Personal ramblings
Those who read tags and stuff by me know about my psychologist going on maternity leave. Our last session will be on Tuesday. I did express my feelings about it but now I feel terrified, lost, and can't stop crying as if I'm actually losing someone. The post about dreams reminded me that at some point in November or around that I had a dream in which my psychologist told me that she would have to leave me and that she was sorry for me not working through my problems anymore and getting stuck. I did share that with her back in time and I came to the conclusion that it was just a projection of my first experience with the first psychologist. And she reassured me that it won't happen. I don't know what triggered my fear back then but it was the first time in 3 years when I had it. And, as I calculate now, that timing was... A bit too accurate... The reason, however, was wrong but at the same time I do feel now like being stuck in a loop personally and not progressing with anything anymore. I can't move past one thing and I did try many different ways with her and myself. I didn't indeed make a huge difference in my life that others expect me (like getting a job, leaving the place I live and living independently again) but I still had some personal wins many don't know about and the scale of which can seem too small but for me they were real steps. The last time I partied my ways with a psychologist I hit the bottom and ended up entering this Uni around 5 months later which was a huge turn of events and one of the major and biggest independent decisions of my life. Maybe, this can be a pattern too with having some important GOOD life turn after such ending with the therapist?
