#tw self harm.

[askrobouteguilliman40k]

So... how is Victoria doing? I'm sure she must be going through a lot with the whole first Saint business. So I wanted to see if she was doing alright.

In her chaple, the sound of an electro flail scouring flesh can be heard along with the mix of a confession and pray for forgiveness echo's as Victoria does penatans for her perceived sins, blood dripping down her back onto the cobble stones she kneels upon as she lashes herself again and again.

[y1f4]

.

can someone slit my throat already, or just stab me more times than i can say?

or just give me a razor.

that’d be okay.

(BARS)

[pissmotif]

is it the constant jokes we’ve been making lately that have me itching for a relapse or is it just the time of year

[anothergeorgiapeach]

Please read tags before continuing.

Actually don’t continue. I’m just reflecting. It’s not worth the read.

I’m not looking for advice or sympathy.

I just wanted to put this out there. Be transparent. Explain why yesterday (1/23) was kind of important to me.

I’ve dealt with self-harm and the tendencies since I want to say ninth grade? So 2009.

Before then, in eighth grade, a friend of mine had shown me how to pick at your hand with a needle. It wasn’t painful and really only broke the top layer of skin, but no blood.

Anyway, ninth grade.

I don’t exactly remember what triggered this entire thing. I have a vague idea though. Maybe the first time was for attention. But it just spiraled from there. Idk. But my ninth grade boyfriend (who was a junior/in eleventh grade at the time) was the first to find out about this whole ordeal when he saw the scars on my arm. Even when I was wearing hoodies. From what I remember, he was supportive and actually helped me stop for a while (Two years actually. At least until he graduated)

Then came along my senior year. Something triggered it and it started all over again. But this time, I was hitting the thigh. Less obvious and it was normal for me to wear jeans all the time. But senior year boyfriend (also best friend throughout all of high school and also senior) found out too. He would draw butterflies over the scars and tell me that if I’d hurt myself, I’d be hurting the butterflies. This actually stopped me completely. He’d refresh the butterfly whenever I’d go to his place or I would whenever I felt close to relapsing. Idk but it just felt like it worked.

My best friend from college knew about all of this. We had met at orientation and just clicked. So for about a year, he was there to talk to and be open with. I still love him to death, even if we don’t talk as often as we used to.

Then tumblr boy/friend came along. I’m 80% sure he knew about all of this. We Skyped every day for six months and I even flew out to see him for a weekend. It was great. But again. Something triggered me and I relapsed in August of 2014.

Clean for five years, until December 23, 2019.

Trigger was bad enough to break those five years. I broke down and was at it for about a month (till January 23, 2020 actually) until I opened up to my work wife/current best friend. And she helped me cope. I will forever love her.

But she helped me realize that I did it because of things that were out of my control. Senior year boyfriend (after we had graduated) was already on other apps, claiming to be single.

Tumblr boy/friend slept with someone while on (DCI) tour and I didn’t find out until I was scrolling through tumblr one day.

And I bet you can guess there was a guy involved back in 2019 and why this all started back in ninth grade🙃

None of this helped my self-confidence. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t skinny or curvy enough. I wasn’t blonde enough (there seemed to have been a pattern there). I wasn’t worth their time. I wasn’t smart enough to catch the flags before. I wasn’t worth their energy. I wasn’t worth anything to them and maybe to no one at all.

But I have to remind myself often. It’s out of my control what other people choose or choose not to do. It is in my control though who should and who shouldn’t be in my life.

If you’ve read this, no you didn’t.

But I love you all the same 💖

None of it probably makes any sense and seems really stupid, but I just needed to put this somewhere. Gonna go bury this under things from the queue now and get ready for work. Happy Monday.

[terrytheboxwithlimbs]

Guess who’s going to urgent care?

This girl!

(I’m okay, I was in crisis, might get stitches and a psych stay. I will keep you all updated!)

[uproarforums-blog]

what about the little mix girls?

Two of them are pretty boring. But one of them seems to have developed a new habit, one that draws blood. 

[pashaar]

I wish I wasn't addicted I wish I could listen to all the words people are saying and I wish cutting in the shower wasn't so easy

[dan-howell-hiatus]

Sorry about this but I need to ask for advice :/ I feel like a terrible person but I feel like I treat the people around me like dirt. I try to obviously be as nice as I can but I keep feeling they deserve WAY better then me. I want to cry practically most of the time. I really want to rip my hair and I even have a habit of stabbing my hand with a pen lid. I can't really tell my friends because I don't want them to think I am attention seeking ;-: I feel like an awful human

hey im so sorry about how you’re feeling right now.. im so sorry but don’t think i have enough experience to answer this. i recommend maybe talking to a doctor or a guidance counselor?? i hate not being able to give you a good answer ah but if you ever need to just vent or something, just send me a message

sleepover saturday!!