I uncovered a pattern this week. It showed up as I was completely exasperated with my teenage son, again. He hits periods where he stops cleaning up after himself and no matter what I do or say, it doesn’t change. It builds and builds between us. I get frustrated after trying so many ways to get through to him, and when nothing changes, I begin to feel powerless. This is never a good place for me to be.
Through a daily writing practice I do called Fear Inventory, the words leapt off the page and it was like I saw myself for the first time. How I expect others to change so I can feel better. I say things over and over, in a variety of ways but don’t draw a line in the sand. I don’t create a boundary for myself, and then let them have their feelings. It’s a distant cousin of people pleasing. It’s a spot I’ve been asleep in and people around me get confused, I get resentful and it spirals down from there.
I reflect on the most challenging part of my 21 year marriage, when it was all falling apart. I remember feeling like I explained my position to him in every possible way I knew how. I prided myself on that. Soft & Vulnerable. Clear & Direct. Writing. Yelling. And still, no change. I _could not_ get the point across about my sexual needs. That I wanted to feel my desire, and have sex when I really wanted to, and not be talked into it because he was so hungry. It was a mess, really. We were totally enmeshed in one another. I expected him to change simply because I explained it so eloquently. He couldn’t, because he was too hurt and resentful himself. And I didn’t have the self-love and awareness to create a boundary. To end the madness. I expected him to change and we were both miserable. I never felt heard.
Codependency 101. Ugh.
This pattern came up recently with my Lover and again with my son and the messy house. When I thought about it, I repeat this pattern with my mother, too. It’s a place where I feel like I say things so beautifully that of course the person would want to make a change. It reminds me of the faithful elephants at the Ueno Zoo in Japan during WW2, who were being starved to death. They performed their best tricks hoping to be fed by their beloved trainers,. It’s not about how eloquently I say it, it’s about creating a boundary for myself when it’s not working. And making the next best move from there.
To do this, I must be centered in myself, aware of my needs and express my boundaries with love. It requires a deeper level of personal responsibility for myself and not care-taking the other person.
Uncovering this pattern was like seeing a part of myself for the first time. I unlocked a place I have repeatedly felt stuck and unheard. The horror of this pattern ran through my system. And then I realized I know how to work this spot. I have tightened up my boundaries a lot over the years and this new awareness allows me to get more of what I want by being more clear with those I love. If I am feeling unheard, I need to create a boundary. It asks me to release attachment to the end result, as releasing codependency means releasing control.
I have a heart to heart with my son. I tell him how I feel and that he needs to take more care to clean up after himself. Later, I ask him to vacuum, and he does. And when I wake up the next morning, the dishes were done and the kitchen was cleaned up, and even a little more than I expected it to be.