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TMNT Month: Turtle Tunes and We Wish You A Turtles Christmas: Not So Erotic Nightmares Beyond Any Measure and Christmas Fever Dreams to Treasure Forever (Comission for Emma Fici)

Hello all you happy people and welcome back to turtles month. Thanks to a schedule change, we're looking at another piece of weird turtles media coming as the franchise was loosing steam and someone was huffing that steam to try and come up with new ideas.

As a result we got two direct to vhs specials, designed to try to eat into that sweet sweet DTV market that was starting to really take off at the time and would do so long into my childhood and long after. These specials go for a younger audience, I suspect trying to get some of that barney money. They did not and we only got two and the world was spared the third that would've triggered the end times.

As you can see just looking at the covers for these things they had the budget of a paper clip and a piece of string, and it shows. The turtles have horrifying barley moving heads that insure they'll be your sleep paralysis demon for years to come. But beyond the terrible costumes what do these specails have? Well not a lot and everything respectively so let's talk about them, and hopefully make my night terrors worth the money under the cut

Turtle Tunes has an objectively weird premise. It's not a horrible one for doing some goofy less actiony videos as these costumes would tear apart if the wind blew on them slightly, I can't imagine them doing full on fight scenes like the movies, but it's still weird for the nonexistant budget this thing has.

So the turtles got a hookup from april to host their own show on channel 6 and were this just a tmnt version of waynes world i'd have watched this years ago. Also something to keep in mind for the mutant mayhem verse. Just saying.

But no their instead just counting down their faviorite songs.. and rather than say use the ones from out of our shells which are actually pretty good, or make some up they decide to do covers of various public domain songs and still present it like it's TRL. Do kids still know what TRL was? I.. I feel old.

Anyways, the Turtles rather than have April, who agreed to this in the first place, Splinter or Casey help out, instead have a bunch of random kids serve as their crew and boss them around. Also Mikey runs off and apparently does this all the time. Just goes to skateboard around the park and do mushrooms, living his best life.

As for the rest of the plot

This vid is just an excuse to do terrible covers of public domain songs.. and a loose one of Rick Springfield's don't talk to strangers. I'm dead serious. I mean the song IS a mild banger and using it for an actual anti stranger message and not Rick Springfield desperatly trying to stop his girlfriend from leaving him, but it's left as atonal garbage.

I don't have much for this one. I mean it has Leo on a rowboat as he slowly dies inside, that's kinda funny and it's weird they chose to do that one to yankee doodle dandy instead of row row row your boat, but I stand by their dumbass decision. At least Leo struggling to breath as he rows a boat is funny. Everything else is just bland: the turtles talk over each other, announce videos and somehow get renewed, though I think the renewal is really an excuse to get them out into the open and into a woodchipper.

Turtle Tunes proves, in the words of our prophet huey lewis, sometimes bad is bad. Sometimes cheese can be really funny, this is just 20 some minutes of my life I won't get back.

Thankfully We Wish You A Turtles Christmas, which emma and I watched before is so bad it's good. It's gloriosuly stupid, cheap and while still using music videos to pad things, is far more creative with them. This feels more like a tmnt product.. one that was written by a sentient mound of cocaine, but still a thing people put actually efort into at least feeling like a tmnt vide0 Turtles tunes could have any obnoxious mascot jammed in it. It could've been Busby Tunes... imagine him announcing videos and doing stuff and

Okay maybe it's thanks to saftey regulations we got the turtles, but still you could've also just.. put an opossum on screen to music. There's a line and a few layers of hell between TMNT and Bubsy

We Wish You A Turtles Christmas is the good kind of crack to Turtle Tunes shard of glass they tell you is crack, taking a straightforward tale of "the turtles forget to get a gift and have to go get it" and making it baffling as it is hilaroius.

So our story begins with We're the Turtles, the theme song for both tapes where their turtles and their on the look out for a friend in need that's what their about... and never actually find one too busy as they laugh and sing and do their thing their the turtles. Their the turtles. It's this weird durge that gets glued to your brain.

So it's christmas eve and the turtles are joking, putting presents under the tree while Leonardo sings Reggage, you know what everyone does every christmas. Or else.

Leo is horribly out of character in both these specials, taking being a stern big brother type who leads the team and tries to keep them on task and making him a dick who insults his brothers and also the mutant equilvent of Ras Trent.

As for the reggae song itself it's deck the halls but TO A REGGAE BEAT MON. CULTURAL APROPRATION POWER! It's the clear seperation from this special and turtle tunes; Turtle Tunes is KINDA weird, We Wish You A Turtles Christmas is FUCKING weird. You have a scooby dooby doo doo laden song about decking the halls that both is happy Bebeop and Rocksteady aren't here yet wishes a merry christmas to the shredder, while also having a beat drop for some reason. It's beautiful and I never want to hear it again.

The turtles then have a horrifying relization: WE FORGOT TO GET A GIFT FOR SPLINTER. I do like HOW this comes about as it's the only part of this special that's not written by a guy who was told the basics about the turtles then told to write a christmas special or they'd release the bees. The boys all thought one of the others had the duty: it's a sitcom cliche sure but one that would happen to a family.

So they have to go shopping on christmas eve with a rousing rendention of over the river and through the woods "up through the sewer"... or sleep inducing. Let's go with coma-tastic, sounds snappier.

We get to the surface for what's the best song of the special. A subterranian bar but it's the upbeat and peppy gotta get a gift for splinter. It has dancing, random children out on christmas eve busking, ryming gotta gift for splinter with "I hate shopping in the winter", and suggesting they get him a go cart "a go cart in the sewer baby!" while aruging. This sibling bantering and bickering at least is a little fun.

We then get to the most inexplicable part of this special.. and yes

As Mikey decides to sing opera. And this alone would be amazing just for the sheer what the fuckery.. but the turtles annoyed reactions and implication he does this a lot just sell it. The bit's dumb, but like this special it's also fun. No one not even the characters know why the fuck this is happeing.

After that our turtles return home to wrap they also decide.. TO RAP. Yes it's time for the Rap every bit of 90's childrens media thought they could do. It's as painfully awkward as you could hope for. Not as awkard as the rasta bit because it has a little bit of a beat but it sure does exist, i'll give it that.

So with that we get the climax as the turtles all get vauge gifts and give Splinter a 12 days of christmas themeed barrage of gifts while awkwardly sings about them. I do love how he looses pace towards the end and looses his space and his delighted "nailed it" when he catches up. Splinters singing is stiff as it's clear his actor cannot sing int he character voice, but I'll give him points for enthussim

So the gifts they got are

Twelve April O'Neil autographs

Eleven pairs of sneakers

Ten yellow yo-yos

Nine narrow neckties

Eight chopsticks

Seven silk kimonos

Six frisbees

Five video games

Four man-hole covers

Three skateboards

Two comic books

And a pizza with pepperoni

It's a bizzare assortment something you notice while listening but really looking at the lyrics, thanks turtlepedia for having those so I didn't have to listen to this song in full again to find em all, you see just how slapdash it is. It's in character but it dosen't make it any less bizzare as this list is not played for laughs. So we have 12 autographs from someone they know and likely got in a rush, elven pairs of sneakers which.. is honestly quite nice they found them in his size as while it's not his style of footwear i'm sure splinter would love some shoes after walking in the sewer barefoot for nearly two decades, ten yellow yo yos clearly from the dollar store, nine narrow neckties which while the specitfication weird is a classic parent ot child they don't know too well gift, eight chopsticks which is just.. .did you guys go for chinese and realize you missed a gift for your schitck, seven silk kimonos which is kind thougthful and a good gift, six frisbees because they went back to the dollar store, five video games all copies of the first NES game no one wanted, four man hole covers because theft is okay if it's christmas, three skateboards because splinter can shred man, two comic books which is just aweirdly low number and a pizza with pepperoni which is the most self serving as we all know Splitner prefers sushi.

Finally we have the title song.. which is eh. I don't have much to say its there for a moment, it's gone and they all rock out ending the special.

We Wish You A Turtles Christmas is something you have to experince at least once: it's baffling, stupid and hilarious and i'm glad to share it all with you. I encourage you to watch it.. and leave turtle tunes in a dumpster where you likely found it. Thanks for reading and remember i'm pullin for you, we're all in this together.

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