Blood, Sweat, Tears, Pain, Hope

[jayjayrn-blog]

It’s hard to believe that 2017 is almost over. I have so much to update on, and I will, but for now I want to send everyone love and positivity. I hope that my experiences bring you hope. Never give up. Always strive for what you want. Surround yourself with people who love and support you unconditionally. Everything will fall into place. xoxo

[holographicglittercocaine]

[lifeandlo-blog]

[jayjayrn-blog]

I have not been posting lately because 1. I have been busy (and exhausted) and 2. I have been cautious. I am currently 20 weeks + 5 days pregnant with my hopeful rainbow. Words cannot describe all the emotions I have been feeling since this journey began. All I know is I am so in love and I am remaining hopeful. I love you so much, Baby Girl.

[jayjayrn-blog]

[studypetals]

[bon----voyage]

[iamauniverselover]

[jayjayrn-blog]

So far, my 2017 has brought me a whirlwind of emotions: happiness, gratitude, fear. I know that after all the darkness, all the storms, the rainbow will emerge. I continue to hope for this for myself and for all the hopeful mamas out there. Even when you are feeling at your absolute lowest, please try to remember your rainbow will appear someday. Do not lose hope. 🌈

[jayjayrn-blog]

Happy New Year

Sending hugs, love and baby dust to those trying to conceive. May this 2017 be our year.

XOXO

[jayjayrn-blog]

Happy Holidays

To anyone who reads this: I hope you had a Merry Christmas. I wish I updated more, but sometimes I don't know what to say. Anyway, I'm sending everyone positivity and love. May this holiday season and upcoming new year bring all of us hope and happiness. ❤❤❤

[jayjayrn-blog]

First Steps

I called my insurance company to make sure the genetic testing is covered. I think one of my biggest fears, besides more failed pregnancies, is how much all of this is going to cost. I'm the only one working because Hubby is in school and he will be in school for a long time. I have so much on my shoulders, but all I can think about is how much I want to start a family. I know there are so many couples out there who are going through the same thing. I just need to reach out, do research and have an open mind. Next on my to-do list: finding an infertility specialist.

[jayjayrn-blog]

[weretrying]

How Infertility Destroyed my Self-Esteem

I’ve always been a relatively confident, self-possessed person. I was first to raise my hand in school. First to ask the kids playing basketball if I could join. I once even asked a boy to prom (he said no). I just wasn’t a meek or mild person. And while I still had all the normal self-conscious thoughts young women have (primarily, “Does this dress make my hips look big?”), I mostly felt pretty good about myself. I felt worthy….of my voice…of love…of success.

Fast forward to 2014 when my husband B and I first started trying to have children. Each month felt like a complete and total failure. Even the first few months of trying made me panic and turn against my body…why was it not working? What was I doing wrong? Was my body malfunctioning?

The longer we tried, the more worthless I felt. The more worthless I felt, the more I hated myself for letting infertility dictate my moods, life and personality.

As time ticked on, more and more of my friends got pregnant without drama. This of course made me feel even worse. I grew jealous, impatient and bitter. I started throwing daily pity parties. I played my favorite game, “Why them? Why not me?” which made me even more reclusive. I disappeared from Facebook. I sunk into my bed. I watched a lot of Netflix. I couldn’t deal with anyone who was happy or well-adjusted or confident. I only wanted to be around other self-loathing, depressed people. Or (preferably) no people at all.

I’ve never felt worse about myself than I did those first two years battling infertility. All the bad breakups, pimples, final exams, hungover mornings, bad decisions and embarrassing moments combined didn’t make me feel half as worthless as my infertility did. I felt defective. Like I just wasn’t willing my ovaries into submission hard enough. Like they were dogs that just needed to be trained to ovulate.

The worst part? I could feel my personality shifting underneath me, like some emotional tectonic plates. And I hated it. Who was I if I wasn’t the brash, strong, creative, confident woman asking for what she needed? I hated this new turn my personality was taking…this woman was not me. And this self-loathing made me retreat even further into myself.

A thought I kept returning to was: if a relatively well-adjusted, confident, outgoing woman like myself was reacting this way to infertility, what havoc was it wrecking on quieter, more emotionally vulnerable women? What were they going through? How was this changing them? How was this affecting their lives, friendships and marriages?

No matter who we are or how much pain we’re experiencing, we cannot let infertility define us. I know it feels like the most important thing in our lives right now. The defining feature. But I assure you, IT IS NOT.

We are so much more than our infertility. We are strong, creative, compassionate, curious humans. We change the world with our work. We push our bodies. We snuggle our pets. We support our friends. I know it feels like we will not be complete people until we conceive…but we are complete now. Our lives are still churning and we miss the joy and the beautiful moments when we choose to collapse into ourselves.

It’s our responsibility to not allow infertility to define us. To not let it take one more thing away from us, let alone our spark. Our personality. We need to actively fight against it and reclaim our joy. Our confidence. Infertility can destroy everything if we let it. It ruins bank accounts, friendships, marriages…but that’s (mostly) optional.

Overcoming the emotional trials of infertility is not easy. And it’s certainly not fast. It’s a marathon in discomfort, for sure. And I for one, have always hated marathons. Hell, I even hate 5Ks! But it’s our job to stay strong. To stay ourselves. To refuse to collapse under its weight. And together? I know we can do it.

[jayjayrn-blog]

I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEEDED THIS.

[jayjayrn-blog]

Where to go from here.

I'm not pregnant. Of course, I'm surrounded by pregnant co-workers, friends and family. The pain never goes away. The bitterness and envy does not seem to subside. I still get angry when I see Facebook and Instagram posts about pregnancy and parenthood. Why can't I just be happy for everyone? Why can't I just move on? I had an appointment with my gynecologist this past Friday. My ultrasound and lab results are normal. She said she wants to make sure I don't have any clotting disorders. She also said she wants me to get a karyotype lab drawn. I asked her what else I need to do. She said now would be the time to start looking into seeing an infertility specialist. On my next day off, I need to make phone calls. I'm terrified. I don't really know what to expect. It's hard to not feel like a failure.

[jayjayrn-blog]

Not looking good.

Just started spotting. This has got to be a chemical pregnancy. 💔💔💔 When can I bring a life into this world? When can I hold my baby in my arms? Will I ever be a mom?

[jayjayrn-blog]

Losing Hope

I don’t know how to feel anymore.

For anyone who needs to be caught up to speed on my story: I don’t have any children except for my “angel babies.” I had 2 miscarriages last year and 1 last month.

So fast forward to the present: as soon as I stopped bleeding last month, Hubby and I tried again. One week ago, I noticed that I was feeling nauseated and my breasts were feeling very painful like my other pregnancies, so I took an analog pregnancy test and got a faint positive. My period still hasn’t come and I’m still feeling pregnant. I still have sore breasts, nausea, dizziness and fatigue. Just to “confirm” I took a digital pregnancy test this morning and it’s negative. So why the hell am I feeling like this?! I fear I may be having a chemical pregnancy or another miscarriage.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I really don’t. I don’t know how to think positively anymore. Is there anyone out there who can offer some advice? Hope? I don’t know. I need something.