It was probably the fact my boogie board had snapped in two that made me realise that despite my best efforts, that this day was not the day that I was going to become a surfer. I’d caught a few shitty waves earlier on before this fuck off massive one came and I sort of caught it but I also sort of got caught off guard by it resulting in my head slamming into the board and breaking the polystyrene inside the board in two. It wasn’t enough to make me give up entirely - but when you’re trying it on with a board broken in two you’re pretty damned. I ended up being slightly fucked off by it and taking the wrist strap off and letting the board float into the sea for some other poor soul to try and use.
Sometimes in my mind I invent sorts of pseudosciences and on this particular day I’d had my head wrapped up in the waves, how they boards react to gravity, a sort of weird analogy I’d thought of with ball bearings on trampolines and how surfboards and boogie boards roll down the oncoming wave like they were being pulled by some kind of magnetism from the seabed like ball bearings on a trampoline rolling around or something like that; it made sense to me and I was desperately trying to test the theory. I’d also smoked some Pure the night before and hadn’t slept, so I thought maybe a trip to the beach and a decent hit of chop would chill me out a bit. Come 7pm I was still there, fucking knackered but mentally still revving the shit out of at least three brain cylinders and it was all deserted apart from some kids playing on the rocks.
Now this is the interesting bit. I’d ditched the bodyboard and decided to nick a surfboard from the shed on the beach because the waves were still good and I’d fucked up my board and I’d seen earlier that the cunt that owned it clearly didn’t know how to lock a shed. He was basically asking for it. There was a really lovely vintage surfboard with quane written on it inside, which I’d decided would do the trip, and I took it off the wall and back into the water. Kawabunga motherfucker. This thing really looked fucking cool and I figured I’d try and get some waves on it before nicking it for good.
Half an hour later I still had no idea how to catch a wave on this stupid board. I was laughing at myself for being such a prick. Oh well. Kept trying. The kids on the rocks had got into the water and had their own boogie boards and they were doing a much better job of catching waves than I’d done all afternoon. They were around by the rocks still which vaguely concerned me but mostly I was ok with because I was feeling a bit paranoid they’d go tell mummy and daddy that there was a weirdo with a stolen surfboard still on the beach after five hours. If they came closer i could’ve told them to fuck off probably. But they were there, I was here.
The miracle wave happened finally. I was probably about 30 meters out and I could see this stupid big wave coming from ages away. I had myself good and ready and when it finally was upon me I did exactly what the pros do. Fuck, it must’ve been three metres at its face, curling beautifully, powerfully massive. I launched myself onto the board, ready to stand up, ball bearings on a trampoline, yes it was going to happen, the excitement was right there and the struggles of today were going to pay off all at once. God, what a feeling.
<a href="http://meltedicecream.bandcamp.com/album/difficult-listening" data-mce-href="http://meltedicecream.bandcamp.com/album/difficult-listening">Thrill Collins - Difficult Listening</a>
Nope, fell off. I went under, never have I been slammed that hard by a wave before, almost knocked me out, water in the ears and the nose and the mouth. Was this drowning? I did ponder that for a second but then I resurfaced and it was fine. Fuck it. Those kids had started screaming, clearly they’d had a bad trip on that one too. I glanced over and noticed the two making the most noise were at the shore. Grow the fuck up I thought. Just a wave. Just a massive fucking wave.
Then when I squinted I noticed the kid on the rocks, not looking too healthy. In fact he was looking pretty fucked up. His forearm seemed like maybe it was at right angles. Didn’t seem to be moving much. Hmm. Yeah he definitely wasn’t moving. Squinted a bit harder at him. Come to think of it that was definitely a hue of red on the rocks. Fuck. definitely something pissing out of his skull. This kid was fucked. Good as dead. Dead. Probably. Shit. I realised I’d be needing to get the fuck out of there stat.
Anyway I’ve put the board on trademe now, hope you can throw a bid down, its a pretty good deal. http://www.trademe.co.nz/sports/surfing/surfboards/longboards/auction-715155184.htm
Also while I’m flogging shit off, Melted Ice Cream now have some fresh new shit:
* Thrill Collins have released their fantastic 'Difficult Listening' album, as glowingly reviewed by Simon Sweetman and is available to buy here or streamable above.
* Team Ugly’s excellent, sickeningly orange ‘Screaming In Tongues’ cassettes are available on Melted Ice Cream's page on flyingout.co.nz
* 10 more copies of X-Ray Charles’ ‘Selph Titled’ EP. Buy them, they’re cheap and fucking great.
