Oops did I ruin a good thing by being cranky but honest? Or was the good thing never real in the first place?
I resent the moment where it's all fun and games and we're sexting and sending fun videos but when I'm earnestly like, hey help me out I'm horny I'm reaching into our established dynamic for sexual connection it's crickets! And it's not that I can't handle being told "no", or "now isn't a good time," it's "I'm going to pretend I don't know what that means or what you might need from me!" Or "here's a half hearted effort and a crumb! This should do it! And you can't cum because I said so!"
I feel like men keep trying to give me restrictions as though the restriction is part of it. I guess it might be, for some people - but I never said that was my thing. The whole point of a dominant is to be in charge, but also honor the power exchange. But if I'm giving up my enormous amount of power and you're giving me nothing how can we ever get anything done? What am I getting out of the dynamic?
Following orders and delivering on my end of the bargain just to get emoji forehead kisses in response? Especially after being scolded for being unresponsive or not enthusiastic enough in my replies, or not acknowledging the instructions I was given - honestly I think that's the source of the problem. It's been bothering me for too long!
I don't care if it means I'm not a true sub - it doesn't really matter to me. I don't care about correctly fitting into a category - if you fuck me right you can unlock an entire new universe of possibilities - but I keep running into men who don't really follow through in that role, and that's disappointing. My partner joked that I keep meeting male brats who want to be chased and want to be put in their place, and he's right, but I don't want to do that! I also don't like how demanding men get with me as soon as they get a taste of me being obedient and eager to please. I think that's why it's so hard to find a balance. Unfortunately it feels like there's naturally dominant personalities and it comes naturally to them - and it's really unfortunate that the overlap with misogyny is so high, but it's not a complete eclipse. So I guess I just have to keep looking
