I'm trying hard to make peace with my decision to do what's best for myself
Yesterday I had to finally take the right steps to get someone else the help & care they need that I am not able to provide for them
I feel safe now, even though what I had to do was extremely difficult. I couldn't ignore the red flags anymore. I needed to trust myself again to do the right thing.
I'm staying with my family right now & I feel better being here with them. There are still so many things to be worked out with everything, & I hope my loved one's family keeps me updated about what's going on with his care.
In the back of my mind, I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a potential life I had hope for being possible with him. I'm scared for him & sad. I just want him to get better & for a doctor or team to help him in a safe & understanding environment.
I haven't slept or eaten really in a while, only very little now that I'm with my family. I'm trying to be strong. I have to trust that I did the right thing.
I don't want anyone to think I'm cold or unfeeling or that I don't have compassion for others. But at the same time, I can't ignore my own safety & well being anymore either.
Thank you tumblr people for listening & to the friends I've made here who have been so incredibly supportive & kind.
In regards to her parents-- Grace and Looker--, Serena has long come to terms with the fact that they, most likely, do not love one another any more. They have been divorced since she was around eight-- a process that was started by Grace a few days after finding out about the incident that resulted in his amnesia-- and judging by their lack of contact with one another, she pieced together that there is simply no relationship between the two any more. Even if Serena, herself, was still receiving gifts, letters and calls from her father, and knew that he still loved her, that did not extend out to Grace and understandably so. At first, it was a painful idea to come to terms with, and was something she discussed with Tilleul a few times, simply to wrap her head around it when her mother would refuse to even touch on the subject, but eventually, it became just another fact of life.
So, if either of her parents were to move on and find another partner, Serena would be absolutely fine with it, provided that said partner treats her well. There is a lot she would put up with from them for the sake of making Grace or Looker happy, because that is all she cares about at the end of the day, but they also have to recognise that she is part of of the package. She is, and will always be, her mother and father’s daughter. They do not need to step up and fill some kind of parental role, they just need to be kind and understanding of her situation.
So guys ... my mom just left my dad and by extension, me and my siblings. She walked out quietly and only left letters for everyone and didn’t say a word. No one saw it coming. My dad is taking it super hard and has been sobbing all day, my whole family was so close...
I will be in a weird place for a while. I may regress more to try and cope, or I may regress even less because I’m not in the mood to.
I don’t necessarily need encouraging words or anything, I just like journaling on here...
{ ooc. Please note: for Robins/Morgans/Validars/etc., I can change it if that’s what you prefer, but by default, this is her canon. Also, this doesn’t change any interactions-- this is something Aversa never finds out, unless it’s plotted in a thread for her to.
This is a long hc by the way, so a dot-point version of it is included at the very end. Just find ‘TLDR’ and read on from there }
Born eight years before Robin, Nathifa Sekhmet Velthomer-Forneus-- who would later only be known as ‘Aversa’-- was born, being the first child of the Grimleal leader, Validar, and his wife Naeva. Despite their hopes, the girl was not born with any signs of being a viable vessel for the fell dragon, having inherited her mother’s major Fjalar blood in lieu of both of her parents’ minor fell, albeit no brand to indicate that surfaced initially. Distraught, and unable to accept the truth, Nathifa was kept alive and still trained the way in which the vessel would have in an attempt to see if she had any potential and if her lack of viability was simply because it was destined to surface later in life. Despite this, she was loved at least by her mother, who also had the utmost faith in her daughter’s potential. The child of the kingdom’s most talented sorcerer and a powerful sage, both with the fell dragon’s blood-- how could she not merely be a late blooming vessel?
Unfortunately, six years passed, and nothing changed.
Though her skill in dark magic had grown tremendously, no sign of her viability surfaced. Validar’s patience had worn out, believing that it would be better to kill the girl off and sire another child with his wife to take the place that she could not fill. This, of course, upset Naeva greatly, and after days on end of pleading, the first signs of a brand began to appear on Nathifa’s skin, but they did not belong to the one they had hoped for. On the back of her neck, they were fragments of the same markings that stained the sage’s own skin-- the brand of Fjalar-- and, using this, Naeva was able to convince her husband not to kill their daughter. She was still of use, and perhaps could be left alive solely as a back-up plan, much like Validar had been. So, in lieu of being killed, Nathifa was given to a couple-- two Grimleal whose families had faithfully served Validar’s line for generations-- and sent into exile, never to find out about her lineage or be reminded of it. Nathifa was to forget who she was.
Her life, from then on, was normal. No longer known as the Grimleal’s heir, Nathifa grew up in remote village and continued to have her skill in dark magic refined. Validar and Naeva, on the other hand, conceived another child two years later-- a viable vessel who would be called Robin. For a while, it was peaceful, until year after Robin’s birth, when Validar happened upon her village accidentally. Having realised she resided there, and remembering the ‘plan’ he and his wife had agreed on, Validar approached the girl’s adoptive parents, demanding that she be handed back over to him. The couple, of course, had grown attached to the girl, truly thinking of her as being their daughter, and refused, claiming that they would much rather she stay with them at least until Nathifa was of age. Enraged at what he perceived by their betrayal, Validar personally wiped out the village, leaving no survivors, and kidnapped his own daughter. Without the patience to deal with what would come from his actions, he then wiped the the girl’s memories, and replaced them with fabricated ones, so that she might not remember all that has transpired.
And, to seal the curse, she was given a new name-- Aversa.
Various rituals were conducted, with each being marked by a new tattoo upon the girl’s skin, continuing for years on end-- up until Validar encountered Robin in Ylisstol. After that, all attempts regarding Aversa were ceased-- the dark flier was left to stand in the shadow of a sibling she never even knew. Over the events of awakening, she would grow bitter, though the girl did not know she was Validar’s daughter, let alone Robin’s sister-- it was the sudden starvation of attention that triggered the development of those emotions.
Even though she would barely escape the battle at the Dragon’s Table, the fates were not done with Aversa just yet. Upon visiting the Wellspring of Truth, the dark flier learnt only the truth that remained in the memories prior to them being wiped-- of her being raised in a village by her ‘parents’, whom she did not remember as being adoptive ones, and Validar ruthlessly wiping out the inhabitants there so that he could take her away.
She would never learn that she was the biological daughter of Validar and Naeva, nor that she is Robin’s older sister-- not even when it feels wrong to not call the sorcerer her father, or when referring to Robin as her sibling, even jokingly, comes so naturally. She only believes herself to be his adopted daughter, and therefore Robin’s adopted sister.
TLDR:
Aversa is Robin’s full-blooded sister, but not a viable vessel.
Unable to accept that she wasn’t a viable vessel, Validar and Naeva waited for six years to see if any signs would surface. Robin would be born two years later.
When nothing changed, Validar initially wanted Aversa to be killed off, much like failed vessels in the past. After pleading from Naeva, however, this was changed-- instead, she was to be exiled and kept as a back-up plan for Grima’s revival.
Aversa was given to a Grimleal couple-- who long served Validar’s line-- and instructed to raise her in a remote village, much to Naeva’s unvoiced distress. As per his orders, she wasn’t to find out her lineage, and they were to become her parents.
When Naeva ran away with Robin, Validar sought out the village Aversa had been taken to, demanding that she be handed back over.
Aversa’s adoptive parents protested, having grown attached to her. Not taking well to this, Validar had the entire village burned down, wiped Aversa’s memories, and gave her the name ‘Aversa’ so that the curse might not be broken easily.
The tattoos on Aversa’s bodies are from the countless rituals she underwent to try and see if there was any potential for her to become the vessel in Robin’s place.
Aversa doesn’t find this out in the wellspring of truth. It only shows the things regards Validar wiping out her village, and the only parents she remembers, as he memories of Naeva and Validar being her parents weren’t erased-- they were forgotten before that, and so, were lost.
The door closed behind Annie as she entered the house. Edgar was in the kitchen, washing the stains of bright yellow frosting off of his plate and watching it bleed sun-colored water down the drain. Kira had finally fallen asleep, and was curled in her crib in the other room where he could keep an ear on her. He turned when he heard Annie come in, and his smile was one that was somewhat strained as she returned it. She didn’t come over to him, but hung her coat on the back of one of the chairs and swept past him to make tea.
“How was your day?” he asked when the silence between them persisted.
Day was fine. How was yours?
“Fine, fine.” He nodded towards the table. “There’s still some cake left if you want it, I saved you a slice.” He put down his plate in the sink and wiped his hands on the towel hanging next to it before he turned to face her. She was looking down at the birthday cake, and Edgar thought he saw her brush a few tears away before she looked at him.
Ed, I think we have to--
“I know.” Edgar put his hand out to her, and Annie looked at his hand as he nodded towards the table. “We should talk.”
ten minutes after.
They were still holding hands with each other. It felt foreign now, it didn’t feel real. Edgar couldn’t figure out how they’d made it here, how they’d gotten to this point. How the beautiful dream he’d held close to his chest since he was a child, since he’d figured out what love was, had come down to this, to the two of them. Part of a whole now two separate pieces.
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say, what else to do. How to make this better. It was the right choice, but he could feel himself getting ready to weep, feel the tears stinging at his eyes. Annie’s hand reached up, and she wiped the tears from his cheek.
I’m sorry too.
He met her gaze and nodded. “I love you. That doesn’t stop now. That doesn’t change.” His words made his breath shudder, and he and Annie tried to drop their gazes from each other’s. Unable to do so, they looked back again.
Make sure Kira knows that I love her, okay?
“I’ll tell her every day.” He squeezed her hands more tightly. “All that I ever wanted was to give you the life that you deserve, the life that you wanted.” He dropped his gaze; his lip trembled, and he shook his head. “I’m sorry I couldn’t, I’m--”
It’s not your fault. Edgar...
Edgar shook his head again. “It’s not yours either.” He met her gaze; his hands held onto hers too tightly. That was his problem, that was his fault, that he held onto her too tightly. That he couldn’t let go, even when it was staring him in the face that he had to. That he had suggested that Annie do what she wanted to with her life, that she not let him or Kira or anyone hold her back from what she wanted. From what she’d always told him and herself that she would do. He would never hold her back. He would never hold any of them back again, he could be better. His fights with Amelia had shown him that, his distance with Annie had confirmed it, and Kira had given him a chance to do better. To be better.
For once again, he was not enough.
Annie kissed him, and they remained there for a moment. It was the first kiss between them that had felt truly right since Kira had been born. They were on the same page. They were in sync with each other, on the same page in time to close the book.
one hundred and twenty seven minutes after.
“I think that’s the last of it.” Edgar closed the lid on Annie’s suitcase and zipped it up before he turned to look at her. They’d managed to put most of Annie’s things in her suitcases, and the offending bags sat on their bed. He let his hand drop from the zipper. His gaze dropped again. “Do you know where you’re gonna’ go?”
Annie nodded.
I’ve had a job offer. They need a curse breaker. It’ll take me to South America for four months, maybe more. I’m not sure yet, I hadn’t said I was going to take it.
Edgar nodded. “You’ll write, yeah? Let me know where you are, that you’re safe...”
Of course I will.
He stepped forward and hugged Annie, and she held onto him so tightly, he thought she might break something. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and he could feel her shoulders tremble. He let the tears fall, and after a moment of silence, he shook his head.
“T-There’s just one thing I need you to do before you go.”
Anything.
Edgar laughed shakily. “Can you change Kira’s diaper?”
two hundred and twelve minutes after.
The door closed behind Annie with a bruising finality. It had been amicable, really, there had been no shouting. There had been no arguing, no insults thrown, no words spoken that he wished he could take back. They had not fallen apart, they hadn’t torn each other, they hadn’t broken. It was a clean break. She’d taken her ring, taken her things, kissed Kira and Edgar goodbye, and with a deep breath, Annie Bones had stepped back and away. Edgar Bones had bowed out.
The door closed, and it was over.
Edgar sat down on the floor and stayed there, not moving, barely breathing. The tears would come, he knew, they would fall and he would fall with them, crumble here on the floor into something that matched the fragility that consumed him.
But right now, his daughter was crying, breaking the silence of the house with her little wails. Edgar rubbed his hand over his face and he let out a slow breath before he pushed himself up to his feet.
“Just keep walking,” he murmured to himself as he walked over to her crib. “Hey, kiddo, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here...”
alot has happened in the last few months since having to separate from my boyfriend back in april.
he and I remain in contact & still love & care about each other.
It has been a long & difficult time for us & our families. I have seen every side to him in times of chaos & distress. I also know his true heart & soul & know that deep down inside he is a good person.
for a very long time, he has struggled with alcohol addiction, which in the last few years had taken a turn for the worse. this led to us having to separate from one another due to safety & medical concerns. I could no longer take care of him at home by myself & I expressed this to his mother that he needed to receive proper care soon.
he's been through a number of hospitalizations, traumatic injuries, & scary experiences. I have gone through all of those times with him firsthand & all of it has affected us both.
finally, his mom intervened during the past few days. "B" hit rock bottom, burned bridges with friends & the people he knew from the neighborhood. I won't give details, but for about a month, he didn't have a roof over his head. he was completely lost to the point where myself, my family, & close friends didn't know what else to do for him. at the time, he wasn't ready to accept help from us & wasn't listening to anyone.
in the last few days, something miraculously changed. something or someone got through to him. maybe all of my prayers were finally heard & answered. he reached out to me to tell me that his mom made arrangements for him to go to detox & rehab. that he was tired of living like this & didn't understand how things got so out of control. he apologized to me for everything he's said & done. that he was sorry he failed me & that I didn't deserve the way I was being treated. I have been one of the only people in his life to stay by his side despite every unhinged event involving his behavior. a few trusted friends of ours were genuinely happy to hear that he was getting help & told him they were in his corner.
the whole process of everything started today. however, there was a set back, which, as I write this at almost 2 am here, I sit up worrying about & hoping that he is ok.
his first step was to go to a detox clinic for a sobriety check before heading to the rehab facility. while he was in the waiting room texting me with updates, he suffered another seizure from withdrawal symptoms. He's had atleast 3 or more in the past few years - 2 of them, while I was with him.
right now, he is in the hospital being treated. his mom will be back in the morning to be with him. I am so scared for him & worry every time he doesn't answer his phone that something god forbid might be wrong. I keep praying for him to be well & to be safe & protected.
as his mom told me, I pray for there to be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel with all of this. I've personally been navigating my own struggles with trying to heal from this heartbreak, as well as my dad having some major health concerns at the moment himself.
writing all of this down somewhere is my way of releasing the past, & letting out my feelings. releasing scary memories or the trauma that I've faced along the way. acknowledging that im only human & it's totally ok to grieve, to feel scared, uncertain, to miss someone & to still love them even when it's hard & probably best to let go.
I just can't give up on him. I can't be cold hearted towards someone who is in desperate need of love & compassion & support.
I keep looking at old posts about us from when we first fell in love & photos of us from times when we were so happy together & enjoying life. those moments are probably always going to be with me forever. If I can focus on the good, & be grateful each day, then anything is possible.
I want him to be safe & well. & more than anything I want to heal my own heart so that I can find my way back to myself again.
I told him he would find his way & that he would be the cycle breaker. that this fresh start would be his best chance at changing his life for the better. I pray for better days ahead & know that God & lost loved ones are watching over.
Usually it’s anything by The Neighbourhood, or Daughter, or my “Breathe” playlist. (Which I’ll add under the cut at the end of this post!)
As of late, though, I’ve been listening to The 1975 a lot more.
terrors // if you feel comfortable speaking about it, what was the worst nightmare you’ve ever had? (please remember to tag any necessary triggers when answering this, everyone!)
In my worst (and most recurring) nightmare, I watched everyone I loved leave me in various ways that I imagine you can visualize in some form- but the hardest to handle was watching the ones I loved actually leave me behind, move on and break off all ties to me.
Story of My Life by One Direction
Counting Stars by One Republic
Brother by Matt Corby
High Hopes by Kodaline
Dark Parts by Perfume Genius
Losing It by NeverShoutNever
The Beautiful Ones by The Battle Of Land and Sea
Yayo by Lana Del Rey (The original version, not the Paradise album version)
