Dysphoria rambles
I have this feeling of impending doom. Something really triggering is about to happen any time soon. Dysphoria from having emotions can’t be solved by simply “boys cry as well”. In fact it only makes me feel even worse because I don’t want to be misogynist nor performative.
I’m going to try my hardest to describe what gender envy feels like. When you look at or think of someone, or hear about a specific trait that you don’t have, and it feels like being punched. You can’t bear the sight of them. This sudden, horrible, desperate, aching feeling of longing for that person’s characteristics and pain when acknowledging you do not have those characteristics.
I feel invalid because I feel atypical dysphoria over my enneagram type. One type causes feelings of “i don’t want to be typed as this, it doesn’t align with how i perceive my internal sense of identity” another may cause “I really like being typed as this, this feels more comfortable for who I am, I want to identify with other people typed as this”. When I take the enneagram test on behalf of my OC’s, I notice biases in the ones that give me identity envy (or appreciate in some way without wanting to actually be them) tend to type differently than the ones I don’t want to identify with. Enneagram trans ID's are self explanatory (e.g. PermaSP4, nullSX6, trisSX7, you get the idea)
Even though I’m grateful there’s a trans ID community on Tumblr (its existence made my pain feel so heard, seen and validated for once) I’m reluctant to post or even browse because I can’t stand the sight of other people’s content. I get identity envy, yet from so many different kinds of people, and it makes me feel horrible and inferior to everyone. (edit: never mind, i clicked it anyway. Otherwise i wouldn't be posting this)
I feel dysphoria even over how I write.
I hate that feeling when someone tells you they think you “pass” and claim to perceive you in a way that aligns with your transID but it feels “off”.
Every time I hear someone yell “whore” from outside it hurts so much I feel startled I immediately lose my ability to enjoy anything and I feel intense pain
It's so sad how i've missed out on hobbies (and just living and enjoying life in general ) because of all the time i spend on the internet because of being so triggered all the time (when i am triggered i feel the irresistable urge to use the internet as a cope)