I don’t want to be in this body
And I don’t want to be in this skin
And I’m stuck on this earth in this torture
And it’s a battle I don’t feel I’m going to win
And I’ve seen too many contorted angry faces
And I’ve heard too many words that were cruel
And I’ve been yelled at in my house in all its spaces
And I’ve been made to appear small and like a fool
I’ve been sworn at with swear words in two languages
Raged over me like a curse on many nights
And I’ve burst a blood vessel on my voice box
As I tried to defend myself with words in one of the fights
The stress has caused tension in my jaw bone
And a sharp pain at times refers to my ear
And I jump at the sound of creaking floorboards
Even though my tormentor is no longer here
I wake with anticipation anxiety
Expecting something unpredictable and most likely bad
And most days there’s a throbbing head ache to match it
As well as diarrhoea, a common occurrence that I’ve had
I flinch at the sound of deep voices near me
And when I catch a glimpse of something from the corner of my eye
And I don’t cope well with people near me but behind me
And my voice is most often raspy and rather high
My eyes are so dry the eyelids sometimes stick together
After putting drops in as I fall asleep in my bed
And my urge incontinence means I pee my pants when I don’t want to
As I fail at all the strategies in my head
I can’t drink water it’s a psychological aversion
And so consequently I don’t drink anything nearly enough
And the sleep I do have is poor and patchy
And I worry about all the damage that will result
My neck and shoulder tension is at times unbearable
And I clench my teeth at night and I’ve cracked more than one tooth
And my stress means my work capacity is severely limited
I love my work but it’s exhausting to tell the truth
My feet hurt, the pain is getting worse in the mornings
And my toe nails’ fungal infection gives them a horrible look
And my diet is so bad I sometimes feel like crying
And my fatigue means I don’t have much energy to cook
And my weight has ballooned over the years but recently I’ve lost some
And I wear the same three dresses day after day
And it’s so depressing as I don’t think I’m able to change things
And I cringe in shame as I don’t think I can find a better way
Then there’s my obsession checking my bank balance many times daily
To see if there’s enough cash to pay incoming bills
And I worry when I’m stressed I may get sick
And then who will run the house if I get ill ?
I am overcome by all the dust and all the clutter
It clouds my brain and leaves me suffocating
And as I contemplate the results of all my trauma
The pain inside my head gets close to exploding
Cysts through my body in so many places
Thyroid, liver, kidneys and breasts
And low iron and vitamin D on top of all this
And so often is the need for ongoing tests
And with all of this I give out my best as a mother
But I feel bad and guilty that I am such a heavy weight
And I love my kids and yet I realise I am a such a burden
And it’s crushing as I falter under so much hate
I don’t want to be in this body
And I don’t want to be in this skin
And I’m stuck on this earth in this tortured existence
It’s a battle I feel I’m really not going to win
1020am Sunday November 26, 2017
242pm Monday November 27, 2017