#ttcaftermc

[jayjayrn-blog]

Happy New Year

Sending hugs, love and baby dust to those trying to conceive. May this 2017 be our year.

XOXO

[jayjayrn-blog]

I need strength and patience.

I see other women who were trying to conceive just like me...move on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I want that, too. I sit here, trying to gather up all the strength, patience and positivity within me. Hubby is sitting next to me on the couch. My eyes glued onto Tumblr, while he's studying for school. I feel his hand reach for mine every couple minutes because he can sense that my thoughts consume me. I love that he knows me so well. I hope so much that we can be parents someday. I cannot say this enough.

[jayjayrn-blog]

Love

I don’t get to update as much as I like to, and I do apologize to anyone who actually reads this. I read posts by women who are TTC as well as posts by women who are expecting. The latter is hard because I’m hoping I can be in their shoes someday.

Hubby has been amazing throughout this whole process. I know that when we are lucky enough to become parents, he’s going to be a wonderful father. I love him so much. Last night, I cried out of frustration and told him, “I don’t want you to think I’m broken.” 

He answered, “I don’t think you’re broken.” He then just stared into my eyes and gave me a loving and reassuring look. I always feel so safe with him.

Thing is, I understand that life can’t always be sunshine, but what I do know is, throughout the dark times, Hubby has and will always be there for me, as I am for him.

It will happen for us. As always, I’m trying to stay positive.

[jayjayrn-blog]

A Speck of Positivity

I’m going to a baby shower on Sunday. [gasp]

This will be my first time after having my two miscarriages. I avoided baby showers like the plague last year. I had this “hell no, fuck you” attitude. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I still get my occasional bouts of bitterness and jealousy. However, I have to admit that I had fun shopping for gifts yesterday and today. Baby clothes are just so stinkin’ cute. I hope that someday, I can shop for clothes for my own baby.

This Sunday should be interesting. 

[jayjayrn-blog]

Having another one of those days.

Some days I'm fine, other days I'm not. I just went on Facebook and saw another fucking pregnancy announcement. It brought feelings of sadness, anger and jealousy. When will I be pregnant?! When will I get to have a baby?! As always, Hubby has been supportive. I love him so much. My acupuncturist says I need to see my OB-GYN. I know I do; my appointment isn't until August. This will be a new doctor; I had to find a new one since Hubby and I moved. I want answers. I've been working out more and trying to eat more healthy. I feel like I'm taking better care of myself. I hope this is our year.

[jayjayrn-blog]

One year later...

It’s been about a year since my first miscarriage. How suiting because my body has been confusing the shit out of me lately. Long story short: My period is 11 days late. I’ve taken a bunch of pregnancy tests and they all came back negative. Two days ago, I had this sharp pain in my lower right pelvic area, but then it went away. Fast forward to today, I’ve been having this same discomfort, so Hubby and I went to the ER, fearing an ectopic pregnancy. Everything came back negative…urine test, blood tests…all negative. Nothing was found on the ultrasound either. 💔

As usual, I keep seeing all the damned pregnancy and baby announcements on my Facebook feed. I feel all the same bitter feelings come rushing back. I’m back at square one. Can my period just come already if I’m not pregnant?

💔 after 💔 after 💔

Must keep trying.

[jayjayrn-blog]

This made me cry.

[jayjayrn-blog]

Nervous Breakdown

Hubby and I had an intense conversation about trying to get pregnant again. Every time we talk about this, it leads us to saying that I can't drink alcohol, and I can't do this or that...and I need to do x, y and z to be healthier, so I can get pregnant. So starting today, I'm going to cut down on coffee (and hopefully eliminate it completely), and not drink alcohol. For those who think I'm crazy because you're probably thinking "Stop drinking when you're not even pregnant yet?" Then yes, I'm crazy. This whole thing has driven me crazy. I love Hubby and I want us to have a baby, a healthy baby. If it means I need to change my lifestyle, then I need to do it, right? I need to stop being selfish.