it’s not that she and shauna were ever really close before all of this, but nat liked to believe that at one point, they at least respected each other. for all that she’s been through, nat does still respect her, but she has to balance that with what she’s become out here, how she’s made nat’s job as a leader so much harder, by both her own dismissal of nat and the way everyone else reacts to the way shauna’s coping with it all. sometimes it feels like her responsibility to reel shauna back in — she also knows shauna’s not willing to really listen to her, that she’s going to do what she needs to do and nat can’t stand in the way of it. she also likes to think that maybe, the girl she used to be before all this is still in there, waiting for someone to reach out — and nat’s going to keep trying and keep trying, for herself, for shauna, for everyone else.
@hienous 💬 "is that what you wanna hear? that i’m the bad guy? fine. i’ll be the bad guy."
❝ no— no one has to be the bad guy, ❞ we could still be a fucking team, she wants to say, but she imagines that will only push shauna away farther, because it’s clear that if there is still a team here, shauna doesn’t want to be on it. but what she’s doing isn’t helping anyone, she doesn’t even think it’s helping shauna herself, like she can see the pain written all over her face, underneath the mask she’s trying to wear. nat doesn’t know how to get past it. ❝ i don't think you're the bad guy, shauna. ❞ it’s almost a question, the way she says her name is pleading— to shauna or herself, she doesn't know. maybe she just wants to convince herself that shauna isn’t all bad, that this isn’t just who she is now.
❝ but we need to stick together. turning against each other is only going to get us all killed. ❞ doesn’t she remember holding a knife to nat’s throat? nat will never forget the look in shauna’s eyes, like she was telling nat she didn’t want to do this, and nat was begging her not to — she knows shauna can’t possibly want that now, either. she has to believe that.