#to delete?

[toohottohoot]

few3h minor spoilers:

Claude, receiving my super special merc whistle that impacts the ending of the game and strengthens our bond by a lot: Thank you, this means a lot.

Claude: Take this, it’s really important to me.

Claude: *gives fucking NOTES OF POISON*

IM CACKLING WHAT THE HELL CLAUDE I GAVE YOU MY PRIZED POSSESSION AND YOU’RE TEACHING ME HOW TO KILL PEOPLE

[nether-demon-warthog]

hades - david

persephone - michael

hermes - star

[the-self-ish-voib]

Shoutout to this drawing of Green I got frustrated while drawing and completely abandoned and now I've left them on my desk and they keep staring at me with some sort of desperation for closure but if I finish it they'll only get worse

shoutout to that bee too

[thebumblecee]

this is a very rare serious Cee post.

I have really bad anxiety to the point I can make myself physically ill over posting on A03 (I don’t know why it concentrates itself on that) and I’m trying to combat it by… posting more and being more carefree and trying new things etc

It doesn’t always work sometimes it does.

But I got a comment today that genuinely made me have to sit down and have a little moment of oh my god, this is why I’m doing it.

In no way is this a guilt trip etc but see if you can comment on something? Even just a little bit? It makes the world of difference. Every one I know that writes and posts would say the same.

Thank you endlessly for commenting.

[pandaimitator]

I dunno. I spent the day teaching class about the buddhist concept of Dhukka, or suffering, and how ultimately everything leads to suffering, and that the issue is the desire, because all we can control is our mindset and desires. We have to relenquish the idea of controlling the world, because we will always ultimately be disappointed.

And I should try to take that to heart, but I can't help but be a little bit disappointed that none of my co-workers did anything for me on my birthday. Like barely a Congratulations as they passed me in the halls (with me all dressed up in a monochrome one-piece looking fly as hell). And they knew. I have told them repeatedly what day it was, besides inviting them all a year in advance for my big 40th bash a month ago. 3 out of 20 showed up.

And maybe you think that that's just office policy, but it's not. Another co-worker turned 40 2 months ago and everyone chipped in for a present for her. And sure, the 3 that did come to the party paid for their food as their present to me (like I asked), but would it have been so bad for the rest to chip in a dollar for flowers?

And when the union workers meeting got cancelled, I asked a co-worker in another department to come have a coffee in the cafeteria with me, specifying it was to celebrate my birthday. She shows up, congratulates me and we get our coffees; I ask her what she's having and she shrugs and says she doesn't eat sweets, but I should get something. So I grab the first best thing, and sort of linger. It's not that I expected her to pay, but if the roles had been reversed I would absolutely have offered, as a tiny birthday gesture. She did not, so there I was very slowly reaching for my phone to pay for my own birthday sweet.

And I was absolutely blessed to have had the most A-MA-ZING birthday party with loved ones, friend and family just pouring out their affection for me, and that's a damned good thing because the actual day of was just another crummy day at the office.

End of rant, gonna go meditate on the four noble truths now. (No I'm not, I'm gonna go read the last two gorgeous smutty Mummy fanfics that I've been saving for a special occasion, and I'm gonna comment on the ten years old fic, and delight in the fact that the author always replies with a sweet comment.)

[bandsanitizer]

I’m not saying 5sos scared of kissing their bandmates but I don’t think we’ve seen any two members get super close when sharing a microphone since the time malum touched lips during dont stop in like 2014

[gillianthecat]

I'm not sure that I feel the need to write this out anymore, but I was ruminating on it during my drive home so maybe I will anyway.

I just got back from a lovely evening out with a friend, my oldest friend, she's probably more like a cousin than a friend, really. We were catching up on our lives and also on mutual friends, as we often do when we see each other. And as it often does, it left me feeling insecure and unsettled about my life. Not because of her, but because I inevitably end up comparing my own life to all the very impressive people we went to college with. They're lives are not perfect, they all have struggles of their own, but they are also doing things and have built lives and careers (and families for many of them) for themselves, and are busy being doctors, school principals, university professors, activists, starting their own non profits, etc, while I feel like I've just been drifting for the past decade or so. It feels like they've all become grown ups, while I'm still stuck in the same place I was right after college, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Not only have I not been building a career, I haven't even been employed for the majority of my adult life, and while sometimes I feel like I've come to terms with that fact, nights like tonight when I bump up against the contrast unsettle me all over again.

Anyways, there are a lot of reasons why my life has turned out this way, most of them connected to my ADHD, but one of the consequences is that I don't stay in touch with all these amazing people that I want to be friends with, because I feel embarrassed about my own life, and don't know how to talk about myself. And the longer it's been since I've been in contact, the harder it is to reach out. This is not a new problem or something I've just realized, but I've been hiding from it for months, and it is only as I start to try and talk to people again that it re-enters my awareness.

I don't really know what the solution is. I'm hoping that getting back into classes, and (the gods of ADHD being kind to me) managing to finally finish the semester out, I will feel more confident about my own life, and more able to reach out to people. But I think I also just have to get over my fears about being vulnerable in front of people, and be willing to let them see me struggling. Because that is how to get close to people, after all. And I still haven't figured out why that is something that is so hard for me to do, but it really is.

Tumblr has been really good for me, because I can talk to people and make friends without having to actually talk about myself. I can just have thoughts and opinions and reactions, and it doesn't matter if I have a career or even a job, let alone what they are.

Writing it all out does help bring me back to myself. I don't know if I will keep this up, but I do feel like I want to share my thoughts semi-anonymously, so here they are, unedited.