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if you see me, no you didn't | local succubus | 32 | NSFW blog

[kosmogrl]

[kitchen1]

I wish I took a better pic of this writing in a bar bathroom in toronto bc I think of it so often. Be So Completely Yourself That No One Is Attracted To You Or Wants To Employ You

[itssjanedoe]

[lakevida]

god remember when there were no ads AND you could post dick on here. take me back i'll be grateful this time

[degeneratemode]

My mind was moving too fast the last few days, my thoughts were racing to the tune of

"I wanna go home. I'm so horny. I hope nobody can see how horny I am. I hope someone can see how horny I am and help me. What happened with so and so. Why did he ignore me. Im so mad. I'm tired of thinking about it. I want to be fucked by a true dom. I want exactly what was on the menu for that smut fic I read. My legs are so fucked up from the mosquito bites. I'm itchy. I'm ugly. Am I too fat to be adored? Am I too old? Why am I so useless? Why am I so broke? Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever be able to make enough money to be comfortable? What happens if I keep ignoring my credit cards? What if I stayed in Russia forever? What if I just abandoned my old life and ran away? Would anybody come looking for me? Why do I want to be owned? Am I truly submissive? Do I want a bad person to become obsessed with me? Will I get everything I want then? Am I the bad person? Что я хочу? Кто такая кикимора?"

But today my mind is quieter than it's been in a long time. I think I just had too much in my head with nowhere to put it, I haven't been processing anything, just taking in information. Today we might go to a water park! So much water will surely heal me! I can't wait.

[nobrashfestivity]

Make Your Own Animated Movies and Videotapes by Yvonne Andersen, Little Brown, 1970

scan by stoppingoffplace blogspot

[yesterdaysprint]

Oakland Tribune, California, July 6, 1907

[creamiipie-deactivated20230707]

[creeroumourir]

Egon Schiele. ' Kneeling Girl, Resting on Both Elbows ', ca. 1917.

[degeneratemode]

Oops did I ruin a good thing by being cranky but honest? Or was the good thing never real in the first place?

I resent the moment where it's all fun and games and we're sexting and sending fun videos but when I'm earnestly like, hey help me out I'm horny I'm reaching into our established dynamic for sexual connection it's crickets! And it's not that I can't handle being told "no", or "now isn't a good time," it's "I'm going to pretend I don't know what that means or what you might need from me!" Or "here's a half hearted effort and a crumb! This should do it! And you can't cum because I said so!"

I feel like men keep trying to give me restrictions as though the restriction is part of it. I guess it might be, for some people - but I never said that was my thing. The whole point of a dominant is to be in charge, but also honor the power exchange. But if I'm giving up my enormous amount of power and you're giving me nothing how can we ever get anything done? What am I getting out of the dynamic?

Following orders and delivering on my end of the bargain just to get emoji forehead kisses in response? Especially after being scolded for being unresponsive or not enthusiastic enough in my replies, or not acknowledging the instructions I was given - honestly I think that's the source of the problem. It's been bothering me for too long!

I don't care if it means I'm not a true sub - it doesn't really matter to me. I don't care about correctly fitting into a category - if you fuck me right you can unlock an entire new universe of possibilities - but I keep running into men who don't really follow through in that role, and that's disappointing. My partner joked that I keep meeting male brats who want to be chased and want to be put in their place, and he's right, but I don't want to do that! I also don't like how demanding men get with me as soon as they get a taste of me being obedient and eager to please. I think that's why it's so hard to find a balance. Unfortunately it feels like there's naturally dominant personalities and it comes naturally to them - and it's really unfortunate that the overlap with misogyny is so high, but it's not a complete eclipse. So I guess I just have to keep looking

[lickmyleg-deactivated20250724]

I've been horny. Obviously just in my abstract ways

[fat-von-d]

just because Sade told me not to, i won’t

[degeneratemode]

Whatever, I guess today I'm committed to not liking myself and feelings of shame, sin, neediness. They're not really helping me but I can't access the self soothing part of myself that can hold me and tell me it's ok. It's probably on the other end of me actually picking up a pen. Feels like I got over the hurdle of being able to masturbate in my grandparents apartment, but not journaling. I guess if we really dig deep I know that there's trauma about not actually feeling safe around my mom, since she's read my diary in the past and punished me for it. Maybe, subconsciously my body knows that it's a huge risk, or that I haven't been able to write in proximity to my mom ever since she read my diary years ago.

Ok, sure, let's go with that. And maybe we can also assume that my medication can only do so much to motivate me when my hormones are out of whack since I'm on my period

And that being in Russia cleaning out my dead grandparents apartment with my mom is a lot and I can take it easy on myself a bit and not expect to be able to perform at 100, or even 50 of my capacity. It feels like nothing back home exists and there is nothing to get back to, which isn't true. Maybe I could use my tarot cards to find out what's going on with me (I'm fucking sad and lonely) but being here is so disorienting. I'm exhausted by it.

I'm back to playing my least favorite game: overthink, don't take action, build up more pressure for every situation I'm delaying taking action in, feel stupid, chase the dopamine hit of masturbating or attention or a notification, and ignore the exit sign that says "you need to draw, you need to do something, take the wheel, you stupid bitch!"

[degeneratemode]

I'm so radioactive today. I need to write. I want to write. I want a hug. I want to be someone's beloved pet. I want there to be enough room for me in someone else. I want to be held. I want to relax. I want to talk to someone who isn't my mom or her friends or the people at the grocery store. I want to go home. I don't want to carry dusty old trash down four flights of stairs. I want to be held and caressed. I want to be bathed. I want to be washed. I want to empty myself into someone else with all my disgusting filth and my bones and my guts and my marrow and my atoms. I don't want to be inside myself. I want to close my eyes and teleport to a different dimension. I want to be ripped apart.

[degeneratemode]

I am cranky. I feel embarrassed about the smut I was reading, if I'm honest. And also mad that it ended and didn't update since. The author was really talented even though they used weird British-isms like "quim." It's even more embarrassing to say it was a Hermione x Snape fic. I feel like Harry Potter was the last true fandom I was in back when I was a teen, I knew mostly everything about it, and I feel like I don't really have a frame of reference for any other character dynamics of people that I would read about fucking each other. I guess it also coincided with my sexual awakening to a degree, where I could actually imagine fucking fictional characters, or wanting them to fuck me.

I do think I'm brand new, but not in a way that I'm enjoying. At least, I don't really like myself right now. I couldn't get a menstrual cup at the pharmacy, I haven't done any work for my freelance project, I'm still broke, and I feel unattractive. I took out my conch piercing to take a full shower and then I couldn't put it back in, and irritated it and now it's swollen (again with the fucking conch piercing)

Writing in this stupid blog is the best I can do and that's pretty tragic. I was supposed to be writing and journaling and sketching and making progress. Instead I'm just stuck. Yesterday after the rain I felt cleansed but today it's back to feeling like I'm covered in muck. I'm dreading interacting with

Someone is driving by blasting Antoha MC, so that's something. I miss listening to music. I haven't used my headphones. I need a long break from spending time with my mom. I'm trying to not think about her getting older and frailer, I'm trying not to think about her being in my grandparents apartment alone, living in this dusty town. But this is where she's from and if she wants to live here it's probably for the best. It's better than New York, I guess. I want to leave New York too but I feel like I don't have the guts and the drive to make it out. Adderall can only do so much, but I'm an unmotivated, uninspired, loser. Ok, I guess I'm just cranky because I'm losing blood and I'm feeling weak.

I wish someone was interested enough in me to tear me apart sexually, mentally, spiritually, and physically. But it can't be just one or the other, it can't be really incredible sex and then an understated kind of sad flop of a relationship. We said we would be in community with each other and wanted to be in each other's lives and now we're no one to each other, but unfortunately I'm carrying way too much past information, too many memories.

[degeneratemode]

I'm frustrated, I'm supposed to write a list of all the ways I want J to fuck me but right now it just feels like more work. I'd like an essay from him, instead.

I got by period today - officially not pregnant, so we can put that anxious thought to bed. I'm relieved, but so unprepared. I've been using a cup for months, I don't want to go back to regular period products. At least I got my period right as well got hot water, so I can actually wash up. But now I'm also so horny and I can't make myself cum, and I don't want to make a mess, and I can't sleep naked, and l can't sleep at all. I can't journal or draw anything that's not in front of me!

[degeneratemode]

This isn't really super relevant but it's bothering me, and it's late, and I was so sleepy earlier but I'm back to being awake now.

I feel like 🐜 is giving me a slow fade, but with mixed messages. I'm not quite sure what happened but I've been feeling uncomfortable and weird around him, like he's just pretending to like me. But last time I was at his place he got charcuterie stuff for us, and got me a beret, and a set of portable water colors and brushes and watercolor postcards. It was such a sweet and thoughtful gift and I really appreciated it! But we also didn't really fuck for that long, it didn't feel like his heart or his dick was in it, and it made me feel self conscious because he didn't really say much (as always!) to explain or even address it. At some point I made him cum and then I was turned on and wanted to keep going but he made no motion towards it, and I kind of shrank. I feel like that's what I've been feeling. I try not to seek too much reassurance but I do need to hear about if someone's into me or finds me attractive. I also was on my period and felt self conscious. But he also got a waterproof blanket and we used the gel too, and that was thoughtful. Maybe it's just that his actions and his words don't align. His actions say "I like you enough to get you gifts and set up little surprises for you" but then last time I texted I've been getting dry responses, and then I got nothing, and we used to text semi regularly.

I hate that it's bothering me and i think it just feels weird and unresolved and suspicious and not fun, but also I feel stuck in a weird limbo of "you gave me nice things" and I feel like that's making me think it's more complicated than it is. But when I've said "hey I think things are weird" he was like "no they're not I'm just busy" which is fine!! I'm not sure what I really want at this point. I know I should leave it alone but it's bothering me that he has access to my insta even though he's been putting off weird vibes. And then at some point unmatched me on feeld, which doesn't have to mean anything but also can definitely mean something and I'm not getting it. I want to ask directly but it feels like I'm not going to get an answer. So what do I want? Permission to remove him from IG? Or do I want to be able to do what I want without thinking so much about it? I think that's what it is. I hate owning the feeling when I don't think I'm being unclear, and I hate having to play strategy games when I don't know the game, and I hate the game of "ignore people if they start acting weird" because unfortunately I'm bad at it unless you tell me in the clearest way possible.

Something just doesn't feel right and I'm worried, and I'm overthinking. There's some layers of shame, and embarrassment and frustration, like "why are you still thinking about this? You're on a trip! Leave it alone! Who cares?" But it sucks when it feels like things were good and I definitely didn't make it up. But why am I focusing on how bad things are with him? Is it feeling like there's this sinister level of push and pull.