Nov 20, 2018
as long as everyone else got a happy ending, im ok with being a port in a storm. just be happy, all of you.
seen from Malaysia
seen from Greece
seen from China
seen from United Kingdom
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from China
seen from Germany
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from Serbia
as long as everyone else got a happy ending, im ok with being a port in a storm. just be happy, all of you.
dorian, you flaming disaster (hah, fire mage joke), where are you? i found your boyfriend and i miss my best friend. we need to do that parlor trick again. the one with the fire snake.
there’s a job in pittsburgh that i desperately want and they want to interview me as in fly me out for it but oh my god they won’t just like commit and I want to throw something at them like HIRE ME GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!! I WANT TO CAPITALISM FOR YOU!!!!!!! JUST LET ME POKE THE PATHOGENS pLEASE
i cant ask him to be my rock when the world comes crashing down. i need to be strong.
even if its killing me.
they are finally here.
they are finally here.
im not allowed to think before bed.
its a vent. deal.
i get to thinking and i get to remembering and i start to tell myself that people deserved better. i cant even confirm or deny this!
i just start to feel like shit because what if one of the hawkes HAD led the inquisition? bethany was so headstrong and marian was brave and carver was tactful and garrett had moxy and charisma and instead i got stuck with the mantle. cassandra could have led it. or leliana. varric, josephine, cullen, anyone but me.
all the mistakes i made in my life. im bitter. at myself, at my chances, at everything that happened.
i hate myself. i really hate myself! im angry at myself for thinking like this but i cant stop it. im so dependent on the people i love telling me in doing the right things. i hate this.
and on top of all this... i keep missing people i have no right to miss. port jn a storm shit, except my soft heart cant... not fall in love, i guess. i cant NOT have feelings. for fenris. for garrett. for bull. for dorian. for varric. this. this is killing me and i dont know HOW to let go. im not used to being this alone and yeah i have friends but im still alone it feels like. im so lucky to have found the people i have found but its so fucked up of me to say i want to be special to someone again.
im nobodys special person. and i dont think i ever was. and i know im supposed to be ok with that but it gets to you after a while.
its getting harder and harder to feel anything. fade whispers of the past are fading away and its... its so hard.
am i losing hope already? am i losing what faith i have in myself and in finding the people i love?
i almost wish i hadnt found fenris. hes a lovely man. and in the long run im glad i found him. but that confirmed my fear: garrett didnt love me. not like i thought he did. and im jealous! im so shitty for it. but im jealous. why am i so jealous?
because i dont know if varric loved me. i dont know if he truly felt that way for me. i know after bianca and him split he needed a rebound. he needed to feel loved. and i was good at that.
but i dont know if anyone actually ever loved me and its sad. its so sad to crave that feeling and to give so much of it away and never know if its given back.
i hate this.
i hate being this selfish.
made a dragonagekin subreddit.
bet you cant guess the url.
[ hint, its reddit.com/r/dragonagekin its open to any kin or fictives from the source ]