#tobin le

[deathbyhysteria]

꧁mauve꧂

if one thing was going to come out of this conversation, it would be honesty... something which admittedly i hadn’t been in a long time.  so i told him absolutely everything.

aside from the emotions that fleeted across his face, he said nothing until i’d finished speaking.

“mauve... i can’t believe you went through all that on your own.  you shouldn’t have had to.  i- i should’ve been there.”

the point wasn’t to make him feel guilty, and i told him as much.  but he needed to know.  and i should have told him.  even though i wasn’t sure, there was a possibility that the child i lost was his, and he hadn’t known about it.

over the past few months, i’d caused tobin a lot of pain that he should never have gone through, and for that i was truly sorry.  but somehow, even despite all of that...

“i found myself missing you so much, mauve.  i wished i didn’t.  but i fell in love with you all those years ago and i haven’t ever fallen out of love with you.”

we agreed that i would come back home and we would take things step by step, which is more than my heart had even hoped for before i came by.  just as i was about to get going to catch up with navy, tobin stopped me.

“by the way... phoenix has refused to decorate the winterfest tree without you there.  you should stay this evening and help.”

and so for the first time in ages, it actually felt like it might not be the end of us after all.

[deathbyhysteria]

꧁tobin꧂

mauve’s birthday was coming up and, well, i felt guilty.  i knew she’d been struggling for a while now which, though i didn’t understand, i could empathise with.

so, with that in mind, i wanted to make her birthday extra special this year.  i was going to plan her a surprise birthday party and invite every one of her family and friends (and trust me, there are a lot of them).

i’m absolutely not a cook, but i thought i’d put in maximum effort and attempt making her birthday cake myself.  it turned out... well, it was no gordon ramsey creation, but it would do.

i researched all the best birthday gift ideas, and i found something that i knew would be perfect for her.  heck, maybe it would even be able to solve all our marriage troubles.

but after that, it pretty much all went downhill.

so when i planned for mauve to have one huge picnic in the park with her friends and family, i kinda forgot that it was the middle of winter and wilow creek is rather prone to overnight boughts of snow.  i felt somewhat concerned for some of the female guests...

also, stupid me, i forgot to bring the birthday cake which really was the bare minimum that i needed to do.  plus i had to do all the cooking since the caterer was aparently “too good” for an outdoor grill and refused to cook without a proper stove.

“mauve, honey, just think of it as a special burger.”

“a what?”

“you know... a special birthday veggie burger.  happy birthday...?”

phoenix, as ever, was not helping the situation.

“yeah, can i get two pretzels?  this lame excuse for a birthday party can’t even scrounge up a cake.”

i thought that maybe mauve would manage to have a good time, surrounded by everyone most important to her.  but the whole time, she just looked... disappointed?  troubled?  i couldn’t quite place it, but the only thing that was really left to do was to get her home and away from this disaster scene.

i had failed... unless my surprise birthday present managed to pull it out of the bag.

[deathbyhysteria]

꧁mauve꧂

“how are you feeling?”

“how do you think?  i’m terrified.”

i couldn’t believe i was feeling intimidated by standing outside of my own home.  i hadn’t even been gone long, and yet it felt like so much had changed in so little time.  would tobin want me there after all?  would phoenix?

“don’t worry, my love.  if tobin didn’t want to see you, he wouldn’t have invited you.  now go get your man, and if you need me i’ll only be one call away.”

honestly, what would i do without him?

so all that was left for me was to knock...

...and wait.

[deathbyhysteria]

꧁mauve꧂

that evening, i had gone to sleep in the same bed as tobin.  despite everything that had happened, i just couldn’t bear to sleep alone that night.  i kept seeing my mum’s face as i slept.

the next morning, i woke up with cramps and bleeding.  it felt unusual, not like my normal period.

so on that chilly winter morning, i took a precautionary trip to the hospital.  alone.

it turned out, i was pregnant.  whether it was tobin’s or the guy who i’d slept with that one night, i didn’t know.  and i would never know.

i’d been pregnant without knowing it, and that morning i lost a piece of me i didn’t know i had.  i lost my baby.

[deathbyhysteria]

꧁mauve꧂

married life... really isn’t all that different.

i still just do all the things i usually love to do when i have time out from work...

...i still spend time looking after my little bug...

...alhough maybe one difference is that tobin and i have more reasons to... celebrate.

in fact, these days we have to be a touch more creative in finding a moment alone now that phoenix is big enough to be running around the house.

but maybe the best thing about having gotten married is looking forward to the honeymoon!  my mum agreed to look after phoenix for a couple days, so very soon we’ll be jetting off to selvadorada.  i can’t wait!  we’ll be going very soon - but not before we celebrate a very important birthday.

i’m thinking maybe marriage won’t be so bad after all.

[deathbyhysteria]

꧁mauve꧂

the big day arrived!  we planned the wedding for as soon as possible - tobin wanted us to finally be married, whereas i was just hoping to get it over and done with (though i didn’t tell him that).  so, we decided to tie the knot at the von haunt estate where we got engaged.

as much as the whole wedding thing is not my cup of tea, i have to admit that there are some things i really enjoyed.  like how beautiful i felt that day...

...and how many of my friends and family showed up.  it’s been a while since all of us were in the same place, and i loved every minute of it!

and yes, i know a few too many people decided to show up wearing white, but eh, i’m hardly going to go out of my way to complain am i?

and i kind of melted, hearing tobin recite his vows.  it was almost like we were the only two people around.

somehow i still manage to get flustered when he looks at me.  i almost ended up forgetting my own vows!

but we got through it, we said ‘i do’ and i guess now we’re husband and wife.  whatever that must mean.  with any luck, it’ll be no different to being boyfriend and girlfriend.  ...right?

at least if one good thing came out of this, we had a hell of a wedding cake.

[deathbyhysteria]

꧁tobin꧂

becoming a father really makes you reprioritise.

when you have a kid, everything else just somehow seems... less important.  and though he was unexpected, phoenix has fast become the centre of my world.

which means now, it’s time for me to step up and be a man.

i took mauve on a date to the von haunt estate.  i wasn’t much interested in the house (although she enjoyed pranking me by claiming she saw the ghosts of bernard and mimsy).  i was more interested in the hedge maze, though we spent far more time separated than i’d hoped.

luckily, it wasn’t too hard to get things back on track once we finally managed to find each other again.

the last stop after the maze was the wedding arch at the end of the grounds.  my stomach was doing flips, not unlike the fish in the green waters beyond.  but i did what i had to do, because it was time for me to step up.

“mauve, i think we should get married.”

“...what?”

“we have a responsibility to do what’s right for phoenix now.  we need to think about making sure he has a happy and stable home as he grows up.”

i could already begin to see things slipping.  i may not have known mauve all that long, but i could already figure out her thoughts from the expression on her face.

it was now or never.  i dropped to one knee.

“look, mauve, i know things are weird right now.  i know we haven’t been together all that long, and i sure know how you feel about marriage.  but... i think we could make something really good here.  and i care for you and phoenix a great deal.  so... will you marry me?”

and so...

[deathbyhysteria]

꧁mauve꧂

roommates have switched up since the first term.  aadhya moved out, which was just so sad, and now i’m rooming with just guys.

i’m pretty sure that one of the guys, joel, has a thing for me.

but at the same time, he keeps blowing up at me for literally no reason?  i know they always say that boys are mean to girls that they like, but i’m not feeling that - or him - at all.  i think it’s best that i try to keep out of his way, to be honest.  i do NOT want to give him the wrong idea.

on the other hand, my other new roommate tobin?  now that’s a guy i’d love to give the wrong idea, if you know what i’m talking about.

i don’t know much about him yet other than he takes physics, he loves music and likes to go for a jog every morning, but i already want to get to know him more.  how on earth am i meant to figure out if he’s interested in me too?  are his glances flirty or is he just looking at me?  i hate this so much!