Travels and Dancing and Life 23
Since there are less travels in this season of life, I decided to add an important piece to the title. Well, you’d have to have been following me in details for years to notice and care about a difference, which I think makes two of you, but! Details are important. (and punctuating your texts however the hell you want to.) You’re welcome.
I left you last time with my move into my super handsome, awesome boyfriend’s place. Well, it’s still awesome. I foresee a lifetime of happiness for me. Finally. I told him he was stuck with me unless he left. Lucky man. Anyway, I had a gig planned in Spokane. What an interesting place! I can most definitely say that it’s not a place I particularly knew of or that I had on my list of places to visit, but I had a blast. As always, how can you not when you travel to do the thing you love, meeting people who have the same passion and are so eager to welcome you in their community? My best friend Kim drove down from British-Colombia, Canada to meet me two days early so we could spend some time. I was so happy to see her, yet, something was off. We both left a bit disappointed. I was wondering if it was possible to have grown apart after being friends for more than half your life??? It was pretty harsh. Kim wrote me a month after to clear the air and I’m happy she did: I didn’t know she felt the same… I think I was just so exhausted from a summer running around trying to make up for lost time after my surgery, that I didn’t have any empathic bone left in my body and was so on edge that nobody could get to me and connect. Now that I think about it, I had seen a great longtime friend of mine during the summer and it was the same kind of off vibe: you know when you’re the common denominator…
After she left, I started teaching privates and workshops to the westies of Spokane. It is a small, welcoming and warm community. We had one dance and the next night we went to the last opened night of a gastropub owned by one of the dancer. I was served a delicious vegan meal prepared specially for me; it was delicious! I had the chance to explore town and Pig in the park with food and music and it was the 50th anniversary of Expo74. What a treat. The last night, we were invited to Arbor Crest winery. It is a beautiful winery located on a hill, overlooking the city. We had the chance to see a concert, drink delicious wine and have a private tour of the property. I couldn’t imagine a better ending to a weekend!
The weekend after, I had kept free to be able to be at one of my boyfriend’s best friend’s marriage. Wow. That was hard to write. Alex had a beautiful group of about ten guy friends that have known each other since high school, Cegep or their early twenties and they managed to see each other every other week, plan chalets, do birthdays and be there for important step stones. I wish I had that… but I understand I left and travelled and picked another life that didn’t allow for that type of connections and habits to be built. I think mostly habits. When I came back to Montreal, it wasn’t because I wanted to be there, it was because I was ready to step in a new part of my life where relationships are more important than work. I was hoping to maybe find a love relationship, but certainly to work on friendships, family connections, and community. Well, turns out most everybody that asked me to come back throughout the years and that were missing me are too busy to see me. It makes sense: the way we have constructed life in North America is non-stop busyness. So, you run around to work, trying to take care of your family, hoping you have time for a couple workouts and, who knows, a hobby, and by the end of the week, you’re exhausted and you need a break, which you only get if you’re lucky. You try to maintain a couple friendships with people who have been there for you through the years, and… I’m not part of that, I was gone. That includes my family. Do I regret coming back? Not yet. ;-) I understand that the relationships I thought would be are not it and that I have to focus on new ones; I found my partner; I’m there for my family through news of cancer, other disease, accidents, financial hurdle (it’s been quite a year since I’m back);I have a couple of friends I hang out with that I love; and I’m putting efforts towards the community. I believe I get what I deserve and for now that means I need to put effort in showing the traits of characters that people didn’t know me to have before: being a community person, working on interdependence, teamwork, reliability, and much more. I hope after almost two years as I wrote this letter, people are starting to see it.
All that to say that I went to a wedding! Lol I called it the first “real” wedding I went to a few times, and one of my friend asked me: “What is a real wedding?”, to which I enumerated a few qualities. My boyfriend then said: “But you went to yours.” Ouch. Ok. Lollll Point taken. Anyways, it was a beautiful wedding, in a cozy venue. It poured down, but everybody played well. They brought the ceremony inside, the vows were beautiful, the cocktails were on point, they had really cool games, and most importantly: PEOPLE DANCED! How lucky am I/are we (if you are in the same situation, which I assume if you are reading this) to have friends that dance? I would be so sad if all my activities were sitting and consuming things. I love the fact that my friends will dance, sing, scream stupidity, come to a burlesque show with me, throw axes, do karaoke, and EXPERIENCE life! Honestly, that’s what makes it worth it for me (and I’m realizing it as I write it). I don’t want to watch life pass me by like an old person sitting on a porch, watching people walk by like the never ending flow of a river you never step foot in; I want to live it! I want to jump in the river and make a fool of myself, get messy, meet other swimmers, and see where it takes us. Who knew retelling a wedding would make me poetic like this?
Months before this, a woman wrote me to have a private lesson at an event. Great! Have you danced before? You’re from out of town? I have danced before, never wcs, and I live in Yellowknife! It was a really nice encounter, we had a beautiful lesson and we parted ways. She contacted me again as she was passing by Montreal to have a lesson. We had a good time, she left, and she asked me if I wanted to come teach lessons in Yellowknife. Absolutely! Wow, there is wcs in Yellowknife??? No… but there will be. So a couple of things before we keep going. First, if you don’t know where YK is, it’s wayyyy north in Canada… which is already north. Second, if you don’t know me, I don’t like the cold. I didn’t want to come back to Canada mainly for this: I don’t want to go through winters again (last one was pretty tame I must say). I like warm weather, sun on my skin, heat. So I would never think of going north for a vacation. When I heard that people were paying more than 2000$ to go north in the off chance that they’d see a northern light… I couldn’t relate less. Nonetheless, I will always say yes to being invited somewhere new, to teach and explore. I landed in a beautiful, sunny YK, and I had to go take a nap. My body was still recuperating apparently. I woke up to go eat fish at the most known local place: Bullock’s. It looks like a shack from the outside… and well, honestly from the inside too. They have fish with fries and salad or fish with fries and salad or fish with fries and salad… well, you get the gist. I normally don’t eat fish: I’m mostly vegan, but when in Rome… It was delicious and a great experience. I saw the harbor and went to bed, absolutely forgetting to put an alarm through the night to see northern lights because I was so tired and I wanted to be at my best for teaching! The next day, I had privates and workshops all day, followed by a nice dinner at a Thai restaurant and a dance with the courageous people who had just learned wcs for hours on the same day and decided to show up and boogie! I just love that energy! I went back home thinking I would put an alarm and decided to see some lights, the forecast was good. Right before I went to bed, the organizer wrote me and said: “Go outside, there is a show.” And a show it was! Wow! I can’t explain the feeling. I knew auroras moved, but not like that: they actually dance! I had seen the faintest of one in Island for my birthday a few years back, and they had told me that wasn’t it, but I was still impressed, not knowing what it could me. Now that? That was… magical. 2000$ to see that??? Yes. Absolutely. I get it now. And that was just from my balcony downtown, imagine from the forest with no city lights at all! The next day was filled with privates with amazing people. The organizer had told me she was going to set up privates for me, but I had thought: with who? Everybody is new, they just have done a four hours intensive the day before, their brains are going to be full. Apparently people are as passionate up there as anywhere else, or they are bored cause there is nothing else to do… to be confirmed. I might be mixing the days, but that night, we went to two of the dancers place and they had cooked probably the most delicious vegan lasagna I have ever had, garlic bread, we had brought delicious ice cream from a local shop, good wine. It was a blast. The organizer had asked me if homemade food was ok for the weekend or if I preferred restaurant. Are you kidding? I feel so taken care of and honored when people cook for me: homemade food anytime (except maybe if the person cooks like me then restaurant might be better).
I had one day left to explore and best believe I made the most of it! I started with a walk through town (downtown is a big word for this place really) to go get a warm local coffee. I then went to the Prince of Wales museum, which has a free entrance, and tells you the history of the North West Territories (Canada has provinces and territories like USA has states). I walked the long walkway around one of the lake through town, went through old town, climbed the tiny hill to get a view of the harbor, and the organizer came to pick me up for a hike. I have to admit I was expecting a strenuous hike and was mentally prepared for it: it was anything but arduous, but extremely beautiful. A walk through the woods, giant rocks (I love rocks), a view of Cameron’s falls, crossing the river on a bridge, laying on rocks with the sound of the water while eating chocolate. Perfect. We came back for me to have a massage I scheduled with the boyfriend of one of the girl who was visiting from Quebec! It was delicious. We ate pizza and then… I had mentioned that I loved exploring and that if something comes up, I’ll do it, but that I was extremely scared of water especially at night and not really at ease in general with the outdoors, something I want and am working on. For example, going on a big hike, in the middle of nowhere, by myself is more stress inducing than soothing. So we went kayaking, at night, on the main lake where people have boat houses. We paddled to a floating sauna!!! Built by one of the local. You get there, park your kayak on the edge of the 2 feet platform, take some wood from the back, start a fire inside the wooden cabin that is so well insulated that after 10m you sweat like a pig, you then jump in the lake to refresh yourself (which I was also afraid of lake sharks as we joked about), and when you come out… you are in the middle of the lake, nobody around, and there is a freaking light show above your head! The lights came out again for my last night. One looked like a dome above us. It was really magical (I know I’ve used that same word earlier to describe the same thing, but that’s what it is. I guess I could have said majestic also. The two majestic things I saw in my life were: northern lights and swimming five feet away from a whale and her baby.) I can say that trip was a success on all fronts.
Being home. Having a home (I was on the road travelling and living out of my suitcase for years before that) has the advantage that you can have people over. So I had my second housewarming party in a year (faithful to my habits, I had been in Montreal for a year and a half at that point, but already live in three different houses/apartments/condos). People from both sides of my family were there, some close friends and it was a blast. The next day, I threw my boyfriend and the dog out for a girl’s day with a Eros presentation. It was a lot of fun and although it lasted six hours; it was too short to catch up on everything we needed to tell each other. I also had the chance to bring my partner to the concert of his favorite artist visiting Montreal: Kygo. I didn’t know I liked him before and couldn’t see the point in going to see a DJ live, but the show was really well put together, interesting, full of visuals, and great surprises. I’m putting all the weekends home in a bunch, but between those occasions, and being present for friends and family members birthdays, which I haven’t been in years because I was gone… that’s what makes the decision to come back and stay in one place worth it. I have been travelling less than I’d like to just for a month as I’m writing this and I’m already feeling it. So it’s definitely something I have to be careful with moving forward, to make sure I keep that side alive.
Another weekend I had booked off six months in advance to make sure I could show up for it, was a chalet with all the women on one side of my family. I left earlier on Friday to walk at the Rawdon’s falls area and read my book laying on some boulders (I told you I liked rocks, they are always warm and welcoming… I have a weird relationship with them I guess. I can’t be the only one, no?). I got to the chalet early and read some more while waiting for the crew to arrive. It’s so important to spend time between women, interesting discussions arise that wouldn’t in another context. We made the meals together, ate great food, talked into the night, sang karaoke until 2am, had a lot of wine, celebrated one of the girl’s birthday, and went for a hike. It all fell way too short, but still satisfying.
Montreal Westie Fest was next in line. I hadn’t done an event in a while, the last one was New England Dance Festival at the beginning of August. I do a lot of weekend workshops lately, they are better financially, but events are better for visibility. I get sad lately wondering what happened to my career. I mean, before CoCo, I was travelling all over the world every weekend. Years ago, in a partnership with Stephen, but for years after that as a solo female professional. Covid happened and I didn’t have a partner to create with and post on social media, so I created a bunch of offers for solo followers, I trained in pole and aerial to stay fit, I kept teaching online… but when things picked up again, nothing. And I have to admit, I don’t want to be gone every weekend like I did before, but one or two a month would be perfect with the business I’m building in Montreal also. But it’s like if somewhere along the line, I’ve lost my value for events. Even if I know I am a great teacher, when people see and experience my teaching in group lessons, workshops or privates, they hire me for more; that point doesn’t seem to count as valuable for events. I am not on social media enough to be seen, I don’t have a partner I create and inspire people with, if there is an Invitational division, I will put up a show and generally place, but if it is a Champion division, my name doesn’t make it to the finals, so I don’t get to showcase anything. I miss having a partner. I miss creating at my level, inspiring people, getting inspired myself, making a difference in the dance and being part of its evolution. But maybe that ship has sailed. Let me know if you’ve read until now if you have ideas for me to add value to the international community (I am doing a lot locally, which is new for me, and working very well). All that to say, MWF was a blast as always. I topped my record of privates in an event weekend (18!). I could have done more, but had to say no, which I hate doing, but I physically couldn’t. Workshops went great, the dancing was on point, the all-American JnJ was a blast and I definitely went off in the Invitational. If you know, you know.
I had more occasions of being with friends at home, my friends, Alex’s friends, visiting someone’s new house in Ste-Adèle, going to Christmas Markets with my best friends and seeing an epic Quebecer band live. I also am the queen of finding free events to attend. So with a couple friends, we had the chance to see the international final of a Spoken word contest… for free! My friend’s kid was amazing. After a few performances, he turned to us and said: “When does it start?” Ok, the spoken words art wasn’t a success with the kids, but with the adults, yes! I also got us tickets for the recording of a show, which is basically a live concert with epic Quebecer artist: Valaire, Boom Desjardins, Dubmatique, Laura Malia, Aswell… two hours of great music, some drinks, my friends getting pulled on stage to dance, and we finished the evening at one of my friend’s place where his wife was having a party. Oh what a night! I went to a line dance competition in a small town in Quebec and had a taste of the beautiful country dance culture we have around here. I finally saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show! I organized more guided practice for Montreal westies, I taught group lessons, workshops, intensives and privates in town, and I organized my first Westie Café! I had been wanting to do that for a year: a Sunday afternoon dance for those who can’t come out at night because of work schedule, kids, and preferences. We have an hour of class, and two hours of dancing. I serve coffee, fruits, pastries, people can bring their kids, we talk, we dance and we connect. It has been a success the first couple times and I hope it continues like that!!
For Halloween, I was in Toronto with one of my favorite person: Nelson Clarke! Anytime I can, I try to get him with me on contracts or just be around him because I know it’s going to be a great weekend. The organizer and many people there were also friends, since I live in Toronto for the majority of 2022. I was teaching an intermediate workshop on Friday by myself. I got there and there were… about 18 followers and 1 lead?! The theme of the class was call and answer. Loll Let me tell you, I had to do a last minute reset so everybody could dance their role, practice and learn something. Saturday was packed with privates and workshops with Nelson, and we ended on Sunday morning with the advanced dancers. It was a quick and busy weekend and I was hungry all the time… which brings us to the next part.
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TRIGGER WARNING
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I came back from the weekend and still didn’t have my period (I know, random topic to bring out). We had done fertility testing with my partner during the year and the results weren’t really bright. So we organized ourselves, I had to clear my schedule for a few months to be in town, and we had to save money to start IVF. That was the only possibility in having kids… So Monday morning comes, I am really late, I also know it’s impossible for me to get pregnant, it’s a bit confusing, but I decide to do a pregnancy test despite everything, knowing it would be negative. Well, it wasn’t. My partner and I were so confused and also elated. And I had no clue what to do. I had spent the last few months researching in every minute of free time, every book, every podcast, every article, I could get my hands or ears on about fertility, in the hopes of understanding the 10 000 medical terms thrown at us, and hoping it helped us to make the best decision possible; but I hadn’t researched anything about what to do when you’re pregnant. I took another test to be sure, they were both positive in a second, I called some people who told me to get on a waitlist for daycares (the waitlists are years long in Quebec), and for birthing houses if that’s what I wanted to do. We couldn’t get a hold of any doctor to get any appointments for a follow-up (thank you free healthcare), but we finally had an appointment for December. I started doing research, thinking of reorganizing the house, making lists of what we’d need, imagining having an argument with my teenage kid in a few years’ time, being happy I wasn’t at The Open, because initially I was supposed to be doing fertility, but now it was even better: I wasn’t there because I had a little chia seed growing in my belly!
Some of you know, you feel like shit or all sorts of things in the first trimester, but you’re happy to feel like shit because it’s for a greater cause. A few weeks after that, I started to feel better physically… ok… is that good or terrible? I am happy to feel better, but worried it means something is off. You do research, they say it’s normal, you don’t necessarily have symptoms in the first trimester… but I had… Then, one day, I had some light pink on the toilet paper after going to the bathroom. They say it’s normal, it can happen. Online I mean, cause there are still no doctors available to talk to. So you wait and try to breather and tell yourself not to freak out, that everything is ok. Two days later, I have bad cramps, I go to the bathroom and there is a lot of blood. I’m panicking. It’s the night, no point in sitting in the emergency room and wait for twelve hours (not an exaggeration in Quebec) while I’m bleeding, we’ll call in the morning. I just had a place in a birthing house. We get an appointment, they say they can’t see, they’ll send us to the hospital for an ultrasound. I’m bleeding, they need to draw blood, but nobody can get the vein: fours nurses, one clinic and an hospital, nine missed draw and one successful one. I see that something is off at the ultrasound, nobody wants to tell me: the doctor will tell you. Back for another appointment at the clinic: maybe you just did a mistake in the dates. Yes, but I’m bleeding and cramping and I don’t see a foetus on the ultrasound. We’ll do more tests. A week and a half, ten blood draws, nine missed ones, ten clinic and hospital appointments, six ultrasounds, liters of blood, my body not managing to expulse, having to take the pills that create horrendous pain (well, you’re having contractions like if you’re giving birth, except you don’t have the happy outcome to look forward to. Btw, for those who are against abortions, I wouldn’t have had to be able to have the treatment my body needed if I was in a place were that was illegal). One more scraping, one more ultrasound, to make sure everything is out, one and a half week or work missed with no income, having to deal with the physical pain, and now it’s time to catch back on all the missed work, so no time to process. And now I have to watch The Open with a flat belly and not knowing what just happened. I’m so happy there were three routines I choreographed and coached that made podiums because… it was a rough one. Now, I don’t know how I feel. I still haven’t had time to process. I need a break. Maybe I’ll get one for the Holidays.
Moral support:
To end this, I want to say that there are always two ways (or more) to view things and to present them. When I post on social media, I want it to be helpful, informational and/or spread positivity and joy. Sometimes life is not all that.
So I could present my year in two ways:
2024: traveling, dancing, meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends, being there for my family, meeting the love of my life and moving in, getting pregnant, being part of a community and helping it grow.
2024: removal of a wisdom tooth that went poorly, infection, loss of income, sickness, cancer in the family, financial problem in the family, surgery and another loss of income, no partner for the Open, no dancing at my level, exhaustion, a miscarriage and another loss of income, feeling like I’ve lost my worth in the community.
Neither one is right, neither one is wrong. We obviously choose what we want to present to the world, but we have to choose how we look at things and encompass everything. It’s often easier to remember the bad, our brains somehow want to imprint it more than the good, but we also have to take it into account. No life is perfect, everybody makes life choices and consequences come with it. There are also seasons of luck and seasons where we are extremely unlucky that have nothing to do with decisions we made (I don’t think anybody deserves to be sick or lose a loved one). So next time you look at someone’s life on social media and you think that you would like to be in their shoes, remember two things: first, their shoes are also full of shit; second, if there are elements of that person’s life you really want in yours, work to rearrange that part of your life so you have it!
Thank you for everyone who’s been there for me and with me this year. You know who you are and I love you.