Hey there, I just opened my requests so flood me with that stuff!
I’m a new writer, mostly writing for Mystic Messenger, but really dedicated and I’d love to write some smaller things as well. These are meant to fill in between my bigger fanfiction projects such as ‘The things we cannort have’.
If you’re interested in my prior works, just check out my (smol) masterlist.
Guidelines are up, so please read them before making a request. ^^
(I’m also really glad about signal boosts, so......)
The things we cannot have: Part two ~ The things we follow 3
Story: The things we cannot have
Part: The things we follow
Chapter: 3
Fandom: Mystic Messenger
Characters: Saeran, Saeyoung, MC
I'm sorry but I have to start this chapter with a trigger warning. If you're not comfortable with puking/ vomiting/ etc, please don't read this chapter. It is for character development purposes and will be added with a trigger warning every time.
She woke up surrounded by darkness and quiescence again. Saeran was still curled up at her side, with one arm pulled around her waist. The heat his body radiated invited her to move closer. He always seemed so happy and peaceful in his sleep, with his ruffled locks, as if everything was perfect. In some ways it was. For him it might have been. She studied the untroubled expression on his face, wondering if he knew about her worries and the struggle that was still so deeply rooted in her heart.
The small kiss, the tight hugs, and all these nights next to him felt so good. They helped her to ignore the devil's whispers inside her. Every of his actions were like tiny band aids, trying to fix her broken heart. He radiated love and peace every day, ready to catch her every time she fell.
On some mornings she woke up without dried tears on her cheeks.
When the sun was shining and they spent their days in gardens, discussing flowers and their language, her heart was peaceful.
Watching movies in the evening with their favourite ice cream flavours on their couch, barely following what happened on screen until they fell asleep, gave her dreams for the future.
On these days, she was able to suppress the pain and ignore it.
At least for a few hours, but as soon as he left her for a minute, or until twilight threatened with another night, the emotions drowned her deeper than before, like waves devouring ships in a storm. She was still sinking after months. It felt like all her tears had built a sea that surrounded her and she never learned how to swim.
Saeran mumbled in his sleep and MC cuddled closer towards him, trying to hide herself from the pain that was hitting her hard again. He was back. His face haunted her, and his voice seemed to be everywhere, even if she covered her ears. Saeyoung. Seven. Agent 707. The defender of justice. If only he had defended her from himself. If only she had listened to him and turned away back then, when she still had the chance.
Immediately she felt the urge to slap herself. As if she could have stayed away from the red headed hacker and his playful, happy go lucky personality. Back then, she had felt the sadness deep down in him and how much he cared for all his friends at the same time. MC had wanted to help him and somewhere along the way her feelings had grown. Until a few months ago, she thought he had felt the same. After all the times she fought for him. Apparently, she had been wrong. Now she wasn't sure anymore if he had ever loved her at all the way she still loved him. A cramp in her stomach followed the thought, adding to the pain that kept her from sleeping.
A whimper escaped her mouth. Immediately she covered her mouth. MC tried to calm herself and stay quiet, so Saeran wouldn't wake up, but it became harder every night that passed. Soon she would break down from all the pain, and she knew there was no way to avoid it, he would see it. MC didn't want to give in. She never had. Deep inside she was still a fighter, willing to attack and struggle to reach her goals. Now all she wanted was to get rid of the thoughts about her fiance, but the more she tried to conceal them, the stronger they returned.
Immediately memories of Saeyoung, helping her covering the hickeys and bite marks after one of their special love nights with some make up, filled her mind. Just like his witty jokes did, as he tried to make her ditch her appointment with Jumin later that day. MC remembered them as if he had told them yesterday. In the end she had left no matter what he said and when Jumin and his driver brought her home in the evening, all her friends had gathered in the bunker. They had organized a surprise party. One of the happiest days in her life had become perfect, when Saeyoung jumped out of a giant cake and screamed at her to marry him, completely covered in cream, chocolate cats, and icing.
Marriage seemed so far away now, as well as a happy life with a family of her own. Summer day memories when they talked about children names filled her mind immediately, followed by his last words before the door shut. Another cramp, followed by a funny feeling. The taste of bile lingered on her lips. She had to get out of this bed. Right now.
Slowly she glided out of Saeran's embrace, trying to make as little noise as possible. Her attempt failed. As always, he immediately woke up, looking confused. He asked if she was alright, but she quickly lied to him, telling him she just had to go to the toilet and would be back in a few minutes. Too tired to identify her lie, he hummed and rolled to the other side of the bed. Before she had left the room, he was sound asleep again, curled up like a cat.
She stood in the door frame, studying him. MC envied his peaceful sleep and wondered how he could be this relaxed, when she was so hurt instead. After all the pain he had suffered, he seemed to cope with it better, and faster. She came to the conclusion that he must have been better at dealing with abandonment than she was.
With this thought still in mind, she closed the door and locked it from outside, knowing it wouldn't take him too long to force the door open, as soon as he woke up. He was still as skilled and dangerous as he had been in Mint Eye. Still, she needed every minute she could get, before he found out about her plans.
First, she had end those stomach cramps. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to concentrate. These pains came more regularly now, but she felt like she could still handle them. It was the one thing, she had under control. No one could take it away from her. It gave her power, the one thing she craved for these days. She desperately needed it.
Crawling over the toilet seat, she tried to control her heavy breathing. It would be hard to stay quiet, but she had done it several times by now. With every contraction, the disgust she felt became smaller and the urge grew, until she finally reached into her mouth, to get rid of the feeling that tormented her. MC wasn't proud, but the only way she had found to let go, was to throw up until she was too weak to think properly.
Shivering, she lay on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, watching the ceiling. MC knew she had to get up, if she didn't want to become ill. In addition she had to hurry, before Saeran would wake up and look after her. If only she could find the strength to move her body.
His face suddenly returned to her inner eye. The chaotic redhead, that had always encouraged her to follow her dreams, until he ran away without a proper goodbye. Her fiance Saeyoung still spooked around in her head, and she desperately had to find him. With a heavy breath she stood up, cleaned her face with rough motions and left the room towards the computers he had left behind, just like her.
The monitors lit up immediately after she pressed the power button. They illuminated the room, blinding her for a moment. MC remembered the password after a few errors. The trembling of her fingers had caused more typos than she had expected, only worsened by the shivers that had returned. It grew even more, as she recognized his wallpaper. A picture of them and their friends, the same as the one that had been in the living room. Their huge red couch with Saeran, Saeyoung and her in his arms, surrounded by the other members of the RFA. A memory of happier days.
These had been breathtakingly wonderful memories, and they made her wonder. Wherever she looked, things didn't seem to fit. The last time she had seen him, Saeyoung had been cold and had pushed her away, but all of his belongings screamed how happy he was with her by his side, and his brother so close to them. That picture was just another evidence. Gently she traced the monitor with her fingertips, following his figure, as if she were touching Saeyoung himself instead of a mere photography of him.
MC had stared at it without realising the time that passed. As she finally regained control about her wandering thoughts, she shook her head to clear her mind. Slowly, she began to open folders and pages until she found the program she was looking for. '01010000 01101000 01101111 01101110 01100101'. MC had remembered the funny name, but converted the phrase to be sure. She smirked slightly, as she read the output a second time. He really loved binary codes.
After she opened it and put in the requested data, a loading screen appeared, showing a small red and yellow striped cat with glasses, that ran over the screen. Tears began to disturb her vision at the sight of it. Everything he did, had so much love for details in it. With shivering fingertips she traced her jaw, the way he always had. MC desperately missed and craved that love. Saeyoung had to come back. She would do everything to change his mind and make him stay this time, make him love her. No matter how dangerous his live was, they belonged together.
She lost track of time, caught up in memories again. Every now and then she glanced at the screen, waiting for something new to happen. As the cat was about to reach the right corner of the loading bar, the screen went black with a red skull on it and a message in huge blood red letters.
"Stop looking for me."
MC couldn't take her eyes off, a gasp escaped her mouth, and she began to sob from joy. A message from him, finally. She had reached him!
It took awhile for her to realise what he had written. In denial of the truth, tears still ran down her face, dampening her skin and shirt, but now they were pure sadness. The program disappeared, deleting itself from the desktop before the monitor went black in front of her. Darkness mirrored her blank expression.
Saeyoung had taken control of his computer within minutes and blocked her efforts once more. Another path that led to him was gone now, forever. She should have known he would detect one of his own, 'perfect and undetectable' tracking programs. How could she have been this stupid. Of course he wouldn't fall for it. Her hands began to shake uncontrollably and the cramps came back more painful, forcing her to hold her stomach in a desperate attempt to lighten the sting.
Groans of pain, both physically and psychologically, filled the air. MC had given up on muffeling the sounds. It wouldn't change a thing now. Saeran would hear her anyway, and she didn't have the strength to care anymore.
Hewwo everyone! I completely forgot this chapter had not been uploaded yet and stressed over typing the next one. Am I an idiot sometimes? YES!
I feel like the last chapters were cute. This one.. not as much. I felt like MC just had to have some flaws to be an authentic character in this story. If someone feels bad about the traits I chose - I don't want to trigger anyone. I added a warning on top. If it still makes you feel bad, you can always comment and share your concerns!
What do you think about this chapter?
The things we’ve lost Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8
The things we cannot have: Part two ~ The things we follow 1
Story: The things we cannot have
Part: The things we follow
Chapter: 1
Fandom: Mystic Messenger
Characters: Saeran, Saeyoung, MC
Hewwo! First part of ttwch done, Second part - here we go! Changes are going to happen and I really hope you like them!
Of all the places that she could have chosen to go to to handle their little problem she had picked the absolute worst one possible. While he was very sure she knew how much her choice affected him and his mental stability, he wondered why she made this place their destination. There were other places like this. Less crowded ones, cheaper ones, and so on. Endless possibilities. And he would have liked any of them better.
His gaze moved from the clock on the high wall to the wooden door, then to MC and back to the clock again. It’s been almost three hours and by now he knew every little detail in this room. But with passing time his anxieties grew. She had explained to him that it would take some time. That he didn’t have to accompany her. But he just grunted and grabbed his black leather jacket he had worn so often in the past. Now he wasn’t as unhealthy and skinny anymore but sometimes it still slid down over his shoulder. Back then he didn’t care. Saeran had liked it when people could see and admire his tattoo. It was a promise he had made to Mint Eye at an age where he didn’t realise how wrong and blinded he was.
Again his eyes followed the path and he twitched when MC was no longer on the chair she had leaned in. Worry immediately clouded his mind, filling it with questions that screamed at him whether she had left without him. Maybe he had done something to hurt her again and she was trying to run away. His fists clenched, leaving tiny red marks on his hands. There was no way he would leave her alone, even if she tried to run away.
He roamed the room and looked everywhere to find her. She was nowhere to be found. Even the employee that had cared for MC had disappeared. She must have left without him. He tormented his own mind again, wondering how he could have been this careless. He moved towards the door to look outside for her, but a quiet chuckle from behind stopped him mid movement.
Saeran could feel her breath in his neck as she pulled closer from behind within a second. Two small hands covered his eyes. He knew these hands as well as the voice and the person they belonged to. MC. The girl that had stolen his mind. He relaxed a little as he fully realised she was still around. At least he knew where she was. But he disliked what her hands were doing. Not being able to see still scared him.
Not in a mood to play around, he took her by her wrists and pulled her hands away from his eyes. Immediately she let out a disapproving sound and tried to bring herself back in position. But MC had no chance against him since he had trained to protect her better than back when she ended up in the hospital. First it had seemed useless but as weeks passed he had become stronger, less thin and more defined. And he knew she had realised that change, too.
Saeran turned around and brought her hands up high over her head where he held them tightly even as she tried to free herself. She pouted but stopped resisting when he wouldn’t stop. Instead a grin formed on her face and that smirk on her lips surprised him enough to let go. Her appearance did the rest.
She had explained it. They had talked about it in the car on their way here. She had even shown him photos and asked him for his opinion about some of them. But none of that had prepared him for this moment. MC’s appointment at the hairdresser was...drastic.
“What do you think? Do you like it?” Her eyes lit up and the smirk on her lips grew even wider when she caught him staring at her. For once in weeks she looked actually happy.
Her once long, brown hair was a bit shorter now. Something normal as she had explained. To keep it healthy. So nothing out of the ordinary. What really threw him off was the colour she had chosen. It was no longer a deep shade of hazelnut with a tint of orange. Her hair was the colour of snow now with a slight bit of pink at the ends. It looked exactly the way his had once.
She took a lock of her hair to play with it as she averted her eyes. The longer he didn’t answer the more nervous she looked. A tiny blush formed on her cheeks and Saeran was at a loss for words. He knew she wanted a change. But this one surprised and confused him more than anything ever had. On the other hand he had to say SOMETHING since she still waited for a reaction from his side.
“You.. uhm..,” he struggled for words. What should he answer? She looked stunning, as beautiful as ever, even better. The colour made her seem a little more pale but it only enhanced her porcelain skin. And he wasn’t sure but her eyes seemed to shine in a even brighter shade of caramel. Right now he couldn’t imagine something more breathtaking than her.
“..eh..Princ...bea-,” he mumbled, not able to look at her as he tried to cover his stutter with a cough. But there was no way she hadn’t realised that. His face turned a shade darker than before - a red shade. He could feel the heat on his face and turned away from her, looking at the first object in front of him while he tried to collect himself. Had he just almost called her princess? It was so embarrassing. Saeran wished to disappear from this planet here and now.
He always called her like that when he thought about her. She was his princess. Sweet and innocent. Adorable. And no matter how much he hoped and wished for her to be by his side, she wasn’t his to take. This wasn’t a miracle in which he could be the white knight and save her. She was his twin brothers girlfriend. Ex - girlfriend. Either way she wasn’t over her feelings for Saeyoung. And Saeran wouldn’t force her. That one kiss he had stolen had been risky enough. He desperately wished for another one but didn’t dare to push the topic.
A hand gently touched him and MC looked at him from the right. When their eyes met she squeezed his shoulder a little and grinned. “Princess? Saeran, that’s something good, right?” Now there was no more questions whether she had heard him before or not. So even if he denied it, she would know. A faint blush appeared on his cheeks again as he bit his lip and told her the truth. She became ecstatic when he nodded. A smile plastered all over her face as she laughed, and for the first time in months she sounded genuinely happy.
“And now it’s your turn!” The sly smirk on her face in combination with her crossed arms meant danger. She was up to something and he knew very well.
“My turn?”
“We’ll get your hair all changed up. Something completely new,” she suggested and made a sign with her hands, showing him to the hairdressers chair. Saeran froze immediately. He didn’t feel too well around others, especially around strangers. Visiting the mall already made him anxious to a point he could barely stand. The loud noises, the stares, everything stressed him out and added to his headache. He had coped with it until now to make her happy. But having someone touch him and cut or colour his hair was not an option.
She must have ignored the signs because she began pushing him towards the seat. A growl escaped his mouth as he pushed against her with all his strength. But MC didn’t give up and used all her strength too. When he realised he couldn’t win this way against the most stubborn girl in the planet. he took a tiny step to the side.
The sudden movement sent MC stumbling towards the floor but she never touched the ground. Two arms held her waist and put her back on her feet.
“Careful, would be a shame if you fell,” Saeran chuckled. Her head changed colour and she mumbled his name with a annoyed pout. The same reactions as always when she didn’t get what she wanted. It only made her more adorable.
“Don’t be so stubborn. It’s just hair.” The expression on her face told him not to argue but he would if he had to. Again she moved closer, trying to move him towards the chair.
“It’s not about the hair, MC. I just don’t want to physical contact with anyone right now.” It had come out harsher than he wanted to but finally she stopped. She seemed to think about something before she opened her mouth again.
“Not even me?” Sadness covered her eyes. He must have said something wrong again.
“You’re different,” he whispered and put a strand of hair behind her ear. It felt silky and smooth. He wished he could brush them, braid them, anything. Maybe just play with them for hours while they both sit on the couch and watch one of the movies she had been talking about.
Saeran was so consumed in his thoughts he didn't realise she stared at him. She couldn’t seem to believe what was happening to her in that moment. Then he stopped and hid his hands in his pockets again. After a short while she collected herself.
“Wait here for me,” MC told him and grabbed some tubes from the counter before she went to the check out. He curiously grabbed them from her hands when she came back and read the labels while they both walked through the crowded mall. It was a bottle of bleach, a toner and a pink die. He wondered why she bought them and came to the only possible conclusion. She wanted to do her hair herself at home the next time.
Just as he wanted to ask her about it she grabbed his arm and pulled him after her through a huge hallway. He didn’t mind and followed her. On the other side was a small ice cream seller. At the sight, his eyes lit up in excitement. He would always crave some good ice cream, especially mint flavour with tiny chocolate pieces, which was exactly the flavour MC ordered for two. She handed him the cone and they headed back to the exit and the parking lot where the car stood.
They had chosen one of Seven’s less fancy cars to drive. Neither of them wanted the attention the fancy sports cars provided. The bodyguards still insisted on driving them but Saeran’s glares would keep them at bay when he wanted to. This way he and MC could choose wherever they wanted to drive to and their guards followed in a separate car.
By the time they reached the parking lot, Saeran was only halfway done with his cone so he leaned against the car, licking the cold sweet with joy. When MC giggled and her hair slightly flew in the wind, he grinned a bit. This ice cream was amazing. MC was happy. The clouds formed the most beautiful and surreal formations today. This was a good day. All the heartache and anxiety from before in the crowded mall was blown away by the wind that played with long white hair.
Links to the other parts
The things we’ve lost Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8
The things we cannot have: Part one ~ The things we’ve lost 8 (last chapter for the part)
Here’s the last chapter for the very first part of this project. Up to this point, this was all written one chapter per night with a back that killed me, just before I collapsed.
These chapters were the only reason for me to wake up at all. It was a horrible time.
Just like my situation got better, Saeran and MC’s situation will eventually change. I hope you’ll enjoy it once more!
Somehow the bodyguards had found them and brought them back to the bunker after Saeran’s treatment. Neither Mc or him had been able to drive or talk after their encounter with the person they had believed to never see again.
For days their phones rang again and again but neither of them could gather the strength to get up or talk to anyone. The RFA members began to visit them again but nothing seemed to change this time. It was as if the last month and all the progress the two had made hadn’t happened at all. They wouldn’t talk. Not to their friends and not to each other. They wouldn’t go outside. And with the lost progress even spoken words had left the bunker they shared as a home.
Saeyong had left them again without looking back. The situation was so similar to the last time, it pained them even more whenever the memories popped up in their heads. As if one time had not been enough. And Saeran really had enough of it. He didn’t want to believe in his brother anymore. Not again. Seven had his chances countless times and he had thrown them away without hesistation. Not trusting someone and keeping secrets had been accepted somehow but this was different - it had pulverized the base of trust they had.
It had taken Saeran more than a year to accept his twin back in his life. To see him every day and live in the same home. He had worked so hard and long to give him a chance after he decided to move in with him. The look on Saeyongs face had been pure and happy. And yet the redheaded hacker failed him. Another chance and the same outcome. Saeran couldn’t bear with it any longer.
These days MC had the worst mood swings he had ever seen in a person. One moment she would call him, with an excitement in her voice he couldn’t even imagine, because she had found a new awesome ice cream flavour combination she wanted him to try. Other moments would follow where shadows darkened her face, before she went silent and ran out of the room sobbing. She wouldn’t talk to him anymore. Even if he tried she blocked him out every single time. But at night he hugged him desperately or clawed at his shirt and her tears left his clothes damp.
A letter informed them that the bunker now officially belonged to Saeran. He hadn’t asked for it but he accepted the gift without questioning it further. He would need a place to stay and he liked the safety this place provided, especially after the attack on MC. And somewhere deep in his mind an idea of him and MC here, happy, still had him captivated.
The night he had kissed her was nowhere near the situations he had imagined in his head. Back then he had wanted to wait way longer. Maybe after a few months she would slowly forget Saeyong and see him, right beside her. And when she was ready for it, he might have given her flowers or other things she liked. Things that made her so happy, her eyes would shine brighter than usual. Step by step he would fight his way into her heart and cure the pain his twin had left.
And then, after all that, he had planned to gently surround her and confess his feelings that grew deep inside his heart like the roots of a flower despite all the pain he was in. Saeran wanted her to feel the same. With every breath he ached for that unsure moment in the future. If he would ever get there, he swore to himself, the kiss he would plant on her lips would be gentle and as sweet as her favourite ice cream.
So he officially offered her to stay as long as she wanted to. He even told her that he was glad she was here with him. But all she did was look away and hide herself under the pile of countless blankets and pillows in the living room.
When he crawled underneath the blankets this night, she was still awake, her back turned to him. She wouldn’t turn around to face him, but she finally spoke. It was a soft mumble, barely a sound. Additionally she was shivering, so he moved closer, trying to warm her a little through body contact.
“Saeran, I can’t stay like this any longer.”
His heart skipped a beat at the sound of her words. What was this supposed to mean? When she went on talking, he realised he had held his breath all this time. Her quivering voice startled him even more. And she told him how everything in the bunker reminded her of Saeyong. How it sickened her every second. That she couldn’t stop thinking about him since they had seen him in the hospital. After a break she quietly added “even you remind me of him. I’m sorry Saeran, I know you’re not the same. I really do. It’s just…,” she stopped and took a deep breath as if to relax herself. “You look so similar. And you’re so nice to me. I don’t think I can handle it.”
Everything inside him froze when she told him again, that he reminded her of his brother. He hated it. How could she still compare him with this idiot? He bit his lip which began to bleed a little again, but this time his rage couldn’t consume him. He was prepared to fight his emotions this time.
So he remained quiet, trying to take the painful words in. He really tried to understand them, for her sake. He couldn’t allow to scare her any more and endanger his dream. Instead had to protect her, as much as Saeyong hadn’t. Saeran swore to himself he wouldn’t break his promises.
So instead of getting angry at her for comparing them, he asked what he should do, what might help her.
Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7
First part done, at least three more to go.
Hey, I’m interested. Are you team Saeran or should Saeyoung get another chance?
The things we cannot have: Part one - The things we’ve lost 5
She had woken up earlier than usual. Somehow she had fallen from the bed she had slept in seconds before. A single look at the other person in the room told her she had not woken him up. Which was good. Concerned she watched him sleep for a while until she decided to leave him alone for now. She was in desperate need for some water and didn’t want to wake him up for such a minor reason.
Slowly MC stood up and tiptoed to the door before she opened it, sneaking towards the kitchen. The rooms were lighted by dimmed neon signs that had all kinds of warnings on them. She didn’t mind them anymore. Just like most of her surroundings. At least they kept the darkness a bit further away.
Emotions circled in her and tried to reach the surface but with every day that had passed, she had gotten better in controlling them. Suppressing them if necessary. Whenever they threatened to overwhelm her she locked herself in the bathroom until they passed by.
Saeran had questioned her behaviour often in the first days after they had come home again. Whenever she left the room he followed immediately. The bathroom became her safe place. A heaven for her to be alone.
Somehow his presence pressured her. Saeras existence took the air out of her lungs and filled her head with memories of his twin. When she was half asleep she would confuse him with Saeyong just to realise her mistake seconds after. It ripped her wounds open again and again in a never ending circle. And she didn’t know how to escape it.
The urge to get away from him had grown with the passing days. First it was a small ache in her heart but now it was pain, blinding pain that filled her heart whenever she looked at his face. His concerned looks didn’t help at all.
He looked just like Saeyong. Again she cursed the fact they were twins.
After a glass of water her thirst still wasn’t stilled. A chill accompanied the feeling. She sighed, and a slight regret crept up her spine. She should have slipped into warmer clothes.
Yet her body wouldn’t move. She would wake him up. He would orbit around her again. No. NO! She didn’t want to see his face. If there was a way to enjoy the loneliness of the night any longer without the redhead she would gladly take the opportunity. Just a little bit longer before she had to face him again.
The temperature was getting more uncomfortable which made her decide to drink something warm instead to heat her up from the inside. A hot chocolate ignited her searching eyes. Perfect.
The hot beverage didn’t take long to make. She took it and sat down on the sofa in the living room, across Saeyongs working place. The photo of her, the twins and the RFA members caught her eyes. They had taken it short after she and her boyfriend had saved Saeran with Vanderwoods help. Everybody had come over to celebrate the success of the last fundraising party. These had been happier days.
She didn’t realise the tears. They would fill her eyes, coat her face, and drip to the floor. Here and there she would sip on the cacao, deep in thought about the past. Memories kept coming up, reminding her of everything that had went wrong.
The relationship had not always been happy and she knew that. Ups and downs had come but after every fight they had come out stronger than before. Their love had been strong, she was sure about it. But still a single word haunted her. Why. Why had he thrown everything away. Didn’t he believe in her anymore, in their relationship? Had he found somebody else?
Quiet whimpers escaped her mouth before she could suppress them. Immediately she held her breath, covering her mouth with her empty hand. And listened for signs. Not a single sound filled the bunker. Slowly she began to relax and put her hand away again. He was still asleep. Good.
An hour had passed and she drank her second mug filled with the hot sweet drink. The picture still haunted her. Somehow she couldn’t look away or avert her eyes. Without her consent they would wander there again and again and she was sick of it. To free her mind she shook her head and stood up in a swift motion to bring the mug back into the kitchen before she could fall asleep with it still in her hand.
A person peeled from the shadow of the hallway, following her. The second she heard the voice, she froze. He had called out to her but she wouldn’t respond. All of the bottled up pain kicked in again with full force, her knees went weak, and she dropped to the floor.
Just before MC could hit the floor he caught her. With both his hands gripping her arm and waist he pulled her upwards again. Helped her stand so she couldn’t slip away again. Her eyes filled with tears again. She had wanted to escape her memories, escape this face that was burned into her brain. But here in the dark it looked even more real that it did with the lights on. She knew it was Saeran that held her in his grip but all she could see was Saeyong’s face.
And she screamed. Yelled at him to get away from her, to leave and never come back. His expressions darkened at her demands, as if all emotion left him. As if he was dying inside. She could see the pain enter and leave his eyes again and none was left in these mint colored eyes that proved he was not Saeyong at all.
“What is wrong with you,” he growled, as he grabbed both of her upper arms and shook her angrily. She screeched as an answer, trying to push him away but she couldn’t escape his unforgiving grip. Finally she glared into his eyes and screamed at him: “I can’t do this anymore, OK?! I really try to survive the fact he left me but everytime I see you I just…,” she paused, gasping for air before she continued.
“It rips me APART, Saeran! Everytime I think it would be HIM and it hurts AGAIN! I can’t look at you anymore because every single time I do, I see HIM!”, she blasted out, shivering beyond control. His mouth opened a little, disbelief plastered all over his face. His brother had left many days ago and still he haunted both of them. How could she ever compare him with that person?
“I know you’re not him, but you feel like him! You sound so similar, you even look exactly like him. And I’m so sick of seeing your, seeing HIS face EVERY SINGLE DAY, Saeran!” Her accusations hit a spot deep in his heart, destroying walls that had been kept up for too long. He hissed through his teeth, eyes closed to mere slits. Anger welled up inside him, flooded his mind, and took every bit of restraint with it.
Immediately he pushed her against the kitchen wall, pressing both her wrists above her head with one hand, the other under her chin. In a abrupt and brutal motion he pulled her head upwards, forcing her to look into his face that hovered mere centimeters in front of hers.
Surprised by the anger and violent action she grasped for air, staring at him in disbelief.
“MC,” he hissed again, so close she could feel his breath on her skin. The feeling gave her goosebumps and weakened her knees again. If he hadn’t held her ass brutal as he did, she would have slid down the wall towards the ground.
“Never EVER compare us again. I think you need to be TAUGHT he and I are not the same,” he threatened, his voice deeper filled with hazard.
In this moment he forced his lips on her, pressing her against the wall with his body. And MC realised he definitely wasn’t Saeyong.
At the thirty-first night she broke. Sobbing beyond control she fought her way through the night while Saeran hold her in his arms. He couldn’t find words to comfort her or himself and he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. His brother had left both of them and he didn’t care at all. He wouldn’t came back.
He let go of the walls he had carefully pulled up and the straight face he had kept to help MC crumbled under the endless tears. It was liberating to some degree. All the emotions he had bottled up until now slipped out, burying him underneath them. When the morning came they both fell asleep at the end of their strength.
The things we cannot have: Part one - The things we’ve lost 4
Saeran had been told to call a nurse as soon as she would wake up but his emotions made him wait, hesitate. Maybe it would be alright. Maybe he could hold her, just a little bit longer before she might be taken away by the doctors. She was awake, so she should be alright. Right?
The idea made him shiver, grossed out by his own thought. Had he really just put his own wishes before MC’s health? He must have gone crazy. Since when had he become so possessive - again? He didn’t want to admit it, neither did he want to allow himself to give in to the feeling. But he wanted to possess this girl, keep her close, so he wouldn’t be alone again. Her warmth and her voice for him alone to shelter him from the pain. He wanted her to belong to him alone.
Voices in his mind tormented him, fighting over his senses and the decision he was about to make. Noone other than him should see her in this state. He had to guard her from the world's eyes, keep her safe from another attack! The doctors, the nurses, EVERYONE could be the next one to hurt her! Especially his twin brother. He would keep the idiot that had hurt her feelings as far from her as he could.
Another voice joined him, deepening the headache that controlled him more with every passing second. What if she didn’t want to be close to him? She would run away and get hurt again. Her nightmares would keep her from sleeping and as far as he knew she wouldn’t even eat as long as nobody reminded her to do so. Even more scenarios flooded in, forcing him to grab his head with both of his hands in a desperate attempt to dampen the ache.
“Saeran?” Her voice reached him as if from far away. He didn’t realise it when she moved a little forward to turn around and get a better picture of what was happening. Startled by the look on his face she held her breath and hesitated to make a move as not to scare him in his state. But when she heard him wincing she couldn’t hold herself back any longer.
Immediately she hugged her arms around his head, pressing him to her chest and whispering sweet words to distract him from his growing panic attack. It took minutes to get him to shiver less and some more to reduce it into a heavy breathing. She’d count the seconds for him to produce something he could hold onto, something to trust. Still his hands held hers in a tight grip around his head. Both of them had been so possessed by his demons, none had noticed when he had reached out for her.
“You’re awake again..,” he pressed between his lips, clearly struggling with words. She nodded as an answer, not even thinking about why it was something that terrified him like that. In an attempt to make him look at her she gently squeezed his hand before she pulled back to brush a strand of hair from his face. His eyes followed her every movement, still filled with emotions she wished to never see again.
Continuously she would brush his hair in slow motions with her fingers until he stopped her by gently holding her wrist. With his voice trembling he slowly explained to her what had happened at the garden they had visited a week ago and everything that had happened after that until this day. Of course she had questions. And he would make sure to answer them all without a single exception. He wouldn’t hide anything from her. If it was her, he didn't need to keep a single secret.
Suddenly she shivered and tears welled up when she realised what the mens’ intentions had been. He could understand the helplessness she felt, it had been his companion for a long time. By the time he finished his explanations the sun had risen high in the sky already, forecasting a beautiful day. The expression on her face told him otherwise. It would be a horrible day for both of them.
The thought of leaving her behind only for a second left a foul taste on his tongue. No way he was going to do that. On the other hand, it had to be done. Unwilling he sat up from the bed they had shared for so many nights when she suddenly grabbed his waist and pulled him back.
“Don’t leave me,” she hummed, placing her head against his chest. Of course she could hear the fastened beat the surprise had caused. After hesitating for a few seconds, struggling with thoughts about what he should do, he hugged her gently before he touched her chin with his fingers to lift it. This way he could see the expression on her face more clear. It screamed at him, begged him not to leave her alone.
A small scowl fled his lips as he pressed her back to his chest and hid his face in her hair. Before that he didn’t want to go but now it seemed impossible to him. Minutes passed again while he thought about how she had acquired so much power over his thoughts.
“MC, I need to get a nurse to look after you,” he left out a sigh, filled with a painful sound. Immediately the girl would shake her head, which clearly screamed no. It would take a long time to finally convince her to let him go. And he hated every step of the way there. When she finally accepted his pleading, he hid his face deeper in her hair, taking a deep breath of it’s scent before he left her alone on the bed to call one of the nurses.
Within seconds a lady dressed in white clothes rushed in and began her routine check-ups to see if MC had suffered any damage besides the almost healed scratches on her body. Afterwards doctors would ensure her health a second time before she got an ‘ok’ to leave the hospital the next morning. Even if the tests didn’t show any negative results, they made her stay one more night for surveillance, which might have been caused by Jumin.
Jumin’s bodyguards brought them back to the bunker after MC’s last checkup the next morning. It still seemed unreal to her that she was unconscious for a whole week. Which meant it was almost a month since Saeyong was gone. Again they would spend her days mostly indoors after Saeran had made sure no security guard entered his house.
From now on they couldn’t make a single step outside the bunker without the supervision of their new guards. They didn’t feel any better with them but Jumin wouldn’t accept MC’s wish to send them away. Saeran had saved her and she knew that. She trusted him with her live, so he was enough in her opinion.
Days passed and MC became more nervous. She slowly understood Saeyong was gone. And the more she struggled against it, the harder it was during nighttime to sleep or at least cry quietly to not wake Saeran who still slept next to her every night.
The things we cannot have: Part one - The things we’ve lost 2
None of them had ever thought to end up in this situation. A few days had passed already without them knowing time had passed at all. On the same time it felt as if it was rushing away from them. Like sleepwalkers they existed in their bubble of a home without a goal or motivation. It was a week since Saeyong had left. And still they were alone in the bunker.
Caring about themselves had become more distant than ever, but they cared for the other one. When she cried, he would hold her until she went back to her lifeless self. When he screamed and destroyed everything in sight including himself, she would grab his wrists and stopped him from dealing more damage. Without words they spent their time in each others company with questions none of them dared to ask.
They both couldn’t eat much but tried to motivate each other to eat at least once a day. Their friends tried to persuade them to go out with them, come over or go eat something with them. But every time one of them declined. Not ready to face the world outside the door Saeyong had closed in front of them.
When Yoosung found out there was no food left he came over more often and cooked for them, always leaving meals in their fridge. He went as far as bringing them fresh ice cream and stocking up on everything they needed without a single question. The blonde had a feeling they weren’t ready yet to talk or operate like humans yet.
Day after day one of the RFA members came over to look after them, trying to cheer them up or helping them with simple tasks up but nothing would work. The wounds Seven had left were too fresh, too deep to be ignored.
On the fourteenth day Mc decided they had to go out, see the sun, get groceries, anything. Something normal outside the bunker. Saeran would follow her without a word, not wanting to be alone. His brother had broken his promises again when he left. The quiet redhead was different. He was better than that and he constantly told that to himself to not break down. And while he could survive the days on his own by ignoring his feelings, they would always follow him, ready to haunt him during the nights. Whenever he fell asleep he’d dream about the moments when Saeyong left him without looking back. He would wake up either screaming or shaken by MC and her scared expression.
MC told herself that Saeyong would return if she waited long enough. Whatever hazard he was so afraid of - he would defeat it and come back to her. He was brilliant so of course he would. And as long as the sun was up she could always believe the lies she told herself. But with sunset her fears consumed her night after night. Making her cry again, struggling with insomnia until she gave up on sleep and slowly shuffled into the living room where she munched ice cream or watched movies with Saeran whenever his nightmares kept him from sleeping. Every morning they would wake up on the couch cuddled closely to each other. It became their ritual, one to give each other strength to get through another night full of pain.
On the twentieth day they went out for the second time. This time Saeran had decided to get ice cream. Since MC ate as much of the sweet dish as him, they were left with none. They had thought about walking first since the only cars in the garage belonged to Saeyong but decided against it in the end. It was a small step but they didn’t want to run from that as well. So they went with the first car in sight, trying to forget to whom it belonged.
On their way Saeran decided to make a stop at a garden he had liked a lot. Maybe she would like it too. Maybe she would smile. When he stopped at the parking lot she looked at him with her big eyes asking what they were doing here. So he nodded with the biggest smirk he could accomplish, trying to motivate her to leave the car. And so she did.
Slowly they strolled through the garden under the muted sun, looking at one flower after another. MC had never been as obsessed with them as he was so she just followed him but today they couldn’t fascinate him either. It didn’t take long until both decided to leave this place. It didn’t spark joy as they had hoped, it only left them more depressed.
Before they left Saeran went to take some flowers with them. They didn’t make him as happy as they once had but he liked the idea to put them into the living room. These special ones would fit the best for his mood now. On his way out another sort caught his eye. He disliked these for their meaning in the language of flowers but they suited the situation even better so he picked them as well. Before that he had never thought of combining these two. But they complimented each other better than he could have imagined.
When MC saw them, a sad smile appeared on her face.
“So you chose these? It fits,” she mumbled. Years ago he had taught her the meaning of some flowers and these were ones she recognized immediately. He nodded without an answer. There was no need for more words. They had learned to communicate without sounds on those lonely days.
The things we cannot have: Part two ~ The things we follow 4
Story: The things we cannot have
Part: The things we follow
Chapter: 4
Fandom: Mystic Messenger
Characters: Saeran, Saeyoung, MC
Saeran had woken up again as he heard her muffled screams. Immediately he shuffled to the other side of the bed to comfort her as always, just to find her gone. A quick glance over his surroundings told him she wasn’t in this room anymore. He rushed towards the door only to find it closed, and locked. The white haired couldn’t believe it. She had run away from him multiple times and as much as it pained him, he learned to live with that.
Never had she ever locked him out. Saeran squeezed his hands to fists, banging against the door. No reaction. Swearing every bad word he knew, he searched through the bedroom to find something that might help him pick the lock. For hell’s sake, he wouldn’t stay in this room if she was crying outside. Even if she wanted him to leave her be.
Minutes passed before he had found some tools he deemed worthy. In the end almost every drawer and corner was opened and devastated in his attempt to find keys or anything that might help him. Even more minutes passed while he was on one knee, working with shivering hands, before the lock finally gave in and made a quiet clicking noise, hinting the door wasn’t blocked any longer.
As the bedroom door banged open and Saeran blasted out of the room towards her, she didn’t react at all, caught deep inside her own thoughts. He shook her shoulders heavily, and called her name, trying to bring her back to the surface, but none of his actions helped. Desperately, he screamed at her to return, to not leave him alone. Between shaking and screaming, he asked what had happened to her. Her eyes stayed emotionless, only producing more tears, as he pulled her close and carried her towards the couch in the living room where he rocked her back and forth, stroking her hair until the end of the night.
Saeran knew she must have done something on that computer that belonged to his twin. He had thought about throwing the thing out before, but until now he didn’t have a reason to. Now he couldn’t anymore. MC had done something there that had caused another mental breakdown of hers, and he doubted she would tell him what exactly that had been.
Still rocking her body back and forth, he glared at the computer from the corner of his eye. This had been another mistake. He had caused her pain again. Everything had been on a good path. Now he had a feeling he would have to start all over again, trying to help her stabilize herself. It felt like a never ending circle. Just when he dared to hope for happiness, new problems appeared.
He furrowed his brows subconsciously, letting out a deep sigh. Was this the punishment for all his sins? He knew he deserved it, but he didn’t want her to be a part of the pain. She should be happier, but somehow she wasn’t.
It seemed like demons still haunted her. No matter how many wonderful days they spent together, he still woke up to her crying next to him. He knew something was up, he had known all along, but as long as she wouldn’t talk, he would not ask questions. If he asked too early, she would only move further away again.
With another sigh he gently stroke her hair and pulled a strand behind her ear to keep it from hiding her face. Tears had left dark marks on her cheeks where they had run down her skin. As he tried to brush them away she grabbed his wrist before he could touch her.
“Don’t.”
One word was enough to keep him from another movement. In silence they stayed on the sofa, still slowly rocking back and forth. Her tears eventually dried along with her declining sobs to an eerie silence that none of them dared to break.
-
Saeran shuffeld from side to side as he tried to find a more comfortable position to sleep. The sofa was soft, but after some hours his back ached. Still he didn’t dare to stand up and leave the room. Just let her sleep, he thought. Give her the peace she needs. She will return your feelings one day.
He bit his lip, as anger flared up. What a waste of time and hope this was. MC would never fall for him, as long as his brother was around. Even after all this time she still had feelings for the idiot. She was still in love with Saeyoung. He could see it in her eyes. Whatever he did, it wasn’t enough. The flowers, the ice cream dates, even the hairdresser thing, nothing seemed to make her laugh the way he had done.
The voices in his head wouldn’t stop nagging him. One tried to tell him that he was good enough and that she just needed more time. The other screamed at him to make her love him by force, no matter what the consequences were. Both mixed to a maniac laughter, that tormented him until he couldn’t take it anymore.
In one motion he pushed her away and rushed away from the couch and towards the computer she had used before. Saeyoung might have thrown her out, but he couldn’t compete with him.
He was better than this idiot. He wouldn’t lose. He was the strongest.
Hey peeps! Sorry for the shorter chapter - my back pains are going strong so I can’t sit around as much as I used to. -> shorter chapters.
I won’t edit as much as I have either. I feel terrible, but I don’t want to give up on this story.
The things we’ve lost Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8
The things we follow Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4
