“ i don't want us to be apart anymore. ever. “ pax n eric 🥺
eric's favorite place had always been his desk . in the stillness of his room , in his favorite sweater , & maybe some tea , with his meticulous notes spread before him . it was the one place where he could sit & all the noise in his brain was finally
quiet .
it might seem lonely to some , but eric had never been lonely . he was just alone . & for a long time , he was fine with that . he loved routine . he loved coming home from class & doing the same thing every night . he loved knowing exactly where things were in his room , when they were , why they were .
but pax .
paxton is unpredictable . pax is the wind ruffling the pages of eric's textbook on cool autumn nights . pax is unmade beds , staying out late , fingertips that are rough on eric's palm . the dive bar eric meets him in is
loud .
eric's favorite place had always been his desk . but somehow --- through no logic found in eric's notes , at least --- it was quickly replaced with pax's couch . or his bed . or anywhere pax is , really . but if he had to choose , he likes huddling under the covers , with pax pressed up against his back , holding him tight in what eric believes is called spooning . pax became part of his routine , along with all the shows , road trips , and kisses that came with it .
eric's mother's voice had always been
loud
in his ear ; do well in school . marry well in life . for me . your mother . eric had always chosen what she had laid out for him . when the time came for him to choose between what she wanted & what he wanted , he couldn't --- so she chose for him .
eric found himself back at his desk after that . he flicked idly through his textbooks , reading the words but retaining none of the information . for a place that had once been his favorite , it didn't feel the same . there was no breeze , even though the window was open . there wasn't pax's random shuffling in the background , undoubtedly trying to do his share of the cleaning . there wasn't the gentle buzz of pax absently plucking his bass . there wasn't the slow , even breaths of pax napping behind him . there wasn't , there wasn't , there wasn't .
a tear blotted the colorful sticky note . that might be the worst part . even in the silence , eric could still hear pax's echo .
had it always been this quiet ?
day after day , the static in his mind seemed to grow . the simplest of tasks suddenly felt impossible : sitting at his desk , with the intent to study , was near herculean .
his room became cluttered . his mother tutted at how you used to be so organized , until recently .
fall faded to winter . eric had been looking for his scarf before he remembered --- oh .
he had stood there , arms limp at his sides .
when eric was a kid , he used to think winter lasted forever --- for a season with the shortest days , sometimes it felt like spring would never come , & he would have to make peace with the bitter wind biting his cheeks every morning .
( but it did end . ) ( ------ & eric & pax begin again . )
they're still taking it slow ---- even a blizzard's worth of snow doesn't melt in a day . but , eric finds pax's rough fingertips walking into his hand again ; he finds a blanket draped over his shoulders when he wakes up from an impromptu study ' break ' ; he finds himself back at the dive bar , adding up all the sales of pax & seamus' merch . most of all , he finds himself in his favorite place again .
❝ ---- hm ? ❞ eric can feel pax's lips moving in his hair . a pleasant sort of chill runs through him ; he always loved how he fit into pax so perfectly when they were in bed together .
❝ i don't want that , either , ❞ eric breathes , closing his eyes . ❝ that like ... sucked , you know ? ❞ he goes for a mirthless sort of chuckle , but squeezes pax's hand regardless . he thinks about pax , where they've been , where they've come from --- & hopefully , where they'll be . ❝ i hate being without you . i want to be where you are , when you are ... all the time . ❞
there's a merch order eric still hasn't sorted through yet . there's an assignment only partially done on his laptop , which has long since faded to its swirling idle pattern . they still have to deal with the fallout that's eric's mom . but for now , everything is
quiet .