#tw: doubt

[gh0stk1d]

And i know everyone's saying "no matter what happens I don't regret it" but?? I would? I truly, honestly would. I was so fucking invested in this, it was all I thought about and I'm not exaggerating when I say I wouldn't recover for a long time afterwards

[sortofanobsession]

In the absence of light (Umbrella Academy Season 2) Chapter 3

Author's Note: I was going to post this a bit earlier, but I just kept adding more to it. It's probably double the amount of internal turmoil for our lovingly misguided Diego than I originally wrote.

@crazycatmaddy

So as it goes, Y/N = your name. Y/N/N = your nickname. Reader pronouns She/Her.

Tag Requests are Open just message me.

Primary Pairing: Diego Hargreeves x Female!Reader

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Series/TUA Masterlist

Content warning: Canon typical drama, manipulation, sort of kidnapping, being on the run, doubt, fear, crime (because our boy Diego is back! And Lila is Lila)

Whiplash of a Reunion

She is in the process of running errands that Luther had told her needed to be done when the last thing she expected to happen happens. She had just dropped off a couple uniforms at the cleaners and stepped back onto the sidewalk when she heard her name called.

She knows that voice. It has her turning around so fast that Diego thinks she might get whiplash. And before his brain can even wrap itself around the fact he is seeing the person he loves most for the first time since she couldn’t even stand on her own two feet, he is nearly knocked to the ground in a hug.

Diego smiles to himself. "Missed you too, Luz."

"Hate to break up the lovey dovey reunion, but we have to go," Lila says.

He was confused by how fast the woman in his arms pulled away from him. He just wants to hold her again because the last time he saw her, she was covered in her own blood. He had held her as tight as he possibly could without breaking Five's circle. Then, thanks to his smallest brother, he was dropped in that stupid alley without her. It had been jarring to have her tucked into his side one second and without her the next.

"Just give me a minute, Lila," he insists, trying not to let the desperation he was feeling at the moment show. He had fought so hard to get to her he couldn't let it end so quick.

"We don't have time for this," Lila counters, her impatience unmistakable.

"Then we make time!" Diego glares at his fellow asylum escapee before turning back to the light of his life. "Luz, are you okay? I saw your article. No one would tell me if you were okay. Five barely told me anything."

“Five?” the confused woman asks. “He didn’t-“ She shakes her head. "He's almost as bad as Lu-"

"Diego," Lila cuts her off.

The female Hargreeves tenses and puts more distance between them. "I'm fine, Diego. Your friend said you need to go. So, you should go."

Diego cannot believe what he is hearing. She didn't expect him to just walk away. Not after everything they went through. "Not without you, not again." He refuses, because of course he does. She's the light of his life.

"For the love of-" Lila grabs her by the wrist and drags her with them towards a car. Diego looks at his Luz as Lila forcibly leads her. Was she in heels? Did his sister ever wear heels before? He had to admit that the 60s looked good on her. A fitted blouse hinted at her figure, which she had often kept concealed in their modern time with jackets and sweaters. But the highlight of the outfit for the man didn't stop there. He should remember to compliment her skirt. Or her in general. He'd missed out on doing that a lot in his life. Her pleated skirt fell just below her knee, and sheer tights hugged the line of her calves and disappeared into the pointed pumps. He was shocked she didn't stumble in as Lila pulled her along. He almost couldn't believe it was her. Nylons and heels, she'd never been much of a fan of when they were younger. She always said the dolled-up look that Allison enjoyed and Grace never failed to achieve was just too exhausting and not worth it. She had clearly changed her mind.

The now powerless Hargreeves doesn’t argue as she gets in the car. She goes without a fight for Diego's sake despite not knowing how she feels about this new person pushing her around. She really didn’t like the way she and Diego were acting. Diego hadn't said anything since his friend had taken charge and it bothered her. He never liked working with anyone. Her, Luther, Klaus, it had always been with begrudging acceptance that he let them tag along. He wasn't even attempting to call the shots now. That was unlike the Number Two she always knew. She didn't like it. She missed HER Number Two. Her other siblings would probably tease her and call her jealous, but honestly, she’s just insecure all around. But what could she do about it? Nothing. Everything was painfully different now. So, she focuses on the one feeling that she can handle. Annoyance. Annoyance at the fact that she can see the pity in their eyes. The pity and uselessness are infuriating, but she has one advantage over her old self. Her siblings don’t know how to read her anymore. The Wisp used to broadcast her emotions. Now, she can mask them like everyone else. She does just that. She slaps on the same smile she uses when waiting tables.

“This is unnecessary,” she says as she straightens out the wrinkles in her skirt as best she can. Diego takes a good look at her, and as much as he likes the outfit, he does not like what he sees. She looks like she is aiming at unbothered, maybe slightly amused, for the most part, but her eyes don't match the expression. Before he can ask her the many questions he has, she stops him.

 “I’m fine, Diego,” she repeats. And again, he doesn't know if he believes her, but her eyes look...less in a way he can't actually pinpoint, and it bothers him. Her words are only somewhat reassuring as she continues. “I am as healed as I will probably ever be. I have a job. A place to say. And I’m not the one clearly on the run.” What does that even mean? She'll often be as practiced as he is with her words, and those seemed very specific.

Lila rolls her eyes. She didn’t even know the woman, and she could tell that it was a lie based on her nervous energy and tone.

The female Hargreeves ignores her. They don’t need to know it eats her alive at night. That she is terrified of the dark and the cold. But what can they do about it? Nothing. So, she tells herself that what they don’t know can’t hurt them. Is that hypocritical? Yes. Is it a coping mechanism? Probably. But it is all she has, and good luck to anyone who tries to take that from her. The more she thinks about it, the more the entire situation, the more it threatens to swallow her whole. It was a darkness she had been fighting since she came to in that awful alleyway.

"Luz," Diego calls, but she doesn't hear him. "Luz, look at me." He hates how she flinches when he touches her, but she focuses on him. The novelty of the fashion is gone. He realizes how little of the woman he recognizes. Sure, her features are all still there. The same ears, nose, brows, and lips. He'd studied them enough when she wasn't looking to know it was very much her. Who was he kidding? Dreamed about them, too, but it was unnerving how different she looked. It makes his chest feel tight, and something twists in his gut. It was something he was failing to put a name to, but he pushed that aside to process later.

"Talk to me, Luz," Diego says. “I’ve got you.”  

She bites back the knee-jerk reaction to correct him. To tell him she isn’t anyone’s light anymore. “I’m fine, Diego. We have more important things to focus on.” She insists, but he's not having it.

"You are important,” he shakes his head. “Especially to me."

"I get that, but I need to do something real quick." She takes a small, wrapped package out of her handbag. Diego eyes it skeptically. He watches her as she leaves them in the car and enters a restaurant. Luther had given strict instructions on what to do.

“So that’s her,” Lila grins at him. “That’s the light of your life. You didn’t tell me she was-”

“Don’t start, Lila,” Diego glares at her as he watches the building they are parked across the street from. “She’s been through shit you couldn’t even imagine.”

Lila has to stop Diego from going after Y/N when Five appears and catches him up on what he is willing to share since he has visited his no longer institutionalized brother. Five couldn’t believe Diego could be so unobservant that he hadn’t realized she no longer had not just the Wisp but her full power set. She was powerless and relied almost completely on Luther to keep her safe.

“I know your skull is a bit thick at times, but I expected you to at least notice the glow was gone. No Wisp and no glow. Not even that subtle hint in her irises. Not even a flicker.”

“YOU TOLD ME SHE WAS FINE!” Diego snaps. His instincts had been practically screaming at him that she was missing something. He just hadn't expected it to be so painfully obvious. It hurt knowing her calm exterior was mostly a façade. That she was keeping something from him. He thought they were past that. Then again, that must be what she meant by she was as healed as she would be. He should have seen it sooner.

“What was I supposed to say? Oh hey, Diego, new hair cut? You remember how you would literally kill to keep Y/N/N safe? Well, she’s got brain damage and has no one but our brute ape of a brother looking after her?”

“Yes!” Diego glares at him. He wondered how she was still on her feet, let alone navigating Dallas, alone, in fucking heels. He could kill Luther for sending her out to run errands ALONE in this time and place. Lila had found the arguing siblings somewhat amusing.

“You were hard enough to keep there when everyone thought you were crazy, trying to save the president. If I told you she was struggling in the slightest, let alone Wisp-less, not even Klaus there with her, and worried about you? You’d have done something even dumber than what you are doing now.”

“He has a point,” Lila says. “You fought a guard because they wouldn’t let you keep the article about her.”

“See, even she gets it,” Five points out. Diego quits arguing and glares at the door of the restaurant the light of his life has disappeared through.

"See? She's fine," Lila said when Y/N walked out of the door. The former private detective studies her every move as she carefully checks the road, waits for a clearing, and makes her way back to the car. He couldn't believe he had missed how painfully different she looked without her glow. He couldn't imagine how that would feel. He doesn't have too much time to dwell on it as she opens the rear door.

“Oh, Five,” Y/N was surprised to find Five in the backseat beside her. “You’re here? That’s great.” Five gives Diego the most unamused look possible as if to ask if Diego really hadn’t noticed how much she had changed. Diego hated how right Five was. It was almost as annoying as knowing Luther had been the one looking after her. Especially after what had happened with the bunker. He hated it. He hated he hadn’t been there to do it himself.

[sortofanobsession]

Intrusive Thoughts and Gambling (911 "Mixed Feelings" Episode Coda Buddie focused) Spoilers!

Author's Note: Intrusive thoughts are usually mental health related. And Eddie is a PTSD mess. I can't recall if they explicitly say it in the show, but he is. And Intrusive thoughts are a PTSD (and OCD) symptom. So if you guys get them, you are not alone. Please note I do not have PTSD or OCD. I have ADHD, anxiety, depression, and aphantasia. So I have a lot of self-doubt and some intrusive thoughts, but not the same way someone like Eddie might. So this is me basically guessing for the sake of storytelling. But hopefully, it is enjoyable. Unbeta'd.

Edit: Eddie's intrusive thoughts in this are more anxiety and in the moment based than actual PTSD thoughts. The PTSD mention is him trying to explain away what is happening, even if it isn't accurate. Just stubborn Eddie being stubborn.

Content warning: Intrusive thoughts (I mean, it's in the title), PTSD, anxiety, doubt, self-esteem issues, gambling, relationship uncertainty, swearing, pining, gay thoughts (not a bad thing but could still be triggering so I'm tagging it)

Buddie centric events from 6x13 "Mixed Feelings"

Eddie's intrusive thoughts are in quoted italics.

“You brought this on yourself, Eddie.” Eddie’s brain tells him. “Buck looks fucking fantastic in that outfit, and that’s because you told him to dress nice. And Buck understood the assignment this time.  A+. Gold Star. Job well done by him. That button-down that looks stupid good on him.” And Buck just had to pick a jacket Eddie just wanted to touch. His fingers itched to just reach out and run down Buck’s arm, or side, or anywhere. “Yeah, that would go over like a lead balloon.” Eddie knows it. He needs to get a grip on himself. His brain betrays him and really leans into that idea and the idea of it not just being him to grip his… “Nope, stupid brain, not like that. Focus. This is supposed to be about utilizing Buck’s newfound trauma-gifted math prowess.“

He gets why Buck is uneasy about all this. But why did Eddie feel so nervous? Why had he taken so damn long to actually pick a suit? He thinks about the last time he had so much trouble picking out a suit with Ana, and that had landed him in the ER with a panic attack. But this…this was different. His heart was pounding for a very different reason. Excitement. This was him and Buck doing something sketchy. And it feels right. Like that little adrenaline rush, he gets when they work on a dangerous call. But more not really. That’s not exactly what he feels. He feels…yeah, okay. He feels like he’s going on a first date. He thinks about his own first dates. Then he thinks about what he knows about Buck’s first dates. He thinks about what Carla and Bobby, hell even Buck, have told him about the disastrous first date he had with Abby. He literally choked. Buck nearly died. But this isn’t- No, this is him and Buck. They’re best friends, and they hang out all the time. With and without Christopher. Then why does this feel so different? Is it because he wishes it was a first date? Eddie has to quit thinking about that. Buck is talking to him. He has to focus. Buck needs to relax. And for Buck to relax, Eddie needs to help him. “Oh, I know what would make him relax. Oh, so many ideas. No, brain…no. Don’t even. The suit stays clean. So keep it clean, brain. Focus.”  

Eddie won't lie. He loves knowing things that Buck doesn’t, but mostly he likes how happy surprises, the good kind, make his best friend. Sure, Buck might have had his doubts about where Eddie was taking him, but he didn’t resist. He trusts Eddie as Eddie trusts him. 

Eddie looks at the people around them. They know these people, at least a number of them. Yeah, this is a date night situation. And by the knowing looks he getting from a few of them, they see what Eddie wishes was true. But Eddie is selfish. He wants Buck. The whole lightning strike had made that very clear. It had been like his heart was ripped out of his chest when Buck was in the coma. He also doesn’t want to lose what they have. He doesn’t want to put himself on the line and risk losing Buck. He just got him back. 

At the table, when Buck looks at him, somewhat unsure, Eddie knows what to do. Encouraging him. “Buck thrives on assurance and praise.” Eddie always has a hard time nailing down how he feels when Buck looks at him like that. Part of him is overjoyed that Buck looks at him for assurance. That Eddie’s praise is something that Buck looks for. Or, more important, right now, he trusts Eddie to know what to do. He knows Eddie isn’t going to intentionally steer him wrong more often than not. But part of it tugs at Eddie’s heart differently. He knows Buck isn’t always the most confident man he sometimes presents. He knows that Buck has self-esteem issues. Buck so often doubts himself and his decisions. “He deserves better, and you have to make sure he gets it. With or without you.” Yeah, Buck needed that. Buck doesn’t think Buck deserves good things or to be happy. He’s gotten better about it. The coma, oddly enough, had helped a bit with that. But the way he is looking to Eddie now, this is more of Buck being unsure about what Eddie has gotten them into. Eddie doesn’t have those doubts. He knows Buck can do this. The easiest way to assure his partner is a smile and nod. And it seemed to work because Buck becomes more of his usual self as the night goes on. Probably aided by the fact they do know the people around them. So Eddie lets himself enjoy the evening. The drinks and nonchalance were more than just a cover for doing something potentially sketchy with people who are technically their superior. He was content, happy. Buck was there, seemingly having a good time, embracing this new aspect of his life. They were socializing outside their tight-knit team, as people tell them they often should. These are still people they trust. They literally trust these people with their lives, especially Chief Williams and Captain Mehta. Buck trusted them. Eddie did, without a doubt. Mehta had kept them both alive when Eddie was shot. “He did what you couldn’t.” He had kept Buck from getting shot. And that meant more to Eddie than anyone could possibly know. Buck’s survival was increasingly essential for Eddie’s sanity. “Proved that during the lawsuit. Just ask Frank.” Eddie shakes himself. “Shut up, stupid thoughts. Frank says you’re just PTSD. ” Yeah, PTSD. He was working on that. Getting out and doing something safe, something grown-up with people he trusts. He was doing that. Frank would say that was a good thing, right? Maybe not the manipulating the game part, but it wasn’t illegal. So that’s better than his previous choices. “Focus.”   

But then Buck is smiling and looking over at Eddie as the chief asks him how he wants his winnings. And Eddie’s pretty sure his heart melts. Those stupid blue eyes shine with excitement and always has that warm feeling spreading in Eddie’s chest. Eddie smiles back without thinking because that’s just how he is around Buck. He genuinely doesn’t care how Buck answers the question. Eddie is just beyond happy at how well Buck had done. How well Buck handled the entire situation. And how happy Buck seemed to be. That smile on Buck’s face made Eddie’s heart soar every damn time. 

“I guess you were right, Eddie,” Buck grins. “Low steaks.”

“His humor was unaffected by the lightning,” Eddie says. Internally his brain adds, “You want to smile. You want to laugh. And you know it. You love his dumb humor.” How such a ridiculous man could have a stranglehold on Eddie’s heart is something he will never fully understand. Buck could be so frustrating and so ridiculous, but damn it, he adored him. Buck could be almost insufferable at times. Almost. Eddie would gladly suffer for Buck’s attention. Buck’s dumb puns, tangental rants on the most random topics, and an inability to know when he should probably shut that beautiful mouth of his were just part of what made Buck…Buck. And Eddie loved every second of it. If that meant Eddie had to be on his toes to wrangle Buck in every now and again, both on and off duty, Eddie would do it in a heartbeat as long as Christopher was taken care of. And Eddie didn’t have to worry about Christopher when Buck was around. He was always Buck’s number-one priority. And that, that had been what had started Eddie down this path. Buck and Christopher. The only people Eddie truly needed in his life. He loved his family and his team, but at the end of the day, nothing and no one mattered as much to him as those two. His job was near the top of his priorities. If only because keeping his job meant he had everything he needed for Christopher, but also that he could keep Buck safe. Keep him alive. He’d almost lost him too many times to risk not being there now. “And now we’re back to not wanting to jeopardize how things are. It always comes back to that.” He knew he loved his best friend. “But do the others know? You have never been subtle when it comes to him.” He’s pretty sure even Chief Williams and Captain Mehta know now. If they don’t, they probably have their suspicions. 

“Do you think she knows?” Buck asks him. And Eddie doesn’t know how to answer that because his mind had asked the same question, and it took him a minute to realize that Buck was asking about the card games. She might not know, but this would not be something they make a regular thing. The cards with the chief, that is. Eddie would love to take Buck out for another night like this. One where they could just have fun, win a few games, and just be the two of them, surrounded by strangers that Eddie didn’t care about. That would be amazing. More like an actual date than…there his brain goes again. “A date.” This wasn’t actually a date. It may have felt like the perfect opportunity, but it still wasn’t one. It was just another opportunity for Eddie to show off how amazing a guy Buck is. To show off how proud he is of his best friend. To bask in how lucky he is that Buck is in his life. That he is his best friend. Does he wish he was more than just his best friend? Of course. Was he willing to risk their friendship by asking for more? Hell no. Not yet. He just got Buck back. This…this was enough. Just bumping shoulders with him as they leave the building was more than enough. For now.   

[blaaaaackbeak]

incoming vent

so the other day i got an anon claiming how i was brave for ignoring poe’s sexuality. i have tried to ignore it but it’s just in the back of my mind.

last night i started looking at my writing and today i felt discouraged. like my writing doesn’t hold a flame to others. i shouldn’t compare and i know that but there i was doing it.

now here i am starting that second chapter for my series wanting to just stop. i know i seem proud and talk nonstop but sometimes i feel that it’s nothing.