Hi lost :) I hope you are doing okay, like always I'd like to compliment you and your incredible writing! I can't wait to read more of orbital.
But I'm sending this asking your thoughts. I tapped out of snk when erwin died and only now really getting back into it. I read your fic the permanence of the young men (and sobbed myself to sleep) I know a little of erens actions and attitude.
But if erwin were alive, do you think it would have gone differently? Do you think erwin could sway the scales of outcomes to something else? How do you think levi and erwins relationship would change after laying everything bare?
Then we need to consider if he became a titan or if he just was a soldier who survived?
I know we will never truly know, but I just have the question burning in me and no one to talk to!
I really love reading your meta and analysis and I apologise if you have answered all this before. If you have and are able to please send me a link.
Hi @generic-fandom-name, thank you! I hope you enjoy Orbital if you get a chance to read it and I'm sorry I made you cry with The Permanence of the Young Men. Anyway, on to your ask...
I've answered a couple of similar asks in the past, which you can find here:
Can you paint me a beautiful picture of the snk world where Erwin had survived?
WWED - What Would Erwin Do?
In short, I'm not sure even Erwin could have stopped Eren, given how hellbent he was on unleashing the rumbling, however I do think that Erwin would have stood a better chance of reaching a diplomatic solution to the endless wars and of forming an international alliance to counteract Eren's genocide. I also think that he would have understood the threat posed by the Jeagerists and their poisonous ideology and would have done everything possible to prevent them from seizing power. I don't think that Erwin would have trusted Zeke or the Marley deserters, and he certainly wouldn't have fallen for the tainted wine plot.
If Erwin had survived as a Titan, I suspect he'd have carried a huge weight of guilt and I think he'd have felt that he owed it to Armin, and indeed to Humanity, to carry on fighting with every last ounce of strength and shred of sanity. Lots of fic writers have explored the aftermath and repercussions of Erwin becoming a Titan, you can find some of those fics here: Titan Erwin fic recs.
I don't think any of the above would have changed Erwin and Levi's relationship substantially. I think that in his darker moments Erwin would still struggle with guilt and feel he was unworthy of love, but Levi would still be there to support him. Levi chose to follow Erwin after all and not even death could break that commitment.
One last link I'll share is a fic I wrote where the tables are turned; Levi dies while Erwin lives and continues fighting for Humanity.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Characters: Levi Ackerman, Erwin Smith
Additional Tags: eruri - Freeform, Eruri Week 2017, Titanwin, Canon Divergence, titan!erwin, Angst
Summary:
It was the biggest decision Levi had to make.
~*~*~*~
Reuploaded after orphaning...originally from Eruri Week 2017.
Everyone always draws and TitanWin with hair, but every Colossal Titan we've seen so far has been bald, so Erwin probably would be too. And I get it, people want to keep his signature hairstyle but I think we're forgetting another significant part of him.
Imagine instead a colossal Titan Erwin with his massive eyebrows
Concepts of Erwin as each of the nine Titan Shifters. (because theoretically he could have been any of them if the story was radically (or not so radically) different).
Colossal*:
Armored:
Attack/Rogue*:
Jaw:
Beast:
"Female"*:
War Hammer:
Cart (I'm so sorry):
(it's ok Levi I hate it too)
Founding*:
Some notes on these Titanwin designs:
Colossal: for Colossal Titanwin I was thinking of what Erwin is like as a leader. As the Colossus Titan, Erwin's facial features are half formed: no bottom lip, no bottom eye lid. Not only this the lids are translucent so essentially he can't ever shut his eyes in his Titan form. Basically Erwin can never rest because now possessing the Colossal Titan, he has a constant responsibility even more so than just being the commander of the Survey Corps. Therefore: half formed face that never allows to him to rest or turn a blind eye.
Attack/Rogue: I just based Erwin's design on Eren's Attack Titan design bc the teeth are my fave and I think they work for Erwin.
"Female": B i g b a r a t i d d i e s.
Also Female Titanwin makes literally everyone question their sexuality.
Founding: I know Erwin isn't of royal blood and only royals have the God Eyes™ but it's the only notable feature of the founding Titan and also Erwin with those eyes is too irresistible not to draw.
For the anon who I’ve named “apricot anon”. Here’s a Titan!win for you.
******
Levi pressed the needle against the skin of Erwin's arm.
They were all slaves to something, Levi remembered. Even him.
Erwin pulled his arm away, raised his hand high above his head, even opened his eyes a bit. Levi's lips parted, and Erwin spoke.
“Teacher... how find out... don't exist?” Erwin murmured.
“Erwin?!”
There was no response. Levi knew that Erwin was experiencing flash backs of final memories, and he wished he knew what Erwin was hallucinating.
Levi thought of Erwin smiling at him, thanking him for permission to give up on the dream, permission to die as an honorable man. And Levi wanted to give that to him. He didn't want Erwin to come back to be their demon. Erwin deserved to rest. It was time for him to go to the place where he belonged, beyond the walls, beyond the world of war. He looked over at Armin's body on the roof, torched and tiny.
Levi grabbed Erwin's wrist, pulled Erwin's arm back to him, held Erwin's hand, with the ruined fingernails, against his chest. He squeezed Erwin's bicep hard enough that the veins in the crook of his arm would show themselves. Erwin was dehydrated, and Levi knew if he missed the vein, it would be wasted.
“I'm a slave to something,” Levi whispered. He pushed the needle against Erwin's skin, saw the minuscule tear on the surface of Erwin's skin. “Come back for a while.” Levi pressed the needle into Erwin's vein, waited until he saw the reluctant blood fill the bottom of the syringe. Levi's eyes felt dry, but they started watering anyway. “And next time, I'll go with you.” Levi pressed the plunger down, felt it bottom out, but he continued to press, just to assure himself that he had actually done it.
Levi watched Erwin's face, borderline lifeless. And he counted. He counted until the numbers ran together, and he only heard a hum in his head.
Erwin opened his eyes, took a gasp of air, began hyperventilating, and Levi took the syringe out of his arm. He dropped Erwin's hand, stood and threw the empty syringe off of the roof. Erwin's breathing was harder, faster, and Levi turned away. He walked towards Armin.
When he reached Armin's withered body, he knelt down, collected the boy in his arms, and stood up straight. Erwin screamed, and Levi didn't turn to look at what was happening to him. He shot his anchors to the roof where Hange was sitting and propelled towards it, holding Armin close to him. The boy in his arms was warm, still breathing, and suffering.
Levi landed on the other roof, and he turned in time to watch Erwin writhing on the roof, arching his back at an impossible angle before he was smothered in muscle and tissue that grew around him. Levi watched while the Titan form slid off the edge of the roof, and the legs grew, feet touching the ground.
The mindless Titan, with simple features of Erwin's face and his hair, moved towards the roof, towards Bertolt's body. Bertolt woke up, screamed for help. He couldn't hear Bertolt's words, but screaming betrayal has a certain pitch, and Levi could hear every syllable of that. He watched while Erwin bit Bertolt in half, and ripped him open, swallowing each half whole. Eren was screaming on the other roof, and the younger soldiers were holding him down.
Erwin's Titan body convulsed once before it began steaming, shrinking, disappearing behind the building. Levi held Armin's body out to Hange, and she took him in her arms gently. She leaned down, turning her ear towards Armin's mouth.
“He's dead,” Hange whispered. She looked towards Levi, her only eye painfully devoid of emotion. Levi nodded and propelled away from the roof towards Erwin.
He passed Eren, who continued to scream and curse him, and he landed on the roof of the building that was stained with Bertolt's blood. Levi lowered himself to the ground, where he saw Erwin unconscious in the dirt.
When his boots touched the earth, Levi looked at both of Erwin's arms. The rag which had been wrapped around Erwin's body was gone, but his clothes remained. Levi picked Erwin up, carefully shot his anchors towards the roof, and rose up from the ground. He laid Erwin down on the roof and sat next to him, waiting for when he would wake up. Levi held his hand over Erwin's nose and mouth, feeling of Erwin's breath against his skin.
Levi watched while Hange gave Armin's body to Eren and Mikasa. He didn't take his eyes away from the scene of the two children grieving for their friend. But he didn't feel anything except for the gentle puffs of air against his hand.
******
Erwin opened his eyes, saw the sky above him, and blinked rapidly a few times. The sunlight was bright, and he didn't feel any pain. If there wasn't any pain, he was either dead or very close to it. But he felt something soft under him, a pillow under his head, and then he knew that he was dead. He had died in the field. Erwin sat up, feeling his phantom right arm, and he looked towards his stump to-
He had an arm again. Erwin's eyebrows pulled together, and his lips parted. Erwin reached over to his right arm with his left hand. He felt of the skin, the returned muscle. The arm was real, maybe. He lifted his right hand from under the blankets and flexed it. Perfect condition.
His eyes darted beyond his arm. Erwin looked around. He was on a pallet, on top of the Wall of Shinganshina. And he had his arm again.
The realization of what happened came to him so quickly that he lost his breath. His vision was blurry, and he had to fully focus on taking in oxygen. Erwin closed his eyes, breathed, and opened them again when his head stopped swimming.
Erwin lifted his gaze, saw Levi sitting close by, his eyes focused on nothing.
“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi looked towards him, exhausted and lacking the typical fire in his gray eyes.
“So you're up,” Levi said, standing. Erwin watched Levi drag his feet, moving closer. Levi stood over him.
“You gave me the serum,” Erwin said. Levi didn't respond, just stared at the right arm for a moment. Then, Levi pulled his flare gun from his belt. He lifted the gun above his head and fired.
Erwin stared up at Levi, feeling lost in the moment. When Levi lowered his arm and put the gun away, Erwin opened his mouth to say something and thought of nothing. He chose to look away instead.
Erwin looked to his right, saw Sasha resting next to him with a bandage wrapped around her head. A meter away from Sasha, Eren was hogtied and gagged, writhing against his restraints, cursing against the gag, drool running down his chin. Mikasa sat next to him, with a wrapped body stretched out next to her. Erwin knew who was in burial cloth. He winced, and his eyes returned to Eren. Eren's face was flushed, his hair slicked against his skull with sweat. Erwin had seen many desperate people in his life. He knew that Eren would be one of the most memorable ones.
Levi knelt down next to Erwin and waited. Erwin looked at him.
“Levi,” Erwin said.
“Wait,” Levi said.
Levi stood when the other soldiers joined them, including Hange. Erwin's eyebrows pulled together with concern when he saw the bandage over Hange's eye. She walked over to him, seemed stunned and then relieved.
“Welcome back,” Hange said.
“Are there any more survivors?” Erwin asked.
“No,” Hange said. “We're the only ones.” Erwin looked around, counted nine if he included himself. “We haven't been to the basement yet.” Hange took the key that Eren wore around his neck out of her pocket. She offered it to Erwin.
Erwin reached out and took the key. He looked towards Eren, who was screaming against the gag in his mouth. Mikasa ran her hand through Eren's wet hair.
“Who did I consume?” Erwin asked. Hange swallowed.
“Bertholt,” she said. Erwin looked up at Levi, who had crossed his arms over his chest.
“The Beast Titan will have to wait,” Levi said. Erwin nodded and looked down at the key in his hand. He closed his hand around it.
“Why is Eren restrained?” Erwin asked.
“He and Mikasa assaulted Levi, and he has made threats against you,” Hange said.
“How long have I slept?”
“Four hours,” Hange said. Erwin nodded.
Erwin leaned forward to support himself while he stood. Hange helped him by holding onto his left arm, but Levi didn't offer any assistance.
When he stood upright, Erwin tried to take a step. His stiff muscles complained. But he needed to talk to Eren.
Erwin walked around Sasha, looked at every soldier as he passed. Most of them wouldn't look at him. Closer to Eren, Erwin could see that the boy had tears running down his face. Mikasa's eyes were on Erwin, a shade darker than they had been earlier. She looked nervous and angry.
Erwin knelt down in front of Eren, put his finger under Eren's gag and pulled it away from Eren's mouth. Eren inhaled, coughed, snot running out of his nose.
“Armin is dead because of you!” Eren screamed.
“I know,” Erwin said.
“Armin should have gotten the serum! We only got this far because of him!” Eren screamed, his voice becoming hoarse towards the end. Erwin knew there was nothing he could say. There was nothing he could say or do to atone for the sins he had committed. But humanity still needed Eren. If he couldn't convince Eren to stay in the Corps, then humanity would die.
“It's time to make a choice,” Erwin said. Eren sneered. “Do you want to go to the basement and see what your father has left for you?” Erwin held the basement key out in front of Eren. “This is rightfully yours.” He set the key down in front of Eren's face. “If you choose not to go, then no one will go.”
Eren stared at the key, caught his breath while he thought. Erwin hoped that Eren would choose to go. He wanted to know what was in that basement more than anything. Erwin was ashamed that the dream hadn't died on the battlefield. But he still felt the desire, the burning mystery, the need to know the truth. Eren lowered his head to the wall.
“You want to see what's in the basement, don't you,” Eren said.
“Yes,” Erwin said.
“You can't come with us,” Eren said. Erwin's throat went dry.
“Agreed,” he said. “Levi and Hange will have to accompany you.”
“Fine,” Eren said.
Erwin stood from his position.
“What will you do?” Hange asked.
“The rest of us are going home,” Erwin said, looking to Sasha. When he looked at the other soldiers, they still avoided meeting his gaze, except for Eren.
“Are you even able ride a horse?” Hange asked.
“I'm fine,” Erwin said looking at Hange again. “I expect a report.” Hange nodded. When he looked at Levi, Levi looked away.
******
Erwin waited in his office for Levi to return from imprisoning Eren and Mikasa. While he didn't want to punish them, especially after they had already been punished so severely, he was concerned about Eren becoming enraged again and fleeing or using his Titan form.
He lifted his right hand and flexed it in front of his face, still fascinated by the regenerated limb. The fingernails were perfect, in complete contrast to the fingernails on his left hand. Even though Levi had been helping him with caring for his nails after he lost his arm, Erwin still found a way to ruin them, chewing on them, breaking them. Erwin put his hand down and looked out the window. He had been prepared to never see another sunset. But he was lounging in his office chair, with a strange magical power at his disposal, and no understanding of how it should be used. Or why he deserved to have it.
The office door opened, and Erwin looked towards it. Levi walked into the room, closing the door behind him quietly. He crossed the room, moving in a way that looked unnatural.
“Are you injured?” Erwin asked. Levi shook his head. He stood in front of Erwin's desk and crossed his arms.
“Are you ready to hear about the basement?” Levi asked. Erwin wanted to answer immediately, but he waited, staring at Levi.
“It can wait until tomorrow if you're tired.”
“You were willing to sacrifice everything for it, and now you can wait to hear about it?” Levi asked. Erwin leaned forward in his chair, turned to face the desk fully, and leaned forward resting his weight on both of his arms, lacing his fingers together.
“I'm ready to hear about it now,” Erwin said.
Erwin listened carefully while Levi described the details. He felt concerned when he found out that Eren's key didn't open the basement door, but he wasn't surprised to know Levi had broken it down. He could physically feel his hearing improve when Levi said that Eren's key opened a drawer in a desk within the basement. Levi described everything that they read, and Erwin began putting pieces together. At first, he struggled with the idea that they were on an island. Somehow, that thought had never occurred to him. He knew that they were isolated, but he didn't know that they were cut off from the entire world by an ocean. But he knew the identity of the Beast Titan. He knew the secrets of their world. And his father had been right. His father hadn't died for a lie. The people of walls had been purposely oppressed, and all of their memories had been removed. The truth of the world was finally revealed.
“Hange has the books. You can go get them,” Levi said. “You'll die in thirteen years.” Erwin swallowed sympathetically, because Levi sounded like he had something stuck in his throat once he said the last sentence.
“Because of the serum?”
“Yes,” Levi said. Erwin nodded. The expiration date didn't affect him. Many things could be accomplished in thirteen years. If he was not able to meet the goals himself, then he would have plenty of time to delegate to someone else.
Strategies began playing in his mind, and the end of the war seemed closer than ever. First, they would have to rebuild the Survey Corps. That might not be so difficult when they spread the information that they had gained. With Historia on the throne, it wouldn't be difficult to gain the approval of the government. If they could annihilate the rest of the Titans on the island, it wouldn't be difficult to fortify the walls for war. They could save their world, their small island.
Even though so many things seemed much simpler, Levi still wouldn't look at him directly. Erwin stared at him, torn by the feeling that he had somehow wronged Levi. Levi was looking at the wooden floor, maybe inspecting it, perhaps pretending to be concerned about cleaning.
“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi didn't look at him. A chill ran up Erwin's spine. Even if he replenished the Corps, it was nothing without Levi. And unless he found a way to make some sort of amends, Eren would leave too. Mikasa would go with him. Titan powers would mean nothing without Levi standing next to him. Panic began to bubble up in Erwin's stomach, and he had to maintain it. There was no reason to panic. But he couldn't find the words. Thanking Levi didn't seem appropriate. He had already thanked him for the freedom to die.
“What's the plan?” Levi asked, finally looking at him. Erwin watched Levi's face, looking for any signs that he could use to determine how Levi was feeling, what was going on inside of his mind. There was nothing to read. There was only the striking look of age. Levi looked older than Erwin remembered, and so tired.
“I have a few ideas,” Erwin said. “But I'd like to think about it some more before I start theorizing the next step that we need to take.” Levi nodded and turned to leave.
“Good night,” Levi said. He walked towards the door.
“Levi-”
“What?” Levi turned and looked at him.
“Would-” Erwin stopped. It had been so long since he asked. After he lost his arm, he couldn't cope with so many things. And his relationship with Levi changed. They stopped eating dinner together after expeditions. They didn't fall asleep together in the office. He didn't invite Levi to spend any private time with him. Erwin was so focused on trying to achieve his dream before he died that he lost focus on so many other important things. “Would you make a cup of tea for me?”
The silence blanketed the room so heavily that Erwin had trouble breathing. Obviously, the request had been stupid. It felt stupid. Levi had saved his life, and Erwin dared to ask for one more thing, after Levi had already given so much, too much.
“Not tonight. I'm tired,” Levi said before he opened the door and left the office.
Erwin leaned over the desk, lowered his head into his hands, closed his eyes to try and find the problem. But there was so many that he couldn't choose just one.
******
After the new information was given to the public, the Survey Corps began receiving new recruits instantly. The number of deaths during the battle with the Beast Titan wasn't taken into account. People wanted to be part of the military branch with the Commander who had Titan powers, the Commander who had cheated death. Erwin had to stop taking new recruits when they reached 400 soldiers. The current headquarters couldn't support more than that. They would have to build satellite bases to house more soldiers directly outside of Trost.
Eren changed once he was released from prison. He was more subdued. All of the boyish fury that he once had seemed to have burned away. Mikasa clung to him at first. But over time, she didn't follow him so closely anymore. Armin's absence had broken them apart, and Erwin silently shouldered the guilt for all of it.
The other soldiers, who became veterans overnight, were calmer. And Erwin promoted Jean, Sasha, Connie, and Floche to Squad Leaders. Each of them had their strengths. They leaned on each other during times of weakness.
Hange began focusing completely on Titan elimination. The methods that she used were effective, and she eventually proposed the idea that Marley had stopped sending Titans to the island. Erwin agreed. If they were too busy to send more prisoners, then that meant they were preparing for an actual war.
Levi slowly began to pull away from being involved with the other soldiers or Squad Leaders. Erwin didn't ask Levi to choose another squad, and Levi didn't offer to collect one. He spent so much time out of sight that he became more legendary than he was originally. Erwin was never sure how Levi was spending his time, and he chose not to ask.
Five months after the Battle of Shinganshina, Levi still refused to look directly at Erwin for very long. And Erwin was losing his patience. Levi was still a Captain in all of his duties. But he seemed to avoid Erwin's office at all costs. He kept conversations irritatingly short. They never shared meals. Levi never offered tea.
******
The night after they returned from the ocean, Erwin stared at stack of paperwork on his desk. The sooner he finished it, the sooner they could start construction for a satellite base to house more recruits. But he hadn't even gotten halfway through the pile, and he couldn't focus. He could only think of Levi.
At the shore, Levi stood close to him. Closer than he had since they returned from Shiganshina. Jean, Connie, Sasha, and Hange seemed to enjoy the water. Hange was especially fascinated by the fauna. Eren and Mikasa stood by themselves, unmoving, staring at the huge water. They spoke to each other, and Erwin wondered if Eren would stay, or if he would attempt to escape.
When Erwin looked at Levi, Levi was already looking up at him. One corner of Levi's mouth tilted up before he looked away. Erwin took off his boots and socks, and he stepped into the water to feel of it on his skin. He closed his eyes and felt the water rushing over him, and the way the sand was pulled out from under his feet when the wave receded. He opened his eyes, and Levi was standing next to him in bare feet.
He thought it was progress. But Levi hadn't spoken to him for the rest of the day.
Erwin stood from his desk, and he left his office. He paced in front of the office door three times before he made up his mind and started walking towards Levi's quarters. When he was a meter from Levi's door, Erwin stopped walking. He stared at the door, saw the candle light from under the door on the floor, but he felt stuck to the spot. Levi obviously didn't want to spend any time with him. Even if the reason kept Erwin awake at night, he had no right to demand an explanation. He couldn't imagine what it must have been like.
Over time, Erwin was able to gather all of the details of what happened on the roof in Shiganshina. Hange seemed to remember ever word of what she heard very vividly. And it horrified Erwin.
It hurt to think of Levi so torn. Levi had been ready to let him go, and then the opportunity to have him back was presented at an awful cost. Erwin thought of himself in the same position. He would have chosen Levi, for the sake of humanity, for his own selfish reasons. But the guilt would've crushed him. Levi was so much stronger than he was when it came to not allowing guilt or regret to affect him.
Erwin felt like he was Levi's regret.
Erwin walked to Levi's door and knocked. He listened closely, and he heard movement. Levi opened the door, dressed in a white undershirt and his uniform pants.
“What do you need?” Levi asked.
“I need to speak with you,” Erwin said. Levi's face didn't respond, and he didn't move. “Could I please come in?” Levi stepped back, opening the door farther. Erwin stepped in, and Levi closed the door. Erwin purposely didn't look around at the room. But he smelled the tea. Levi crossed his arms over his chest. “Hange told me about what was said on the roof, and she told me what happened.” Levi nodded. Erwin waited. Levi didn't offer anything. He needed to know. “Do you have any regrets?”
“No.”
Erwin wouldn't allow his face to change expression. He had to remain as neutral as possible. But he was surprised that Levi answered so quickly.
“I understand that it's unusual for us to have these types of conversations,” Erwin said. “But why have you been avoiding me?”
Levi adjusted his footing, shifting his weight, and he looked away.
“Why won't you look at me?” Erwin asked. Levi's gray eyes darted to him and away again. Levi looked at him. “I can't imagine the weight of the choice that you had to make. And I want to help you carry the burden if you'll only tell me how to help you.”
“You can't,” Levi said. Erwin's breath caught in his lungs, but he forced himself to exhale. “Just focus on using that brain of yours to save us from Marley. That's all that matters.”
“That's not all that matters,” Erwin said. “Not to me.”
“You have what you want,” Levi said. “You know the truth. That's what you wanted. You said you would be satisfied.”
“I'm satisfied with that,” Erwin said. “But I don't know how to make amends with you. I've done horrible things to you-”
“No, you haven't.”
“I put you in a position to make a choice between two lives.”
“I've done that before,” Levi said.
“Never like this,” Erwin said. Levi didn't respond, and he didn't look away. “I know that you're still a Captain, Levi. I know that it's selfish of me, but I still want more than that. I still want to talk to you as-” Erwin stopped, trying to find the right word. “I still want you close. I want to be near to you. And since we've returned, I've felt completely removed from you.” Levi looked away, and Erwin stepped closer. Levi didn't step away, but Erwin kept a respectful distance. “Is there anyway that you would forgive me?”
“Forgive you?” Levi asked, looking back at him. His thin brows pinched together, and his face flushed with anger. “I saved your life and let Armin die only to find out that in thirteen years, it won't fucking matter. I brought you back and signed your death certificate in the same moment.” Erwin's lips parted in surprise. “You're their demon now. I told you to die for us, and then I brought you back because I couldn't-” Levi stopped, gritted his teeth together so hard that Erwin could hear the grinding. Erwin waited, hoping that Levi would find the words. “I can't what you see!” Erwin leaned back when Levi's volume raised so quickly. “Why are you still fighting for this shitty world, Erwin?! That's all I want to fucking know! I never found out why you were fighting so hard! For a world that's always been against you! For soldiers who only wanted you to be the devil! Why are you still doing this?! What do you see that I don't?!” Erwin shook his head, and Levi stopped yelling.
“Levi-”
“If I knew the answer, then I could have let you go!”
“You stayed in the Corps because you saw it, Levi.”
“I followed you!”
“That's why.”
“What?!”
“That's why I'm still fighting,” Erwin said. “Because you're still following.” The blood drained from Levi's face, and his features relaxed. And he looked frightened. “I never knew exactly why you chose to stay. Or why you've dedicated so much to the Corps. Or to me. But the only thing I can do, the only right thing to do for you, is to keep fighting. So you can keeping following.” Levi looked hurt, and Erwin wanted to stop talking. But he needed to say it. “When you told me to give up my dream, to die, you were right. I couldn't keep holding on. I couldn't die with regret. And if I denied you in that moment, then I would have invalidated everything you've ever done for me. I won't do that to you. You haven't only been an invaluable soldier, you've been my closest friend. You've given me everything that I've ever needed and everything that I've ever asked of you. The only way that I can repay that is to keep fighting. If you are going to follow, then it's my responsibility to lead.”
Levi broke eye contact and let out a huff of air. Erwin felt his hands shaking, the overwhelming feeling to finally give in and do it. In Shiganshina, Erwin realized that he had not lived the way he wanted to live. He regretted not finding the truth. He regretted that he had refused to touch Levi even more. So he let Levi make his decision for him. Erwin was relieved. But now he had a second chance.
Erwin reached out, grabbed Levi, and pulled him close.
It was awkward.
Erwin held his breath, and Levi's muscles became rigid. Levi didn't wrap his arms around Erwin, and his face was pressed against Erwin's chest so hard that Erwin was afraid he might have hurt Levi. Erwin's body was panicking from the lack of air, and he closed his eyes tightly, watching the spots flash over the back of the eyelids.
Then, he felt Levi's hands on his ribs. Erwin exhaled, and Levi relaxed in his arms. Levi's fingertips pressed in harder, his thumb running along one of Erwin's ribs on each side. Erwin inhaled, and he felt Levi's hands move against his rib cage, under his jacket.
He couldn't manage his breathing with Levi touching him that way, and he felt Levi shudder in his arms. Levi said something against Erwin's jacket. Erwin leaned back, and Levi gripped Erwin's shirt in his fists.
When he looked down, Levi looked up at him, angry, or injured. There were so many things painted in his eyes that Erwin couldn't choose one.
“I should've let you go,” Levi said. Erwin lifted his right hand to Levi's face, and Levi leaned into it. “I should've let you go,” he repeated, with a voice too choked by whatever had festered inside of him. “But I chose... what I would regret the least.” Erwin nodded. Levi gritted his teeth and shut his eyes tightly, pulling harder on Erwin's shirt.
Erwin leaned down, close to Levi's ear.
“You've given me everything I've ever wanted,” Erwin said. “I saw the truth because of you.” Levi's hands loosened on his shirt then. “I will give you anything.” Erwin leaned closer, pressed the side of his face against Levi's, held him in place with his right hand.
Levi was silent, and Erwin waited patiently. He closed his eyes, and he memorized the feeling of Levi's cheek against his thumb. If he ran his thumb higher, he could feel the brush of Levi's eyelashes. Erwin's spine felt hot.
“I want you to stay here tonight,” Levi said. Erwin opened his eyes. He turned, pressed a kiss against Levi's face, held his lips against Levi's skin, inhaled his scent.
“I'll stay with you,” Erwin whispered. “Any time you ask.”
“I want to kill the Beast Titan,” Levi said.
“I'll make sure it happens,” Erwin promised.
“End the war before thirteen years,” Levi said. Erwin's lips parted. “Don't die before it's finished.” Erwin leaned back, away from him, and looked down. Levi looked up at him. “I don't want to finish it without you.” Panic attempted to flood Erwin's skull, and he refused to show it. “I don't want to chase a dead man to my grave, like Kenny.” Erwin's eyebrows pulled together. He imagined Levi as Kenny. He imagined Levi following orders without the dedication, without the drive. Levi without clear, sharp eyes. Levi being pointed in a direction and following it without passion. Going through endless motions. Allowing himself to be pushed and pulled, simply trying to fulfill a final promise before he has permission to die.
Erwin realized who Levi would have become if he had not lived.
“I'll end it,” Erwin said. Levi's eyes widened. “You'll be with me when it ends.” The words didn't sound like a lie. He felt like he was lying, but the words sounded so real. He believed that they would win. All of his life, he could feel the truth. He felt his promise was true, more than he had ever felt anything. They could end the war in that amount of time. He could leave the world knowing that Levi wouldn't have to fight anymore. “I swear I'll end it before I die.”
The world shrank. Erwin's pinpoint focus and determination settled on Levi. He wouldn't regret this time. There wouldn't be any guilt this time. He didn't care anymore if the reasons were selfish. He would sacrifice anything, everyone, to give Levi the freedom to choose.
Levi pulled him closer.
“Come here,” Levi said. Erwin leaned down, and he pressed his mouth to Levi's.
