#tw rambles

[lycoperdales]

Watching episode 2 and wtf, why is Scott’s response to getting hit by a car “I’m fine, I swear. Sorry I hit your car.”

SORRY I HIT YOUR CAR????

Sir, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re the one that got hit.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I don’t know how to explain that I have both moved on my from my ex but also haven’t.

Like I don’t want any potential future gfs (lol I know that’s not going to happen) to think that I’m still like in love with her or infatuated with her or you know wouldn’t love them because I’m still hung up on her or something.

Because that’s not really the case I don’t think. I think after all these years it’s not really HER that I’m clinging to.

I’ve had crushes since her. I’ve had people I’ve found attractive since her. I’ve had people I’ve wanted to date since her.

But I tend to still go back and think about what we had or “miss” her. But again I don’t think it’s her per se. I think it’s just I haven’t had what I had with her since. And it’s something I do desperately want. And since I’ve only ever gotten from her she’s kind of my only point of reference.

I’ve never had proper mutual attraction / feelings that weren’t unrequited with someone that wasn’t her. I’d met a woman I was comfortable with. I’d met a woman I could make out with and I felt warm around and wanted to build an adult relationship with. I felt seen by her. I felt like maybe I could be loved. I felt like we were similar enough in the ways I wanted and also different enough in the ways that helped. It just felt good.

I’m so obsessed with love and relationships. And I had it. For such a small snippet of time I had what it felt like I had been looking for so long. When I was 19. And now I’m 23 and haven’t had anything since.

But I want it again. I want those feelings of warmth. And connectedness and attraction. That desire to try hard for someone else. Of feeling like maybe I’m enough. Maybe someone likes me. Maybe someone I find attractive find me attractive too. The mutual growth of it all.

It’s hard not to cling on to her, or the memory of her when she’s the only one I have that represents it.

And it makes me scared. Was I only ever going to have this with her. Was I only ever going to have what I want most in the world for less then a month in my life and then never again. Will I never be able to find love again. Will I forever be alone, with the only thing to keep me warm the fading memory of puppy love from when I was 19? Even in my mid twenties? In my thirties? Is that all I’m going to get? Am I being selfish hoping for more. Hoping to find a more genuine and long lasting love this time.

Or I’m a truly cursed with loneliness. To just be so different and out of t her loop that I can’t find someone who likes me and who I like. Is that just too much to ask for. Am I the problem. Do I have too many standards. Am I too rigid. To superficial. Am I lonely because I’m a bad person.

I don’t know. I don’t the answer but I know it hurts. And I know I don’t want to be alone. I want to share a life with a woman. I want to help her when she’s sad , I want to be there when she’s happy, I want to buy her things and have someone to experience life with. I want to have someone to laugh with. To walk out late at night with - so we can come home where it’s warm together. Be tired together. Feel safe together. To make out with her. To have sex with her. To share my soul and help hold hers. To look at someone and feel so much love and attraction and peace and know that she’s looking at me the same way.

I want that. I want it more then anything. I just don’t think I’m built for it. Or I’m just not meant to have it. And that beaks my heart. To be on the outside all alone. To feel like I’ll never have the one thing I want. I don’t know how to cope with that.

[dearestdaffodils]

I believe it’s officially my tumblr anniversary month... should I do a celebration?

[oftheft-blog]

    People have asked me why I’ve never done a baes list or favorites throughout the whole long ass years I’ve been on this website... It’s simple really... Being on here for so long, I’ve been hurt by more lists than actually having felt good about them. They’re like a double edged sword. You’re going to hurt people with them whether you forget about someone by accident or maybe you simply don’t view the person as strongly as they see you. I mean, more power to people who do them. They will just never be this old bastards cup of tea.

[lycoperdales]

As much as I adore the discussion of Theo’s childhood, and it being rightfully referred to or depicted as a straight up horror movie, sometimes I like thinking of the alternative idea that the dread doctors were completely right in their assessment of him.

That he was this evil kid who straight up hated his family and would sacrifice them for a set of fangs.

That whenever he had to move around with fake parents and graveyard dirt under his nails, he went “thank god I’m no longer in that lame-ass house”.

I know it doesn’t at all fit with what was later revealed about him in season 6, nor Stiles’s and Scott’s memories of them as children. But the idea of some hyper intelligent, violent kid that would rather commit murder and have an unnecessary open heart surgery, than live in some dull, small-town, suburbian nightmare really appeals to me.

Idk. Evil kid and the three murder nerds he forcibly turned into his found family.

[lycoperdales]

What if when Scott saw his red eyes in the mirror, he thought it was because he killed Derek?

[lycoperdales]

wtf would Boyd major in???? I need to know what he would've done after graduating. Does anyone have suggestions?

[lycoperdales]

The first time I watched Teen Wolf I had to stop at season five because of the dread doctors.

They pissed me off so bad I had to turn away from the series for like three years.

Because did they even think that maybe the reason why all their chimeras were unstable was because they were conducting surgeries is a rat infested sewer??

Oh your experiment failed? Maybe don’t use the same syringes from the eighteenth fucking century!

I know they smell rancid.

And it pisses me off just as much today.

Oh yeah and Scott and Stiles broke up :(