#trans nik

[nikolais-baby-daddy]

Ftm!reader who's recently been stationed at Chimera base while on a recon missions. Which was going fine, reader introducing himself as he/him and chosen name and no one suspected a thing. Or at least that's what reader thought.

A week later when his testosterone started running low and the extra vial being broken when it's pulled out of the mini fridge in the room. It made reader start to slightly panic, he hadn't been off testosterone since he had started taking it. He hide the evidence and started thinking of ways to try and decided to ration the little bit he had left.

At least until he woke up the next morning to a small white tin sitting on his nightstand. Nicotine pounch written on the side. At first reader didn't think nothing of the tin, thought it was a wrong delivery, but after a stressful wake up with a inspection and surprise drills, he decided to try one of these nicotine pouches, only to open the lid and see a note in a beautiful elegant cursive.

Was told you had medicine to take. And that 'medicine' is hard to get in Russia, here is testosterone pouches. Should help if you run out.

Reader almost cried reading the note, thankful to this hidden stranger. That night he finished off the vial he had been rationing, since he hadn't taken a full dose. And in the morning, he put one of the pouches on.

Weeks went by as Reader collected data on a particular konni base. And each week, when the patches started getting low, he'd wake to find a fresh tin.

When he was finally getting to leave, his extra vials finally made it to base. He placed the vials in the fridge, finished packing, and went to sleep. In the morning he was tryna give himself his normal shot, but after weeks of not giving shots, he was having trouble getting the placement right.

Until two larger hands grabbed his and a russian voice spike, "Here let me help."

Nikolai.

The pilot reader had been eyeing since he arrived, he had come up in many conversations back on the TF141 base. The one with kind eyes and a rough smile.

Nikolai held eye contact with reader as he took the shot of testorone from their hands, before he admistered it with ease. Once it was finished, he set the empty syringe on the counter.

"This line of work can be hard for people like you. But if you tell the right people, they can help you. John and his boys, would be very understanding and it would give you a support group. But if you dont want to talk to them..." Nikolai pulled his phone from his pocket and handed it to reader. "Give me your number, you can text and call me."

Reader hesitantly took the phone, flushing a bit at the words. But he saw something shift in the russian's eye before Nikolai started to roll up his sleeve, and that's when it clicked in reader's head. Two phallo scars on Nikolai left forearm, running from wrist to elbow.

[imallergictomyself]

Trans Nik who missed out on all the big parts of his life. Who spent his time from birth up until leaving Russia fearing for his fucking life. Had to spend years dodging the question with Price before spilling it out while drunk in some heap of words. Who’d never spent any real time as himself, rather as some mound of feelings, and words, and concealed grimaces at being called ‘sweetheart’ by bus drivers and baristas.

By the time he’s transitioned to the point he wants to, he’s deeply into his thirties, and, frankly, feels miserable, for all sorts of different reasons.

When he tells Price this, he expects it to be treated like an overreaction. It sure as hell feels like one.

Instead Price asks if Nik would like to take him out on one of those standard dates. He gets to pay, bring the flowers, play all the roles of a perfect man.

It’s stupid. Childish. But he enjoys it nonetheless. The effort, at least.

Begins backtracking more and more, completing all those experiences he never got when he was younger. Price sits and helps the other man shave, teaches him how properly. All the small things.

[on-a-lucky-tide]

hi i started that trans nik fic at the start of this year and then i said i finished it in august and then never actually posted it because i decided i wanted to rewrite it all but i am nearly done!

Excellent news! Don't let the self doubt stop you from sharing.

[on-a-lucky-tide]

been months so idk if you care but i have trans nik thoughts again

thinking about trans nik who, the first time he cut his hair, modelled it after price’s. hoped it was different enough that he wouldn’t notice, but the questioning look he was given for just half a second was enough to tell him he’d failed in that aspect.

but price was the man who had treated him like a human first and foremost, rather than like a piece of shit.

who treated him like a real person

who let him be happy

so why wouldn’t he want a little bit of price shown on himself?

but now price cuts his hair for him instead, carefully, every time. experimented and messed with styles (nikolai spent several months with a mullet, i’m certain), before settling.

maybe he settled on the haircut just because price kissed him afterwards and said he’d never looked more handsome.

he’s not sure, though

Eh, eh, Non. There's nothing wrong with a mullet. It's a very... distinguished haircut.

This is lovely though. I like the idea that trans people initially model themselves after people they love and respect as they try to find their real selves. What are we if not an amalgamation of all our past experiences and loved ones?

I've written a little something something about Nik's hair and how it's meaningful, so this one hits just right.

[on-a-lucky-tide]

guess who’s back… ow bloody hell my face hurts. anyway. shorter than usual.

nik who had a bunch of clothing left over that barely fits him, in more ways than just physically, and didn’t know what to do with it. kate who suggests itd fit her wife better.

cue the ensuing fashion show, kate’s wife biting back a laugh as she walks up and down the length of their living room, nik sat taking up over half of the couch as he gave his critiques. say what you will, the man had good taste.

nikolai almost grieving a little because that was the last thing tethering him to who he was before. but fuck that. he can go back if he wants but he *doesnt* want. and that’s fine. as price tells him repeatedly.

More trans Nik.

Throwing out clothes that used to fit you after your body changes is such a mood. For example, I absolutely do not miss being 90kg, and I pulled on a pair of joggers that I used to wear for comfort and they were big, but I remember feeling so safe in them? Because they were soft, warm and shapeless. Slightly different emotions, I guess, because I had fuck all style.

But passing the clothes on to someone who can love them? Epic. Like how trans men and trans women sometimes talk about how they wish they could "gift" the bits they don't like to someone who would appreciate them, y'know?

[imallergictomyself]

Nikolai fighting and fighting to undo every impact of his environment. His past.

It started with his name. Nik never really cared for the old one anyway, it never fit, and it’s not too different now. Sure, he uses a code name, but it fits him more than any other name ever did.

He taught himself more languages. He’s proud to be Russian, always will be, but he wants options. Especially given how often he has to move. The sheer amount he’s learnt, it’s something he’s dedicated years to.

And he transitioned. Slowly, but surely, a near-silent confession to the man who had arguably saved his life and hormones years later. He’d always known it — never shown it until then. Surgeries that he showed off proudly.

And it wasn’t too hard to change a marker on a passport that didn’t exist previously, was it?

Changed every single thing about himself. Clothes and name and face and body and mind and profession, and he finds himself doubting if he’s the same person who enlisted years and years prior.

But does it matter?

Because here he is, now, sat in the cockpit of a helo he’d been gifted, and he couldn’t be happier.

And that’s the same message he repeats when he’s on one knee in front of a man he’d known nearly twenty years, who watched every moment of his growth, watched him struggle for years before becoming the man he is today.