I use he/they now. Chill. Cool. Here’s a long analysis of why.
I went to a Janelle Monae concert on Friday. And there was basically pride but in super concentrated format, and filtered to be purely the cool people, staring the actual elected queen of bisexuals, long may she reign. And I got to thinking about masculinity.
I’ve been weird about asking people to use he pronouns at all because I don’t think I feel all the way like a man. I still like heels. I still like elaborate costuming, and crop tops, and really reveling in the way I look. And I feel kind of frumpy a lot of the time in men’s clothes. Then, I realized a few things are totally things that I believe, but I just, like, don’t actually believe them because internalized gender bullshit.
I’ve been scared about using he pronouns because I have this weird fetishization of masculinity going on where I don’t actually think that trans men are valid in their identity if they do shit like wear heels. Which, holy shit, isn’t true. That’s super problematic. I’m literally perpetuating this idea that masculinity is a small box that can’t include any kind of, like, feelings or softness or vanity. Men can wear heels. That doesn’t make them not-men.
I’ve also been weird about using he pronouns because I feel like masculinity is a small box, defined largely by being entirely inside of the box, and if I feel at all like I might be partially outside of that box, I don’t get the privilege of calling myself in the box. Which is also super problematic and shitty. I’ve been treating he pronouns as a reward that I can theoretically earn by doing Being A Man all the way and correctly and like ??? That’s such a fucked up thing?
I’m testing it out with some folks who I trust to see how it feels, and how much shit people who also feel like masculinity is some sort of prestigious badge of honor that they get to revoke because I’m not being Trans Enough TM.