#trigger warning grief

[alchemysoulx]

OUR SECRET — MYG

chapter eight

Summary: You and Yoongi are having an affair. No, you are not being his lover. But the world is not ready to know that an idol is dating someone. So you two were doing your best to make sure no one found out. Until he breaks up with you. His mistake.

Notes:

Trigger Warning: Grief, loss of a child. Lots of angst in this chapter guys, be prepared.

chapter seven chapter nine (final)

You had never imagined what it would be like to have a child. Not before seeing a positive pregnancy test shortly after breaking up with the potential love of your life. The funny thing is, you thought that breaking up with him would be incredibly painful. It actually took you two weeks to gather the courage to break up with Yoongi. You couldn't find a way to end something that had been so important to you until then. But then you found out you were pregnant, and suddenly, Yoongi didn't seem like the most important thing anymore. In fact, you found out that you were more important. You didn't tell anyone until you decided what to do with your situation. You thought about giving the baby up for adoption, wondered if you really wanted to continue the pregnancy, if you wanted to be someone's mother. Until your belly started to grow, you began to feel like a mother even before having a child in your arms. You didn't tell anyone until you decided what to do with your situation. You thought about giving the baby up for adoption, wondered if you really wanted to continue the pregnancy, if you wanted to be someone's mother. Until your belly started to grow, you began to feel like a mother even before having a child in your arms.

"What happened?" You ask as you notice you're in a hospital bed surrounded by machines and important wires. Yoongi is surprised to see you awake. He looks worn out too. Eyes full of dark circles, swollen face.

"You had a hemorrhage. And you lost consciousness. I was so afraid of losing you, you have no idea." Yoongi says, holding your hand. You watch him start to get emotional, you even try to hug him but can't.

"I can't move properly with all these machines on me. But know that I would like to hug you right now. I really would. And our daughter? Where is she?" You ask, getting a little nervous.

"She... she was beautiful. So beautiful. I swear she reminded me so much of you. She was so fragile, so as soon as she was born, the doctors did everything they could to help her survive. But our daughter... she didn't make it." Yoongi speaks with a shaky voice as if he can't say out loud what happened. You however failed to understand how this could happen. She was healthy, you loved her, you two were waiting for her. She already had a family. It already had a name. In your head, she already had a little face.  As you thought about your daughter, tears began to stream down your eyes. And a pain hit you. The pain of loss.

"But, we did everything... as it should be. We went to the doctor, we bought clothes, we were learning to live as a family. She can't not be here." Saying that was like a punch in your stomach. You felt like your world was shaking. As you cried, Yoongi held your hand with some firmness.

"The medical team did everything they could. But it was a delicate situation. Our baby did her best while she could, I can tell you that. The doctors said that sometimes, unfortunately, some babies don't survive. And that we shouldn't blame ourselves, there was nothing that could be done differently. " Yoongi is clearly trying to be strong for you. 

"Did you see her? What did our little princess look like?" You say feeling your eyes start to get blurry from crying. Your real desire was to scream, to beg for this to be a nightmare. 

"Her nose was like yours, her lips too. She took her eyes from me but the rest was you. I was able to hold her while she..." You began to imagine what it would be like to see your daughter.  Hold her on your lap, feed her. 

"Do you think we're being punished? For wanting to start this off as a lie?" You ask, crying even harder. Yoongi then hugged you as best as he could. 

"No. I think our little princess did her job here and went to rest. None of this is our fault." Yoongi speaks softly, comforting you and you manage to put your head under his chest, looking for reassurance. After that you don't even remember when you stopped crying. She only remembers the emptiness she felt in the following weeks while waiting to be released from the hospital.   

Some time later...

"Thank you for coming to pick me up from the hospital. Going home alone would be really bad." You say, placing your toiletry bag inside the suitcase that Yoongi brought for you.

"We're married. I'll stay by your side until you don't want me to." Yoongi says, helping you with your suitcase and guiding you to the hospital reception.  

"Still. You've been a support, husband, since we lost our most prized possession." You say as you’re getting into Yoongi’s car, who is obviously in disguise. We don't want reporters finding out about all this, or invading this moment.

"I'll take you to a place. Before we go home, of course." Yoongi says while driving seriously. You haven't had much spirit after what happened so you just shake your head positively. You didn't even think much about where he was planning to go. Until you noticed you were getting close to a cemetery and instantly knew what you were going to do.

"Do you think I'm ready to..." You say fearfully but Yoongi turns to you, helping you take off your belt.

"I think if you don't do this, you'll feel worse. Saying goodbye is an essential part of moving on." Yoongi speaks as he guides you to where your daughter is buried.

"What if I can't move on?" You ask as you walk next to Yoongi. 

"Then I will accompany you." Yoongi says and then holds your hand. It’s a gentle, gentle act that makes you feel like you can find comfort with Yoongi. You arrive in front of your daughter's tombstone. You're amazed at how Yoongi managed to handle everything about your daughter's funeral while you were in the hospital.

"Our girl is here. I hope she knows she was loved by her parents." You say, looking at Yoongi tenderly, hoping to find the same feeling in his eyes. A feeling that you still don't know what it is but you know that if anyone will understand you it's Yoongi. 

"She knows." Yoongi says, still holding your hand and stroking it. You look at your daughter's tombstone and place a blanket on top of her, which you bought for when she was born.

"Mommy bought this blanket to bring you home. So I'm going to leave this blanket with you, my daughter." You speak to your daughter's tombstone. Then you and Yoongi head towards your house.

[jongluvforever]

Read if you can...

tw: grief

I came across this blogpost on Twitter and its about grief. As Shawols, I know we are all on this journey together but not all of us know how to put it into words. I thought the author did a good job as it spoke to me and my need to want to express myself but not know how.

http://www.alyssalimperis.com/real-talk/2018/8/3/a-note-on-grief

[adventureswithartie]

It would have been my Dad's birthday today. & exactly one year to the day since his funeral. I'm tired today. Very tired.

[adventureswithartie]

Ridiculously pregnant, taking on the role my mother would have taken by cutting your hair. I became the person who did this for you; who cut your hair when it got too long and messy. I was so stupidly heavily pregnant but this picture and the care and intimacy and love shown here is quite incredible. I miss this. I miss you.

[adventureswithartie]

To our dad, who wasn't my biological father, but who taught me what a father was meant to be. I love you, I miss you. I cannot believe it has been a whole year since you left us. The hole you have left in our lives is so great, it is impossible to fill. Your stoic, brave, funny way of being and of loving us was something quite incredible. We were always the most important thing to to you. Your life revolved around your family. I wish we had more time. I wish my son had more time to learn about what it meant to have you in his life.

[adventureswithartie]

Results

I realised I hadn't written about this!

I got my biopsy results back on Monday and good news... I don't have cancer. The patch was caused by some kind of trauma (it was a keratosis). They want me to be checked regularly and keep an eye on it and have booked me in for two operations to have my wisdom teeth out later in the year. It was such a relief. Husband came with me for the appointment. We were both really anxious but trying to hide it from each other.

It was a horrible experience - going back to a hospital, waiting for results, wondering if in a few moments your life would change. Our family did this with my mum first and then my Dad. My sister and I would both try to protect one another and try not to show our fear. We would have to be strong for our family and yet be terrified of the future.

It's odd. Leading up to appointment I had somehow felt calm at times. Wondering that if I were ill and if I died, would I see my mum again? Would I see my dad? And then I would suddenly be petrified of leaving my son. My husband. My sister.

Before my sisters wedding I was looking for some photos of my grandmother (my mums mother who died when I was around 2 years old from lung cancer when she was in her early 50's). I have a memory; though I'm not sure how authentic it is. I held her hand as she laid in bed, the curtains and bedding were pink and it was a bright day and sun shone through a kink in the curtains. My mum cared for her mother when she died and despite me being very young, did it quite alone. It was extremely difficult for my mum. I didn't always understand my mums grief - on anniversaries or Christmas or sometimes just random days - when my mum would feel so sad, missing her mother. That never went away for my mum. It took losing my own mother for me to understand that. In the box of photographs, I found a letter that my grandmother wrote to my mum. She said in the letter that "I feel god has given me this time to say these things to you". My grandma told my mum how much she loved her, how much she loved me and how she wished she would see my mums babies grow up (this was before my sister was born.)

Reading a diary of my mums (I'm so glad she kept these and I'm glad I write diaries myself - I want Arthur to have these pieces of me, these insights into my life and love and struggles when I am not here anymore), my mum wrote that she was not afraid to die. She longed to see her mum. She was afraid to leave my sister and I. But she wanted her mum. When I first read it, I'll admit, I felt a little hurt. I wanted my sister and I to be her main motivation. But I understand it now. It didn't make her love me and my sister any less, like it doesn't make me love Arthur any less. Grief is a very very odd thing and there are no clear instructions on how to grieve. It's almost 2 years since she died. Two years since I have seen her. It's almost been one year since my dad died. I don't understand where that time has gone. Grief changes - I hold my shit together, I can miss my mum and Dad and think about them without feeling that awful crushing chest pain and I don't cry. I can function. I can live. I can laugh. I am happy. But life is different. Every celebration, every good day, every bad day is tainted because of missing them.

My sister just got married. I couldn't separate the happy day with the sadness of loss and the ache that my sister didn't have my mum and dad there at her wedding.

I'm not religious. I don't believe in God. Sometimes I wish I did - I wish I had that faith of a higher power, a reason. I wish I thought there was something more. I wish I see them again. I hope I see them again.

But the way my mum died, the way my mum dealt with her mother dying, she taught me a great lesson. The way I always felt connected to the grandmother I'm not sure I have any real memories of is the same gift I want to give to Arthur. I want to keep her alive through him. I want him to know just how much his grandfather loved him - how he gave him a focus and reason to live. I want my sister and I to teach our children about that love - that absolute devotion I know my parents would have had to our family. I want to teach A the lesson of honesty and saying goodbye. Of saying the things that need to be said. Of trying to live without regret.

I know sometimes I write too much about grief. After all, this is a mumblr/parenting blog. But it is also my outlet and one that has helped me significantly. My parents have a huge impact on me and my daily life and daily parenting decisons. It is hard not to tell the story of my parents. It is difficult not to explain about what they did for me.

[adventureswithartie]

Feeling sorry for myself

I'm poorly and sick and can't get off the toilet. I miss husband. I'm worried about him. I also dreamt about my mum last night - I was angry and kept shouting at her for dying and she kept apologising and stroking my face and telling me that she desperately didn't want to leave me. And now I can't stop crying this morning. Arthur is being amazing, he's in such a lovely mood and just caught me being a wuss and was super concerned and came running over to me and holding my face and looking at me and then climbed up and sat on my knee. Which was just what I needed. I can't visit husband for 48 hours after I've stopped being sick incase it's a bug that I can pass on, so I don't think I'll be able to see him until Monday. We're going to try and nap soon and my grandparents (who are in their late 70's, but are so amazing and look after us and are a force to be reckoned with) are on their way and I'm so grateful.

[tattooedzombigirl]

Grief is always so weird.

I see cool things and take pics to send to my sister then I remember I can’t. I hate it cause it’s her favourite time of year too so there’s so much she’d love to see.