[ Searching within Myself ]
"Kneel to your own self. Honor and worship your own being. God dwells within you as You."
" You don't have to 'do' anything to be God-realized or Self-realized, it is already your true and natural state." Just drop all seeking, turn your attention inward, and sacrifice your mind to the One Self radiating in the Heart of your very being. For this to be your own presently lived experience, Self-Inquiry is the one direct and immediate way."
I had my first trip experience. The location was a room that happened to be a brother of my ex. His brother and I have gotten along just talking to each other and have been cool with just being friends. Apparently it is taboo to be friends with your ex's brother. But despite what other people think, I chose and did what I wanted to.
I expressed interest in trying shrooms. I am in no way, a drug user of any sort. I don't believe in relying on a chemical to sustain myself on a frequent periodic time. I hear stories about shrooms however and how it is an experience like no other. That trip. It is able to alter your mind and body a different way and present you a different or changed outlook in life. That is what I read anyway. Sometimes it can alter or change a person's personality. It may be little and not permanent, but it depends on the person and how they will take what they learn and remember the trip and apply It to their daily life.
As we know, I think and worry too much.-- Too much where it causes me stress, fear, anxiety, reluctance, guilt, sadness. It is as if I am holding back and repressing something of myself for an attempt others. I think to much, in my head, I tell myself to stop. But no matter how I try to talk to myself, I just can't get rid of that feeling of something denying my true wants and feelings.
My friend said I need to learn to calm down and not worry so much, relax. And maybe this is something that would help me see things clearer. I don't proclaim this to be a life solver or wonder drug, but in my personal experience, it is definitely worth the experience to try. I don't know if I will permanently change for the better, but at least I have a memory burned in my head of what state I was in, the images I saw and how I felt. Maybe I can go back and just think about that moment and remember that this is how I was and I felt: safe, calm, content.
The actual hallucination and haziness lasted for about 4 and half hours. After that was just this lightheaded, tired, and lazy feeling that lingered for a while. I was still calm afterwards. I wanted to do my trip in the daytime so I could have time to sleep for the night and not disrupt my pattern. We made sure to have plenty of food around as well as drinks for us. I made sure to have a small amount for my first time. I have a small body, so I wanted to play it safe. My goal of the trip was to just try to experience some form of self discussion or self realization. I didn't really care about trying to see different weird hallucinations. I also didn't want to have a bad trip where I felt terrible or scared for my first time.After about 20-30 minutes of chewing the shroom and swallowing it, I began my trip.
I had this weird feeling in my stomach. It was nauseated and I felt panicky or irritable, like any small thing would bother me. I felt lightheaded and weightless. My heart felt like it was pounding fast, but it wasn't really pumping a lot. My friend pointed out a picture on the wall, it was a black and white picture of a skyline bridge. He said he was moving. I could not see it move. I later looked at my surroundings; there were stenciled shadows along the walls. Some of them looked like ripple patterns. I looked at this rolling work chair with a red polka dotted blanket over it. I stared at it, and I could see the chair breathing and pulsating. It was like it was a still object emanating life. Some objects began to be blurry and hazy.
My friend would ask me something like, "are you okay? Do you need anything? Do you want to talk about what you see?" and I said I was fine. I didn't like talking about it. I felt like talking about things out loud made me snap back to a more reality state of mind. I would lose that hallucinated vision for a second when I would have to focus talking to him, and I just wanted to continue experiencing my experience for myself.
I looked at the top of this hallway entrance and wall corridor. I could see the top of the wood edge frame glowing. It was a emitting a hazy blue smoke. There were other colors around that glowed around it, making it look more interesting. Another moment I felt like I had some tunnel vision or hazy vision where I was seeing double. I looked at the right side of the room, and the objects started to have a mirror image of itself. I was seeing two of each object. The objects looked very bright, vibrant, also had a jelly/gummy/gelatinous texture to it. I looked at his bicycle next to the wall. I could see the shadows around the wheel spokes move and sway about. I could see the bicycle frame bend and move, the pedal also moved. It was interesting, and I kept staring at it.
I closed my eyes, and I immediately saw shapes and colors in my mind. They were free flowing about. I had no control of what I wanted to see. My mind drifted off and I carried along with it. That feeling of closing my eyes and seeing images and listening to the Voice was more interesting to me than looking at the real life items with my eyes open. I felt like I was transcended on a different level, and I wanted to go deeper and explore my thoughts.
As I was starting to just enjoy or think about my closed visions, my friend stopped me and asked if I was sleeping, and I said no. I didn't want to worry him. I was concerned that he wanted to talk about things, but the Voice was telling me not worry about what he thinks. I should focus on myself and do this for myself. Experience this trip for yourself and not talk about it right now. Just focus on feeling. I was glad that he didn't try to bother me too much or talk to me. He was just making sure I was okay. He sat on the opposite side of the couch to observe me. While I was in my closed eyes state, I kept asking things, "what about, why am I, who is this, ?" The Voice told me not to ask questions. The questions would complicate things, interfere with my feelings.
The Voice was a neutral tone. It was calm, not scary. It did not judge or criticize. It only guided me , I felt. I still had reluctance and doubt on things. The Voice firmly told me, "Don't fight". And so I tried not to fight. I let go. Throughout my discussion with the Voice, I had visions in my mind of colors and shapes, lights, all shifting and changing its form. It is like a kaleidoscope or a trippy screen saver you would see on a computer. But some of these visions were more ethereal in a way, not of a solid nature. It was like a liquid freeflowing feeling where you just bathe it. It wasn't heavy or light. It felt neutral, safe, calm. I could see shapes and objects being deconstructed and reconstructed into new shapes/images.I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I asked the Voice why am I crying. The Voice told me to not question it. It told me I didn't have to be sad or happy, I was just crying. I did not feel sad in anyway. IT wasn't extreme bliss either I don't think.
And the Voice continued to guide me about my life, who am I am, why I do it, what I should work towards, what the reality of it is. The Voice told me I have too many boundaries. But those boundaries are fake and unnecessary. It inhibits what I truly feel and want to think. But I forget to establish my own true healthy boundaries. I try to be something or someone that other people want me to be. I haven't been happy, because I was never who I truly was. But I try to make other people happy. My mind was just showing me to forget what they think and do what I should do for myself. Choose yourself. Learn to be yourself.
The Voice talked about time, past, present, and future. The past, when I think about it, it hurts. But during this trip, I thought about the concept of the idea of a past and the word, and I didn't feel hurt. I felt nothing, just calmness. It was okay. The past doesn't have to mean anything as much as I make it seem like. I thought about the future, and the Voice told me, "the future is empty." I see an image of a tall scaffold right next to a building skyscraper window side. The scaffold represented the idea of the future contained in a space. It was next to the window. The window had a reflection of the cityscape building around it.
I could see the sunlight glowing around, the shapes of the buildings, the colors and highlights of the edges. The scaffold was tall, high, an object. It wasn't filled up with anything. It had a metal frame. It was empty, weightless. But that scene was able to project its own majestic beauty in its own way by having a window that showed a reflection of a breathtaking view. It was simple, but it was still able to hold meaning in its way. And that is what the Voice was trying to tell /show me. When I think of the future, I think of this ominous heavy weight. There is fear, doubt, uncertainty. I have to fill up that future with something, but it could feel unpleasant. I might have a to work on a status, title, and if I fail, my future would be nothing and meaningless. I thought of an object like a black heavy ball to relate to my concept of the future. Seeing the scaffold as the future made me feel inspired, calm, happy.
We all work to a future where we try to be happy, where we think we have to work or do something to make it meaningful. But the future is already meaningful and beautiful as it is -- empty. I don't have to be scared or worry. What I need to do is just enjoy my life now. Make the most of it. Because if I can't be happy now and know what joy is now, then the future will mean nothing. It will just be the same as the present. The future is empty and it is waiting to be filled. But we already try to make a plan where it must be filled now with our actions and behavior. The future is always changing and unpredictable. We can't fight or struggle. Sometimes we just need to appreciate things as they simply are and slowly build things up as time progresses.
The Voice told me about time. How it can be a thing that causes stress with just the name and concept of itself. We are a slave to time. It creates barriers and restrictions by limiting things. Time dictates what we must do or have complete. And that adds stress. It is important to be mindful of time. We cannot control how it flows and cannot stop it. It controls us. But what we can do is to learn to make use of how we exist in time.
I learned about confidence and labels. The Voice asked me if I was confident. I said I don't have a lot. And then the Voice asked me, "do you trust yourself?" and then I started to think about myself, but my mind would drift off to the thought of "others". The Voice told me I need to learn to trust myself more. Even if I am wrong or offend others, that feeling of having a trust in yourself is what makes you feel stronger. It isn't about right or wrong. Eliminate all barriers of right/wrong, good/bad. There is no terms -- Just feeling and feelings are Truth. Trust is confidence. Trust is what I need to gain, it isn't confidence. I overcomplicate things by associating a term to automatically label how I should feel based on how other people use it. People say confidence is a good thing. But confidence is something that is hard to obtain for people and it can be seen as weak if you don't exhibit it. But trust is something that is a core, important component. It is hard to describe, it was like trust was a better label for me that didn't intimidate what I needed to learn. If you learn to trust and love yourself more, you will be strong. The ability to love yourself no matter what you do, right or wrong, able to forgive yourself and still carry on is what is important.
Words have such a profound impact in how I think and feel. They can be like knives stabbing into me. I started thinking about the people I've had interactions with and what they would think and feel of me. The Voice told me to stop fighting, stop thinking. They are all the same when it comes to the core concept of just words. Words are just words. They can hurt. It hurts to hear hurtful words for someone you know and care about than from someone with a stranger. But my trip helped show and make me realize that a stranger and loved one can say the same hurtful thing. It hurts less to hear it from the stranger. There was an image that was trying to erase a picture of a person in my mind. They were being dissipated. Words, are just words. They can be said from anyone. The person who says it doesn't have to matter. Don't think about one person. Anyone can say it. But other people don't matter.
My mind helped me just erase things and just focus on myself more, appreciate myself. It is okay to be myself.
It kept reminding me that when I eliminate labels, it makes everything better. They are just simple feelings. And feelings don't have to have a label. These feelings are your own. No one can control or take away from you. You choose to have these feelings when people say things to you. They might not have ill intentions or trying to hurt me, but I perceive myself feeling hurt in some way based on what or how they said it. I can just let the words, concrete concept of words, not bother me. Don't worry. Don't care so much about it.
Throughout the trip experience my friend and I changed the location to go to his room. I looked at the curtains and bed. I saw that there were so many defined wrinkles. It was very surreal, 3d prominent, floating. The curtain looked like it was breathing. There was a black and white picture of a different cityscape bridge on his night stand. I could see the colors and shapes in the image swirl, bleed, glow, and twinkle in a way. It was like the picture was depicting its night life in real time.
He told me not to look at myself in the bathroom mirror because it tends to freak people out if they see themselves in a trip. I went with what he said and didn't look at it. When I was in the bathroom, I asked myself if I should look in the mirror. The Voice said, "no don't look in the mirror. You will be scared, trust me". I replied to the Voice, "okay, I won't look". I laid on his bed. My friend asked if it was okay if he could lay down too on it. I said it was okay. He asked if he could cuddle with me, and I was in this relaxed and "whatever, don't care mode". He laid his arm around me. I didn't feel anything. I felt comfort, but it didn't have to have a meaning and I for once, didn't try to find a meaning in it. The whole thing made me question the Voice about physical touch and intimacy. Sex and relationships seem to be sticky thing for me as well. When I have sex or even if I hug or touch someone, it feels emotional. Like I want a connection with the person or I am expecting the person to have a connection with me -- like they have to be with me longer and be committed. But I just learn to enjoy the moment now, don't worry about if it turns into something, if it means something. Touching is just a touch -- no feelings, no thinking.
I thought about myself and how, even with my friend and roommate, how I preferred to have moments where I just am by myself. Like I just want to be in this room by myself or just close my eyes and think only by myself and for myself. I find comfort and peace with this solaced solitude. The Voice was telling me, "see you like being alone. You are happy alone. You are okay being alone. This is what peace and comfort is like. Yet you try to invite other people or seek other people into your life that disrupts what peace and comfort you feel. Why do you need to do that? Is it necessary? You already are able to find happiness within yourself and you don't have to seek other people as a way to provide or show you happiness."
I eventually got to a feeling where things were less freeflowing. I wasn't swimming around as much in my mind. Hallucinations in the present were diminished. The Voice that was present in my mind was slowly fading. I was fighting to keep it in. The Voice told me that it is okay. I am ready to let go and remember the ideas and concepts of what I saw today. Focus on feeling, not thinking so much. Don't fight. Focus on loving and trusting myself. Don't worry so much. Doesn't care as much as you think you should, but it is unhealthy that sometimes I don't care about things that I should be concerned about. Like having an opinion for myself or doing things for myself that is in my better interest. I told myself I had to pee. The Voice told me that it is okay to look in the mirror. It told me that I was ready to look at it now. And when I do look at it, I need tell myself that, "I am ready. It starts with Me today. I need to love myself".
I think about the quote, "God dwells within you, as You", People may say that they have been having conversations with God in their trip. But the Voice that I experienced -- it was My voice. It was like an ancient repressed side of me that was suddenly channeled and awakened. It was all knowing. It never judged or condemned me. It wasn't worried about me or scared about me. It was loving me, caressing me, saying that it is okay to have thoughts about things, but it was there to help explain and show things in a different way. I told myself that I was weak and scared, worried. But my voice was trying to calm me saying that I wasn't weak. "You are strong and a good person." It didn't say that to just try to make me feel better. When I heard it tell me it, I felt comforted. I didn't question it or deny it. I just accepted it and believed it at the time. It told me it was okay to cry and to just let things go. Like all this balled up stress, crush it and let it go. So I was laying in bed shaking and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I didn't feel scared though. I felt fine. I felt safe and okay. Like that feeling of understanding that I do have strength. I am not weak.
I felt like there is a part of me that is true, honest, real that is hibernating deep within me. It cares about me. It loves about me. It trusts me and watches over me. And I need to protect and honor that being --- Myself.
