I DECIPHERD THE CONTRACT PAGE..
You are now twenty one grams lighter
This contract is legal and binding.
We reserve the right to use your likeness, face, voice and small town place in whatever nefarious manner is deemed necessary.
Sans soul, your soul mate will not recognize you and will walk right past you on a cold autumn day, never making eye contact, not even processing you have eyes at all. no amount of interaction will move them to a place where they can remember. In feeling, the thousands of lifetimes you have already spent together, each time choosing whatever form would keep you closest like otters holding hands in a tumultuous river. You were birds, you were trees with roots entangled, drinking in the sunlight together. "Wherever we go next, whatever you choose, I will always be there with you." That's done, buddy. Congratulations! You have chosen Bill instead.
McDonald's reserves the right to put a giant yellow M on your torso and forehead and send you running through a crowded times square while you scream "The fries! The fries! They don't degrade in nature!!! It's an immortal food!!! They will be in the landfills long past our deaths!"
Good God, the things I've seen, me? Who I am? Oh I'm Bill's previous lawyer, he put my soul in a quill pen so I can write him legal documents until the sun snuffs out like a candle in this sick universe. I used to be so hot, I was so fine, now I'm fine print. Speaking of which!
Bill reserves the right to put your soul into an inanimate object, a strange creature, a concept, a sentence, a tasteful but rustic mason jar with wildflowers in it. If at any point you wish to have visitation rights with your soul, you will be swiftly denied, unless you have a cool day planned for the both of you, then Bill might want to come along!
By signing this document you forfeit any rights to eat soul food, it will turn to ash in your mouth, a fitting punishment for a fool who squandered the only true gift life owes you.
Bill reserved the rights to dress your soul however deems necessary, especially if your soul was a nerd before acquisition, Soulmakeoverrr! Your soul may become fractured and placed into different objects, this has no purpose and will not resurrect you if you die.
Signee has forfeited all rights to any afterlife, including but not limited to: Heaven, hell, purgatory, big corner, flow state, the dream house, the reincarnation processing center, axolotls tank and consequences hole.
Signee can no longer board the soul train and is advised to discard all bell bottoms. signee can no longer have a puppy as best friend, they can sense what is gone. Cats are indifferent.
Signee may experience occasional demon possesion from Horcukus the Red, Plabos the Merciless, Morbus son of Mortem, Plagga the Oozing and other such common demons roaming earth searching for weakend, empty vessels.
Tips for ripping your soul out at home: Watching youtube commentary channels, attending on extended family with an open bar, using generative AI and asserting that you are creative, turning a blind eye to human suffering, amassing more wealth than needed purchasing a blue checkmark.
this took me like 6 hours in total my brain is fried
