Don't say that I don't know you. I do. I know you would never disrespect a girl in any way. I know you care. You showed me you did. I know how you act when you loved me. Understand why I asked you that question. All the things I've been through, you know about them. I wanted to confirm that I wasn't overthinking and that you really loved me still. I wanted you to say, "No. I love you that's why I do this with you". I remember you told me how you would never take advantage of anyone and I believe you. You are a good person.
They don't know you like I do. Yet why did I believe the warnings of others? It's not that I don't trust you, no. I trust everyone--everyone but myself. When did I stop trusting myself? It sounds stupid doesn't it? I can others but I can't trust myself. All of my beliefs and decisions made before ended up hurting me, and since then I failed to believe in myself and my own ideas. Instead, I molded the ideas of others into my own. It sounds complicated, but it's really simple. I don't want to be hurt again.
And this guy comes along. A guy who deserves the best. Who has been nothing but good to me. I give him this. The me that is still a mess. The me that has refused to fix herself because she was blind to realize her faults.
I have gone into therapy for depression, but I stopped once he came along. The happiness he gave me made me blind. I thought it was only depression that was wrong with me, but there was so much more. I thought I was better because I was happy again. But I wasn't. And I'm not. Never once did I consider the scars that were still left. Now I understand why they were so insistent that I keep going to the sessions. I should have continued. The biggest mistake I have ever made. I never got a chance to focus on myself and improve myself from my torn state. I should have stayed even after we got together. Even though I was so happy. I should have stayed.
Introspection with the counselor helped me realize these things. I hope I can make an appointment with the hospital soon. It'll be the same psychologist, so we'll be able to go into things and skip the intros I hope.
You may or may not be reading this right now. But if you are, don't pity me.
I want you to be happy. I've said this many times to you. You don't believe me when I tell you my feelings towards you, but are there qualifications to love someone? I wish I hated you. Then you wouldn't be hurt. I wish I hated you. Then we wouldn't have to go through this. I wish I hated you. So you could smile and be happy again. But I am in love with you. The one thing that I trusted myself with was my feelings for you. And they won't change. Not now. Not ever. I will always be yours. I promised you that.
If only I had stayed in therapy until they said it was okay for me to stop. We would be happy together right now. Maybe making fun of each other on Skype, or playing League, or watching a movie together. And our anniversary would be coming up soon. I was too busy analyzing my recent mistakes to even consider that there was something in the past that I neglected.
It seems as though I always have to mess things up, hurt you, and make you mad to realize my dumb mistakes, don't I? It's far fetched to ask for your forgiveness and another chance to start over now isn't it? Is it selfish to ask you to wait for me? Until I get better? Until I fix myself?
Maybe then we can be "we" again.
