SDV Fic - Chapter 6: Memories Are a Collection
Fic Title: The Things We Want
Fic Summary: Seb has moved back to the Valley where he'd hoped everything would be the same as it was three years ago... but it couldn't be more different. His friends are not what he remembers, his ex is with someone new, and only his mom seems happy that he's come back. There's also an irritating farmer whom everyone seems to love except him... but maybe she might be good for redefining his image.
A small town romance with tropes like yearning, fake dating, family drama, and healing in your twenties.
Read On AO3
Chapter Summary: Memory is a mirror for how we process present day emotions. Some of Seb and Dot's paralleled experiences are shown in this chapter.
CW: (Small spoiler alert) This is an angsty chapter, dealing heavily with feelings of self-worth and ability. Mentions of alcohol dependency are present. There is some strong, negative language about sexuality, mental health, and dismissive dialogue about loss of a parent. Particularly in part 4, Seb's memory of what happened at Christmas, there are several moments that allude to suicide. Please proceed with caution if these are topics you are sensitive to.
Rating: Explicit
Word Count: 7,560
A/N: Big thanks to my friend, @silverscripts, for proofreading this chapter and helping me be the best writer I can be. Love you, bae.
Full chapter below the break
Across time, in the past, Dot is a little girl running in the small apple orchard at the back of her grandparent’s property. Her toothy grin is surrounded by the tell-tale stickiness of an apple thief stealing too many bites of the ripe fruit growing around her like red and gold stars. Her stomach is full of the spoils of harvest – raspberries, strawberries, apples – she couldn’t stop herself from gobbling handfuls of fruits and savoring the sweet tastes on her tongue.
“Dottie! Time to come in and wash up!” Her grandmother is getting older, she’s heard mommy say it enough times to know it true, but the woman still seems sturdy in this memory. Her white hair has been swept off her neck to battle against the late summer heat, but like her, Grandma has always had white hair.
It makes aging easier, Grandma would joke when it was just them huddled around the fireplace with either iced tea or hot cocoa before settling in for sleep. People never seem to know your age when you have hair as pale as ours.
Dot loves the similarities between her and Grandma. Loves that their hair is the same color, loves that they both enjoy pink cake and chocolate milk, loves that she’s named after this grandma.
Well, she’s named after both grandmas, but her father’s mother is mean, and Eleanor never wants to see her. Dorothy, on the other hand, loves when Dot comes to visit, and often gives her mother reasons to bring her over more often.
The poppies are in season, Dottie has to see ‘em!
I have too many tomatoes this year, why don’t you plan a long weekend and bring Dottie along with you? I have more than enough to give.
When are Dot’s school breaks? When can I have her?
Grandpa passed last year, and Grandma has been mighty lonely, or at least that’s what she says when she begs her daughter to let Dot come nearly every weekend to the farm. Dot’s mother, Mona, sometimes stays at the farm, too, but Dot would be lying if she said she didn’t prefer when it was just Grandma and her.
Her time there is precious, she even knew it back then, and strived to mark every memory down as law in her brain so she’d never forget the way she felt so free in the fields outside the house. How happy she felt in her grandma’s embrace.
“Did you have an adventure today, darlin’?” Grandma asked when Dottie finally made it to the porch.
She heaves in heavy breaths, her heart beating wildly as she grins. “I saw three crows! Yelled at ‘em to get off the crops!”
Grandma laughs, a sound that’s as refreshing as the rare breeze on a hot day, “That’s wonderful, honey, come on in.”
“One day, Grandma, I’m going to be a farmer.” She beamed as the warm washcloth caressed her cheeks, the sticky juices finally wiped away. “I’m gonna make you the best blueberry jam!”
“I don’t doubt it,” Grandma smiled, a wistful, sad smile that made Dot frown.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’ for you to worry about,” she groaned as she stood, throwing the washcloth into the pile of towels in need of washing. “Just thinking about you all grown up, is all.”
“I have time,” Dot replies lightly, “Mommy says I have years ‘til I’m an adult.”
“That you do,” Grandma slides the bowl of mushrooms towards her, the unsaid job of picking the stems out clear in Dot’s mind. “You are going to be such a great grownup, Dottie, I just know it.”
She smiles, kicking her feet on the kitchen chair as she starts her task for dinner. “You’ll be there, too. Mommy said we’ll live with you someday maybe.”
Grandma pauses, and at the time Dot didn’t understand what her grandma’s pensive look meant. That she was still sweet, innocent, and didn’t know that their time together was growing rather short. Dot didn’t understand that her grandma already knew her diagnosis, and that all this time together was more for Grandma than it ever was for Dot.
“Of course, sweetheart, I’ll be here as long as the lord intends.” She points down to the bowl. “Now get going, those mushrooms won’t prepare themselves.”
Years later, Dot wishes her grandma could see her now amongst the blueberry bushes that still grow fruit all these years later, and the neat rows of crops that she’s grown all by herself.
She wonders if Grandma would be proud of her… if she is the kind of adult Grandma was so convinced she’d be.
~
Will I ever be enough?
~
“Sebastian Issac Wright,” his name rings out over the gymnasium speakers, and the audience claps for him like they did all the other students before him.
It’s his eighth-grade graduation, and there’s exactly forty-eight kids in his class. Thankfully, the ceremony wraps up with the singular person who comes after Seb alphabetically, and suddenly caps are being thrown, flowers are being given, and he’s being pushed off the stage by the faculty to go find his family.
Huh, for some reason he thought this would feel like a bigger deal… that all the nerves about high school and growing up would culminate in something larger than life and he’d feel like a different person.
Like a grown man. Or something.
He doesn’t really know what he expected, but the lackluster deflation of his heart as he traipses through the collections of families congratulating their student was not it. He waves at Sam and Mr. and Mrs. Gallagher as they group together for photos on Mrs. G’s iPhone, his friend giving him a toothy grin before settling back into his family’s attention.
“Sebby, honey, I’m over here.” Robin’s voice trails over the rest, and he is instantly soothed as he dodges elbows and screaming kids looking for their older siblings to get to her.
She’s smiling, but there’s a tense look on her face he doesn’t like. Did someone say something to her? Is she okay?
“Hi,” he tries to smile when he makes it to her, his cap still clutched in his hands because they paid way too much for this stupid ensemble and he has to keep it for Maru’s graduation next year.
“Congratulations, baby, I’m so proud of you,” Robin wraps him in a tight hug, and despite being grateful for her pride, he doesn’t quite understand it.
What did he really do to earn it?
“Are Demetrius and Maru here?” He glances around the gathered people, not seeing his sister’s huge glasses or any sign of his stepfather among them.
“No, they had to leave, Maru got sick just as you were lining up.” Robin’s voice also holds a note of disappointment, and it makes his worse.
He’s never able to miss Maru’s events, even last winter when he had bronchitis and had to try and muffle his coughing for the entirety of the two-hour recital she was in all so he could see her play her flute for five minutes. He can watch her do that at home. It would be a lie to say he’s surprised they left, though, and he shrugs.
“Okay, well, we can go whenever.”
Robin’s smile tightens uncomfortably, “Um, not yet sweetheart. We’re meeting someone outside.”
“Who?” His face crinkles, he hates surprises, and his mom always seems full of them.
“You’ll see. C’mon.”
Seb skirts the arm she tries to put around him, scoffing, and putting a generous step between them. He doesn’t need his mommy to hold his hand while they go outside.
“Wait, Seb!” A girl calls after him, and he’s about to roll his eyes before he sees who it is calling for him.
Haley Ackles. His spine stiffens immediately as he swallows down his nerves and turns to face her.
“Oh, hey.” He greets dumbly.
She beams at him, they’re around the same height right now and he hopes to hit his growth spurt soon.
“I’m so happy I caught you! Here.” She hands him a sunflower shaped card, and his brows knit. He casts her a confused glance, and finally, she giggles and puts him out of his misery. “You’d know what it is if you opened it, silly!”
“Oh,” his fingers shake as he picks the card open, reading through the contents quickly. It’s pretty basic… her address and a date and time. “Is this…”
“It’s an invite!” She flails her hands a little. “I’m having a graduation party, and I want you to be there.”
His cheeks heat at the sudden attention, and he just knows Robin is watching this interaction like a hawk. He shifts his weight from foot to foot, unsure what to do when his mom does appear and looks over his shoulder at the details.
“Oh, yeah, we’re free that day if you wanted to go, honey. No big deal.” Robin squeezes his shoulder once, and instead of his earlier embarrassment, he’s grateful someone saved him from stumbling through how to answer.
“Uh, yeah, I’ll come.” He nods, and Haley seems to explode with visible excitement as her body vibrates.
“Great! Yay! I guess I’ll see you there,” her smile is huge, splitting her face nearly in half. It’s endearing enough to encourage a little grin of his own. “I can’t wait to – to spend some time together!”
“Yeah.” He nods, his heart beating erratically.
“Sebby?” His mom says from behind him, and then he remembers he has someone to meet.
“I gotta go,” he tilts his head towards his mom. “I’ll, uh, see you around.”
“Congrats!” She does a peace sign and then twirls on her toes to run back towards her family. He can see Haley’s grandma, a nice lady who always has jolly ranchers in her purse, and her parents greeting her with smiles as Emily chats with her excitedly.
Wow, she had a lot of people show up.
He tears his eyes away and follows his mom out, unzipping the gown and throwing it over his arm as they wind their way through the middle school to the parking lot. It’s about a half hour drive to their home in Stardew Valley, but he’s hoping that he can pick the music this time since it’ll just be the two of them.
Demetrius always insists on listening to talk radio when he’s in the car. No music. It’s horrible.
Wait.
If Maru and Demetrius left…
“Mom, how are we getting home?” He asks as he absently follows her, stopping his steps and eyes scanning for the telltale chipped blue paint of Robin’s work truck.
“Seb,” his mom’s voice is strained, the sound striking his attention and he faces her. She blinks at him twice, motioning behind her. To a man. “This is Jacob.”
Jacob looks to be somewhere around his mom’s age, maybe a little older, with greying dark hair and messy stubble on his cheeks. He’s dressed in construction work clothes, but his flannel is open to reveal one of those white tank tops he’s seen Mayor Lewis wear when he gardens. He’s smoking a cigarette and doesn’t look too interested in being in a middle school parking lot.
“And Jacob… this is Sebastian.”
Something is happening, and he hates that he doesn’t understand what it is. This feels like it should be important, like the stupid graduation, but he can’t grasp exactly what it is about this situation that should ring an alarm in his mind. Who is this guy?
Jacob gives him a dismissive once over, and Seb feels wildly self-conscious. Robin made him get a haircut for this, but he’s not used to the length yet – is his hair sticking up? Is his tie crooked? These pants are a little short… does Jacob think he looks stupid?
Why does he care? He doesn’t know Jacob.
“He doesn’t look like me,” the man scoffs, and suddenly several pieces fall into place all at once. “Looks like you with dark hair. This was a waste.”
Robin rolls her eyes, “Jacob, come on, you saw what the test said.”
The test… last year he had to go for a weird blood test that was outside his normal check-up appointment. He wasn’t even sick. Was it for that test?
“I never cared much for what townie doctors had to say.” He sneers down at Sebastian as if he were a dead spider on his wall. “This little fairy ain’t my kid.”
“Mom?” Seb questions, brows furrowed, as he looks to Robin. He needs some explanation.
Her jaw works as she cuts a glance to this strange man, “Jacob, please, you said you’d try.”
Jacob flicks his cigarette, still lit, onto the pavement, “I said I’d take a look at him, and I don’t care for what I see. He ain’t my kid.”
Take a look at him? Like he’s a used lawn mower for sale in someone’s yard?
As soon as it started, it’s over, Jacob turning away from them and marching towards his beat-up beige sedan. Robin follows him, pleading, saying that he needs to get to know Seb and talk to him.
Jacob doesn’t listen, heck, Seb’s not even listening. He stands there, helplessly, clutching the sunflower invitation in one hand, and his graduation gown in the other. He wasn’t told that this was happening today, nor did he ever expect to meet the man who is his biological father.
Robin said that relationships are complicated, and that she had a brief fling right before meeting Demetrius. In his stepfather’s words, her falling pregnant was a minor complication they worked through. Seb being here… he has the same last name as his grandparents, Robin’s maiden name, and he never really thought about the guy who he shares half his DNA with.
Robin is crying as the sedan pulls away, and it takes her a long time standing with her back to Sebastian to pull herself together and return to him. He doesn’t know what to do, he’s always been bad with strong emotions, and his mind is swirling with the too-bright nerves of an oncoming panic attack.
“Sweetie…”
“It’s fine.” He shakes his head, wishing for all the world they are just back home. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine, Sebby, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” His voice cracks, and he forces himself to look at the ground as his eyes grow blurry. Ugh, he can’t cry right now. “Just… why today?”
“What?”
“Why today?” He can’t look at her, he’ll definitely cry if he does. “Why introduce me to that guy today?”
Robin takes in a shuddering breath, her phone vibrates in her hand with an incoming text, but she doesn’t look at it. “I wanted you to meet your father – “
“You heard him, he’s not my dad.” Seb interrupts, wishing this conversation was not happening as families begin trickling out into the lot around them.
“Sebby…” Robin tries to touch him, to pull him closer to her, but he jerks back.
“I’m not good enough for him. It’s okay, I’m not upset.” He shakes his head. “He’s not good enough for me either. Can we… can we just go?”
He was right in thinking eighth grade graduation wouldn’t be special. The whole day reeks of false hope and shattered ideals, and Seb can’t bring himself to speak for the rest of the day.
It’s that night, when he hears his mom finally go to bed, that he sneaks out the front door. He remembers the can that Alex’s grandpa hides his tobacco in near the tree outside their house, catching him smoking sometimes on his way over to Sam’s.
That night, he didn’t have the energy to tap on Sam’s window and try to be cheery enough to hang out. He didn’t want to see anyone, to talk to anyone, ever again. While unrealistic, he would enjoy this time to himself and finally let himself feel.
He sobbed on his way down the mountain, only the squirrels and the possums his companions as he tried to breathe deeply at the community center. He tripped down the steps into town, the knees of his jeans ripping open and blood spilling down his legs. It’s that night he gets the split in his eyebrow everyone will think is intentional going forward, but he cut himself deep enough that no hair will ever grow back even when the scar fades.
It’s that night he steals his first cigarette out of George’s contraband can and smokes it by the river.
It’s the one habit he’s managed to maintain, even thirteen years later.
~
I’ll never be enough.
~
Senior Night at Dot’s high school is the drama department’s event of the spring semester – everyone from gleeful family members, college recruiters, and reporters for several local papers are in attendance to witness the beauty of the performances scheduled.
This year, the theme is seasons, the four parts of creative studies coming together to showcase what they’ve spent all year working on. Jazz band will go first, embodying summer, then orchestra playing a blustery mix suitable for autumn, breaking into the theater classes performing Shakespearian skits best meant for winter, and it will tie into the choir department for the finale – spring.
It all feels too perfect, spring semester, her final year, a whole song just for her to end the entire performance… it’s her dream come true.
She’s been on stage many times by now, always involved in the fall plays and spring musicals, but she’s finally been getting the lead roles since becoming an upper classman. This solo, her and her ukulele ready to sing ‘Riptide’ for the entire audience, will be her final performance as a high schooler. Somehow, the pre-show jitters are worse for this than any of her other roles – and she played Belle in the Beauty and The Beast musical just a few weeks ago!
Singing has been her passion since middle school and the choir teacher thought she had considerable talent. She’s too shy to do much outside of small school performances, but she’s talented enough to get cast, and that’s enough for her. Dot will be focusing on her career come fall, when college will mark the start of a new chapter, and she cannot wait for classes to begin… though, it will mean less time for singing.
That’s what makes tonight so special, she decides, and she will enjoy every single moment of it.
Except she forgot her favorite pick in the choir room. She runs over to Mrs. Sweeny, the director, and tells her she’ll be right back. Running again down the familiar halls of her school, dodging the art displays put up for those wandering around to look at, to the far end of the building by the bus entrance. Right next to the glass doors is the little concrete hall that will bring her down to the music rooms. They’ve been tucked away in the corner in hopes of not disturbing the other student’s during school hours, but Dot finds it exhausting to get here when all the classes are floors up and so very far away.
She’s about to turn into the hall when she hears voices echoing down to her, pausing her steps and ringing confusion through her head. Who’s here when the show is still happening? They haven’t even let the band kids leave to put their instruments away.
“I just don’t understand why she got the solo, y’know?” Dot’s heart sinks as she recognizes that voice. Peeking around the corner, she sees Amanda’s face, her eyes rolling as she speaks to someone in front of her.
They’re a boy, from what Dot can tell, but his back is turned to her, and she can’t make out his face.
“She’s a nice girl and everything, but she’s a lot,” the boy scoffs, and Dot’s heart stops altogether. It’s Danny Morris. “She just never shuts up. Sometimes people can be silent.”
“Right!” Amanda laughs, “She just gets a lot of attention because her dad died and she’s pretty.”
Oh, god. This can’t be happening.
Dot presses her forehead to the cool brick of the wall, willing her tears to suck back into her eyes. Amanda is her best friend… and she’s had a crush on Danny since freshman year. This is the worst possible scenario plucked straight from her nightmares.
“She’s not that pretty,” Danny’s voice pitches lower, to something Dot will someday recognize as desire, but right now she’s merely confused. “Not like you.”
“You’re just saying that.” Amanda giggles nervously.
“I mean it,” Danny moves closer to her, Amanda’s face tilting up to keep eye contact. “And you don’t annoy me like she does. You know when to stop talking.”
“It didn’t get me the solo, though…”
“Well, you said it, people feel sorry for her – “
She’s stopped listening, she sets the ukulele down outside the hall and before she thinks, before she understands what she’s doing, she’s running through the glass doors and refusing to look back.
Dot has always been loud, but her mother says she’s vivacious.
Dot has always talked a lot, but Grandma said it’s because she has a lot to say.
Too much. A lot. Annoying.
Amanda can have the solo. Dot can barely breathe.
Senior Night was supposed to be Dot’s final performance to round out the year and give her that thrill of being on stage one last time. It became the night she vowed not to sing again.
Outside of humming to herself or singing along in the car, Dot has kept that vow. No matter how much her chest aches.
~
At the same time, I’m far too much.
~
Sebastian hasn’t been home to the Valley in months, losing himself in the mindlessness of corporate work and managing to feed Dahlia before collapsing into bed way too late. Just to get up and do it all over again.
Fuck, he forgot how cold it can get in the mountains. Shivering violently in his leather jacket, he quickly finishes his cigarette and shuffles back inside. It’s not even satisfying to smoke in this weather. Maybe he’ll finally quit like he always says he will.
Robin begged Seb to come back for Christmas this year, and he might be excited this time. It’ll be nice to do some of the traditions, to see his family… and Haley.
God, he’s been thinking about Haley.
Lack of time, energy, and ambition have kept him from being the best boyfriend recently, but he really went all out for her Christmas present this year and he’s very excited to pay back her patience and understanding with a few of her favorite things.
He went to the bakery they liked in downtown Zuzu and got a wrapped box of those coconut flavored chocolates she raved about. He found the pair of earrings she sent him a photo of offhandedly a few months ago, feeling very adult when he made a jewelry purchase at the fancy store in the mall. The gift he’s most excited to give her, though, Seb commissioned from one of his artist friends at the tattoo shop for a crystal sunflower.
He hasn’t been this excited to gift someone something since he bought that expensive saw for his mom after his first few corporate paychecks kicked in and he wanted to show his appreciation for everything she’s done.
Truth be told, Seb hasn’t been feeling very well recently. Not in the sick, can’t-kick-my-cough, too tired to function sort of way… but something deep inside him feels like it’s burnt out. Running through the motions has been the most he’s been capable of, and it’ll feel good to break out of the everyday strain he feels.
Nothing seems to bring him joy anymore. Nothing seems to make him laugh. He hates dramatic people who scare their friends and family with talk of losing their spark for life… but Seb is right there with them. He’s just a dramatic, sensitive, nobody with his hands in his pockets as he slips back into the mesh of his family all talking over each other with the best way to decorate the tree.
“Sebby, honey, what do you think? Monochrome scheme or multicolored?” Robin is gesturing to the three different boxes of ornaments they have, and everyone is frowning.
“Robin, it’s easier to look at when they all follow a formula,” Demetrius butts in, his tone suggesting that anything Sebastian has to say shouldn’t matter.
“Yeah, mom, plus last year we did the multicolored thing! We switch off, remember?” Maru puts her hands on her hips, consistently checking her phone that buzzes frequently.
Seb shrugs, “Do whatever they want.”
He didn’t mean it to be rude or sarcastic, he really just wants everyone to be happy. Isn’t that the whole point of this holiday – make people happy and enjoy the love all around? He doesn’t know, shaking his head, he steps towards the kitchen and the beer he put in the fridge this morning.
“Aww! Dot sent me a picture of her family’s tree, too! Look at this mom,” Maru’s voice follows him. Maru’s been talking about this friend of hers a lot, but Seb doesn’t know who she’s referencing. Penny is the only friend he’s really known about for years.
Ugh, Penny. Are her and Sam on or off right now? He hasn’t been in the right headspace to ask, and he dreads having that conversation again. They really need to figure out their shit.
Cracking open his drink, he sips the foam quickly to avoid it overflowing the can, and he’s too absorbed with his task to realize Robin had followed him into the kitchen.
“Sebby, it’s not yet noon…” Her tone is careful, quiet against Maru’s continued cheer in the living room. “Should you, maybe, wait a while to start?”
He shrugs. “It’s the holidays, isn’t it?” He takes an obnoxiously loud sip to punctuate his stance on the subject.
Robin’s eyes scan the hall, and as that familiar, disapproving frown curves her mouth, she steps deeper into the kitchen and approaches where he’s leaned on the counter.
“You doin’ okay?” She asks, tilting her head in that way that suggests she knows what Seb will say before he even says it.
For some reason, despite the kindness his mom has always shown him, something bitter blooms in his chest. He hates the backhanded concern, the side glances they all share because they all think he’s a problem.
He’s not a fucking problem.
“Yeah, mama,” he fills his voice with as much fake cheer as he can muster, easier done with each sip of the beer in his hand, and Robin softens a little. “I’m just stressed. There’s a lot goin’ on at work.”
That seems to be the best answer for anyone concerned about him. Blame work! No one says a word as they silently commiserate. They’ve always said that Seb’s sensitive, anyway, the lazy one, of course he’d be overly stressed with whatever crap his company is putting him through.
God, when did he get so jaded?
It doesn’t seem to matter as the afternoon wears on, and he loses himself in the constant flow of alcohol in his mouth. One beer becomes five, and then he’s lost count when he’s pleasantly drunk and not remembering a word anyone says to him.
This is the part where Seb stops remembering the events of the day, lost to the haze of an emotional bender that wrapped itself around his throat so tight he thought he was chocking.
There’s a Christmas party that night at the old community center. Apparently, it’s no longer abandoned, and someone went through the painstaking measures to revamp the cracked wood and rotted floors to something nice. Robin insists that it wasn’t her, but Seb isn’t convinced – it’s definitely something she would do if she had the extra material. Things have been going well for Robin’s shop recently, and he can’t quite put his finger on why, just that money isn’t as tight as it was a few years ago.
Thank god. His mom deserves a break.
Seb’s mind is loud… so damn loud, and no matter how much he pulls from his cans – now switched to drinking straight from the vodka bottle Robin had under the sink since he finished what was left – he can’t seem to get his brain to shut the fuck up.
He calls Haley again. He wants to see her. He needs to see her.
“Hey, darlin’,” he smiles when she picks up the phone.
“… drinking?” He doesn’t quite hear all that she’s asked him, but he scoffs a little when he realizes she’s asking about his drinking.
Why does everyone fucking care if he’s drunk all the sudden? It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.
“Come to the lookout,” he begs, he’s sent a few texts about it to her throughout the day, but that stupid party has been the reason she says she can’t.
Won’t is more like it.
“Please,” he practically whispers into the receiver, he’s not above begging. From what he recalls, Haley likes when he begs. “I wanna give you your gift.”
He remembers Haley’s sigh, he remembers her not wanting to leave the warmth of the community center and the guests already showing up, but he doesn’t care. Nothing matters except seeing her.
“I’ll be waiting,” he slurs into the phone before he lets it drop from his hand.
Shit, where did it go? The room split a while ago and he can’t get his muddy mind to focus long enough to find it. Whatever, it’s not like he needs it anyway.
He just needs her. She’ll come. She has to.
If Seb’s mind was any clearer, he’d realize that his drinking was not subtle in the way he had hoped. That his sister, mom, and stepfather were more than aware of the drastic change in Seb’s mood and keenly noticed every crunched can and the scent of alcohol heavy on his breath.
Demetrius is pissed, saying something Seb’s mind can’t make out, but sounds a lot like “He has a problem. This is getting worse.”
Robin nods, her face twisting into a despair he hates to see, but as he grabs the shitty bag with Haley’s gifts, he can’t bring himself to care.
“He’s just like his father.”
He doesn’t know who said it, or if anyone really did, but Seb hears it clearly in his mind as if someone shook him and shouted it in his face.
A black void takes over his head, possessing him with a lethal mix of suppressed anger and an alcohol loosened tongue. Horrible things that he’ll never remember saying fall into the room and twisting like thorns as they bite into the skin of his family.
He doesn’t let up, he doesn’t stop, his throat raw from shouting until he finally leaves.
No one follows him.
He’s just like his father.
Jacob, that man who ripped his heart out and shredded it all those years ago, keeps coming back to haunt him. He is not like that asshole who knocked someone up and then just left…
He loves Haley. He’d never leave her.
He’d marry her and never let her go if that’s what she wanted.
It feels like hours while he waits on the lookout. He stares down the length of the mountain, his eyes losing and gaining focus as he sways on his inebriated feet. He doesn’t quite feel the cold, but his cheeks go numb eventually, and he tucks his face into his collar to try and instill some warmth back into him.
Is he really a lost cause? Has he failed so terribly, committed every moral failing, to deserve the title of fuck up?
The longer he spends alone, the more things start to settle into place. Of course Demetrius would never feel a paternal connection to him, even being the guy that’s been around his entire life could never make him Seb’s father. Not when Maru came out so wonderfully perfect and everything Demetrius could have dreamed of. Maru loved the same things he did, looked like him, talked like him… no matter how hard Seb tried to blend in, the world wanted him to know he could never be a chameleon, and that he’d never fit into the puzzle quite right.
His sister isn’t scared of people, either. He is, constantly hoping to avoid confrontation and conversation as he slips away to have another cigarette. He’d rather be alone than talk, but Maru seems to come alive in the middle of a conversation. Words flow easily for her, like everything has come easy, and it’s no wonder she’s preferred to his sour company.
Bad company, bad attitude, he’s been a headache for Robin since his birth.
He is a problem. For her especially.
Seb knows his mom has tried to advocate for him, love him enough for two parents and highlight the things she adores in him… but he’s not one of her projects, she can only mold him so much, and there’s nothing any tool, any instrument, can do to fix the jumbled mess that he is.
He’s just like his father.
“Seb,” Haley’s voice interrupts his thoughts, and he wipes the tears he didn’t know had fallen from his cheeks as he grins.
“Hey,” he drags out the word, half stumbling towards her as she puts a hand up.
“Sebastian, we had this conversation during the summer, we’re not together.” She enunciates the words slowly, tightly… she’s upset with him.
“C’mon, darlin’, you don’t mean that.” He takes another half step towards her, and she raises her hands again, her back colliding with another body.
Seb blinks a few times, eyes trying desperately to focus as Alex swims into view.
Alex? What is he doing here?
He must have asked out loud because the muscular man speaks up.
“Hey, Sebastian, I came with Haley because she was scared to go alone.” Alex’s voice isn’t outright condescending, but there’s a male arrogance to it that has Seb’s stomach riling against it.
“Scared?” He shakes his head, “Haley doesn’t need to be scared of me.”
Alex gestures to Haley’s shaking shoulders, “What do you call this, bro?”
“I’m not your bro.” Seb is frowning, maybe he’s crying again, his chest feels heavy. His hand clenches the bag he brought her gift in, and his eyes widen.
“Oh, right, here.” He holds it out for Haley to take, but she shakes her head. “C’mon, it’s for you.”
She shakes her head more adamantly. “Seb, no, I don’t want anything from you! We’re not together!”
He’s trying to remember what happened that would make her think that. What conversation in the summer is she talking about? If he said something stupid, if they fought, well, they always make it back together in the end.
That’s the way it’s always been. Through the years of high school attraction, to the college years of finding each other at every school break, to finally coming together a few years ago. All relationships have ups and downs, and he knows he hasn’t been great, but…
He loves her.
“I love you,” he says, the words barely a whisper. She needs to take the gift, if she opens it, if she sees… He holds the bag out again, hoping if he gets close enough, she’ll just take it. “Here, please – “
“Stop!” Haley swats the bag out of his hand, not intending to, but the bag first clatters to the ground, and then slides off the edge of the mountain overlook. She winces slightly as the bag can be heard colliding with the rock.
Seb’s face is slack jawed, eyes wide, as he watches with disbelief at what just happened. The chocolate, the earrings, the crystal flower – all the money he saved and spent to try and show her his affection – gone and tumbling to the unforgiving darkness below.
Useless. Artificial. Unwanted.
Seb’s heart snaps in half.
“Why’d you do that?” He asks, his voice low, but there’s contempt on his face. “What the fuck, Haley?”
She holds up her hands, “I told you I didn’t want it!”
Alex steps forward, putting Haley behind him, “It was an accident.”
“You’re a drunk, Seb,” Haley sobs from where she peeks at him around Alex’s shoulder, “You have a problem! You need help!”
He’s just like his father.
Seb can’t breathe, his chest can’t get a full breath down, and his eyes slam shut and open as he tries to make sense out of what’s happening. Flashes of memories, Haley’s anger, he’s tried so hard to forget, to escape –
And he’s always used alcohol to escape.
Maybe he does have a problem.
Maybe he is the problem.
His eyes drag away from the pair of them, the judgmental eyes staring at him as if he’s dangerous and unbalanced. He can’t take it anymore… he thought he’d have Haley, at least, when everything went to shit at home. But…
Sebastian’s chest cleaves open, and he chokes on a sob, his eyes still stuck on the tumbling peaks of the mountain that would be so easy to just jump.
“If I just disappeared,” he whispers to no one in particular, “Would it really matter?”
Panic laces itself around his limbs, beckoning him forward as his mind fills with the whispers of all his inner thoughts – too loud, too consuming – to ignore anymore. Nothing is keeping him here anymore, and he wonders if he’s had anything to come home to for a while.
He takes a singular step towards the edge, to that seemingly bottomless pit below, and Alex shouts something undiscernible as Haley screams.
The former jock thrusts his arms under Seb’s and the pair of men fall backwards onto the rocky shelf of the overlook, effectively stopping Seb’s pursuit to the edge.
“Stop it!” Seb is sobbing, his body wracking with the violent jolts of someone too far gone in their own mind, “Just let me go! I need to do this.”
Haley’s turned her back on him, she won’t look at him, she can’t… this is beyond what she had thought she’d see when she came here. Her hopes of ending things quietly are another ruined thought and tarnished memory.
Alex shakes his head, keeping Seb pinned to the ground beneath him. “No, not ‘til you sober up. You’re not thinking clearly.”
Seb thrashes against the strong arms against him, wishing he wasn’t so weak, so stupid to have witnesses to this behavior.
No one present knows how long they were there, or how long it truly took Sebastian to calm himself down and regain a sense of his clarity.
“I’m sorry,” he croaks out eventually, voice raw from all the screaming.
He says a lot of words. Maybe he begs some more. Sebastian’s blank memory doesn’t provide the answers for what happened after Alex slammed him to the ground. His lungs begrudgingly take in more air, his heart pathetically thuds in his chest… alive and here, but he knows he fucked up.
Alex sighs, and hauls Seb to his feet easily, “I’m not just leaving you here.”
The walk back to his house is shameful. Silent. He’s shoved toward his mother… where did she come from?
“Sebastian, thank god,” she breathes, her hands not knowing where to touch on his dirt-streaked jacket and puffy face. “What happened?”
Sebastian pushes past his mother, and that’s when the story – whether truth or not – comes to fruition behind him. Alex told everyone something about Seb being belligerent and demanding getting back with Haley, and then they fought.
Seb would never fight him, but whatever. It’s not as if he could say what actually happened.
The only good that came from that day is his sobriety. Eight months now without a drink, when before it felt impossible to get through one day without liquid courage to push him through.
Everything else, though, clings to him like a fungus he can’t get rid of. There’s no amount of prayer, redemption, or apology that can cleanse the rot from his soul.
~
I’ve crushed it all in the palm of my own hands. My misery is a stain with only myself to blame.
~
Present day.
Sebastian likes watching Dot from the edge of her field, where the structures of the barns and the orchard shroud him from immediate view, but he can still see the porch. On the nights where he can’t sleep and he feels a restlessness writhing beneath his skin, he’ll go watch the sunrise with Dot.
Well, they’ll watch the sunrise completely separate from each other, and she doesn’t know he’s here… but it’s fine. He’s not doing anything uncouth, and if she were to see him, he’d go talk with her and fess up.
It’s not stalking.
She always comes out in her pajamas. Some mismatched set of little shorts and oversized band t-shirt with the shoulders cut out, the fabric slipping down her skin as she stretches and greets the morning. She’ll blink groggily over a cup of steaming, likely mostly milk, coffee and hum to herself as the fields come alive with a new day.
The sun is warm, even now when night has barely peeled itself away from the land. Humidity has Dot’s hair even more wild than usual, but she seems happy. She leans on her railing, hips swaying to whatever tune is in her head, and this has quickly become routine.
It’s been a few days since he’s seen her for an actual hang out, and they don’t have plans until tomorrow – he had to give up the just show up and roll with it the last time when she barked at him about the necessity of plans – but he’s made this work. He enjoys having these quiet moments with her, where she is just Dot, no overly excited smiles or attempts at conversation that may or may not work.
She just is. And he, too, feels like he can just be.
Clearing her throat, her body tenses a little in nerves, her mouth twisting left and right as she seems to grapple with something in her head. Setting the mug down on the railing, she leans up, bending backwards to crack her spine before shutting her eyes.
Strangely, something he has not seen in his shared mornings with her, she begins to sing.
“I see you there, rejecting all your earthly power Protecting and dissecting 'til you've emptied every hour We jumped into the pond and then come under the shower You lay upon my pillow and you open like a flower – “
It’s a familiar tune… one it takes him a moment to connect it as ‘Vampire Empire’ by Big Thief. One of her favorite bands if he can remember correctly.
“I wanted to see you naked, I wanted to hear you scream Wanted to kiss your skin and your everything I wanted to be your woman, I wanted to be your man I wanted to be the one that you could understand”
Her voice is good. Another thing he did not expect, and he watches her with wide eyes as she sways through the verses, her body opening and breathing and coming alive with the song lilting off her tongue.
She has one of those voices that doesn’t even need music along with it to be good, which, from his experience, is pretty rare. The birds continue to chirp, the breeze still blows, but it’s as if they’ve muted themselves to hear her, the trees curling towards her slender frame as if shielding her from the world as they listen intently.
“You turn me inside out, and then you want me outside in You spin me all around, and then you ask me not to spin You say you wanna be alone and you want children You wanna be with me, you wanna be with him”
Her emotion is palpable, goosebumps rising on his skin as she vocalizes the last few lines of the song. He feels like he can see inside her head, that even though these lyrics aren’t hers, he can see each thing she thinks about as she sings. A unique, booming voice that he could listen to forever.
It’s over all too soon.
Dot stands there for a moment, breathing in the silence after her earth-shattering performance, and then she nods. Pleased, embarrassed, several emotions flutter over her face as she inhales deeply and retrieves the mug from the railing. It’s like she wanted to prove she could, then turns on her heel and reenters the house as if nothing happened.
Sebastian picks his jaw up off the ground, shaking his head and getting the hint that it’s his cue to scoot. Lest she catches him, which wouldn’t be the worst thing…
Nah, he’s got to go. He has work to do, things to scheme, and cigarettes to smoke… but his entire walk home is filled with thoughts of Dot and the beautiful voice she’s kept hidden from everything but the fields.
~
But maybe there’s hope. With you, my foggy mind is feeling the sun’s warmth, and it’s been much too long since I’ve breathed this deep.
