Uncle!Ardyn
Noctis' slighty-weird uncle who never ages and is down with murder.
· Surrounded by women and men at galas; we're talking SRO. Sits on a divan, fifth glass of champagne pinched in his fingers, flanked by beautiful people who fought for these seats.
· Tells the wildest tales. In our world, he would have suggested the original Ducati red, caused a kitchen fire in the Gritti Palace, and kissed Charlie Chapman on the cheek. Shook hands with Scarface, went into the Amazon, became the inspiration for Indiana Jones. And it would all be true.
· The kinda guy who kisses you on both cheeks and calls everyone “darling.”
· Ardyn makes people guess his age. No one outside the citadel knows the truth. No one inside the citadel is allowed to speak of him. No one who’s in on the truth is allowed to give it away. So Ardyn stares Regis down expectantly, like a predator, and King Regis of Insomnia sighs.
· “Forty-two?”
· “Wrong.”
· Regis rolls his eyes. They’re not in public, he can get away with it.)
· Plays the “because I’m older” card too often. Against Regis, too, of course!
· Is disappointed in Regis. The King never takes his sagely advice. Ardyn’s been around the block before, okay? Murder always works, foolproof solution to most of life’s problems.
· But the thirty-two year old brat just smiles politely and goes, “Thank you, Ardyn, I shall consider it,” and sends Niflheim a glorified fruit basket.
· No poison. No explosives. Ardyn checked.
· (At least they have Noctis. Ardyn wasn’t sure about his youngest nephew, so timid, especially after the death of his mother. He tried to coax Noct into playing tag or feeding alley cats, but the boy started sleeping through everything he could.
· Then King’s Knight became a thing, and the All-Uncle baited his nephew into teaching the basics.
· “You have to hit them with what they’re weak against.”
· Ah, hope, rekindled in his chest. It springs eternal. Maybe Insomnia isn’t doomed.)
· Not Dad Jokes- Uncle Jokes.
· (Dad Jokes cause cringing; Uncle Jokes leaves scars no one can see.
· They get worse as you age. Like when King Regis randomly wondered about “If ‘A’ is for ‘apple’ and ‘B’ is for ‘banana,’ then what is ‘C’ for?” And then it clicked. A servant had to Heimlich the dinner steak out of his lungs.)
· At age five, Noctis was confused about what an uncle really was. He thought his dad’s uncle could be the same as his, but then young Ignis corrected him, and Noctis goes around the citadel asking everyone about their uncles. Then he goes into the citadel gardens where he knows he’ll find Ardyn, playing with a mallet and balls across the grass. Adults told him it’s called “croquet,” but they all sounded unsure. Out of the field his uncle set up, Noctis liked the windmill and giant cat sculptures the best. One day, he’ll be big enough to hold the mallet, and then he’ll be able to play the cat section, too.
· “Are you my uncle?” asks the prince. Ardyn sizes up the angle of the hard, heavy ball and makes a few experimental swings. He wacks it high into the air; it clacks off the nose of a plaster crocodile, rolls through a Rube Goldberg machine, sails over a mini castle, hits the turret, and lands in the moat.
· Ardyn tsks. “Right in the bunker- Yes, I am your uncle.”
· “Are you my dad’s brother?”
· “No.”
· “Ignis says an uncle is my dad’s brother.”
· “And how do you think, then, that I might be your uncle and your father’s uncle?”
· The prince thinks hard. Ardyn smiles fondly, swings the mallet over one shoulder, and pets Prince Noctis on the head, just the way he hates it. Noctis ducks and swipes at the hand.
· “Ah, little one. So much to learn.” Ardyn walks off to the sand trap. When Noctis stays put, he gives that “come along, now” wave.
· Always a delight to have at birthday parties. None of the adults invited him. Same with the galas.
(9/29/21)
And all this is somehow his middle finger to the gods. Everything he does every single day, big or small.
Anger turned outward is aggression. Anger turns inward is depression. Anger turns sideways is Arden forging the king's signature to have the world's greatest slip and slide water park installed onto the side, the south side which faces a lovely sunset, of the citadel. All for noctis, who doesn't really want it. No one's really sure what Arden is attempting to achieve with this. Maybe just to give Regis a headache.
