So I'v been absent from tumblr for a while now, mostly because I've been too busy with work, university and being a DM, but there is something else. A point came where I couldn't be much time in front of the computer, because I felt like life was slipping away, heck I still feel like that, but the reason for that is because I feel stuck. Prisoner in my own country, my homeland, my craddle, the place where I was born, raised, educated, loved and learned to love, fell in love, got engaged, lost my virginity *cough* among others. The fact is, I've been falling into depression while watching my country fall apart, be drained away by some corrupt pseudo-socialists motherfuckers who have destroyed everything.
So while I was confined to my own house as people fought with the national guard, protesting against insecurity and well everything else, I just couldn't help but cry, feel useless as the country I love burnt. My own mind is telling me to get the fuck out of here, to go and get a job or study somewhere else so I have a chance to live, to be independant, to get my own house/apartment, a car, travel, LIVE. But at the same time, my heart asks, screams, cries for me to stay, to fight for what's mine... I know that is something impossible, but I just can't help but wonder...
Now the other part is I can't get out of here, I feel small, powerless. Leaving to go to Canada and live with my fianceé seems every bit more impossible by the day, I can't even get into a community college, her family doesn't even want to make a phone call to help me get a job and move. I feel stuck, my soul screams in agony, in a void where no one can hear it, my heart bleeds in despair where only my loved one can help me patch it up. But it isn't enough, not even the poems I write, the music that flows through my hands can ease my mind or my soul.
There has come a point where I have to do something I didn't want to do because I know there are people who need it more than I do and I am a person who likes and has learned to do things by myself. I have to ask for help.
Help, please... I can't do this by myself no matter how hard I try, I can't. I feel broken as if fighting against a brick wall with my fists. I just can't... So please, help...