Weak moment
It’s 4:30 a.m. and my alarm clock is going off. I have to get up. My mind instantly thinks about you. Are you pushing the snooze button just like me? Are you wrestling with the thought of getting up?
I start my morning drive and I wonder if you’re listening to the same radio station. I wonder if your drive is long after I pass all the cars going east bound. I wonder if you got a new hydro flask and if you’re still stashing cheeze its in your desk? I wonder if you found more sketches and if you’re still going on your random walks around the office. I wonder if you’re still killing it with your numbers at work and if your stat report is doing amazing still? I wonder if you got more regions to take on?..........
But mostly..... I wonder if you’re happy.
I get to work and I remind myself to stay in the present. To enjoy every minute, even if somedays seem unbearable.... There’s a new couple that walks every single morning around our store. They treat it like an indoor track. Her husband has a back problem, throughout the walk his head is always down. I wonder if he feels sad? A lifetime of looking at the floor and his wife always having to meet everyones gaze. I smile at them, they walk with such comfort. It’s them against the world. I wonder if it’s always been like that.
It’s 2:30 and I’m halfway home, I pass your old house almost everyday. I try not to look in that direction. There’s something haunting about a place that holds big memories. I try not to think.
It’s almost 4 and I wonder if you stopped to get Mexican food or if you got fed at work? I wonder if coral greets you with the biggest excitement when you get home? I wonder if your day was easy peazy and I wonder what the highlights were? I wonder if you’ll be playing a new video game tonight or if you’ll be playing magic? I wonder if you have a new show on netflix and if it’s any good?
It’s 6p.m and I’m on the treadmill trying to distract myself. I think about how yesterday I wandered through the mens section at Nordstroms. I found two shirts, three different patterns of socks and this tiny desk frame contraption. I would have bought it all, but instead I just stared at it. I wonder if you found more polo’s and if you bought more ties? I wonder if someone new is helping you shop............I turn the incline and the speed up. I bring my mind back to focus so that I’m forced to concentrate on breathing and making sure my stride matches the speed. I can’t breathe and my ribs hurt, but I’m thankful for that hour.
9:30 and I’m laying in bed. I try not to think about what if felt like to fall asleep next to you. I try not to think about what it would have felt like to have that every night...I wonder if coral is nuzzled by the window and I wonder if your back hurts still? I wonder if your hands are softer? I wonder if there is anyone giving you tingles and talking way too much?
I wonder if one day all these memories will stop hurting.
I wonder if one day I’ll be able to stop thinking about you.
I wonder if one day I’ll be able to forgive you.
But for now, my heart still asks about you and my mind constantly has to remind it, that you stopped communicating, you stopped being honest, you stopped being happy. Tell me, would you have told me we were done, if I hadn’t confronted you? Tell me that you weren’t just going to ghost me until I got the hint? Tell me that the moving in together was a lie? I needed you and you left me in the dark..............
......................................my heart still asks about you...............
