#traiitor

[svcreds]

               ↬  @traiitor​  ♡

          “  didn’t you say that you two were  FRIENDS  ?  ”

[peachhsoju]

👕 nat n ren ,, !!

oh shit , are we in love ?

he pulls the lollipop from his mouth . the thought has been nagging at ren , pulling at him like a dog on a too - short leash . he won't let himself sink fully into the thought , because ren doesn't need anyone .

& he sure as hell doesn't want someone to need him , either . ren is the last , last person anyone should come asking for help . people were poison , the way they could seep into your veins & turn you inside out --- ren included . he didn't want something as good as nat . didn't need it .

( slow down , no need to rush )

but doesn't he go to nat's college to pick him up after class , especially at night , since the buses are hell ? dosesn't ren have their toothbrushes hanging together in the bathroom ? doesn't nat stay the night at least three times a week , & doesn't ren hold him tight just the way he asks ?

& now nat needs him , more than ever .

watching nat fuss with the fabric of the hoodie is twisting his stomach into knots . the black & blue ---- & in some cases , yellow --- that paint nat's chest , for starters . the pock - marks that litter the inside of his elbow aren't any better . ren feels his fist clench in an all - too familiar wave of frustration . nat had needed him , & he hadn't been there .

❝  here ...  ❞ ren sticks the dumdum back in his mouth , & holds the bottom of the hoodie so nat can get his arms through without exacerbating the undoubtable pain in his chest . ren can still hear a gentle hiss of pain , & he swallows . ❝ almost got it ... there .  ❞ ren tugs the hoodie down , smooths it out with a half - smile . it's way too big on nat , but endearingly so . it swallows nat up the way ren wants to sometimes , when he wants to hide him from everything in the world .

❝ haru knows you won't be in class . so don't ask me to take you . ❞

nat's sleepy smile is consolation enough . ❝ ok ... dumdum . ❞

( i only fell when i gave up )

[antisromantics]

━━━  ➳ @traiitor​

​

  keys  twist  and  turn  until  the  familiar  click  of  the  door  unlocking  fills  the  otherwise  empty  hall.  she  pushes  the  door  not  expecting  to  see  much  of  anything.  there  was  a  lamp  that  was  the  only  source  of  light  to  greet  but  not  her  roomate.  she  didn't  give  much  thought  not  wanting  to  linger  on  it  anymore.  she  turns  to  shut  the  door  and  lock  it  back  before  she  makes  her  way  to  her  bedroom  tired  from  all  the  events  that  happened  in  the  earlier  hours  of  the  day.  she  plops  down  onto  her  bed  and  lets  out  a  sigh  before  she  rolls  onto  her  back  a  smile  upturning  her  lips  as  she  mind  drifts  off  to  the  boy  she  was  just  moments  ago.  that  smile  didn't  last  long  when  her  mind  wonders  off  to  the  other  who  she  hadn't  spoken  to  lately.

[peachhsoju]

“ it's you and me, forever. no matter what. “ yue n hyunseo :pensive:

------ so he had said , all those years ago . she was 9 , he was 9 and a half , as he'd retorted when one of the movers asked how old he was .

moving day was a sticky day in august ; yue could never forget the heat , how it pressed down on her like a wet paper towel . her parents were helping his parents with the boxes , creating a relay line of sorts from the door to the truck . the grownups had insisted yue & hyunseo stay out of the way , which yue was more than happy to do . they ended up sitting on the curb across from hyunseo's house , a favorite after - school spot of theirs .

you'll come back though , right ? she had said . her pink rectangle glasses kept sliding down her nose , slick with sweat . i don't want you to get a new best friend . you can only have one ...

of course !! hyunseo had declared , looking scandalized that she'd even suggested the thought . it's you & me , forever . no matter what !! & hyunseo had held out his pinky .

no matter what , yue had repeated softly , & their thumbs kissed .

now she's 19 , & she supposes that makes him 19 and a half . but now yue is the one who's leaving : it's yue with everything she owns , packed in two checked bags & a carry - on . it's raining , & it's not hyunseo's parents waiting on him , but his girlfriend , who sits in the driver's seat of the idling car in the drop-off area .

she hadn't wanted hyunseo to drop her off , initially . she was bad at goodbyes then & she's bad at them now --- especially when hyunseo is involved , when the chance to say hello fell so few & far between . she didn't want to cry , or make a scene , least of all in front of his girlfriend .

( she's everything i'm insecure about )

as hyunseo heaves her mammoth bags out the back , yue can already feel her throat begin to stopper . she had wanted moscow since she was a kid --- since she was 9 , incidentally . but when she'd received the acceptance letter , she hadn't felt the pure elation she had expected . oh , she felt it , absolutely , make no mistake . but it was tainted , spoiled by the thought of another goodbye .

another goodbye to hyunseo .

for a moment , she thinks she'll make it . she thinks she can get through this last minute with hyunseo . he'd say something like have a safe flight & she'd nod & say thanks for the ride , & maybe they'd hug , & that would be it . a perfectly choreographed exit routine .

so she wasn't prepared at all for the way her stomach dropped when he held out his pinky .

the first tear fell soundlessly ; then the second , then the third . but she regains her composure quickly , disguising a would - be sob with a loud sniff . she can't believe he remembers that too . of course he remembers , she admonished herself . if finding hyunseo again this year has taught her anything , it's that he had far from forgotten her .

❝  --- no matter what , ❞ she whispers , touching her thumb to his . she gives another loud sniff . ❝  i'll text you when i take  off . & --- when i land . don't --- don't get another best friend , okay ? ❞

when she was a kid , she had broken free from her mother's hand & run after the moving truck , crying & waving as it pulled out of their neighborhood .

as she stands in the check - in line , all but sobbing into her sleeve , she wonders if hyunseo will stay to watch the plane take off .

[peachhsoju]

“ i don't want us to be apart anymore. ever. “ pax n eric 🥺

eric's favorite place had always been his desk . in the stillness of his room , in his favorite sweater , & maybe some tea , with his meticulous notes spread before him . it was the one place where he could sit & all the noise in his brain was finally

                                                           quiet .

it might seem lonely to some , but eric had never been lonely . he was just alone . & for a long time , he was fine with that . he loved routine . he loved coming home from class & doing the same thing every night . he loved knowing exactly where things were in his room , when they were , why they were .

but pax .

paxton is unpredictable . pax is the wind ruffling the pages of eric's textbook on cool autumn nights . pax is unmade beds , staying out late , fingertips that are rough on eric's palm . the dive bar eric meets him in is

                                                           loud .

eric's favorite place had always been his desk . but somehow --- through no logic found in eric's notes , at least --- it was quickly replaced with pax's couch . or his bed . or anywhere pax is , really . but if he had to choose , he likes huddling under the covers , with pax pressed up against his back , holding him tight in what eric believes is called spooning . pax became part of his routine , along with all the shows , road trips , and kisses that came with it .

eric's mother's voice had always been

                                                          loud

in his ear ; do well in school . marry well in life . for me . your mother . eric had always chosen what she had laid out for him . when the time came for him to choose between what she wanted & what he wanted , he couldn't --- so she chose for him .

eric found himself back at his desk after that . he flicked idly through his textbooks , reading the words but retaining none of the information . for a place that had once been his favorite , it didn't feel the same . there was no breeze , even though the window was open . there wasn't pax's random shuffling in the background , undoubtedly trying to do his share of the cleaning . there wasn't the gentle buzz of pax absently plucking his bass . there wasn't the slow , even breaths of pax napping behind him . there wasn't , there wasn't , there wasn't .

a tear blotted the colorful sticky note . that might be the worst part . even in the silence , eric could still hear pax's echo .

                                        had it always been this quiet ?

day after day , the static in his mind seemed to grow . the simplest of tasks suddenly felt impossible : sitting at his desk , with the intent to study , was near herculean .

his room became cluttered . his mother tutted at how you used to be so organized , until recently .

fall faded to winter . eric had been looking for his scarf before he remembered --- oh .

he had stood there , arms limp at his sides .

when eric was a kid , he used to think winter lasted forever --- for a season with the shortest days , sometimes it felt like spring would never come , & he would have to make peace with the bitter wind biting his cheeks every morning .

(  but it did end . )                                                   ( ------ &  eric &   pax begin again . )

they're still taking it slow ---- even a blizzard's worth of snow doesn't melt in a day . but , eric finds pax's rough fingertips walking into his hand again ; he finds a blanket draped over his shoulders when he wakes up from an impromptu study ' break ' ; he finds himself back at the dive bar , adding up all the sales of pax & seamus' merch . most of all , he finds himself in his favorite place again .

❝  ----  hm ?  ❞ eric can feel pax's lips moving in his hair . a pleasant sort of chill runs through him ; he always loved how he fit into pax so perfectly when they were in bed together .  

 ❝ i don't want that , either , ❞ eric breathes , closing his eyes . ❝  that like ... sucked , you know ? ❞ he goes for a mirthless sort of chuckle , but squeezes pax's hand regardless . he thinks about pax , where they've been , where they've come from ---  &  hopefully , where they'll be  . ❝ i hate being without you . i want to be where you are , when you are ... all the time . ❞

there's a merch order eric still hasn't sorted through yet . there's an assignment only partially done on his laptop , which has long since faded to its swirling idle pattern . they still have to deal with the fallout that's eric's mom . but for now , everything is

                                                      quiet .

[ofheavcn-archived-blog]

@traiitor liked for a starter

    i hope this is the right place ; or else elliot is going to kill me.

    ` hey -- can i ask a dumb question ? `