The last few days have not been good days at all. I really need to find a job or something to occupy me because I know that being at home all the time is not working for me really well.
After the fiasco with my grandparents and their spread sheets, I've been feeling extra down. I'm feeling more useless than ever because I don't have a job and I don't have money and I'm just not doing anything. I've been trying to find a good hobby. I make candles. My original plan was to sell candles, but I don't have anyone to get the word out. That's the bad part about not really having friends, especially when none of them are in your area. I can't knit or crochet. I'm not good at art. I have nothing to occupy my time. I wanted to do a major clean out of the house. Josh and I did one once before, maybe a year ago, but we still have plenty of things we can get rid of. But I get anxious and I have a hard time just focusing on one project at a time. I also wanted to paint some rooms in the house, but that takes money and I don't have that.
I also need to apply for financial aid to go to school, but I need Josh's W2 and his hasn't come in yet so I can't really enter in correct information until that happens. I'm hoping it comes soon, because being back in school would at least give me some sense of purpose.
It's just had right now. I'm feeling manic. Josh has told me that before I get back in school I need to see a therapist, which I probably should. I know that my insurance will cover some of it, but I don't know how much will be left over. Even with Josh's new job, we still aren't doing the best financially.
Everything just feels wrong and off to me. I feel like I'm glued to the floor where I am.
Josh has been talking about wanting to move again. Which is great, it's what we both want. But I almost wish that we didn't talk about it. It's hard for me to not want it right fucking now and get depressed about the amount of time it takes to even be a real possibility and so I stay bummed and can't stop thinking about how I wish it were happening now and why can't we just go and do it? Then there's the fact that it hasn't worked out yet. We've discussed moving several times, applied for jobs, and go nowhere. I know that Josh won't go anywhere without a job lined up. Then I have concerns about not ever feeling like anywhere is home. I've never been able to see the house we live in now as a home, it's just a place where we live. Even the house that I grew up in doesn't feel like home anymore.
And my god, I'm lonely. I feel like it's all me. And that's not to say that Josh and I don't have a good relationship or anything, because it's great and he's great. But I am constantly in my own head arguing and fighting with myself.
It feels stupid. I feel stupid. And pathetic. I don't know how to be optimistic about anything. Josh says "In about two years we can really think about moving. I'll have some experience and we won't be stuck here." All I can think about is "Well, maybe, but there's no promise. We can't just go and rent something, we'd have to buy, and that's expensive and who knows if we could get approved for anything and why are we even talking about this now? It's not like it's going to happen anytime soon. I don't want my hopes up at all about this, oh well, too late for that. You know that you're a loser by the way right? You're an adult who can't stop acting like a child. You can't even find a job where you live now. What makes you think you'd find one there? Then it would be your fault if things didn't work out."
You could tell me I've won a million dollars and I'd want to know what the catch was.
So yes, I do need to go to therapy, but I can't stop worrying about money. I have none of it. Josh doesn't have much of it. It's a lot easier to just give up on things. I know Josh is tired of the uphill battle of working for nothing and never catching a break.
I'm tired of existing like a sack of shit. Useless and stupid.
