Ilang ulit ko na sinabi noon sa sarili ko na I would never feel tired again, na hindi ko iisipin ang sumuko. But at the end of the day, ganon parin naman. I am so used to tell myself, convincing my self na hindi na ulit ako bababa, pero hindi pala talaga ganon 'yon.
The other night, I broke. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko, na umabot sa point na I am shaking (again). And send messages to myself, yung pagseself pity ko, the flaws, the disappointments, my anxieties especially. After I brokedown, as I have reach my limit, i stopped crying and read those messages again.
I have realized na I can't change myself in one snap, I just cant tell myself to be strong then I will not cry anymore. It's not that.
Sobrang hirap pala.
Kahit pala ilang ulit mo kumbinsihin sarili mo to be okay, and be better, hindi pala ganon kadali. Sobrang habang proseso yung dapat mo intayin at gawin para ma-reach mo yung goal mo.
Akala ko kase noon, it's so easy to change-
pero sa totoong buhay?
----------It takes a long journey.
A journey that has no particular line so you can start, no specific ending telling you where to stop and no particular place where you should go.
You don't know what could be the ending of your story.
Di'ba? Ang complex niya isipin na you want every dreamed of yours, mga pangarap na gusto rin ng iba could possibly happen in you, pero ang hirap kase walang kasiguraduhan.
It is so hard to keep your mind on track when people around you kept dragging you down.
Yun yung totoo;
I just hope to who ever read this, I pray that God would give you strenght to handle things right and brave enough to face thousands of triggers.
I pray for your recovery very soon, because I am you.
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Written: Sept. 24, 2021