steph @pashaar - Tumblr Blog

Dancing our sorrows away

I think the point is not to get over anything but to move through it as gently as possible, even if it feels impossible.

#p

Sobbed in a Meijer parking lot tonight listening to Jackson Browne and Prince because my mom was always dancing and I just cried and cried and cried, and the sorrow and grief and regret I feel is unbearable. In my dreams last night I was crying too, and saying how it’s unbearable. I can only hope you are at peace mother. I can only hope to live a life where you’re proud of me. She had a beautiful life, yes. She believed in me, always. She wouldn’t want me crying in an empty parking lot alone. Thinking about her life. Our life. We are all just walking each other home.

#p

Eating dinner at 5:21am mmm

The father of my child died and then my mom died 6 months later and honestly I’m surprised at how well I handle myself like wow how am I even still functioning and able to like, stand there horrified but also feeling what I need to feel. But I just am not equipped to handle anyone else’s shit rn. Like I am at capacity. I’m trying to find the love but it’s like self preservation at this point

#p

One of the most fucked up nights not in my life, but in a while

#my cortisol and adrenaline and ptsd are sooo bad rn lmao

So much I wish I could write here, maybe one day I’ll share.