Aug 28, 2020
Why do I have to think about that now? Why do I have to think about him now? I don't want to think about him like this, dad said it's wrong and it's gross and I'm not allowed to. I can't go against him, he's my dad, he runs the church AND the cult, what am I going to do against them, let alone him?
Why can't I be better? Why couldn't I be straight like a good boy. Being trans was bad enough, I can't put that pressure and terror onto my mom again. It's my fault she isn't here with us anymore, yet she visits for me. She visits ME, not dad. I'm the cause of her pain, how can she stand me?
How can she stand me, of all people? How can he stand me? How can they stand me? How can I stand me, let alone... How... How can he stand me?