Taking stock of your friends
So many of my posts begin with "recently" followed by "a conversation" so here we go again...
My recent conversation with a friend of mine revolved around friendships and how she found herself feeling detached from a lot of them. It was an inevitable stage when post-university life starts to slowly but surely reveal the cracks in your previously solid friendships and suddenly the things you thought you had in common vanish.
Ending a university experience, especially in your early 20s is a natural time for this. But I think once such a marked stage ends and work life begins, the next "stage" of your life is not often so obvious and so nowadays, the "who are these people?" moment catches me off guard.
I'm a self-professed friend hoarder. I'm an extrovert and I love spending time with my friends but these days, it's getting harder. You can't jam everything into your life and also hope that your social life is still in tact (I think 2014 proved that for me). Inevitably, you're going to have to spend less time with everyone, make more free time, or decrease the number of friends you have.
The last option is simply the easiest and I think it's also the most realistic. But perhaps the hardest.
What's a girl to do?
I saw a video a while back that featured Rana Florida explaining her concept of "timefluence." Initially I thought the notion of editing you friends was ludacris (friend hoarder - me!) but then I realized that she had a point.
No, I didn't actually write a list of my friends and give them a +, 0 or -. But there are times when I mentally classify someone and then make an active decision as to what I want to do about it. Friends who are rated as negative are those who take, take, take. Sometimes it's just the energy you don't want to expend on their drama, personality issues, or development trauma. I think setting healthy boundaries requires that we take these people out of our lives or actively work to decrease the time they take up in our lives.
Those who are 0 are the "fun" people, the ones who don't really add to your life necessarily but don't take anything out of it either.
Finally, the positive/plus people are those who inspire you and bring value to your life. My closest friends are able to say the truth and we encourage each other along. Sometimes they give me those reality checks I need. No matter, they are the people who inspire me to be better in every way and they are right there to support me along the way.
Rana says to get rid of the negatives AND the zeros. I was quite appalled by the 0s but it's true. We simply don't have the time to hang out with "fun" people who don't add to your life. Why can't we have both? Those are the pluses.
I think we are too old, too busy, and frankly, too tired to engage with people who get angry with us for no reason, are selfish, talk behind our backs, or just spend all of the time talking about themselves. And if you find yourself doing any of these things to your friends, either apologize and change or move the heck on.
It's time we stepped up to the plate and evaluated our friendships, including how we are in them. With a new year around the corner, none of us can afford to spend time not to do so.