You talk in the podcast about anxiety, and having past sexual trauma sort of issues. Are there times when you panic or are legitimately scared during either sex or punishment? How do you handle that, and how does he? What does he do that makes you comfortable enough to tell him if you're afraid?
We dated for a few years before we got into domestic discipline or D/s. When we started dating I was a few years past being diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. The PTSD was caused by sexual abuse, and sex triggers me more than anything else. I think the only time I’ve ever had a panic attack outside of sexual things was at the dentist once. I’ve never been scared or panicky during punishment. We started domestic discipline (rules and punishments) before we were kinky in the bedroom. CD was worried that I might panic so he insisted on creating a safeword. At that time, “no” would still have worked to stop things, but he thought I might have a hard time saying ‘no’ so we created a safeword just in case the safeword was easier for me to say in the moment It just gave him more peace of mind.
He asked me if I wanted to date him before he ever tried to kiss me or anything. I said ‘yes’ to being his girlfriend and then he asked if he could kiss me goodbye when he left. We pecked. The next morning I woke up anxious, feeling like I had gotten caught up in the moment and said yes, when he had no idea how inexperienced I was and how much anxiety I had about sex.
I walked around a parking lot pacing with nerves before calling him and confessing that all I had ever done with anyone else was kiss. I was bracing myself for him to say we should just be friends again. He just casually said ‘that’s alright we’ll go slowly’ or something like that - like it wasn’t a big deal at all. I thought he must not be really hearing me. So I think I went on to say that it wasn’t just that I was new, but that I felt like I couldn’t do anything more than kiss yet, I had too much fear. He repeated that we’d go really, really slowly then. Again, he just sounded so calm and normal about it. Some part of me thought he still wasn’t really hearing me just because he didn’t seem put off. I knew he had sex with former partners so I just thought there was no way he could be happy with me when I wasn’t ready to do anything more than makeout. I’m sure he had no way of knowing how slowly we would need to go (I didn’t even know) but he was fine with putting my emotional wellbeing first and I think that’s really what mattered.
I don’t remember the first time I panicked with him, but I know that I panicked many times in our first two years or so together. Sometimes we’d have a lot of fun, and then the next day we’d do the exact same thing and I’d panic. I am somewhat ashamed to admit this, because it certainly is risky to be sexual with someone if you aren’t in the habit of speaking up when you are scared. But honestly, I don’t think I ever specifically told him that I was scared in the moment, until just the last couple of years. When I panic I freeze, physically and emotionally/mentally it’s like I just turn off. From the very beginning, he just could sense that I had become uncomfortable and he would stop and hold me and then I’d start crying. In that first couple of years, I would have flashbacks sometimes. After I had calmed down from panicking he’d ask me if I had a flashback or if any particular aspect triggered me, etc. For the most part, it was just the act of being fingered or giving a blowjob that would trigger me, so we couldn’t really avoid it while still doing the main act. But along the way we learned of really little triggers I have, like being touched over the top of my panties, that we could easily avoid so we did. But I was also in therapy during this time period which I think was extremely important in helping me work through my childhood trauma and gain confidence, etc.
I think the reason I felt comfortable answering his questions (like ‘did you have a flashback? What specifically set it off?” etc was because he just so effortlessly switched from being sexual to comforting me and he was just clearly so concerned about me. It was clear that he was on my team, and he wanted to help keep me from panicking. It also helped that he was incredibly patient. I also just trusted him more than I had trusted anyone before. Part of it was definitely the way he reacted well and supported me when things went poorly. And we had been friends before we dated and he had been a very trustworthy friend as well. But I also just felt a strong natural inclination to trust him. There’s just something about who he is that makes me feel safe with him, and I picked up on that early on.
I still occasionally panic during sex or play. To be really honest, he still tends to catch it before I can force any words out because I do freeze for a second but there have been times where he couldn’t see my face so he didn’t catch it first and then it takes me maybe 3-4 seconds to sort of breathe and find my voice but I’ve always just said “I’m scared!” as it’s the first thing that comes to mind for me…I guess that’s kind of weird but it’s fine in the sense that he totally gets that I’m safewording and just scoops in to hold me and comfort me and help me calm down and recover.
When I think about what he has done more recently to help me still feel able to speak up, it’s just his history of comforting me and not being upset when I freak out during sex. Every single time it happens he tells me that I didn’t ‘ruin’ our play and he’s glad I spoke up (or he caught it) so that he could comfort me, and how he never wants to push me to a point of fear or panic, so stopping things when I get scared IS serving his wishes, it is the submissive option. Also, if we come across new things that trigger panic in me we avoid them. If it’s less than panic but enough to ruin the experience then sometimes we try to find ways to play in a similar way but perhaps slower or with different elements so we can enjoy the fun parts while avoiding the parts that scared me. We also know that I always have anxiety when I am trying anything new sexually, no matter how excited about it I am. So, we never play with any kind of new thing if I am already stressed or otherwise not feeling my best. We only work on soft limits or anything that I am even a tiny bit hesitant about when I am feeling really good emotionally as that increases the odds of it going well.
A really important post for submissives to read if they tend to “freeze” when they panic:
http://thegirlinthewoman.tumblr.com/post/170204851484/it-shouldnt-be-this-way-but-it-is-the-world-is
