Astrid

[tinky-isabel]

Go with the flow

Life is changing. Ofcourse. And going with the flow should be the easiest way to deal with it. Should be ...

The not knowing where I'm going is the hard part. I like to have control, but I seldom do. I may have the illusion that I have, but I know by now I don't. Still, usually I'm content. I think of myself as pretty flexible and easygoing. Though, I know some people who might think differently! I guess it depends on if it concerns my work or private life.

In my work I'm an organizer; my assignments are usually about making things happen. For me, that means control! In my private life I try to be more relaxed. And as I'm getting older, I notice that things take more time, my body doesn't recover as quickly as it did some years ago. So when I'm tired, a short nap isn't enough anymore. I have to write down more things than I was used to. To name a few things ...

So, going with the flow is becoming much more important now. It is about accepting the course of my life, trusting that it is going in the right direction. But I think I'm also learning that navigating is a subtle way of adjusting my path where I want to stop for a while, or go a bit more to the left or the right or slow down or speed up.

I think of my lifepath as a river, and I'm on this big leaf, literally going with the flow. Sometimes I have to hold on tight, sometimes I can enjoy the view, sometimes I want to go ashore for a while, sometimes I want to navigate a bit more to the right or left, trying to avoid bumps or waterfalls, which by the way doesn't always work out!

At this point in my life, I reflect a bit more, reconsider what is important to me, make new goals in my life. I thought my life what slow down a bit as I'm getting older, as I see that happen when I look around me. For me though, I'm not sure ...

[tinky-isabel]

New start

I always thought that making a new start in life is a bit of nonsense. It's still the same life, the same person. You just have to keep on going. You can make different decisions, so you can change direction.

But a change in direction may be seen as a new start, I guess. Anyway, the loss of Tinky is definitely a change of direction. Though not a voluntary one! I have lost my tribe. I guess there will be a new tribe. My heart squeezes at the thought, because I want my old tribe back, here with me!

It is almost a year ago now and although I still miss her, I am aware that things are changing. I meet new people who are dear to me. Old people become closer friends. Things are changing in me, new outlook on life, old gifts are coming to life, until now undiscovered gifts are blossoming. And I can feel that some major changes are ahead for me.

I'm ready to embrace them! And I'm well aware that Tinky's passing opened this new road in my life. I'm very grateful, really, but still ...

[tinky-isabel]

Grieving and comforting

It has been quite some time since I blogged. I needed time to go through my process of accepting the passing of Tinky.

I still miss her a lot. And knowing that she is still around, just in a different way, doesn't always help! Then I feel the need to touch and hug her; lean against her, see her wise eyes and hear her sighs: 'there she goes again.'

Grieving is an ongoing process: with highs and lows, with acceptance and denial, with feeling her energy and longing for to come back to me. The other horses help me, as I try to help them. Mo showed me those first weeks so clearly that Tinky was present. And Pascal was there to give me comfort and attention.

And then someday the owner of the stable asked me if I could talk with Pascal. He seemed a bit under the weather. So I asked him what was the matter? He told me: I want to give comfort, but I also need comfort...

[tinky-isabel]

Guidance

Since Tinky passed away a few months ago, meditating has been difficult for me. Recently though I have made the effort to start again. So a few days ago, as I sank into my meditation, Tinky was there. And she looked strong, happy and at ease. She may have been like this for a while, but this time I could see and feel it. She put me on her back and flew away! Just as we have done many times during her lifetime! I felt happy, free, uplifted and I could feel our love, my connection to her and my soultribe. I truly felt happy for a long time again. It made me realize: I’m entering a new phase in my life.

Yesterday morning at the start of my meditation I realized I was standing at the edge of the forest I had left some time ago, but instead of looking forward, I was looking back! And that’s not what I wanted, so I turned around and saw this beautiful meadow, sunshine, blue sky. That’s what I wanted to see and where I should be going to, not going back! 

And then there was Tinky again. I told her about my new insight and  that I was ready to continue my path in life and I asked her if she wanted to walk with me for a while. Her response was that before I could continue my path I had to take one more hurdle. And suddenly I got mad, really mad! I have overcome so many hurdles already! I’ve had enough! No more obstacles! And I grumbled for a while. Tinky was quite stoic about my reaction, just waiting for me to fall silent, and then she smiled and said: “Ok, that was it!” I was dumbfounded, I didn’t understand immediately what she meant, but when I got it, I didn’t know if I had to be relieved or angry! But more importantly I suddenly realized that the new guide I have been asking for these last few weeks, was standing in front of me.

[tinky-isabel]

[tinky-isabel]

Grieving - Rouwen

We all have to deal with it, sooner or later. Letting go, saying goodbye, accepting what isn’t there anymore. A loved one, a job, a home - that what was and is no more. 

For me reality again, now Tinky is no more here. And I know, she is still present, but not here physically on earth. But in that other world, which is much more beautiful, no more physical discomfort and pain, a beautiful green meadow with red, yellow and white flowers, always good weather, where she hops, jumps, laughs and is happy. And we are still connected - in my dreams, meditations, when I walk around the stables. Often the other horses show me she is still there, by standing in her spot and looking intently at me, by coming to me and asking for my touch. When I’m coaching and feeling her presence.

It is comforting, but not the same as saying hello to her, cuddling her, feeding her pieces of bread and carrots, putting my arms around her and leaning against her, feeling eachother in our softness.

And of course I have regrets about things I’ve done or not done, said or haven’t said, things I’ve thought. I should have had more time, attention, patience. But I also know Tinky thinks this is all rubbish. When I shared my feelings with her, she rolled her eyes and sighed deeply: “Here she goes again!” I know everything went as it was supposed to. For her there is nothing to be forgiven. But for me - can I forgive myself for my shortcomings? Or should I just see it as a ‘lesson’ to be taken at heart next time? I can’t turn back time, only be more sensitive to myself and not be too hard on myself from now on. 

The most important thing though, is our connection, total love, nothing more, nothing less. When I think of her, I let it rain carrots for her. And then she laughs.

0-0-0-0-0

We hebben er allemaal mee te maken, vroeg of laat. Loslaten, afscheid nemen, accepteren dat wat er niet meer is. Een dierbare, je baan, je thuis, dat wat was en er niet meer is.

Voor mij weer heel actueel, nu Tinky er niet meer is. En ik weet, ze is er nog wel, maar niet meer hier, fysiek, op aarde. Maar nog wel in die andere wereld, die veel mooier is, waar ze geen last meer heeft van haar fysieke ongemakken, geen pijn meer voelt, waar ze loopt in een mooie groene weide met rode, gele en witte bloemetjes, altijd lekker weer, waar ze huppelt, springt, lacht en gelukkig is. En we hebben nog steeds contact - in mijn dromen, als ik mediteer, als ik op stal rondloop. Regelmatig laten de andere paarden me zien dat ze er nog is, door op haar plekje te gaan staan en me indringend aan te kijken, door naar me toe te komen en nadrukkelijk mijn aanraking te vragen. Als ik sta te coachen en haar voel.

Het troost me, maar het is niet hetzelfde als haar begroeten, met haar kroelen, broodjes en wortels voeren, mijn armen om haar heen slaan en tegen haar aan leunen en in onze zachtheid elkaar voelen.

En natuurlijk heb ik spijt van dingen die ik gedaan of niet gedaan, gezegd of gedacht of niet gezegd of gedacht heb. Vind ik dat ik meer tijd, aandacht, geduld had moeten hebben. Maar ik weet ook dat Tinky dat allemaal onzin vindt. Toen ik dat met haar deelde, rolde ze met haar ogen en zuchtte ze maar weer eens diep: “Heb je d’r weer!” Ik weet dat alles gegaan is, zoals het had moeten gaan. En dat er voor haar niks te vergeven is. Maar voor mezelf - kan ik mezelf mijn tekortkomingen vergeven? Of moet ik het maar zien als ‘les’, dat ik bij een volgend afscheid me ter harte moet nemen? Dat ik sensitiever kan zijn voor degene die ik los ga laten, maar ook voor mezelf? Ik kan de tijd niet terugdraaien, alleen maar lief zijn voor mezelf en niet te hard.

Het belangrijkste is echter onze verbinding, totale liefde, niets meer, niets minder. Als ik aan haar denk, laat ik het even worteltjes regenen voor haar. Dan lacht ze.

[tinky-isabel]

Now what?

And then I saw opposite the waterfall a huge rocky wall, and little houses were built against it. They were ‘hanging’ on the wall, a bit shabby, and people were obviously living in them. And I could feel they were unhappy, quarreling. It made me anxious: do I have to go there? Is that my path? Again? It would also mean I had to go down - again. It would be a deep fall. I felt reluctant. 

But then I looked up! The sky was blue and sunny. And I could see over the rocky wall it was a smooth surface. And off the coast there were these little islands, floating in the air. And in the distance I could see this big island and I could feel that was my destination. That’s where I’going! And it felt so good! 

But in the mean time, I had to make a choice ... The hard way, meaning going down to help people who need help. Or the easier way that would make me happy. It felt like having to choose between others and myself. It took me quite a while, going down a bit, coming up again. Do I do what I feel I ‘must’ do? Or do I choose my own happiness? It may seem silly, but it was a difficult choice.

And then it dawned on me: I’m not selfish for choosing myself. I’m important too. I’m entitled to be happy. And what may seem easy, may turn out not being so easy. I don’t know yet! I flew straight to the other side, to the coast on my way to the first floating island. 

[tinky-isabel]

Surfing through life

Lately during my meditations, I was surfing on this huge river at tremendous speed. It all started a few weeks before Tinky passed away, I realised a few days ago. At first I was near this very high waterfall and I had to decide what direction I wanted to go. I decided to follow the stream, turned right and I was on this very wide river. By that time Tinky had passed away. 

I was apparently on some surfboard and I could feel Tinky’s presence. As if she looked over my shoulder. And in the background I felt other ‘people’, souls, cheering me on. I surfed faster and faster and I loved it! I didn’t touch the water anymore, I flew over the water! And I love flying! It didn’t scare me one bit. After a while I started wondering: was this the intention? And I slowed down. I had time to look around. There were so many people, behind me, on the shore left and right - all cheering me on. And Tinky was still there too.  It was a huge river.

But I could also see that I was heading for a waterfall. The water just seem to stop flowing forward, but just fell into this depth of ‘nothing’...

[tinky-isabel]

Don't forget to enjoy life!

[tinky-isabel]

No more tribe

I have always felt that my cat, BFF and Tinky were my tribe. My anchor in this life. Our connection was so special. I felt at home with them, at ease, did not have to be wary. I felt free to be myself. And when my cat died, some ten years ago now, I had heartache, but that first night he stayed with me. He slept by my side, like he always did. It was comforting. And the first months after his departure, he would occasionally ‘drop in’. It helped me cope and adjust.

When my BFF passed away a few years later, it took me a long time to accept, adjust and learn to live with it. The pain was unbearable sometimes. And there are not many people who understood how painful the process was. But I did get through it somehow. It was a major step in my own development as a human. She is still around, watching over me. And I need that. If it wasn’t for her, I would have gone through major physical distress and sometimes she still gives me the proverbial kick under my ass!

I also quickly realised that of my tribe, only Tinky was left, my horse, guide, companion, comfort. We have been together for over 24 years. After my BFF was gone, she started to have some discomfort due to age. And occasionally I would ask her to stay with me for a very long time to come because I wouldn’t be able to cope. And then about a year ago, she told me her time was up. She was so tired! I was in shock. But then something changed apparently. She would stay a bit longer, if I would stop stalling myself and go through the process, she told me. I didn’t quite understand, but I must have done something right as she didn’t leave me then. She also told me someday it would be her time, and she would choose it herself and just leave.

About two weeks ago, she left. And now there is no more tribe for me. I feel lost. Ofcourse they are still there by my side, loving, guiding, watching over me. And I’m grateful. But I miss their physical presence: the huging, talking, just being together doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company. I also know that this missing will find its place in my life, somewhere in my heart. My tribe hasn’t really left me, they are just in some other place. And there are still loving me and helping me. It is just different. 

[tinky-isabel]

In memoriam

Tinky has left me. She has decided that her time on Earth was up. 

She had been wrestling with her annual allergy. Every year when the season changed from winter to summer, she started coughing and had a puppy. I would give her a herbal remedy and all would be well again.

This time it didn’t work. It got worse: breathing problems, she hardly ate and she closed herself off from the world. I got really worried. The vet came round twice, gave her strong medicine. But it didn’t help or ease her pain. And then, last thursday after the vet had come again and given her some boosters, I went home, worried and tired. I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up with a start, it was 4 pm.

Within the hour I got the call: They had found Tinky, dead... When I got there, I found her in the middle of the paddock. She was still warm. Apparently she had walked from her place behind the stables to the paddock, laid down and took her last breath.

My heart aches. We have been together for more than 24 years. We have been through a lot together. She was my teacher, comfort, she gave me structure and order when I had none during a very difficult and painful period in our lives. She was my anchor. 

I miss her, but I also know this will change. It won’t go away, but it will get its place in my life, my body, my heart. It takes time.

Tinky RIP May 25 2023

[tinky-isabel]

Turmoil

Does it stimulate? Not me, it confuses me. And I want to hide. 

Some work to do, I guess. 

[tinky-isabel]

Next step

It is time to take stock. And in a way, I fear it. If I want change, it is time to accept what is. How do I do this? I sit down quietly, with a nice cup of coffee or tea. It is a sort of variation on meditating for me. I try to be as neutral as possible, no evaluation, no judgment, no emotions - just the bare facts. What I feel in my body, where my thoughts lead me - it is ok. Goal is to get clarity and acceptance. The idea behind my process is that for change (the ones I want to make), I need to know and accept what is. 

The wonderful thing is, that if I get it, quite often this triggers something which makes change a natural course of action. It sort of feels as if the Universe was waiting for me to understand, so the next step can be made.

But sometimes the process feels somewhat different. Then the next step is not a natural change, but a choice to be made by me. And that can be hard. Quite often it is a choice between head or heart? Being bold or cautious? Being straightforward or diplomatic? Guts or chicken? 

And I’m in this process right now. I know I’m in a situation that will probably do me no good in the end. Do I end it now, or will I let it wither away? To end it now, I will need to step up. If I choose the other option, it will cost me energy. I dread choosing. I soothe myself by thinking I still have time, that knowing and understanding the situation is helping me to do or not do the best thing. I’m chicken, I know. Getting out of this situation now won’t be easy. It means I’ll have to be brutally honest about my feelings and expectations. And I expect disbelief, anger, denial. I’m not good at that kind of conversation. 

The alternative is sitting it out, which will cost me irritation, frustration, and heaps of energy over a longer period of time. And the end result may very well be the same: loss of a friendship. Because that’s what I’m talking about.

On the other hand, what if it is a learning process on recognizing, letting go, patience, giving space? I know, I’m looking for excuses. It’s part of my process. The fact that I’m aware of the situation is already a huge step though! I’m one of those people who is always doing the majority of the work that needs to be done, while the other members of the team sit back and let me run around. And then take the credit while I’m exhausted and on the verge of a breakdown. I don’t want that anymore. I’m not clear though on how to change the situation. Looking for confrontation is not my style. 

Maybe my next step should be asking for guidance. I still have time …

[tinky-isabel]

Which lane?

It is different now. And I don’t quite understand. I noticed that my guide - Eagle - had left. And that this Gull was apparently my new guide. The weird thing is, I didn’t really feel connected to her, like to all my previous guides. She was very sweet and loving, but I did not feel as if she was ‘guiding’ me. I also felt ‘tall’, which is weird too, as I’m not in real life. As I was going through some phase of ‘cleansing’,  at first I didn’t pay much attention though. 

When I was through this and we met during my meditations, I started wondering. And one day when I connected with her, she was crying! When I asked why, I didn’t get a real answer. We talked about life etc and then suddenly she transformed into this beautiful white dove and I was amazed! I can still feel it, telling you about it. But what did it mean? I’m still not sure. Did she do this for me? Was it part of her own process, I helped her with? Is that why I didn’t feel this connection and it felt as if our bond was not entirely the same as I had previously felt with my guides?

In the meantime, I still feel as if I’m without a guide. So in my latest meditation, I called out for Eagle. And he came, soothing, loving, attentive. He would always be there if I asked or needed him, he reassured me. But I could also feel that he had gone on to do other things. 

And then it dawned on me that recently I had made this guided meditation for my group to meet their guide. So, I thought it would be good for me to do this meditation for myself. And the really weird thing is, I saw several souls changing in front of me quickly, as in a movie on fast forward. But none of them stepped forward and connected with me. Although it didn’t scare me, it is definitely strange! 

And then I saw this post on Instagram: Somebody explained that we all live as if we drive on a highway, each and everyone of us on our own highway. That is the road our soul decided on and it leads  to our life purpose. With our free will we can choose in which lane of our highway we want to drive. And our surroundings are influencing our choice (like speed, detours, changing lanes, traffic lights, traffic jams, etc ). I feel as if my choice of lane is determining which guide will accompany me in this next phase. And apparently I still have to make this decision.

On the one hand I feel some relief: I understand. On the other hand I feel pressure: I need to make this decision.  So I asked for guidance by using the tarot cards: Whatever choice I make, it is alright, but indeed I don’t know him (or her) just yet. But no worries: I will real soon.

[tinky-isabel]

Taking my own advice

Like many people, it is difficult for me to set boundaries and then stick to them. I mean, if I can’t stick to my own boundaries, how can I expect others to do the same? In my work usually I’m the one who runs around, organizes, takes care of things, people, issues, working very hard to get things done, stick to deadlines, put in the hours, effort and energy. And most of my coworkers relax, occasionally put in a word, some effort, sit back and watch me do my stuff. 

And I’ve loved working this way for many, many years! I always had (and to be fair still have) this idea that I know best, do best what needs to be done. And doing it myself was so much faster than first explaining, being patient to let the other person do it his own way, and then having to do it all over (which wasn’t always the case by the way - but still). Furthermore as interim office manager I worked on projects like startups, reorganisational issues, quality improvement etc. It was my assignment and therefore responsibility that things worked out. That’s how I justified my hard work, lack of sleep and energy, being busy and having no time for a social life when I was on the job.

And on my adventures in working for myself, I’ve always been a bit surprised that there were always people who wanted to join in. A bit naïve? I like sharing my thoughts on starting new projects and the discussions. I need the feedback, emotional support. But going from theory to making it actually reality, is something else! 

Now, many years later, I can’t keep on doing it like this. I’m getting older, my energy levels are much lower and I'm tired of people who piggyback on my commitment. But I’m also aware that it starts with myself, honoring my own needs and wishes and therefore my boundaries.

The crazy (or maybe not so crazy) thing is, I recognize this problem in other people and I give them advice on how to deal with it. Entire coaching sessions are dedicated to the subject! So, it is time I start listening to myself, like being clear from the start who does what and is responsible for it. And if necessary (which breaks my heart!) letting things go wrong.

[tinky-isabel]

Griefing

A few days ago it was the birthday of my best friend and soulmate, a moment to reflect for me on her passing, almost eight years ago now. It was a life changing experience. Although it is quite some years ago now and life has moved on and much has happened, I still miss her. And I guess that will never change or get better: I have learned to live with it. Grief is an ongoing process for me. And I have always been quite open about it, which hasn’t always been easy. Some people think or feel that after a period of a few months, you should move on, meaning stop talking about it at least, don’t feel the pain, get over it. 

But it doesn’t work like that! I know now, I never will. Shortly after her passing, I had this dream. I was standing in the hallway of an apartment building. It was a bit dark, staircase, mailboxes. And I had this key ring with many keys on it in my hand. One key was broken, so I moved it to another place at my key ring. And I knew it would be safe there, I wouldn’t lose it. And I felt good about it. When I woke up, I understood. 

I have spent many hours driving in my car, crying. Sometimes I wonder what passers-by must have been thinking if they would look at me. And occasionally I still feel the pain, watching a tv show that we used to watch together, when the first snowdrops appear, when I don’t quite remember anymore how or why something happened and I can’t call her to ask her. The pain is less, more bearable, but not gone. And I can smile, thinking of the good memories, and talk about them lovingly with some sweet friends. Knowing that she watches over me, sees what is happening in my life, is comforting. 

I have had many dreams and meditations in which she was with me, showing me things that were going to happen but that I was safe. She was there to protect me. And indeed these things happened and I didn’t get hurt real bad (which could easily have happened!). She was there to comfort me, we even touched and hugged each other. These dreams and meditations comfort me and helped me to come to terms with her passing. And even though she is a bit further away now, I know that if I need her, she is still there, just differently.

[tinky-isabel]

New phase of life

I think I already mentioned before that life is changing. Not only for me by the way, but that is another story! Anyway, I had already noticed that my guide Eagle was more at a distance and then one day, he was gone! I still felt him, but he wasn’t around, so to speak. When I called him, he did answer though. He was far in the distance, beyond the point that I could see. When I asked him where he was and why, he answered that he was preparing things for the moment I would arrive there. Strangely enough I just knew that my best friend was there too. And if I would ever need them, they would come (which has happened by the way, as I previously told you about too). Though I was a bit sad, it did feel ok.

So, I was all by myself at this point. Looking back I could see the last part of my journey until then: a cornfield, with high stalks and I remembered the long road I have walked: over mountains, through rivers, the dark places where I’ve been, the beautiful green fields, the forest path in the shade of trees - the guides that have accompanied me, many, always loving, few words needed, walking, flying, sitting in silence. And then I became aware of this seagull by my side. She was there since a little while, I had seen her but given little thought. To be frank, seagulls always frightened me a bit. I feel they are a bit dismissive, have penetrating eyes and a sharp beak. But now it dawned on me that she was there on purpose, for me. I asked her if she was my new guide: Yes, she was. And she smiled. Such a sweet smile! And when I looked into her eyes, so soft and gentle! I needed to process this: Why her? Could I bond with her like I do with Eagle and many others? 

I looked up what the meaning of seagulls is: Freedom! It really hit me - flying and freedom. The two things that make me so happy, just thinking of it makes me feel it. Also what bonds me with Eagle. But what is the difference then, I wondered? And while Eagle is male, Seagull is female. What does it mean? I’m still processing it, but in the meantime she has (literally) taken me under her wings. 

Many things are becoming clear now, and I know much more is to come. I have started on a different part of my life path. I feel confident, in myself, my life purpose, my life path, Seagull.