#tw rants

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I feel like some of the most common type of homophobia I face is a type that makes me feel silly for being so upset over, or makes it that I can’t talk about it in a way where others will understand, or feels like something I just need to learn to live with.

I’ve had people in my life who even identified as LGBT and were okay with two women marrying and kissing and having sex and calling women hot and would be the first to call out standard old homophobia when they saw it. But then two breaths later act upset that lesbians are just exclusively into women , or when talking about men who push your boundaries would say stuff like “well they probably don’t want you either” even though those men where the ones that started it. Or saying maybe I shouldn’t go into depth about the aspects of my homosexuality or whatever else. Or on instinct putting me on trial and making my guilty until proven innocent. Putting my morals up for debate or my personhood or having to prove I’m not a “bad lesbian” with subtle little remarks.

And I don’t know how to explain that to people. I explain it straight people and they don’t get. They act like I’m being odd or too sensitive or that it’s just online or surely I’m misunderstanding. I try to talk about it to other lgbt people and suddenly I get shut down and told it doesn’t happen or I must have been at fault or I’m just a horrible lesbian so of course I’d say that.

So it’s like what do I do. People seem to be okay with the physical act of my sexuality but not what my sexuality IS or means to me and that feels almost just as important. Because the act comes along with the person. I am the person behind the act. My emotions about the act and how I got there and what I feel to do it should matter. But it doesn’t seem like they do.

Obviously it’s not as extreme as straight men getting off to lesbian porn but it feels like a much lower end of the scale in the same ball park. My actions as a lesbian are okay. My being a lesbian isn’t. At least that’s what it feels like sometimes. And it hurts because I feel like I have nowhere to go or I’m just losing my head over the whole thing.

[bruh-anator3000]

My fear is not having the talent for art or whatever, but i have to knock my head into the wall until I unlearn talent, and appreciate building skill. That child prophecies are just some capitalist gimmick into thinking that some people are just born for their skill. That the grind must start early, as soon as you can walk, especially if its a non-industrial passion. Bc if ur good at arts as a kid, when ur an adult people can tell u the time for that imagination stuff is over and u just accept it bc yeah, ur not a kid anymore. And then you know what the grind feels like bc thats what u had to do as a kid to prove u could go somewhere w this passion, so its even easier to fall into the self destruction grind of capitalism.

Fuck being good at stuff. Fuck it all. Im gonna draw random ass circles in my sketch book and it will be art. Bc im having fun. Im trying for heavns sake. Enough with this 'talent or quit' mindset. Im not going to be good at things for a while, not until I try, and thats okay.

GRAAAARRR

[leviathans-watching]

my dog sleeps with me and i just woke up to her having a seizure,, i was so scared because it’s never happened before. my parents are with her now but i’m just really shaken

anyway i’m going to try to get back to sleep now but who knows if it’ll come

[bbjimin-dududu]

What did hybe do? :(

oH HUN HYBE'S DOING AN AMAZING AND A FANTASTIC JOB WITH THEIR BIGGEST GROUP

Oh :(

tw: a long rant, little negativity, my opinion

I wrote that ramble.txt sdfjkd because I came across this certain post on my dash regarding you know,,, the thing going around about ptd not being an amazing production and all

the thing is, i like ptd :) and it sounds cute, but bts as THEMSELVES could have done so much more and better. but the thing is, i think that they, or rather hybe is under a wrong impression that since dynamite almost got them a grammy, maybe releasing more english songs to make an impression in the western industry would finally get them one. and honestly, it's not that i don't enjoy their english songs, it's just that english songs are not exactly their authentic vibe okay? once, for a change dynamite was superb, but constantly if we keep getting english songs, then the whole reason why we listen and find their music 'unique' at all can be questioned you know :(

the distribution can be really messed up, the lyrics are harder, and blah blah it just sounds like something that anyone else can do and we end up losing the genuine feeling that we have when we listen to bts's songs

like ptd doesn't have the members' name anywhere in production or composing as other people had a hand in it, and what was the result?a 50-50 feeling towards the song, right? on the other hand, film out was SUCH A GODDAMN BOP AND A MASTERPIECE and it genuinely has jungkook's name in the credits for lyric writing! and that makes me so happy sjkfsd because the song's truly truly beautiful AND VERY UNDERRATED GO LISTEN TO IT sjksslkd

and the fact that theY LITERALLY HAVE A WHOLEASS RAP LINE WHO PRODUCE SUCH AMAZING SONGS WHAT THE HELL don't let talent go waste hybe

I mean, now, for upcoming title tracks and albums, i want them to do something that THEY wish to do, not what HYBE WANTS THEM to do, and i don't want them to attract the western industry at the expense of losing their fans because some people were genuinely not happy with ptd :(

like :( i am missing the mots and ly albums so so so much lately and i wish that they could maybe release something that is THEIR style along with subunits/solos like BE album which is another masterpiece tbvvh😤💘, instead of a collab or production or composing or whatever by someone else :(

so i was just feeling a bit sad all over again about it and thought that c'mon hybe, bts is your biggest group, why you gotta be like this towards them? they are almost senior, experienced artists now and i believe that they know how to win hearts and make us happy and content with their original style of music :(

[celestiallglow]

if there are boys and girls in a friendship group, they somehow always end up dating each other on tv shows or films and that's straight culture i can't get behind. boys and girls can be friends but for some reason, some writers don't seem to know/care because m+f friendships are mostly badly written (like scott and lydia and i'll always be salty about it)

Yes anon I agree with all of this. They did give us soft scydia moments but they aren’t that much. S4 to S6 were the perfect chance to feed us with scydia. 

In S4, we deserved Scott always checking up on Lydia, and being her bestfriend, instead of everyone leaving her alone. I’m not kidding it seemed like they were just using her. They check up on her when they need her to help them. All of them were shitty friends. I would expect Scott and Stiles, especially Scott to check on her since they knew how close she was to Allison. Season 4 make me hate them so much. 

I blame the writers, they focused so much on scira and st@lia being THE shit. And threw Lydia under the bus, left her crying all alone with all of her guilt. 

I’m just so sad at them for not giving us what we deserve. Why Stiles barely got any close friendship with girls, it would have been adorable if he and Kira had more moments of their friendship. Stiles deserved to have close friendships with Scott’s girlfriends, well he did f*ck Malia at some point… He got close… Way to close…  :/ 

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I don’t know how to explain that I have both moved on my from my ex but also haven’t.

Like I don’t want any potential future gfs (lol I know that’s not going to happen) to think that I’m still like in love with her or infatuated with her or you know wouldn’t love them because I’m still hung up on her or something.

Because that’s not really the case I don’t think. I think after all these years it’s not really HER that I’m clinging to.

I’ve had crushes since her. I’ve had people I’ve found attractive since her. I’ve had people I’ve wanted to date since her.

But I tend to still go back and think about what we had or “miss” her. But again I don’t think it’s her per se. I think it’s just I haven’t had what I had with her since. And it’s something I do desperately want. And since I’ve only ever gotten from her she’s kind of my only point of reference.

I’ve never had proper mutual attraction / feelings that weren’t unrequited with someone that wasn’t her. I’d met a woman I was comfortable with. I’d met a woman I could make out with and I felt warm around and wanted to build an adult relationship with. I felt seen by her. I felt like maybe I could be loved. I felt like we were similar enough in the ways I wanted and also different enough in the ways that helped. It just felt good.

I’m so obsessed with love and relationships. And I had it. For such a small snippet of time I had what it felt like I had been looking for so long. When I was 19. And now I’m 23 and haven’t had anything since.

But I want it again. I want those feelings of warmth. And connectedness and attraction. That desire to try hard for someone else. Of feeling like maybe I’m enough. Maybe someone likes me. Maybe someone I find attractive find me attractive too. The mutual growth of it all.

It’s hard not to cling on to her, or the memory of her when she’s the only one I have that represents it.

And it makes me scared. Was I only ever going to have this with her. Was I only ever going to have what I want most in the world for less then a month in my life and then never again. Will I never be able to find love again. Will I forever be alone, with the only thing to keep me warm the fading memory of puppy love from when I was 19? Even in my mid twenties? In my thirties? Is that all I’m going to get? Am I being selfish hoping for more. Hoping to find a more genuine and long lasting love this time.

Or I’m a truly cursed with loneliness. To just be so different and out of t her loop that I can’t find someone who likes me and who I like. Is that just too much to ask for. Am I the problem. Do I have too many standards. Am I too rigid. To superficial. Am I lonely because I’m a bad person.

I don’t know. I don’t the answer but I know it hurts. And I know I don’t want to be alone. I want to share a life with a woman. I want to help her when she’s sad , I want to be there when she’s happy, I want to buy her things and have someone to experience life with. I want to have someone to laugh with. To walk out late at night with - so we can come home where it’s warm together. Be tired together. Feel safe together. To make out with her. To have sex with her. To share my soul and help hold hers. To look at someone and feel so much love and attraction and peace and know that she’s looking at me the same way.

I want that. I want it more then anything. I just don’t think I’m built for it. Or I’m just not meant to have it. And that beaks my heart. To be on the outside all alone. To feel like I’ll never have the one thing I want. I don’t know how to cope with that.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I’ve noticed in the area of failed love it’s so easy for people to either blame themselves or blame other people.

Like I’m not good enough for love. Or I’m not beautiful enough. I’m too picky. I don’t deserve love. It’s my fault I’m single - which I think is something I do a lot and I know a lot of other people do too

Or blaming everyone else , like it’s their fault people don’t see what I have to offer, why can’t people just be attracted to me etc etc

But maybe there really isn’t ever anyone to blame.

I think love is both one of the simplest and most complex things we have. And sometimes people just don’t find someone. And maybe it isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s just how the cards come out.

But even I don’t want to fully admit that might be true. Because without anyone to blame there isn’t anything to fix , and if nothing can be fixed it won’t change. Blaming myself feels easier. If I’m too ugly or have a bad personality or I’m too boring , then maybe those are things I can fix. Maybe not easily , but it offers a feeling of some hope, even if it’s small.

But if it’s no ones fault then where is the hope for change. It’s so random and unpredictable then. And that’s scary. Knowing my loneliness is so out of touch from the tools at my disposal and that it’s maybe just something I’m not going to get.

That’s such a sad and scary and horrible thought. But maybe it’s a truth I need to learn how to accept.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I get scared to bring up lgbt discourse because it always leads to angry people messaging me. But like I can’t with this one. I feel like I have stay firm with it.

Lesbians are never attracted to males I’m sorry. Lol. Yes some lesbians have been with men for various reasons. Yes some lesbians get married to men and have babies and whatever else. We live in an homophobic society. Some women will have no choice because of safety. Some women will be unsure of their sexuality. Some women will do it in order to self harm or because they are in denial or because they are trying to convert themselves. I fully acknowledge that.

But no lesbian gay homosexual woman will ever fully happily be with a male. Ever. That’s just that. If you are genuinely in love with (romantically) your male partner, are sexually attracted to him or I don’t know constantly sleep with multiple men for sexual gratification and not as a form of self harm or abuse or conversation therapy or what have you , I’m sorry you aren’t a lesbian. Maybe you lean more towards women. Maybe you only want to settle down with a woman. Maybe you wish you could of have more experiences with women. Maybe you are still internally struggling with who you are. I don’t know. I’m sorry if you are , truly. But you are not a lesbian. You are not gay. You are not homosexual.

It’s okay to be bisexual. It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to have gone through dark patches of self doubt it hated. Thats not something that makes you bad person.

But implying lesbians can be happily with men just isn’t good for anyone. And this is the hill I’m going to die on. Because if you say “well everyone is different, some lesbians just like sleeping with men because they are board” it might seem harmless. And maybe it would be if very little people were saying it. But they aren’t this is like a mainstream belief now. And when you push thoughts like that you get lesbians who go “ but if this lesbian can do it. Why can’t I. Why can’t I be a good lesbian and like men. Why am I stuck like this. Maybe I just need to try hard. Maybe I just need to sleep with more men and it will click over”. And that’s not a healthy mindset to be putting into the world. It hurts everyone- yourself included.

And I’m sorry if this upsets you. But I can’t do it. I can’t sit there and listen to it. Especially not when I know seeing stuff like that flares my PTSD and OCD right up. I ask you to please me kind to me and not send me mean messages but I just morally feel like I can’t back down from this because it doesn’t feel right.