Hanging on
These last few days I finally have the time (or take the time), to realize that these last few months my life is changing rapidly. I know it all started much earlier. Looking back I see the key moments. But I feel the impact of the changes of this last period much more, as if everything is speeding up.
It started almost a year ago. My apartment had been for sale for quite some time, but not much had been happening. Until early May last year. Someone came to see my apartment and within 2 months I had moved out, my furniture was stored in a warehouse and I was staying with my sister. One month later I got the keys to my new place, in a different part of the country, moved my stuff and settled in. By the end of October, Tinky moved to her new home, about 15 minutes away from my place and I thought that now my life would get quieter, more relaxed, easier.
Think again! As I wrote in earlier blogs, my dad’s mental health got worse rapidly. I started to travel regularly to The Hague again, once or twice a week, over an hour trips. I think I’m quite a good driver, but it is really not my most favorite pastime, as I tend to get really sleepy behind the wheel and I have to watch myself carefully. I think that has to do with fatigue, but also with boredom. So, for me, those trips really feel like a big effort, which I make with love for my dad, but still! Then there are all the things that needed to be organised, applied for, people to talk to, forms to be filled in. In short, hectic times!
And then I have a horse that is entitled to my attention and care of course. And occasionally I need to work, look after my house, do some shopping, and I need me-time. This last thing I have been neglecting a lot lately. Since a few weeks I go to Tai-Chi classes and I love it. My teacher and classmates are lovely and being occupied with something totally different is good for me, it relaxes me, my body is getting some well deserved attention. And I have started meditating again. My spirits have been waiting patiently for me. And to my surprise a new spirit has come forward, gently teaching and guiding me in this new learning process I’m going through now.
Last week I took a close friend with me to see my dad. Afterwards I asked her what her thoughts and feelings were. I meant about my dad and the home he is staying in now. She was silent for a moment or two. Then she said that she admired me. I was surprised at first: Why should she admire me? But then it dawned on me that she meant to see my dad in this state of mind, the way he looks now, losing his grip on daily life. Her remark made me realize that I haven’t stopped yet to let it all sink in, feel it.
Why haven’t I? Because I feel I can’t cope with the feelings and emotions of seeing and accepting that my dad is so helpless, more and more becoming detached from our world as far as we can make out, incoherent thoughts, incoherent sentences, he sits in a wheelchair, lives more and more in the past and in a world, that isn’t ours. I know that in the earlier stages he felt overwhelming panic and fear. I think he is passed that now. But if I give in to my feelings, I know I will feel so lost. I realize I’m undermining my physical and mental health. I try to sleep as much as I can. And for now, that has to be enough.
