(July 12)
Mom found out again in a roundabout way…one of my friends texted me congratulating me, not realizing that she would read it…needless to say, we got in another fight this morning and I pleaded and begged like her precious little girl…I hate this. I hate this so much. But she says she’s keeping me home for college now because I’m not confident in myself. Of course I’m not. I have to hide behind my birthname and act like she would act…not like who I am. That’s why she says I’m not confident. But I am. Just not as she would like me to be. She says it hurts her, me wanting to change my name and I get that part but there is a time when I have to be my own person. She says she doesn’t control me…little does she know that that is all she has done.
As of this afternoon, I am feeling much better, more calm and serene, especially after reading my Bible a bit on break. God would not have made me this way if He did not have a plan for me, and I must trust in Him and that He will protect me, no matter where this path takes me. I do trust Him. He has protected me this far and loved me…and I love Him. I will continue to pray for guidance and peace in my mother’s heart, that one day she may understand why I am the way I am. One day, I hope she will see that I have always loved her, and what I have done has been for her own protection. She doesn’t need to protect me. But I do need to protect her. After a stressful day at work, I ended the day well. I made some jalapeño poppers and then went over to my uncle's for dinner. Mom and dad were decent on the ride down, even though they did tease me quite a bit. Dinner was delicious, and even though it was technically my cheat day to eat whatever I wanted - I had bread for the first time in two weeks - dinner was more paleo style than I was expecting, and it was fantastic. Grilled zucchini is the best! Following the meal my uncle and I shopped for cars online before we all went outside to play around with the four wheelers. I rose around with dad for a bit before I tried it myself, having never driven something that was manual before. I only stalled twice and got my leg burned even though I didn't touch the motor. It was fun, though. I drove home since both mom and dad had been drinking, and I am ending day 1288 in bed with my dog. It was shitty at first, but it turned out well in the end. My friend tried to cover for me, but mom is not believing the story and trying to force me to out myself, to tell her the truth. I'm not going to do it. I don't know if I ever will do it after this, or if I'll just live a secret life away from her as I have done for most of my life already. I'm not going to out myself to her completely when she is still on the fence about me being bisexual, and would rather have be straight, anyways. She's always said, no matter what depressed, addled me said, to take the easy route. Follow boys. Don't "transition." Stay with your birth name. But I say, pardon my French, fuck that. I am my own person, and I will live my life as I goddamn please. I am tired of hiding. Another day has passed, and another day means closer to my full transition.
