Post-Grad School (Ad)Ventures

What I learn and think about is what you get to read about. I believe in self-reflection, growing from the pain, and that character is what will ultimately separate you from the rest.

[gradschoolventures]

An awkward situation

I went through something recently and it’s rather hard for me to write this but I’m doing it anyways because I strongly believe in talking about an issue that is filled with a litany of myths. 

A male coworker started at my work a while back and we’ve been getting to know each other, as coworkers do. One day he decided to grab my arm, another time compliment me on the dress I was wearing, and stroke my arm in front of others in a conversation. 

I am extremely uncomfortable with this, but only because we are in the workplace. If this happened outside of work, I wouldn’t mind. But in a professional environment where touch can be considered anything but professional and as a woman, I could be seen as being an instigator because he is engaged and I am not.

I believe in upholding the highest standard of professional conduct and that includes not giving anyone reason to ever wonder if your actions could be misconstrued in another way. 

When someone makes you feel uncomfortable, the onus is on that person to stop. You can only control your own actions. You cannot control his.

Yet, here were some of the responses I got when I reached out for support from my friends:

- this is what happens when you’re too friendly - you’re overthinking/overanalyzing the situation - he’s not hitting on you - he’s hitting on you - this is common in the workplace - check your own intentions - are you sure???

I faced disbelief, questioning, and a lot of accusations of being a person who just assumes someone likes her. Please note, I never said anything about like.

When these situations happen, it doesn’t matter whether you like him or if he likes you. Put that aside and the situation still remains. He made you feel uncomfortable because he was unprofessional and in doing so, put you in an awkward position. Now you have to respond to an awkward situation. That’s it. 

I hope that if this happens to you (and I wish it never does), or if you see/hear it, I hope you can look beyond the myths that we somehow invite these things upon ourselves. That as a woman, I tempt guys by acting or dressing a certain way. That what we feel is somehow untrue or less or unreasonable. That by being a good coworker we are inviting discomfort or unwarranted behaviour. I wish that everyone I talked to about this was more understanding and encouraging because if they were, if everyone we ever talked to were as well, we’d see more reported cases of sexual harassment, of sexual assault, or of discrimination or harassment in general. It would mean that people would have the courage to speak up. This would mean more respect, more consideration, and more peace. I’d like some of that. 

[gradschoolventures]

Resolutions Revisited

My last post was about new year’s resolutions and how I haphazardly scribbled a few things on these post-it notes as I usually do with these things and left them scattered somewhere.

Last night, as I was heading to dinner to celebrate one of my friends getting a new job, it struck me that I had no goals. A family friend had asked me the same thing the other week and I said I didn’t really have any. 

To be honest, it’s not that I don’t have any goals. I don’t think going through life aimless without any desires or dreams or even goals is healthy. It wasn’t so much that I had none but that I had achieved all of those words on those post-its. I just didn’t realize it until then. 

You see, I am finishing a project management course and I’m going to get my certificate. And thank God work paid for it.

I got rid of crappy friendships and while sometimes I’m still riddled with guilt from it all, knowing that I am free and whole is better than being tied to people out of obligation and in fear that their instabilities and mood swings and negativity will show themselves whenever I say the “wrong” things.

I am finally on the alma mater’s alumni association, which the good business kid in me will be happy with because it’s something to write on my resume and LinkedIn. And I was elected...albeit by friends who’s counting?

I also figured out that my procrastination with starting a wedding coordination business (yes, it’s a thing and I’m good at it) isn’t going to help with resting and de-stressing. I’ve come off of a long month of insanity and busyness and all of it required planning and executing. Getting paid is great but at what personal price? I need to find something else that works. But I’m okay with that and I’m at peace with my decision.

I think we often forget to count our blessings and celebrate our achievements. We’re too busy forging ahead, making plans and keeping busy that we don’t realize it when we’ve checked off something big off of our goals and new year’s resolutions list.

I am proud of myself for achieving these things and I’m excited to make new ones for the rest of the year. It’s funny how I’m making 6-month goals but they’re important and they help us focus on the great place we’ll be when we achieve them. 

Onward and upward!

[gradschoolventures]

New Years’ Resolutions vs. Spring Cleaning

Maybe you’re terrible at New Years’ resolutions. I know I was this year. I started in February to write down a list of things I wanted to do this year and then I just put it aside, not because I didn’t want to achieve anything or have any goals but I realized that my whole life was a series of achievements and I was pushing myself to constantly achieve, get things done, tick off those checkboxes. I had no desire to solidify any of that with a list of goals for the entire year.

Sans new years’ resolutions, I’m achieving a lot and I’ve reached new heights the last few months. At the same time, with spring drawing near, I’m also realizing that a crucial exercise that I needed to participate in was spring cleaning. I spent the last two weekends cleaning my house, deep cleaning. I finally cleared the leaves outside, and washed things that I neglected to do, and ironed that pile of laundry that was screaming at me for two weeks. 

But in addition to my exterior cleaning, there was a lot going on internally that needed some light to be shone on, and some attention and cleaning. I’ve been quite obsessed with increasing my capacity as of late, at work and in my personal life. I’ve taken on new work assignments and I’m solidifying my volunteer work. Of course, this balancing act means I must decrease my commitment in other areas, namely in my social life. My personal life fills up my Google calendar and it might scare you if you saw it (because it scares me) but I also know that instead of just trying to force myself to do it all, I need to start thinking through what value these friendships and relationships and commitments are to me. 

I’m rather terrible at analyzing friendships and sorting through emotions. Instead, I often let things pile up and then once they hit a critical point, I review and reverse. And in some friendships, we’ve gotten there but I still struggle with letting go. But maybe this is the anti-new year resolutions. Maybe instead of making a list of things to achieve and adding more, it was about cutting down, reining things in, and taking stock of everything, if only for a brief moment of time. 

I’m spending a day cleaning up my emotional and mental cache of crap. It’s tough because I feel rather drained and physically exhausted from it but I also know this is healthy and it’s the only way to move on and grow. Sometimes this process causes a lot of grief but I truly believe in mourning the process, the person. And in order to be able to do more, be more to others, and continue to pursue the things that I’m truly passionate about, I need to leave all of this baggage outside of my door, and then sweep it up and throw it away. 

Join me?

[gradschoolventures]

Creating, thinking, and stopping

At the beginning of this year, I craved normalcy and I had no idea what that meant. People asked if that meant a routine, a schedule. I wasn't sure. I couldn't even tell what I needed because I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was rushing everywhere all the time, trying to get things done, and then waking up tired every single day (sound familiar?) And it was exhausting. I think the natural tendancy for anyone, or maybe just Type A personalities, is to be more productive, try to fit more in because if you can do more in less time you are more efficiency and efficiency almost always guarantees organization, satisfaction, and possibly relaxation right? So I started thinking about ways I could keep adding to my life, like learning a new language or playing an instrument, something to be more efficient and productive. When I shared this with my sister she sent me an article about how God didn't mean for us to live busy lives. Regardless of how you feel about God, the article revealed our deeply held belief that not being busy = not being productive and that in a world and culture of intense achievement we would be missing out. FOMO at its finest ladies and gents. But then I realized that on top of not being energized and feeling tired all the time, I also felt uncreative. Uninspired. I clearly wasn't blogging because I didn't have anything to write. Last week I tried to write something and it went nowhere. I needed to start thinking. Really thinking. My boss told me a few months ago that I needed to spend some time every week "thinking about things you need to think about." We often have these things in our lives that we need to mentally sort out and when we're running around all the time or engaged in screen time absorbing information, then we give up the time our bodies need to digest. To analyze. To reflect. Goodness, to think. We forget that we are more than just productive workers. We are also humans who need to connect with what's going on on the inside. What separates us from robots frankly, is our ability to be creative. We need to let our souls breathe. We need to reflect, pause, and let our minds wander. Otherwise our lives are just one big checklist. And that makes us really boring. And really robotic. So I'm going to turn off my ipad in the morning. I'm going to start thinking on my commutes. I'm just going to unplug more often during the day and start looking inward and think, not about to do lists but about things that matter. I guess you'll see the results with me because I'll be able to write more.

[gradschoolventures]

Taking stock of your friends

So many of my posts begin with "recently" followed by "a conversation" so here we go again...

My recent conversation with a friend of mine revolved around friendships and how she found herself feeling detached from a lot of them. It was an inevitable stage when post-university life starts to slowly but surely reveal the cracks in your previously solid friendships and suddenly the things you thought you had in common vanish. 

Ending a university experience, especially in your early 20s is a natural time for this. But I think once such a marked stage ends and work life begins, the next "stage" of your life is not often so obvious and so nowadays, the "who are these people?" moment catches me off guard.

I'm a self-professed friend hoarder. I'm an extrovert and I love spending time with my friends but these days, it's getting harder. You can't jam everything into your life and also hope that your social life is still in tact (I think 2014 proved that for me). Inevitably, you're going to have to spend less time with everyone, make more free time, or decrease the number of friends you have.

The last option is simply the easiest and I think it's also the most realistic. But perhaps the hardest. 

What's a girl to do?

I saw a video a while back that featured Rana Florida explaining her concept of "timefluence." Initially I thought the notion of editing you friends was ludacris (friend hoarder - me!) but then I realized that she had a point.

No, I didn't actually write a list of my friends and give them a +, 0 or -. But there are times when I mentally classify someone and then make an active decision as to what I want to do about it. Friends who are rated as negative are those who take, take, take. Sometimes it's just the energy you don't want to expend on their drama, personality issues, or development trauma. I think setting healthy boundaries requires that we take these people out of our lives or actively work to decrease the time they take up in our lives. 

Those who are 0 are the "fun" people, the ones who don't really add to your life necessarily but don't take anything out of it either. 

Finally, the positive/plus people are those who inspire you and bring value to your life. My closest friends are able to say the truth and we encourage each other along. Sometimes they give me those reality checks I need. No matter, they are the people who inspire me to be better in every way and they are right there to support me along the way.

Rana says to get rid of the negatives AND the zeros. I was quite appalled by the 0s but it's true. We simply don't have the time to hang out with "fun" people who don't add to your life. Why can't we have both? Those are the pluses.

I think we are too old, too busy, and frankly, too tired to engage with people who get angry with us for no reason, are selfish, talk behind our backs, or just spend all of the time talking about themselves. And if you find yourself doing any of these things to your friends, either apologize and change or move the heck on. 

It's time we stepped up to the plate and evaluated our friendships, including how we are in them. With a new year around the corner, none of us can afford to spend time not to do so.

[gradschoolventures]

Weighing me down

On a vacation to see my extended family who I haven’t seen in five years, we spent probably close to half an hour talking about how I was now fatter than when they last saw me. Yes, fatter. I really don’t know what people can say for that length of time except to repeat the same thing over and over again. The funny thing is that I was wearing the clothes I bought when I was with them five years ago, which I still fit. I’m not going to make excuses for my family. It sucks that they are part of a culture that worships at the feet of being thin, that somehow, just like Hollywood so bluntly reminds us all the time, being thin brings beauty, wealth, praise, and a man. There is no more a correlation between these things. It’s practically causation to everyone here.

I wish we spent 30 minutes instead talking about how this year was a year of change. How my burnout, which I’m still physically recovering from (at least the walking/hip part) was a turning point and it helped me to get out a precarious job with a crappy boss and a 3-hour commute everyday, and into a job with benefits, a competent and supportive boss, and a commute that is a third of what it used to be. I wish we talked about how if I gain a few pounds from not being able to walk and exercise to the extent that I’m used to, that it’s okay because it really isn’t about our weight and what size of clothing we wear that defines us or our worth. We are more than a number. Moreover, if it comes down to choosing between gaining weight or walking, I choose walking. Because that’s priceless.

I own my weight. And I’m fine with the weight gain. I am long past the time in my life when I would call myself fat and would feel crappy all day because something I put on felt tight that day. Because this is my story. I have a friend who also went through the same ordeal and was bedridden for months but to me, when I see her, I don’t see weight gain, I see a warrior who overcame a physical ailment. She challenges me to go beyond my physical impediments and be incredibly thankful that I am happy and able, but most importantly that I’m not inhibited by what I am or not. And that we can’t live our lives like that.

I look forward to the day when I can exercise at the same rate as I did before. I’m sure I’ll kick these few pounds. But I’m going to do that on my own terms, in my own time, and certainly not so that I can live up to the expectations of what the world or any culture has set for me.

[gradschoolventures]

Seeing Beyond the End

I went through the archives of this blog yesterday and realized that my reflections on the quarter-life crisis were written two years ago, before I started my job. It's taken two years, but I can finally say that I'm on my way out.

The quarter-life crisis seems to be hitting a lot of young people nowadays, thanks to our lengthier tenure as young people and not as married folk with kids. And even though it is termed a "crisis," there is much hope and joy in it because positive changes are often made to close off this part of our lives.

To be honest, one of the main reasons why I found myself in the quarter-life crisis to begin with was an overwhelming pressure to be anti-Millennial, aka those people who want to always be self-actualizing and are seen as lazy workers by their managers who refuse to put in their time and always want work-life balance. And so I worked against the grain in that way, making sacrifices left and right in an attempt to prove that I wasn't one of those people. However, this journey of "othering" was too extreme. I had pushed too far into the right/left.

The past two years have been filled with days of 3-hour commutes, multi-tasking and high productivity, extra curricular activities of all sorts including taking courses and participating in alumni matters, all the while managing some sort of a social life. It went into warp speed mode this year and if I ever thought I wasn't high energy, this year proved me wrong.

I felt as if I somehow owed it to the world to be as non-Millennial as possible and was therefore fine with a contract job with no benefits, much less pay than what I was supposed to be getting, working under a boss who constantly disrespected and mismanaged me, and using every form of public transportation possible (including walking) to get me to and fro.

When I hit burnout earlier this year, I realized that enough was enough. Just because we are young doesn't mean that we should up with commuting forever because it's too expensive to move out. We shouldn't be fine with paying out of pocket for dental and health visits and praying that we never get sick enough to warrant a visit to anything other than our family doctor who gives us free samples of medication because we don't have insurance. We shouldn't be paying with our health because the transit system fails us.

So I got myself onto another path. I bucked myths that I couldn't move into another field, that I couldn't make more money, that other places just wouldn't be good enough or have good coworkers. I did what I had to do: get out.

And so, as I write this, I'm about to start a new job after being called "the glue" that keeps my workplace together, I got myself a nice condo to stay in with my new raise, and I am proud that I am making headway into new territories.

We are constantly told we can't have it all. I'm not sure I have it all or will ever get it, but I'm pretty darn close. So as I write the end of the chapter in my life labelled "Quarter-life crisis/burnout" I sit in expectation for this new beginning and the great things that are lying in wait.

[gradschoolventures]

Our technology-enabled social lives

One of the things burnout has taught me is to determine the tempo at which my life is going. If “going too fast” leads me to burnout then I need to slow it down. I never used to take this test at all and instead I would hurry along with everything I had to do, hoping I’d find the end of my to-do list. 

Most of us live pretty full lives. The advent of technologies such as cell phones, apps, and social media have enabled our ability to increase our social circles and very quickly reach out to a mass number of people. We have the comfort of having six different conversations in our own home without having to spend time with each person.

And while I’m not going to go on a diatribe about the negative effects of technology, what I find pretty scary is how technology - or lack thereof - can easily quash our social lives. If our social lives become significantly larger because of technology, by turning off our cell phones or staying away from social media, we can essentially close ourselves off from friends and other relationships. In essence, technology draws some pretty hard and fast lines around our relationships because the second we unplug, we become quite remote. Think about the last time someone just dropped by to chat or borrow something? Goodness, when was the last time you picked up the phone to call them if it wasn’t a last resort or preceded by a text message? 

Technology almost assumes that we are all very busy and don’t like to be disturbed and our etiquette and behaviours exemplify this. In many ways this is true. I spent the majority of this year staring at a phone that never buzzed (well not as often anyway). Now, as I’m able to finally “incorporate” my social life into my real life, it’s now buzzing off the hook. 

The extremes scare me. And worst, I feel like I might be chasing this infinitely bigger social circle (which I am ever trying to expand) because maybe I’m just really scared of the silence, the black screen of my phone.

Now before you roll your eyes and tell me that I have a serious first world problem and that I should really spend some time alone, let me assure you that I am seeking a fine balance so that I can have meaningful relationships one-on-one while keeping the ones that live on my smart devices and hopefully coming in at a slower pace than what I am able to type. 

It's sad that the flood of social media/text messages is what I shut off when I’m really busy. I don’t think our lives should be patterned in such a manner. 

Life is going very fast right now, faster than I want it to. I just hope I can slow it down just enough to really drink in the moments that count, build new relationships, and strengthen the current ones. 

[gradschoolventures]

Living in Denial

I still remember the first time it was said to me, that dreaded piece of 'advice': "Don't live in denial." At the time, I asked a friend about what I should with this guy I was spending a lot of time with. I knew it was wrong and he knew it too because we couldn't be together for a host of reasons and yet we continued to spend time together - alone - and avoiding the inevitable conversation that would end up with "goodbye."

Since then I've had other friends tell me the same thing here and there and before you think that I live in what can only be so childishly described as la-la land, know that sometimes, most times, I am painfully aware of reality. I just choose the option that involves a little bit of a pause before reality actually begins.

I write this because recently I found myself living in denial again. The funny thing is, getting out of such a state requires incredible honesty. Thankfully - or not - it is one with yourself and sometimes that's included whole statements uttered out loud to acknowledge to myself and to the ether that I am indeed living in denial because of x, y, z.

I watched "The Fault in our Stars" yesterday in the movie theatre and while crying like a baby along with the rest of the audience and dabbing my eyes hoping my mascara wasn't running down my face (it didn't, thankfully), I realized that the main thing I admire most about Hazel Grace is that she doesn't live in denial. She is fully aware of her cancer, her collapsing lung, and what life is really about. She knows she cannot live forever and that she doesn't necessarily sit there thinking that she can. She understands it when her boyfriend explains his own health situation. She calls 911 anyway even though he doesn't want her to because that is what you're supposed to do for people even if they don't want you to. 

Living in denial is a defense mechanism that helps you cope with the otherwise really painful emotions and possible sadness that follows when you come to terms with whatever it is you're dealing with. You often feel like crap and so delaying it in whatever way possible appears to be a much better option most of the time. 

But I find that as much as that is the case, this way of living only creates memories for yourself that you would otherwise undo or limits you from embracing the things you could truly have. In many ways, it is almost like putting that cigarette in your mouth as Augustus does and lighting it and thinking that you cannot get cancer because you've already had it. 

Facing your fears is the hard part. Admitting whatever it is you want to deny is hard. But once over, once said and embraced, change can come in and do its business. And in that way we are freed. 

Thanks Hazel Grace.

[gradschoolventures]

The (Dark) Chocolate Diet

I never thought much about dark chocolate. I thought it tasted bad, wasn't really fun, and frankly, for old people. Give me my maltesers any day. But then I went to a trade show and dark chocolate was everywhere and my sister was really into it and wanted to buy some. 

I ended up having a lovely conversation with this lady who was representing this brand of chocolate that had really cool bars like mint or chili ones infused with maca or other antioxidants/energy ingredients. She was such a great teacher because she completely changed my mind about dark chocolate. So as I sampled her chocolate she told me the following things:

Dark chocolate was supposed to be eaten in small bits and sucked on, not chewed on. Typically with normal chocolate, you just eat it. But you were supposed to really suck on this stuff as if it wasn't even chocolate and let it melt in your mouth. 

Dark chocolate fills you up faster than regular chocolate so you feel more full after just one square. Makes the bar last longer incidentally. 

The bar with chili in it is a play on your taste buds because the sweetness comes first and then as the chocolate passes through your mouth, you taste the chili because your bitter taste buds are at the back of your mouth.

I totally bought 3 bars after that conversation. 

Then I read about the chocolate diet. It's a really interesting concept. Basically since sugar is addictive and frankly, just bad for you, weaning yourself off of sugar is really hard. So instead of just eating a ton of really bad things, the chocolate diet focuses on dark chocolate instead as a way to focus people on eating high quality sugar in small amounts and finding satisfaction in that. 

So I'm sort of incorporating that idea into my own life. I don't know if dark chocolate is always my go-to now, but I feel like I'm more likely to choose it among other choices. Who knows, I might end up becoming the really stereotypical serious old hippie endorsing dark chocolate. 

[gradschoolventures]

The Solution to Burnout and Betrayals

I've done a lot of thinking about burnout now that I find myself on the other side of it. I'm not quite through, but I'm getting there.

The 1,000 little decisions that you make that eventually catapult you into the really scary place called burnout, are always made because "you have to." In essence, these decisions focus solely on the limitations rather than opportunities or possibilities. Instead of finding creative solutions or alternatives to the problem, we go with the easy choice, or the only one we see right in front of us. And as the stress, tiredness, and pressure build and the days bleed into one another, the choices disappear. Our creativity and ability to see clearly, even the desire to defend ourselves from being burnt out, dissipate.

One of my sayings is "be open to the possibilities." I clearly wasn't open to any possibilities the last few months because it felt like I had none. It is exactly this feeling that causes one to burn out because you and your body are telling you one thing and you end up doing another. That is the betrayal.

The first thing that the solution to burnout demands is retreating. I wrote about that a little while ago. And most people end up retreating because they have to. It's really scary to suddenly have everything stand still and you're left with the mess that's left behind. And yes, burnout leaves a really ugly mess. For me, it was my health. I'm still working one day a week from home to deal with it and everyday I start the day with juicing and end it with exercises given to me by my physiotherapist. But retreating is integral to begin the process of sorting out everything that was left unattended for so long time.

I knew that I was on my way out from burnout when I woke up one day and I found myself being creative again. I'm not sure what that looks like for you but my creativity comes out in all sorts of ways: brainstorming ideas for a surprise wedding celebration I was planning, games, job options. And it sort of hit me: I was back. My creative juices returned and I felt like me again.

I brought my creativity back to my work. I stopped looking at the limitations and I started looking at the possibilities or ways to get what I needed and wanted. Earlier this year I was invited to a destination wedding. I thought I couldn't go because it was a bad time at work. But then I just asked my boss and he told me to go. It seems so simple but when you're heading towards burnout, even the idea of asking for something that would help you avoid betrayal is lost to you. 

I don't know what complete recovery from burnout looks like but I'm sure I'll get there. There are definitely times when I feel like the stress and busyness is creeping in but I am doing my best to keep all of that at bay. The sacrifice isn't one I want to make and the price is too high.

[gradschoolventures]

Retreating

It’s taken me a while to write this. I tend to like to write blog posts when I have some hindsight, something positive and uplifting to tell. It’s really hard to write when you’re still in the middle of it all.

I realized that burnout recovery is an incredibly emotional process. You see yourself differently (the whole “how come you didn’t see it coming?” or “why did you make those decisions” gambit) because of those little betrayals made soberly and consciously. 

I also found that I desperately needed to get away. Burnout is of course of a big wake up call, and typically the way to a solution is to retreat. 

As a verb, retreating is defined in two ways: 

Spiritually - taking time off to meditate and retreat

Militarily - a withdrawal

As a noun, a retreat is a place of refuge.

And so I found myself venturing a few hours east to another city and planting myself within the home of a 52-year old single family friend who was gracious enough to receive this burnt out girl who couldn't keep up with her and her 70-year old friend. 

I’m not going to lie, it took me two days to “calm down” from the crazy hectic pace of my regular life. And the entire week was all about talking through the day (literally) and seeing life through a completely different lens. It took a lot of mental adjustment to get to a place where I wasn’t judging the entire city and everything in it for not being the fast-paced, cold one I was so used to. I didn’t smile back when people passed me on the street smiling. I didn’t say hello or good morning, I kept on going. I walked faster than everybody else and wondered why everything was so small, less majestic…just less. 

But then I started talking to my friends and one by one, they showed me that their lives - their quality of life - were superior to mine. Quality of life isn’t about having a great job or house. It’s more than that. Having a good quality of life depends on the very things that connect those areas of our lives. It is the quality of relationships we have, even the ease of meeting new people. In some cities, it’s customary to bring new people to dinner parties. As much as I like to mix groups of friends, it never happens. 

It’s also the time spent getting to work and back home again. Commuting for me is a 3-hour daily trek across boundaries and breathing in recycled subway air. 

Or even that job that seems so permanent. Just because we’re young, it doesn’t mean that we have to always settle for contract employment. 

But that was my life. It reeked of a lower quality of life. I instinctively understood that these people in this smaller city, like my family friend, had it together. Even though I didn’t have any substantial reason to visit this city, the end result was a discovery of how unbelievably restricted my life was. 

I think that’s what ultimately quality of life is all about: choice. And my big city life is very constraining. But this doesn’t have to be my life. I need to make some substantial changes in my life but I am:

Removing barriers and living without inhibitions

Looking at what is possible instead of accepting what appear to be limitations

Examining what the causes of the problems are and making small shifts to lead to big changes

I'm on my way up and out. Changes and a new, better me await. I'm excited.

[gradschoolventures]

This is what burnout looks like

I've written about the quarterlife crisis and I don't necessarily believe in work-life balance, that our lives will always be somewhat out of sync and that’s okay.

But I think that all of these ideas and states of being are essentially matters of expectations. In economics, and business generally, expectations are more important than reality because expectations inform your reality. If your reality doesn't match your expectations, you’ve got a problem.

I’m a realist so lofty expectations are rare. You could say that this makes me a really hopeless person or one who is rarely enthused, but I tend to believe that my expectations meet my reality and hence, I am often happier with the results. And with my life.

Nonetheless, I am finding myself in a bind because less than two weeks ago, I woke up and I could not get out of bed. I was in a ton of pain and my leg was so inflamed that I could not move it. I was told that I strained my right hip and that full recovery will take 1-2 months. I’m glad that I can now walk and at least it gives people great joy that I now walk up and down stairs like a two year old.

See, this was not a result of some crazy stunt or fall. This was my body experiencing gradual decline to the point that it shut down. Well, the most I’ve experienced at least.

I thought that my mind would go first. That I would have some sort of mental breakdown. But no, I find that the mind often takes more time to find its way out of the door. Instead, the body breaks first.

This is what burnout looks like, ladies and gentlemen. And this is exactly where my expectations (that my brain would lose it first) became at odds with my reality (my body broke down). I just didn’t think that it would happen like this. And while I pride myself on being prepared for most situations, this was certainly not about being unprepared. Well, at least not entirely.

I’ve been reading a lot about burnout as of late because I’ve been working 80-hour weeks since the beginning of this year. You can’t do this for three months and expect that someone - or something - won’t pay.

Burnout is a relatively new subtopic of psychology and one of the pivotal studies came from Maslach who created her Maslach Burnout Inventory in 1981. She found that whenever we work: too much, in an unjust environment, without support, without agency/control, in service of values we loathe, or lack the sufficient reward, we can experience burnout.

So yes, I was overworked but for me, I was also feeling incredibly disrespected by our client and a lack of support from management. And the worse thing is, I clearly reaped no reward. My overtime was not acknowledged. I am not getting time off or money for my efforts. Worse yet was the fact that this report that I spent 3 months doing was just a complete waste of time. It wasn’t worth the time, energy, blood, sweat and tears that went into it. The sacrifices weren’t worth it.

Burnout is not just these types of work environments and situations as those who are young, childless, and single are more likely to experience them as a result. While our usual reasoning for this is because of overwork, much of it can be explained by the deep chasm that is created and left unfilled in our lives that causes burnout. Multiple studies have described these cleavages and 2 in particular stand out:

1. Expectation vs. reward 2. Effort vs. recovery

The second harkens to what Arianna Huffington famously touts, that sleep is of utmost importance and as we race towards achievement and productivity, we neglect sleep in the process, seeing the reverse of what we’re working so hard for. And of course, workplaces need to also recognize the importance of well-being. We simply do not rest enough to make up for the effort we put into our work.

The former is similar to the notion of expectation and reality. But it is also an issue of self-efficacy and as much as I hate hearing those words because it sounds like a whiny buzzword, it’s true. We need to do work that we feel called to or at least bring some sort of value. My burnout was partly due to the anti-climatic reckoning that my toil over this report just wasn’t worth it.

Preventing burnout is tough because as Gunderman, a doctor, writes in The Atlantic, “Burnout is the sum of hundreds and thousands of tiny betrayals of purpose, each one so minute that it hardly attracts notice.” Yet the sum is greater than all of these parts. These betrayals are exactly what leads us away from self-efficacy and towards anything but. It is selling your soul for at least 8 hours a day and realizing that there’s either no reward or that the reward is nowhere near what is commensurate with the effort.

And so I am slowly finding myself again. I need to change and this abrupt, scary-as-hell experience is a reminder that I have participated in a million betrayals: those invitation declines, late nights, saying yes to every work thing.

Spring is coming. I hope that I see and make change. I need it.

[gradschoolventures]

I have a mild obsession with Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, I used to really detest her. I thought she wasn't really that interesting. I didn't like her in most movies but for some reason, the little movie that no one ever saw, View From the Top, did it for me. I loved her in it. 

And so began my slowly but surely, love for Gwyneth. And of course, along with that comes watching her on Glee, reading her cookbook, doing Tracy Anderson (ever so often), and anticipating each week's Goop email. 

I found her dedication to her family amazing. She never travelled more than two weeks without going back home, which for a really busy celebrity is huge. She also only did one movie a year. And she showed the world, despite a lot of criticism against her, that she was actually just one of us. Well, I guess with a lot more money. 

But I admired her for her strong family values and for keeping her relationship with Chris Martin out of the public eye. 

So why is she the only one talked about as being unfaithful? 

I really dislike it when the man is pictured as some sort of angel while the woman is villainized. All I read about is how Chris wanted to save the marriage and she didn't and how she had all of these affairs.

Goodness.

Case in point: Kim Kardashian. Jennifer Aniston. Jessica Simpson.

Worse, these women's negative images are forever ingrained our psyches for the rest of their lives. We will always remember Jennifer Aniston as being the one who refused to have children. Jessica Simpson was too messy or "dumb." And we will definitely keep laughing at Kim's 72 day marriage.

Divorce is messy. Not everyone can separate like Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr. Or Olivia Wilde and Tao Raspuli. And that's okay.

But ultimately, I think we need to turn off our appetites for finding fault, especially in women. If anything, these celebrity divorces are reminders to us that we live busy lives and it is because they are too busy, too messy, and too large in scale that the basic requirements of what makes marriage work fall the sidelines and are sacrificed in the name of the celebrity rat race. 

I'm sure we'll find out what happened to Gwyneth and Chris in the coming days. But in the meantime, let's focus on more important things?

[gradschoolventures]

An Idiot's (or Super Beginner's) Guide to NCAA March Madness

So I finally participated in a team this year and put together my bracket. But I have to say, I was totally lost (and remains in the dark about a lot of things). And the Beginners' Guides on the Internet simply didn't help because they assumed a lot of things I didn't know.

As such, I've put together a list of 10 things you need to know about NCAA March Madness. (And for those who are fully informed, you are welcome to laugh along.)

1. The sport is basketball. NCAA also has football but it's not for March Madness.

2. The teams playing are students from state universities, not professionals but perhaps well on their way to the NBA or any other professional basketball association. 

3. A bracket is basically your prediction of which teams will win in each of of the games.

4. When putting together your bracket, you can do it any which way. However, if you really want to win (and/or look really smart), I would suggest that Arizona, Wichita State, Florida, and Virginia are listed as the final four because these are the best teams. So start with these guys.

5. Seed/seedings are basically the position of the teams. You'll notice that beside each team name is a number. These are not jersey numbers. They indicate the rank of the team (1=best and so forth). Hence #4 will tell you to select those best teams. 

6. If you're really confused about choosing, select the highest number of the two teams against each other, select based on mascot, or the states you've visited. Basically, have a strategy and choose accordingly.

7. The final score tie breaker is really just what the two teams score. The 10-year average is 140 and although the deviations are pretty significant, I would go with this one. And remember, it's basketball so the scores are almost always more than 50.

8. Don't bother figuring out the statistics of each team. The little ? icon beside each team does little to help. And they don't explain what all the numbers mean.

9. If you're gambling, don't bet more than you can afford to lose. And always remember to keep a bit of your dignity because sometimes the beginner wins and the veterans don't. (Oh wait, was I just talking about myself?) Preferably, you're not gambling but instead using something else as the prize (like free food!).

10. Have fun! Checking scores, watching games, and obsessively figuring out what the scores should only be done sporadically. Okay finally, download the app. 

There you have it folks! I hope you've enjoyed it. Honestly I didn't know most of this until this week and it's been a fun experience! And obviously this is an excellent guide because I'm currently in the lead for my team. 

Go team go!

[gradschoolventures]

40 minutes can change your life (aka you matter)

This photo is not an invitation to a 40 minute baby shower. While it is a beautiful piece of artwork, it is a marker of the life - and death - of a precious little girl, Luca Gold, who came into this world a few days ago at 11 AM and left it 40 minutes later.

Luca had a disease called Anencephaly and it affects 1 in every 5,000 births in the US. There are only a handful of children who live past a few years and most pass away within a few hours or days because the babies' skulls and brains stop developing in the womb. 

Luca's mother, Christa Black, is a lady I admire deeply. I've been following her online since her days on xanga. I read her book, shared it with the girls I mentor, and I love her music. She has come from a place of brokenness because of the sexual abuse that happened to her when she was young and is now nothing short of triumphant. Everything this girl does is miraculous. 

When I found out what happened to Christa on instagram and read about the situation on her blog, it reminded me of a good friend of mine. She was carrying twins and one of them stopped developing. Bailey Lynn died a few short hours after she was born. Thankfully her sister, one of my favourite children, survived.

I am thankful that both of these angelic children have names because it helps us remember and it gives them an identity. But more importantly, it is a reminder to us and a universal symbol to the world that these girls matter. That their lives, no matter how short, matter. 

These two girls already impact our lives and I know that they will continue to. They are not tragedies or sad stories, although it is undoubtedly so, because they remind us of so many great truths of life. 

I'm not sure what you take away from this. Maybe a lot of questions, maybe sadness. But I want to encourage you with this: if you're in a situation in your life that feels so big and/or you feel so small and you wonder whether things could get better, or if you even matter, know that you do. And that things will get better because if living on this earth for 40 minutes could mean so much to so many, can you imagine what your life means and the impact you have on others?

Thank you Luca Gold and Bailey Lynn for humbling us.

[gradschoolventures]

In honour of International Women's Day, I curated a playlist of some of the female artists that sing about being extraordinary, thinking good thoughts, overcoming challenges, new beginnings, and how no matter what, we are still a woman. And nothing can change that. 

Happy International Women's Day! Enjoy!