuck! It really hurt.
Steven desperately tried to keep his mind on Julianne, but the memories were getting shorter and shorter and he knew sooner he wouldn’t be able to recall any. The pain was just — it was just too much.
His arm was throbbing and although he kept reminding himself it had healed a long time ago, his body was convincing him otherwise. His chest was tightened a little while after that and made it difficult to breathe. Steven had shakily got to his feet, gasping for air as he left the bathroom, because he needed air, needed fresh air right now. He made it all the way to the door before he found the strength to stop. The strength to stop himself running back to Julianne. Where he could cry and tell her he couldn’t breathe and he was in so much pain, and she could hold him and tell him everything would be okay. But he stopped himself just in time and retreated back to his spot on the bathroom tiles. He couldn’t do that to her.
Holding his gut, Steven let out another agonising scream as he reached out for the toilet and barely managed to heave himself up in time to throw up what was left in his stomach. “FUCCCKKKKKKKKK!” Steven yelled to no one. He was shaking, but he wasn’t cold. His arm was throbbing, but it hadn't been broken in weeks. Steven was dying, but he was still very much alive. That was the problem with withdrawals — your body wanted something you knew you didn’t, so it was constant battle and there was always something that got hurt along the way. For Steven right now that person was himself.
His phone buzzed. It was Matt’s ringtone. He peeked up, but the picture of Julianne and Luca, kept him from answering. Letting a weak, but still a smile, appear on his face Steven drew his knees up to his chest and tightened his hands into two fists. He would make it. He would make it.
It was around 9 when Steven gave up.
He crawled. He dragged. He surrendered his way over to the bench and reached up, knocking the photo of Jules’ and Luca to the ground as he did. “He— hey— hey!” He barely had the phone unlocked before he was already yelling at it. His fingers wouldn’t slide the damn thing open and he was so close to smashing it, but NO, he needed it. After finally getting it open, Steven pulled up his friend’s number, “Hey… can you come over? I—I- I need something.” Matt was trying to be friendly, trying to drop a few things about this girl he met last night, but Steven didn't have the time for it, “look are you coming or what? I can go somewhere else.” He didn’t like the sound of that. Yeah no more talk about girls either. Just price, place and product. Steven agreed to everything. Dropping his phone, Steven fell back against the tiles and tried to press push the cold into his skin. He needed something to numb him. It didn’t work. Dragging himself across the bathroom floor once again, cutting his arm against the broken glass as he did, Steven finally left his failed rehab behind. Wincing as the glass crept under the skin in his arm, Steven sighed and picked at it, only to drive it further inside. He’d forgotten about the broken glass, because he’d forgotten about the broken frame, and the contents inside. His mind was elsewhere now. It definitely was no longer on them. It couldn’t be. He wouldn’t be doing any of this if it was.
Grabbing the blanket off the end of the bed, Steven wrapped it around himself, as he dragged and stumbled his way across the small, stupid pink room, before collapsing with a single thud against the door. He cried, he waited. He sobbed, he waited. He screamed, he waited. By the time there was a knock on the door, he was up, alert, but still waiting. Matt didn’t like the look of him, but it wasn’t like he was a doctor. Matt was his dealer. Big difference. He didn’t stick around for long. Just long enough to get his money and ask ridiculous and meaningless questions about how Steven was feeling. He wasn’t feeling. He hadn’t been feeling for almost an entire hour. Grabbing the bottle, Steven had been in such a hurry to get it open that the lid popped off so suddenly that the pills had ended up all over the ground. Throwing himself to the floor Steven picked them up. One for the bottle, one for him. One for the bottle, two for him. It wasn’t long till the 3 little white pills took effect and Steven was back, curled up on the rug on the floor and closing his eyes as he slowly felt the pain go away.
Steven knew what happened the moment his eyes opened and he saw where he was and what was still clenched tightly in his hand. His lip trembled, his throat grew tight and he screamed. Then he cried. He cried for what felt like hours. Till he popped another pill and pulled himself back off the ground. The damage was done. He’d lost. He’d lost everything. He hadn’t even managed to last the full night. Jules was still shooting her episode and Steven hadn’t even made it till they called cut. Who was he kidding himself? Had he honestly believed he’d survive going cold turkey in an off the beaten path motel room, all to just drive back home the next day fully recovered? He was pathetic. He was weak.
Glancing down at his arm, Steven winced from the sight but not the pain, because he couldn’t feel anything anymore. At least not from the cuts on his arm and the small pieces of glass still inside. Scratching the pieces out, Steven moved around the small room, where he grabbed out a broom and swept it all up. He tided the room. He tided the doorway. He even tided himself up. As much as he could anyway. With the dust pan still in hand, Steven made his way into the bathroom. The picture was still on the ground and Steven couldn’t move. He had a pill in his system, but somehow pain, unbearable pain was still managing to seep through. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. Shaking, Steven walked over and picked up the picture, looking at Julianne’s face and then his son’s, and then brushing up the remains of what was left of it. He didn’t deserve them. He didn’t even deserve to look at them. He swept it all up till there was nothing left.
After driving home, Steven now calmer that the drugs were in his system, pulled up outside of his house and walked inside. It was still quiet. He figured that would be the case. She wouldn’t be home for another hour or two and Steven had a lot to get done in that time, so without wasting another moment, he dropped his keys into the small clear bowl beside the door and started to pack. By the time he was done. The house didn’t feel like his anymore. He knew there was stuff of his left behind, stuff like hockey sticks and Kings merchandise, and a tux he wasn’t ever going to be able to use, but he couldn’t take everything. It wouldn’t all fit.
A part of him was screaming. Telling himself to stay. Telling himself everything would be okay if he just waited, but he couldn’t trust that part of himself anymore. Especially when that was the same part that told him only a month or so ago he’d be okay if he just took the stupid damn pill. He could feel the tears starting to boil up again and he briefly wondered how it was even possible he hadn’t already cried every last one of them out. Walking back upstairs, Steven glanced over at Luca’s room, but didn’t dare go inside. He knew if he did, Julianne would come home tonight and find him there on the floor, crying. He knew then she’d pick him up and tell him everything was going to be okay, not just because she believed it but because she didn’t know any better. Steven was not okay and he wasn’t simply going to be okay, just because Julianne said so. It didn’t work that way. If it did, Steven wouldn’t be leaving. So instead of walking into Luca’s room, Steven turned into their bedroom, walking over to the side of the bed where Julianne slept and laid himself down on top.
He tried to imagine an invisible Julianne, who he could say his final goodbyes to, who he could explain himself to. He closed his eyes and pictured her and then there she was. Holding him, kissing him, loving him. God, he loved her. He loved her so much he could barely contain himself from holding her just that bit tighter. “Jules…” She smiled and answered, laughing out his name, “I’m sick.” She was still smiling, but it was different, instead she was reaching out to feel his temperature and telling him she’d make him the best chicken and corn soup he’d ever had. “It’s not the kind of sick that chicken and corn soup can fix.” Her smile was slipping. Steven hated seeing her upset. “I need help, but I can’t get it here.” She was trying to shut him up with kisses, but Steven needed to finish, “Jules you can’t keep trying to put me back together anymore.” She didn’t have all the pieces. Steven had tossed most of them in the trash by now. The only one who could fix him was himself. He knew that, but Julianne didn’t believe it. I can fix it. I can fix you. I love you. Steven cried, he pulled at arms, he pulled at her clothes, but no matter how much he grabbed nothing changed. “I love you, so much. I love you and Luca, so much. I’m sorry Jules. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t — do this, I can’t do this to you two anymore.” He grabbed at her again, but this time his hands only came into contact with sheets, because Julianne was gone. He’d opened his eyes again and realisation had sent her away.
“I love you.” He rolled over and pressed his lips to her pillow. Her face was the first thing that greeted him once he did and he kept his own there long enough that by the time he pulled his head back out, his eyes had to readjust to all the light. After climbing off the bed, Steven took one last look at the room, before he switched the light off and closed the door.
Walking downstairs, Steven grabbed the note off the fridge, before scrunching it up and throwing it into the bin. He picked up his keys and grabbed the last bag he packed.
He decided he was going to go back to Atlanta for a bit. He had to shoot a few episode of the Vampire Diaries, but he also needed to talk to Julie and tell her he wouldn’t be around next season. He was going to go get help. Maybe, maybe it wouldn’t take him that long and he’d be back in Julianne’s arms in a month. As a better man. As the right man. He told himself that the entire drive out to Atlanta. Thirty two hours he told himself he’d be okay once he got himself sorted. If only he knew that battle had only just begun and it was going to be a much longer one than Steven had anticipated.
He hadn’t though, so instead Steven manage to stay hopeful the entire time to Atlanta, that he’d see his family again one day.
It was probably best that he ended up lying to himself.
I’ll call her as soon as I get in.
As soon as I wrap on set.
