It’s June and the sun is shining, heat is rising, I should be thriving but I’m dying. I’m dying and I keep dying over and over because I am not made nor designed to exist anywhere but alongside you. I feel like an empty shell. I am not actually empty. Organs reside inside me, fighting, struggling to keep me alive when all I want is to disappear, truly disappear because what I want more than to not exist is to know you back with me. To have you back with me.
I don’t think I can ever put into words just how difficult it is, was, how hard and truly heartbreaking it both was and still is to be where I am while you are where you are. I want to say that I would like to go back, that I would like to handle it differently but I can’t truly say that I would. I know and have learned especially after I left, just how much I would’ve hurt you. How much worse I would have made it for you than if I had stayed and I know. I know. Nothing could have been worse than for me to leave, I know but there could have. I don’t say that to justify it, there is no justifying something we both know I had to do. I am saying it from a place of knowledge, you know? After all, I’ve been where you are and you have been where I was and even though I wouldn’t ever change anything about us, I would also never ask you to go through nor experience anything similar to that especially after you’ve done what you did. I am happy for you. I’m always going to be and I am never going to sabotage your happiness and the peace you’ve made, ever. Never. I don’t ever want to rupture that. At the same time I am finding it unbelievably hard to keep my distance. I read all your things with fondness, eager, always checking for something new, living vicariously through all the people who get to experience the pleasure of creating with you. I’d lie if I’d say that it doesn’t hurt a little. It hurts a lot. It always does but I have done this to myself whether willingly, no matter for what reasons. Sometimes I wish you would text me again. Ask me to come back again just so I can be sure you want that, at the same time I am happy and glad to know that you’ve moved on or at least seemingly so. I would ask you myself, you know? I would love to text you, ask you if you want me back, if you’d have me back if I were to come back. I want nothing more than to do that. At the same time, I’m glad my weakness didn’t overcome me, didn’t control me. I’m glad I didn’t just slip into your dms all of a sudden, no matter how much I wanted to. See, it was very difficult for me at first to see and read everything. I tried very hard not to, I really did but I couldn’t quite control myself. I’d get jealous, seething with jealousy. Angry, upset, all the bad things you can imagine: and now imagine we had still been in contact? Still writing? I don’t want to imagine the things I had said or done out of a single uncontrolled emotion. I want to be with you and I hope I get to be with you again someday at the same time I really don’t want to disturb your peace. I think your life is much more peaceful without me.
