#tracysjournal

[tracy-angeline]

I've been stuck for too long. I am still hibernating, avoiding risk and collecting my will to start a new little thing. I just don't want to live like the old me. And I realize that moving is really so hard damn to do. But the only thing that I have to do is moving *lol*. February is starting. Time is ticking. I wish I could live better than before. Sometimes I doubt about my way to live. But lately myself often talks to itself: Believe in Me 💕

[tracy-angeline]

I'll write hard in 2018. 🖤

[tracy-angeline]

January 5th, 2018

Year to heal the soul Year to forgive and forget Year to repeat the good things Year to do something new Year to give an infinity attempt Year to let who hurts me Year to keep people who love me unconditionally Year to appreciate rejection and indignity Year to give more Year to receive gratefully Year to be tough and happy

Years ago, I was naive. I was full of regret and I am sorry. But, without all those mistakes I really couldn’t be I am today. Thank you & please forgive me.

🖤.

[tracy-angeline]

I thought I couldn't deal with people except myself. I used more my logic than feeling. I lost my emotion and I became a cold hearted person. I lost people I love, almost all of them. But, this Christmas, I really want to be a better person. I will speak what my heart says, I'll let you know what I feel and I'll stop hiding my flaws from you. I wasn't perfect and am not. I am really sorry for everything. When everybody broke my heart, I couldn't deal with pain not people. I could forgive people but sometime the pain hurting me so much. I never blame people. But, I blame my self "why I couldn't handle it well like others?", "Where did I go wrong?". I cried a lot and blame my self much. This year, you slap me in the face. My heart hurts so much, I full of depress and my head couldn't think straight. You play with my life, no words could calm me. I just should forgive you again and over again. I'll have to pass you by. I don't have to win over you but I really want to be at peace with my self. God will heal me, God will answer my doubt, God will show the truth and happines upon me. You, the problems I never expected before, I promise to solve you clearly and fight for my self. To the words that I couldn't recall, I'll learn to think before speak so I won't hurt people's feeling. I'll learn to manage my anger and self as well. I'll learn to trust people that maybe break my heart anytime they want. I'll learn to be humble and nice. I know that no one has the same heart as me. Accept and support each other cause the better one will always come after you. Be grateful and do your best. Good luck! It was the saddest christmas and new year for me but It was really necessary, wasn't wasted at all. I'll make sure you're going to miss me, but it will never be too late for me. January 1st 2018 🖤

[tracy-angeline]

2018

Maybe, the time bomb just exploded cause it was the time. Maybe, it will never be the same, it gets worst or better than before I don't even know. But, I believe that one day when you're alone and no one would stay with you, you're going to recall the memories about you and me having time together. I know for sure that everything that I've done to you beyond your expectation and will. and you never wanted to know that I did all for you cause I really love you. But, those things didn't touch your empathy even your pure heart. All that I could say is "go living without time" and find me when you are at peace with yourself. I'll always have your back ☺

[tracy-angeline]

Mencari Jalan

Masa depan tidak akan seburuk masa lalu, dengan semua ketidakpastiannya percayalah dia akan membawamu jauh ke depan dengan hal-hal yang lebih baik dari kemarin dan saat ini. Lebih baik bukan berarti semuanya akan penuh dengan hal-hal baik tapi juga hal-hal buruk, semuanya akan akan menjadi lebih jika kita menaruh porsi yang lebih di salah satunya, yaitu hal yang baik/buruk. Jadi tetapkan porsi dengan seimbang.

Kadang merasa cepat pantas akan pencapaian dan kadang menjadi begitu kecewa dengan patahnya harapan. Ketika hancur hati ada yang bisa bangkit dengan mudah bahkan tanpa bantuan, ada yang bisa bangkit dengan dengan bantuan, ada yang tidak sama sekali dan bantuan pun tidak datang. Ternyata hidup itu pilihan tapi ada gilirannya, kalau terlambat atau dengan sengaja/tidak membuangnya harus menunggu sampai giliran itu datang lagi, mungkin cepat mungkin juga lambat.

Pernahkah merasa menyesal? Padahal itu hanya sebuah permulaan dari sebuah kisah indah? Pernahkah berharap adanya sebuah mesin waktu? Maukah kembali bukan di waktu yang penuh dengan kebahagiaan atau sekedar memperbaiki hal buruk? Maukah bersyukur untuk saat ini yang menjadi teman yang nyata?

Ketidakpastian begitu menarik ternyata dari pada hal-hal yang pasti. Ketidakpastian membuat kita menciptakan harapan. Semua manusia pasti merasa takut dan rapuh, tapi carilah jalan sesuai dengan tujuan  masing-masing. Semuanya mencari jalan dan masing-masing memiliki jalan menuju tujuan tersebut. 

[tracy-angeline]

It feels like I’m really done with everything I deal with. But, fool me, I know nothing and it makes me sick.

[tracy-angeline]

❤❤❤