turn this knife the blunt way around
happy belated birthday, @kimchaybrainrot!💛 you're lovely and deserve all the treats! i tried to write fluffy soft things but failed spectacularly because angst and i are besties. i promise there is some sweetness at the end.
here is some post-canon kim + kimchay:
- - -
Kim is not surprised when Porsche shows up and enters the café exactly when Kim is wrapping up his set. Kim has ignored calls and messages from Kinn, Tankhun and the Unknown caller. So he signs a few autographs, takes selfies with fans and lets his manager tell them that Wik is very busy and needs to go. Porsche meanwhile orders a caramel macchiato for himself and his bodyguard and waits until Kim packs away his equipment.
"Khun Kittisawat," Kim finally says loud enough to annoy Porsche's security guard, who is holding his drink as he has never seen coffee before.
"I know you helped Chay at the warehouse and at Yok's," Porsche says, ignoring pleasantries, making it sound like an accusation, "but you have to leave my brother alone."
Porsche has taken well to his new role. He manages to sound steely, not heated, like someone in charge of the situation, and he doesn't have to add any threats. It's an order, even if Porsche has no hierarchical power over Kim. Porsche doesn't know that Kinn is just a placeholder for Kim.
"Okay," Kim says, with his perfected poker face and neutral tone. He can tell from how Porsche squints and grips his macchiato that Porsche had expected some resistance.
"Okay," he finally nods, sips his drink and turns to leave. Kim picks up his guitar and waits for Porsche to take a few more steps.
"Porsche," he says because there is a good reason why Kim has trailed Chay for a few months now. Kim has killed at least seven people that wanted to get their hands on the precious innocent baby brother of the minor family's new leader. "Chay's bodyguards are horrible."
Porsche freezes. There are still people around them, some of Wik's fans lingering around, as well as regular customers, so they cannot talk openly. Kim knows that's why Porsche had chosen the location, but it's funny to see him regret that choice now. Porsche opens and closes his mouth, quickly figuring out Kim's words' meaning.
Kim leaves.
- - -
It's not surprising that Chay barely gets to leave the compound afterwards. And when he does, his security detail matches one of Kinn's and Porsche's combined.
"He hates it," Pok says, sliding a photo over Kim's desk. And yes, Chay looks miserable in the image; he looks small in his soft hoodie and loose jeans. Kim knows how it feels to be surrounded by all these suited men and still feel isolated and lonely.
Kim hates how thinking it's for the greater good, his own safety doesn't chip away at the guilt he feels knowing it's his fault.
- - -
It's also not surprising that another few months later, Chay moves out. Just like Kim, Chay is not made for golden cages; there's only so much that your love for your brother(s) can balance out, and Chay has always been brave enough to go after what he wants.
Kim keeps his promise and stays away, he's too busy trying to keep Wik's career from exploding. He knows his father will end it if the fame draws too much attention to their family. The freedom Kim has is imaginary; it's just a leash made longer, long enough that sometimes Kim forgets it's there until he makes one step too far, and it chokes him viciously.
"Do you want me to keep following Khun Porchay?" Pok asks.
Kim thinks about his father's chess board, the pieces he moves around, and the plans he executes. He thinks about his father saying: "I will fake my death", "the minor family will attack", and "you have to protect Porsche's brother, I know what you've been doing with him". He thinks about Korn killing his own brother, Vegas and Macau being pushed away their whole lives only to be embraced when they are no longer needed on the board, and Chay's mother, drugged and unaware.
"No," he says because he is tired of being his father's son. He makes a choice and tells himself to be brave and be like Chay. "Leave him alone."
Pok nods and leaves quietly.
- - -
Kim buries himself in music because music loves him back.
- - -
"Your new album is so sweet," the boy says, and his voice shakes slightly as he smiles shyly, handing over the card to be signed. His older sister is recording their conversation with a cheeky grin on her face. Kim can imagine that this will be future blackmail material.
"Thank you," Kim smiles, "what's your name?"
"Rune," the boy says, still in awe, as Kim writes him a small, personalized note.
"I am glad you wrote some happier songs," the older sister says conversationally, unbothered that Kim is Wik, while Rune picks up his signed card like it's the greatest treasure. "All the sad ones Rune was playing for months made me a bit worried for you. He still gets teary-eyed about the Why Don't You Stay one."
Ah. Kim is saved from answering it because Rune is mortified and pulls his sister away, telling her to shut up, oh my god.
"Hi!" the girl that was next in the line waves at him with a big grin on her face. "I love your new album; it's very sweet!"
Kim smiles back.
- - -
Your new album is amazing, and we are so proud! We miss you.
Kim reads the message again and again; he swallows tears and thinks about the song he wrote weeks ago, about the tiny hints he left there, knowing that nobody but him would know. He didn't think that-
"Kim?" Kinn picks up right away. He sounds hopeful, and Kim realizes that their father is so wrong. The love has not made Kinn weaker; it has made him human.
"I miss you too," Kim says. He can hear Kinn smiling.
- - -
"I am disappointed," his father says, and Kim thinks nothing has ever made him feel more proud than Korn's disappointment. "Maybe I was wrong about you."
"Maybe," Kim says, and they both know he means, yes, yes, you were.
"I don't know what I did wrong," Korn says, defeated, in a rare moment of honesty, "how all three of you ended up like this."
Like this, he says. And he means stupid, weak and pathetic. He means, why would you pick anything over power, ambition, or being the victor? Why would you willingly lose a fight? Who would you do that for, and why?
"You wouldn't understand, father," Kim smiles, pushing Kinn's ring across the table, "after all, you killed your brother and locked up your sister."
He gets up and leaves, half expecting a bullet in his skull, but it never comes.
- - -
The knock on the door makes Kim jump. Only a few people know where he lives, and all the ones who do know to inform him before their arrival. Tankhun has started to show up unannounced, but Kim (now) knows that Wednesdays are shopping days; Tankhun has discovered the magic of shopping malls, and they are a lot shinier than Kim's apartment.
Kim finds the gun before heading for the door but puts it down when he looks at the security camera. He unlocks the door, suddenly very aware of his messy hair, worn shirt and mismatched socks that Kinn had gifted as a joke.
"Hi," Chay says.
Kim has not seen him for almost two years, so he files away the new haircut, a bit broader shoulders, a sharper face, but the same sweet smile and big, innocent eyes.
"Hi?" Kim answers, unsure because Chay's smile is short-lived, and he looks closer to tears.
"I know you loved me," Chay says, and he might as well kick Kim in the stomach, "I mean, I listened to your new album, I mean, sorry, it's none of my business, I should not say that, I just, well," he keeps talking, nervously shifting, looking anywhere but at Kim, "I need you."
Kim feels like someone dropped him in an ocean, leaving him to drown. There are waves of feelings crushing him, pushing him down to the seabed. I know you loved me. Apparently, Chay still knows how to flip Kim's world around. Kim moves before Chay can flee, opening the door wider and stepping aside.
"Come in," Kim says, his voice trembling funnily. And then, because he cannot help it at all, he asks, "You listened to my new album?"
"Of course," Chay says, and it reminds Kim of Tankhun's eye rolls.
Did you like it? Kim wants to ask, but he doesn't. He doesn't get to have this, and he won't be selfish if it hurts Chay, not anymore, and he's been doing good so far.
"Why do you need my help?" Kim asks instead as they walk to the living room. Chay sits on the sofa, back to looking like he is about to cry, but like crying is not a choice he is allowed to make, and it makes Kim's insides hurt. Chay needs to point, and Kim will aim his gun.
"It's about my mom," Chay explains, "I don't know how much you know, but-"
"I know everything," Kim says, and their knees brush as he sits down next to Chay. "I am sorry, I-"
"It's okay," Chay brushes it off quickly as if what Kim did is not a big deal. And Kim wonders if it isn't for Chay anymore. Maybe Chay has learned that there are worse things than stalking and using someone, maybe Chay is helping Porsche now and has done similar things, or maybe Chay has killed someone. Kim has no idea, and it's making him a bit dizzy.
"She remembers everything," Chay explains, and Kim doesn't say that he suspected that too. He looks at Chay's hands that are nervously moving around, wants to grab them and keep them still, but talks himself out of it. "She told me a while ago, she remembers that Uncle Korn killed dad, and wants to tell Porsche, but she's worried that Uncle Korn will... And I am so worried about her and Porsche, and I think Porsche maybe knows too, and something is about to happen, and I-"
"Do you want me to kill my father?" Kim asks carefully. He realizes that he would if Chay asked.
Chay looks horrified. "What? No, of course not!"
Kim is lost, has been lost since he opened the door. "So, what do you need me to help with?"
"I didn't say that," Chay says so quietly that Kim almost doesn't hear it. "I said I need you."
Oh.
And because Chay is the bravest one of them both, he climbs into Kim's lap, hugging him like he did the very first time, with everything he has, and bursts into tears.
"I don't know," he whimpers in Kim's neck, his tears mixing with Kim's, shaking as Kim holds him closer, "what I will do if Porsche dies. I don’t want to be alone anymore, Kim."
Kim wishes he could hide Chay inside the walls of his chest, away from everything, but nowhere is safe with his father alive.
"Shhh," he says instead, "it will be okay, you are not alone."
- - -
"Chay," Kim says hours later when it's getting dark in the apartment. They are still on the sofa, and Chay is half lying on top of Kim, cuddling like they used to, except Chay is quiet and looks defeated under the weight of the world.
"Mm?"
Kim takes a breath and tells himself he can do this. If Tankhun can go to the shopping mall and Kinn can choose Porsche over their father, Kim too can face his fears. "I want to apologize. I am sorry; I know I hurt you, and you didn't deserve any of it. I wish I could take it back."
Chay hums and looks up through the bangs that are half covering his eyes; there's a small smile on the corners of his lips, and Kim wants to press it there, make it stay, and never let anything make Chay sad again.
"I forgave you a long time ago," he says, "Porsche told me how silly Theerapanyakul siblings are. I am very proud you used words this time."
He's teasing Kim, and Kim can't decide between laughing or crying; he settles on neither, holds Chay closer, and moves his hand to stroke Chay's hair gently. He thinks fate is being funny, giving him something only after he learned to let it go.
"And you did write me fourteen love songs."
Kim laughs.
- - -
He returns early in the morning when the dawn settles over the city, a new morning ahead. Chay is still on the sofa, covered in blankets; he gets up when Kim enters the living room.
Kim puts down the gun on the coffee table. He knows he is still covered in sweat and smells like cigarettes that he shared with Porsche when Chay hugs him.
"It will be okay," Kim promises, and buries himself in Chay.